New

It's been a while. It's been a good month. I am grateful for that. I sent my good friend an email today and thought I would throw it on here as well.

For the last few months I have been feeling like it is time for a change and possibly a move. I have never felt the need for this before. This weekend just solidified my decision. Circle of Excellence is June 3-6 and in May I am going to start applying for jobs outside of Utah. I don't have a set place but Texas, Washington, DC, New York, TN and some other places are going to be in there. This weekend was the part that really confirmed those thoughts I have been having. I already talked with my main Director about it. She said she already knew it was time for a change for me and she could see it and she already had paperwork of how to advance me to a Director and what training goes into that. So at the start of the year, that is the road I will be working towards. But now that I feel both of these, I am going to start working towards them and you know how I am with a goal. Crazy, huh? I have never wanted to leave until now.

Next, yesterday I went to the mid-singles ward and have never felt that my dating future was so bleak. But in that same feeling, I kept feeling that my part is impossible but somehow I know Heavenly Father can make it happen. But I don't want to throw myself at any available Mormon guy. That is what so many girls do in that ward. They will walk up to a guy while a different girl is talking to him and will ask him out?! Julia also had some guys come over on Saturday night and with the night before so fresh in my mind, I was EXTREMELY frustrated and prayed hard that night. A lot of Utah Mormon guys SUCK. They think they are God's gift to women and we let them think that. Most Utah Mormon men can't even come close to handling all of me. I didn't realize how much I dumb myself down on dates until I didn't on Friday. It is ridiculous and I don't want to do that anymore. I hate feeling like I have to hide great qualities I have. It's not fair. I really just want to be with someone who LOVES me for the independent woman I am. I wish I wasn't so independent but I am and it is how Heavenly Father made me through the experiences I have had. I need a husband but I am not needy. I want someone who doesn't want to be bossed around and someone who doesn't feel inferior to me. That feels so impossible. But really, I do believe Heavenly Father can do this. The thought I had is that either I will have to convert a guy which I have never ever wanted to do until this weekend, or I will have to just keep finding happiness in being alone. I pray so hard that I won't let myself walk away from Heavenly Father and that He will always come first. I know that is where the most happiness lies. And I know that if I get married anywhere but in the Temple it will feel like I have settled. Every time I am in a sealing I am reminded that a sealing for time and all eternity is the only thing I want. But sitting here it feels so hard because most Mormon guys and I don't mesh and in fact, I have yet to meet one that I really do work with. I don't want to try and make someone change for me with a risk of them only doing it for me. I need someone who wants the Gospel for himself and just as much as I choose God first, I need him to. Why am I so attracted to non-members and why do they think I am truly amazing and Mormon guys don't. These are the most honest feelings.

My date.. He has a degree in Aerospace Engineering from Penn State and Nuclear Engineering from Thomas Edison and he is an officer in Naval Aviation. He is going to be a pilot and one day his goal is to be an astronaut. He literally is reaching for the stars. He is 6'4 hallelujah. I met him while they all had their rehearsal dinner at my hotel. We chatted for a bit. He had no clue I am LDS. That was funny. He told the bride good job on setting him up with such a stunning woman. I didn't know it until the next night but he was up until 2am that night changing his flight to Saturday. He was supposed to leave Friday at 7:30pm, so cutting the dinner short. There are red flags so of course I am not writing our story to marriage at this point. He just got out of a 3 year relationship in February. He told me some of the story and the one thing that if what he was saying is true is that he is like me. He gives it his all. But still a red flag. He gave me a lot of sweet compliments ranging from how beautiful I am to how impressed he is with how I live my life and keep the commandments. I am not used to someone complimenting me and it makes me worry they are fake. But he knew he wasn't getting laid. :) Another red flag-ish is that he is in a relationship with a girl in Corpus Christi. He was telling me that there are no women there. The girl has some serious issues and he tried to break it off with her and she tried to commit suicide. Her dad beats her and he said that she has been doing better since she has been with him but by no means does he want to be with her or marry her. This is one side of the story. I of course gave my 2 cents on the matter because that isn't healthy at all and he will get trapped. I told him that he is enabling her and that her happiness depends solely on him. And I was honest on how I knew some of it. We talked a ton about deep stuff and it was good. The problem about a blind date with someone you know nothing about and my trust issues makes me wonder what is real and what isn't. While we were with his buddies, I learned that a lot was real. And I have to say, I laughed SO HARD that night. Another funny part was that he wanted to dance. I guess they do that a lot in Corpus. He taught me how to 2-step. And I threw out my hip. I didn't tell him until the next day. But we accidentally were dancing when all of the married couples were dancing and EVERYONE there knew we were on a blind date and thought it was hilarious. Then when he caught the garter, I went up for the bouquet toss. I stood at the very back and didn't even raise my arms. The girl in front of me should have reached up to grab it...she didn't. My hands stayed down at my hips and it literally fell into them. I can't not catch something. People were dying! Then as they told me he had to then put the garter on me, I made sure and got that on film. So we laughed and then we went out with his friends after to a bar. He had a drink and he told me how he believes in God and why. He said he hasn't been drunk in years because that would jeopardize his career. Then he and his roommate went back to the Hilton and I left. He thought I was going to stay at the Hilton(not in his room) that night. I told him no. But after texting for a bit, I came back in the morning to have breakfast with him. We chatted more there and then I drove him to the airport. He gave me a really long hug.... I had to break away. He was being funny and cheesy. He said to keep in touch and I said I would.

I want to be able to be that much of myself with anyone. I have never felt like I want to convert someone until this weekend. His best friends(2) are both Mormon so I guess the reason is that somehow it is possible. But even if he did get baptized, I don't know if he is best for me. And he lives there and I live here and he is in a relationship which he said he was ending, but who knows. I will send him a thank you text for this weekend probably today sometime but unless it is in Heavenly Father's will, it isn't going to happen, even with all of the hilarious signs. People were walking around that night telling us we were for sure getting married. We just laughed and played along. I feel a little bummed today because I got to feel those feelings which I haven't felt in so long and now they have to be gone.

Yep Again

Every few months I get to a point where everything seems to give out and I just cry and feel very discouraged about my single status. It is on days like this that it feels like they will never end and hope feels lost, even though I know that there is no such thing as lost hope with the Savior. There are a lot of days where I am good and I am very grateful for those. Last night and this morning have been rough. I asked Mike to my event tomorrow on Wednesday and it was light and easy breezy. He wrote me back last night right before I went into the Temple and said that he just started dating someone and her family was going to be in town. Earlier in the day I saw that Jared is going out and doing a ton with all of my friends in the ward and I believe he is dating snake girl. I have taken a step back because I don't want to hurt if I see him. He still hasn't done anything since our talk. I cried through most of the Temple session. Not because I was distraught about Mike dating someone or Jared, it was that my timing always seems to be off and that unhealthy feeling in the case of Jared that I am never the girl the guy chooses. Why am I not the girl the guy chooses? Thankfully for counseling and Heavenly Father's unending help, I feel like I am worth it and that they should and I don't understand why they wouldn't. It doesn't matter that I don't think Jared is my ideal and I am basically done with him, it's that again, I am here facing tomorrow with nothing on the horizon to make me feel like I am a step closer to getting married. And getting married is all I want. It is the gateway to so much that I can't do on my own. I can't control any part of this and that is hard. I can't just make it happen with hard work or looking beautiful. It is all in the Lord's timing and His way and His choice for a man for me(even though I will also have to choose that man). The nice thing is that I have grown and with the Mike thing, it wasn't that I felt that he didn't like me or it was me or anything like that, it was that timing is wrong, again. I prayed really hard through the Temple that I would feel that Heavenly Father's will was better than mine and that I would love it so much more. I prayed over and over for this and that I would be grateful for His timing and that there will come a time where I will be so grateful it didn't work out with anyone else because it was supposed to work with the right man. I prayed A LOT for timing and the love of the Lord's timing and not my own. Last night in the shower I couldn't stop from crying and feeling like if it is His will that I be single through mortality, than why do I have this desire that is stronger than any other desire in me besides following Heavenly Father, to get married. Really, besides choosing the Lord, there is nothing at all that is more important to me or a desire that I want more. Why would I have this desire if it is not going to work out? I don't understand. I want to understand His will. I want to feel that it is perfect because I know it is with my head. I wasn't mad at Heavenly Father, I was just distraught and disappointed. I loved what I felt with Mike. Those feelings were exactly how I want to feel when I am with the right person. Those were clear as day last week. But for right now, it isn't Mike. And the more time that passes and things I see or read and feel, Jared is not a great fit for me. My pride wants him to want me and my unhealthy ways, but when I feel peace, I am almost certain that he is a no or at least, that is what I feel I am being led to. I want my heart to feel lifted and to feel like I want to go out and have fun and not worry about feeling sad when I see Jared. I want to feel like there is hope and there is a man who is right for me even though there isn't anything at all on the horizon.

Blessings from last night: I knew others at the Temple. I somehow choked on my spit and couldn't stop coughing and crying(a truly beautiful sight, let me tell you)and the sweet girl next to me gave me a hard candy. Then I proceeded to open it and it fell, all the way up to the row in front of me. :) The girl grabbed it for me and I popped it in. It stopped the coughing. Also, there was a girl who hadn't been often and needed help and I was able to help her. I loved being able to help. Serving when things are hard is so good. I had some clothing issues in the Celestial Room and finally just put my head down and cried(yes, again) and kept pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father. Sweet Erin came and brought me a tissue(it was gross, I for sure needed it) and then gave me a hug. I didn't want to talk about what was wrong because there was no easy way to describe it and sharing so deep things from my heart are reserved for those closest to me because they are the ones I trust and I have learned that I can trust them. When I was leaving the Temple, Craig had waited for me. I smiled and past him and kept going to my car. He sent me a text asking how I was and if there was anything he could do. I told him a vague answer, not because I don't trust him, just because I was exhausted and didn't want to explain it all. He was sweet and sent me another nice one. I had messages from 2 of my close friends when I got out of the Temple who I knew I had asked Mike and that he had said no. My roommate sent me a text and asked how I was. It was nice to feel like I was cared about and I know that came from the Lord. I still don't feel great, but I am trying. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life.

How long?

It is Friday after our Sunday talk and I have heard nothing from Jared at all. That is annoying and weighs heavy on my heart. But there are a few things that I think about it. One, with every other man, I think that he is not interested in me and it is done. I don't necessarily believe that is the case with Jared. I can completely see him still being interested in dating me. Yet, I do believe that you make an effort for someone you want to be with and he isn't currently doing that. Two, Jared's ways are not my ways. They are foreign to me. So I guess that raises the question, how long will I keep my heart in this before letting it go? Three, why would I just end things because it isn't going at the pace I want it to? Time is going to pass anyway and I am not yet dating anyone else so why would I just cut it off because it isn't my timing and way? I am continuing to move forward. It's been hard this week with him again not asking me out for the 3rd week in a row. I wish it didn't hurt my heart but it does. I felt that Sunday's talk was genuine and he was sincere with his comments. But I do remember a time when I knew Ian cared and I thought something would happen between us and then it fully fell apart after that. It has been done before, but I went to a running thing he put on and even Paige said she could see how much he cared that day. He did. I don't doubt that. But I thought after that something good was still coming for us and it never did. It actually got about a billion times worse. Even though the talk on Sunday was good and he said he still interested in continuing to get to know me more, it may not happen. It may happen, I believe that too. But what I know is that I don't know the future. I don't know Jared's heart. What I do know is that I would like to be able to keep moving onward and upward. It's okay if nothing happens. I just want to have peace with it. I have this expectation inside of me that needs a man to know how lucky he is to have me. Jared doesn't have any clue right now or he would do more. I just want peace.

I did find some peace last night and maybe some answers too. I went to institute like always and Mike was there. I love talking to him. The whole time I have known him, it has been so easy to say anything to him at all and be completely myself 100% from flirting to sassing to being caring about his work situation to laughing with him. I know from his actions that he is a good man and when I talk to him, I can see it. He is always at Stake Temple night, Saturday night Stake Conference, pop-up special meetings with 70s, Stake FHE and he is kind to everyone I see him with. Last night while I was talking with him about his work situation, I was caring and supportive and there was this great peace. I didn't feel awkward at all saying anything I did to him. It was like I was talking to someone I loved and cared for and had known a long time. I wish I could explain my feelings better. What I realized is that I would much rather be going out with Mike than Jared. Mike hasn't pursued me yet and because of that I hold myself back. I feel like there may be something there for him for me. But what I realized is that I love who I am when I am with Mike and I am the best version of me, the version that I am around those that are closest to me. I know that it takes time to get there with some people but it was instant with him. He came over and sat by me during the class. I am still planning on asking him to my event next weekend. I hope he says yes. If nothing else, I will get to have a great time with him. And if nothing happens between us, I get to know how I want to be with someone I am in a relationship with. That was helpful.

Onward and upward. I hope my heart will take a break and let go of any hurt. Everything is okay and will be exactly how it should be. Time will be the healer and teller of all. Let me hurry up and wait for it. :)

The Talk

Last week on Thursday night I sent Jared an email telling him that I don't kiss guys for fun. That it means something to me. I like to kiss guys when I am in an exclusive relationship. I told him that I understood that didn't happen with us and that was okay. I told him it hurt me that he hadn't made any effort to contact me since. The email continued on. It was a good email and it was filled with patience, kindness and understanding. When I sent it on Thursday night, I was pretty peeved at him but I had felt amazing about exactly what I wrote the day before and felt that I should send it as it was. He replied within the hour and said he agreed with everything I said and had been meaning to talk with me and had a crazy weekend so worse case we would talk Sunday. It was Friday morning. Let me just tell you that would not have even been close to possible before. I sent him that I had lunch open on Friday because to me, it sounded like he was done and giving me the thanks but no thanks. It doesn't help that my mind also goes there first. And it is so hard having that kind of conversation looming in the future. Horrible. After talking with a couple of friends I let go and let it be and just tried to focus on my weekend and doing what I wanted and trying not to stress about it. While I wasn't perfect at it, I did well at times. I was most definitely prayed for and I could feel those prayers.

Come Sunday, it was fast Sunday and I decided to include this in the fast. I fasted that both I would know what was best and Jared would know what was best and that Heavenly Father's will would happen among some other things. But overall, it was most important to me that Heavenly Father's will would happen. But I was struggling with that because it seems that for me, in each romantic relationship, it ends and that ends up being His will. I see clear reasons for all of them ending now but I didn't at the time and it always hurt. This is the area that is the most difficult for me to give my will to the Lord. But logically I wanted to do it, I was just trying to get my heart and emotions on board as well. It came down to trusting that he wanted a happy life for me and whatever happened, good or bad, would make that happen. So hard for me. I wanted to bear my testimony in sacrament before anything happened about the will of God so that I was doing all I could to put His will first.

Jared called me after church and asked if we could talk when he got back from dinner with his old roommate and family around 8. He came over and it actually started far better than I was expecting and it wasn't awkward at all. We ended up starting the conversation laughing and joking about things. He ended up asking me my age and I told him. He didn't freak. He seemed fine. We joked about that and how being this old and not married was funny and interesting. I told him how my mission president had reminded me the last time I saw him that some blessings come after the veil to which I told him that was not helpful at all. We laughed about that and a lot of other stories from both of us. I apologized for not really being able to open up and be me. I told him how my ex had ended up cheating on me and that I had some abandonment issues and certain things can trigger those emotions and that is why I keep myself protected. I told him that I really wanted to be able to open up and just be me and that I had felt that a few weeks before. He said I had no reason to apologize. It was good. It wasn't a heavy, here are my problems to weigh you down. It was more just a logical thing that happened. It was good. Then the conversation moved into what he had come to talk to me about. Honestly, I was still expecting the thanks but no thanks before he walked in and I prayed for peace whatever came to know that it was best. And wow, did I pray hard for that all day, all weekend, and in fact, I am still praying for that. I asked him what was in his head and heart. He said that he agreed with everything I had put in my email. He said he doesn't just kiss girls for fun and likes to wait also until he is in a relationship because it isn't fair to anyone. He went on to say that he is interested in continuing to get to know me. He then said that he is dating others too and he feels the same way about them. He also said(can't remember before or after the previous statement)that he is dating to find out what he wants. He said he knows the top things of what he is looking for but he is still trying to figure out the rest. I told him that makes perfect sense. I would be doing the same, especially with his age. I also told him that I was also dating others. I also had made a comment that I knew he was dating others because I hear about it when they go over to his house at 10pm at night. He was stunned and didn't think anyone knew who else he was dating and he didn't know what I was talking about. I told him I wasn't going to talk about it(joking, fun way). We continued to just chat. I said that I was grateful that he came and talked with me and he said that it is better than not doing anything which is something he has done before. The night we made out, I made it clear that my last relationship didn't work because of the lack of communication. So I think that is also a reason he did talk with me. I also told him that I try not to be feisty because it doesn't seem to get you anywhere. I ended up telling him what it said in my blessing about "when in the selection of a mate remember the principles of patience, kindness and understanding..." and I explained that in all of my relationships I try to always to that because that is what I feel like I should do. It wasn't weird. It was good. At one point in our talk too I mentioned that he doesn't seem to text in between at all. I told him how if that was how he was, than maybe we could call it quits because I have learned about what is important to me in the past. He ended up making a comment how he just doesn't text really and in his family he usually just picks up the phone and calls. I told him I enjoyed when he called. We were on the subject of Ian because he mentioned how he couldn't talk to me with my Utah shirt on and I explained a little bit about it. (I was more of an open book but not giving away the farm)and joked with me that literally Ian clearly had a red flag. I told him yes, but he also was a pharmacist with his MBA and that shut him up, then I brought him into it and said that ambition and drive is something that is very attractive to me and that was one of the reasons I was attracted to Ian and also to Jared because he was also very driven. Throughout the night I also gave him a couple other compliments about how confident he held himself and how the white boy could dance. He was confident and said thank you and appreciative. I don't remember all that was said but it felt good. It felt fun. It felt way more open. As he was leaving I couldn't help myself and I asked him why it was awkward when I saw him at church...I guess I said it more of, it's really warm here right now and is when it is just us but it is awkward at church. He said he had no idea and I said sorry but I wanted to be open and honest. It was fine. It didn't seem bad. We hugged and he left. I sent him a text after that said, "thank you for coming over and talking with me. Sleep well.(he was exhausted from the weekend)" He wrote back and said, "hey you too. I'm glad we talked."

I felt peace about it. I still feel peace about it. But I am writing this because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to analyze it. I don't want to think about the other girls he is dating and if he will choose them or if he is going to ask me out this weekend or not. I plainly and simply don't want to even think about it. Julia gave some great advice on Sunday night and said in a text, "focus on everything else but him...be present, live in the moment and everything will work out how it is supposed to." That is exactly what I want to do and have been trying to do. I have been praying that my thoughts will NOT be filled with Jared. I want to find other guys to go out with. I think I am going to ask yummy Mike to an event I have next weekend.

I saw Paige last night and after telling her about it, she said it was good and even though I subconsciously keep trying to find an out, that the conversation alone warranted me giving it more time instead of cutting it off. It was a mature conversation and I loved being able to have it with him. I agree with her. A good conversation always makes me like them more, especially when it is overcoming something hard and getting through it. That could make me weird, but I like to think it is just one of the things that makes me unique. I feel like I am worth it. I feel like I am beautiful. I am grateful for those feelings. They leave me at times but one of the greatest blessings is remembering those people closest to me that not only have been there through all of the hard times, they came back when it was ugly and never left me, not even for a moment. That is one of the hardest things for me is feeling that men never come back for me. Well, 2 have. They see me and love me for me. But what got me through this weekend was remembering those few who have never left even after I have given them many reasons to. They love me for me. They know my really bad and love my really good and they don't leave because they see my worth. My worth is great. I have to say that over and over. But it is true. I guess we'll know who the right man is because he will come back for me, not to just be my friend, but to be with me for always. I still need prayers because this is still hard and very new territory. But I am going to do my best.

Peace

The one thing I have wanted more than anything in this whole Jared thing is peace. Peace to stay, peace to leave, peace to let go, peace to be his friend no matter what happens, peace to be patient, peace for my soul. I found some last night that I didn't expect but makes sense.

Last night Julia made a comment about finding a new guy because he isn't treating me right. It was almost as if a weight was taken off my shoulders and it was okay that I felt like he isn't currently treating me the way I want, need and definitely deserve to be treated. There was peace that I could be done because there is a viable reason. It was like because someone else said it was okay to do what was best and not play the game anymore. I still don't necessarily want it all to be done for previous reasons stated, but it is okay if it is. I know if it does end, it will still hurt my heart when I see him. But I haven't gotten this far in my healing process to settle for less than I want and deserve. I don't think Jared is a bad guy, I just think timing and some of his own stuff is getting in the way. I want it all. I want someone who knows what they have by having me and cherishes me for exactly who I am. I want to feel safe. I want to feel more loved than I ever have in my life. I hope that these things happen for me more than just about anything else in my life. This is exactly where faith and trust come in with Heavenly Father. I am choosing that. Faith and trust and His timing and peace. I don't know what that means right now but I feel better today because of it.

Nothing still

You know, I have had a lot of emotions go through me about this whole Jared thing. Right now, I just really want to not feel that sadness in my heart from the lack of anything from him and just have a good, lighthearted day. I was telling Matt last night that dating sucks because we have to feel these feelings. There are good, but there are also bad. I am also trying to do so much in this whole thing to learn and grow and become healthier. It is really an ideal situation but one that sure sucks for me.

I have a habit of thinking the worst and expecting it to be done right away and that is something that can happen because I am thinking that way. So bad. And you would be surprised how fast it creeps up inside of me. Right after Jared and I made out, I was already thinking it was done even when there weren't any bad signs at that point. There are now. But the one thing with this is that I try to remind myself that I need to let go instead of trying to send a text or do something so I know one way or the other whether it is done or not. I go at relationships like a goal because that is how I know how to succeed in life. You can't do that with a relationship. It is the opposite, you have to let go and just let happen what will. It doesn't mean that you do nothing, it means that you let go of the control and expectation and writing what could happen, which in my case is usually me trying to prepare for the worst. Not healthy. Living in the moment is so key to this and finding the good in each moment of your day. But let me tell you, that has been really hard to do the last week. I do like Jared. I don't know the end on this one at all because I don't know if he is what I need still. What I know and have known I have felt is that I feel like it is too soon to pull the plug because a lot of what I know about him, I really like and I know there is so much more I don't know about him. One thing that will ultimately end it would be communication and the lack thereof. If this is normal for him, I can't do this. I know that. I saw Ian once a week and we did text every single day. Texting helped me get to know him better and open up and trust him. Even with all of that, I realized that I needed more from someone. I want to be able to see someone(not immediately but eventually) every day. It doesn't mean I spend every waking minute with them, it means that some days I may only have time for a kiss and then we go do our separate things. So hearing from someone at this point is very important to me. And when I don't hear from someone, I think they are done and don't care at all. Which honestly isn't always the case. It is sometimes but not always.

Oh my goodness, my brain is so black and white...especially in situations like this and I preach until the sun goes down about how you have to be gray to others! Even when I am giving him until Sunday or later before I send an email, I keep trying to decide what I will do now for then. I just need my brain to shut off and let it go. When my brain thinks about it, it wants a solution so that my heart will stop hurting and feeling abandoned again(whether or not that is the case). I just want to be happy today in today for the things that are happening today. So that is what I have tried to do all morning. I went to my pinterest page of "LOVE!" and laughed at what was on there. Then all of the nice things I have been thinking about saying to people or doing, I do when I think of them. I am a total Facebook whore today. But I feel good. I went to FHE last night because we were serving and even though I was apprehensive about seeing Jared(who wasn't there) I went because I needed to serve. So that is how I am trying to deal with this part.

I loved seeing my sister last night and being able to serve her. It helped my heart. Her text this morning was exactly what I needed to remind me that I am loved, regardless of what does or does not happen with any man. I loved talking with Matty last night. I love that I feel so comfortable around him and safe with him. I am so grateful for his perspective that finally helped calm me down yesterday. I love knowing that he genuinely cares about me and likes me for me, exactly the way I am. I love feeling that from men. I feel that same thing with Craig. I am so grateful to these 2 men for this. I don't want to marry either one of them but I really love them. They have helped me grow more than I could have imagined.

What I really want is to be able to be Jared's friend no matter what happens. Right now I don't let my guard down because in some ways I am playing the game because it seems that you have to play it. I want to just let down my guard and have fun and be me and not worry. Craig and Matt like me because I am me and I don't have those walls. That is what I felt strongly about last week was trusting Jared and letting him in. It takes time. But whatever happens between us, I just want to be able to be his friend after in a healthy way.

This is a hard lesson to learn. The reason I stick around longer than I believe most would is because there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that says, "when in the selection of a mate I bless you to remember the blessings of patience, kindness and understanding..." I am learning all of those in this situation. It doesn't mean he is the one, it just means like everyone before, I am learning these things with him. It's hard.

I hope to keep feeling good today. I have a new scripture that I am memorizing to help every time the negative thoughts come into my mind. It is Isaiah 42:16 "And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." I hope this all helps. I'm grateful I am learning but it is sucky. :)

Uhh...

I really have no idea what to title this because it will probably be all over the place. I wouldn't call it a rant, just a vent.

My heart hurts a little bit. Jared hasn't made the effort in contacting me in over a week since our make out. Seriously? I do not make out with just anyone. It means something to me. I have been here before where the guy has freaked out and then just dropped off the face of the planet. Well, it doesn't work so well when they are in your ward. I saw him yesterday and he seemed nervous a little but not the awkward I don't want to know you nervous which usually accompanies this, it was the almost cute nervous he was when he came to my event. I keep feeling like there is more about him that I need to know before I walk but the more time that passes without anything, I am feeling closer to walking from this. I will give this to the end of the week and then I will probably send him an email being honest with him about all of it. I will be nice and I will be tactful but I will also let him know that it isn't okay. I was so hoping that when I saw him yesterday I wouldn't have that attachment emotion to him but I did. He wore his green sweater and he always looks good in that. I looked beautiful too so hopefully he was eating his heart out.

This is a part of the gray that I haven't done nor mastered. It's really hard. I have to let him do what he is going to do and not be able to be cut and dry. Then on the other hand too if it does come to a close, I have to figure out how to be his friend and not put of the famous sign on my head. I wanted so much to open up and trust him how I have trusted Craig but right now, Jared is not a safe place. I don't think he has my feelings in mind. I felt like I needed to open up and give him a chance and I just feel like I haven't had that opportunity. I feel like he could be but he isn't right now. When I am with him, I feel completely safe and good, when I am not, I don't, especially when he isn't talking to me. Even last Thursday I felt like it wasn't over even if we didn't go out last weekend. I am trying to be open to anything and maybe this time I will be pleasantly surprised and he will come and get me like I always want a man to do. Or it may turn out how the rest of them have. Whichever it is, I just need it to be the way the Lord wants it and I really just want peace to accompany it. The peace is more valuable than anything and will get me through anything. I just want to feel it is best. I don't feel like it is the right timing yet to bail. I want to believe in Jared and that there is still good that can come from this. I hate it when my heart hurts. But such is life. Let the Lord's will happen.

He is my father, my friend and the person I want to tell all to

One of the biggest blessings of my year has been the improvement of my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I feel like He is there and cares about what I am saying when I pray to Him. I never feel judged for what I am feeling or what I am doing because I feel that He knows my heart and sees me for exactly who I am. It has been such a blessing to be able to tell Him how I am and how I am feeling about hard situations and just about what is happening day to day. I made out with Jared last night and I have been freaking out about it since for a few reasons, but I feel so much peace just knowing that He knows what I am feeling and that it is okay. I am very grateful for this.

too much vs. too little

Day 4 and I haven't heard anything from Jared. I found out on Tuesday night when I went to flag football that he is in Idaho until Sunday. Last night I kept going back and forth as to whether I should send over a fun text just to basically check-in. I went through a lot of emotions and in the end decided against it. I felt that if I would have sent it, it would have been out of desperation instead of a light easy text to say hello. I thought about snake girl and how they may be texting and he could forget about me and I had to stay in his mind. So I felt that desperation of doing too little and worrying that I would lose the opportunity to see where he and I could go because he would end up interested more in snake girl. But then on the flip side, I felt so strongly that I want a man that knows he wants me. I want a man who will come and get me. Jared has done this for the most part so far. I wanted to let another night go by. I think I will send him my original text today, not because I feel desperate, but because I do want to keep it going and I feel like I want to do something. Where is that line though of doing too much vs. doing too little? I honestly don't know. But what I feel in my gut is that yesterday wasn't the day to send something, today can be if I still feel good about it.

Yesterday also had its joys. I sent Brad a package of Dunford donuts for his birthday...and the cookies that were saved for Jared(I don't feel bad at all about this because he was with snake girl all Sunday night). :) He didn't get them on Tuesday because he had patients all day and couldn't get back to his apartment complex before they closed to pick it up. But he sent me a text and then called yesterday. He said that my gift made his day and that I hit a grand slam with it. :) That was so nice to hear and I tried to focus on that yesterday. I can't help but think that Brad is a great fit for me. Matt and I were talking on Monday and he was talking about a good fit vs. a great fit and how I wanted a great fit. Brad popped in my mind when he said that. But the timing is never on and we have never been in the same place and honestly, he may not even be interested in me, but there is still that question mark in my brain that remains regarding him. I am currently still more interested in Jared but I think it is more proximity for the time being. I can see nothing ever happening with Brad and us being friends and that will be just fine. The way he makes me feel is something that I want to feel with whoever I marry. I feel like I can truly do anything that I want to or need to without feeling worried about my spouse feeling like I am crushing them at the same time. I feel like he would support me and still feel like a man even if I became President. I don't want to be President, but you get what I mean. The other thing is that he and I are very much on the same page of having friends of the opposite sex after your married. He also will give his whole heart and soul to the Lord and to his marriage. These things make me feel safe and feel like I can always be true to me and who the Lord will need me to be and be able to 100% be able to trust my spouse. I am so grateful for knowing there is a man out there with those qualities.

Today is institute and that means Mike. He is still delish and at least he is fun for the night. There is a guy off of Tinder that I met who just moved into my ward and he said he may come tonight too. Either way, I am focusing on living in today. It's not easy but there is far more peace when I am able to do it. Live in the moment.

Not Allowed to be Feisty

If there is one word that I would think of that describes me when I am really unhappy about something, it would be feisty. And anyone who knows me well knows that it a very true statement. Well, last night I was most definitely feisty...and really, I am a little bit today too. I'm working on it.

Let's start at a happy place and then we'll end with the feisty and try and close with something at least a little uplifting.

Friday night. Jared was adorable and sweet and I had a great time. He was warm. He walked in and gave me a good, longer hug and told me how good I looked and I just melted(darn it!). Then we went mini golfing which for the record, I am not the best at and I really enjoy being good at things. But it was really fun. While there he talked about our next date being us getting green bikes downtown and going to these food places we were talking about. That is such a good idea and cute. Then he was sitting on the bench waiting for Ju and Josh to golf, he invited me to sit down and he put his arm around me. That was lovely. After we ended up getting ice cream and when they dropped us off, the hug was wonderful and again, warm. I sent him the after date text and I thought all was really going well. Ju said she thought he was interested because he put his arm around me and he was so attentive.

Saturday. Well he was at the church cleaning with us. He hasn't done that before. And he was back to Ward Jared instead of the guy I had gone out with the night before. It was fine but I didn't realize he was there and I was talking to Josh and James about the party that night we were having. I hadn't invited him for 2 reasons: one is that he still needs to be chasing me and two, he was going to the game. So later that day I decided to send him a text with a super casual invite. He wrote me back around 11 that night and said that he just noticed his earlier text didn't get sent to me. Then he asked about the party. I told him we were watching the Prestige and he commented that he loved that movie so naturally I invited him, nothing needy, to it. He declined but said, "Raincheck on a scary movie?" I said yes and that ended the night.

Sunday. It wasn't as awkward as a few weeks ago. We talked but I was feeling off. My fears of men leaving me were setting in and I noticed him talking with Brittany(snake on top of her head in her profile pic girl...seriously??!) too. But I keep reminding myself that I am also talking with guys. I put my stuff down on a bench and then headed over to talk to my roommate who was playing the organ. Jared and his roommates sat down on the same row as my stuff and I didn't feel weird about sitting there because I was there first so really, suck it if you have an issue. (I am charming today. :))After church we had a mingle and I was still feeling off while we were talking with him and his roommates. I did my best to be as fun as possible. I think I did okay, not horrible. But then this is when it gets...well, it makes me angry. Snake girl comes to a party that I was at for my good friend's birthday. Because I am who I am, I had my friend see who snake girl was texting because her phone was out and flying all over the place. She was texting Jared. I want to insert here that I know we are not dating exclusively and he gets to do whatever he wants to. But I'm sorry, when there is interest, it is still frustrating to have to actually SEE that. Then after I left my roommate told me she overheard snake girl telling a friend of ours that she was heading over to Jared's house...Trevor's home teaching companion. That is how we knew it was the right Jared. It was 10pm at night on a Sunday...SERIOUSLY?! Yes, I know we are not exclusive but hearing that is not good. Because what else do you do at 10 freaking pm on a Sunday night besides make out or cuddle?!???!?!? The healthy thing to insert here is that I have no idea what happen and I am jumping to conclusions(I feel like they could be pretty accurate) but really, I have no idea. And beyond that, it isn't my business or my call to make. I can't control it. I don't want to control it either. I want to be with someone who chooses to be with me for me. I will get this one day. I just hope that day is coming sooner.

I am not going to FHE tonight because I don't think I am capable today of not putting up the "F off" sign to him and her. But it can't be up. I have to act like I have no idea. I have to be me without the reservations inside my heart knowing he may have just made out with her. Let me just tell you, this is hard for me because of how real I am in all aspects. I can't be fake because it isn't in me. But tomorrow is a new day and we will see what happens.

On a brighter note, I decided to do a guesstimate of how many people I have served over the time I have gone basically every week. I figured out yesterday that I have served roughly about 1801 people. That is amazing and I am grateful for that.

Good Night!

A lot of the time I write on here it is when I am trying to unload something or trying to get through a hard moment. Today is just about how awesome last night turned out!

As Paige perfectly said it, we are throwing the rule book out on Jared because he doesn't seem to follow one when it comes to dating. He called me last night and asked me out for this weekend...!!! I had just had two fillings taken care of at the dentist and sounded ridiculous when I tried to speak but we laughed about it. We talked for 20 minutes and I laughed a lot and had a lot of fun. I found out that he did text me back on Tuesday and until I sent him that email on Wednesday morning he just thought I was in the Temple a long time. But he did text me back. :-) That would have been a great thing to write me back in the email on Wednesday but hey, he asked me out so I am good. But then I was excited again. :-)

Then last night was institute and Mike runs it. He is just delish. :) We flirted...like some good flirting and then I left with him wanting more(or I assume by his reaction). He has women always commenting on his stuff on Facebook and women around him and that makes me a little nervous but I really feel like there is interest there on his side and hopefully, eventually he will ask me out. He is definitely kiss worthy. :)

It was a good night and I wasn't expecting such a great night. I am very grateful for it.

Blessing

I remember getting a priesthood blessing a few years ago that talked about finding a new way of sharing my feelings and it would be from a media outlet...I don't remember the exact words without looking back at my notes but after that I started this blog. I can honestly say that it has helped and made that blessing come true. So today I am going to use it again because it brings me peace when I am able to leave it here instead of all in me.

I haven't heard from Jared. And more than anything I just don't want to care. I need to have more men in the line-up so I don't mind so much about him not calling or anything. I know he is out dating other girls. I just want to be dating a few other guys to help me not be so caught up in just one until it is at that point. I guess I am not completely caught up in Jared, but I do wish he would call and ask me out this weekend. It's Thursday so it isn't looking good. But I can still have a fun weekend without him. I will work on not being weird for put up the lovely sign on my forehead when I see him Sunday. I am doing my best to just think of him as a friend. His lack of communication is not super attractive to me because good communication is so important to me and in someone I want to be with. But I will say that it is always a little shaky at first when you get to know someone but then it either improves or they just don't communicate. Only time will tell. But I am excited that I get to see Mike tonight and hopefully that will take focus away from Jared. Then Monday I am going to send Brad dunford donuts for his birthday. Nothing too exciting but nice to send and even nicer to keep my mind in a few places. So, here's to going at a good pace, not being too upset if I don't hear at all from Jared, and keeping my mind a few places. I want to be able to see all of the good that can and will come from this weekend.

Also, one tender thing that made my day better yesterday was something small but sweet. I didn't show up at all to the gym on Tuesday. I wasn't sure if Matty would notice. But he did. He sent me a text (yet another I didn't get that day) asking how I was. He was worried because I always show up. He also knew there was a chance that Ian would be at my lunch that day. It wasn't huge but it was so nice to feel cared for. I'm grateful to Matty for that.

Every step counts

The last week has been interesting, as always. I am back on the "who knows what Jared is thinking or feeling boat" but today I am blessed with feeling peace about it. I hope that lasts for a while. I have had two things that I have noticed that are stepping stones for me since last year.

Ian gave me a white zip up jacket that I really loved to live in at home. It is comfortable and I can wear it out too. When everything fell apart, I put that and another shirt he bought me in a bag and buried it in storage. I have been thinking about bringing it out the last few weeks but hadn't done it yet. Last weekend, I dug it out, washed it and have been wearing it ever since. It may be a small step but I could care less about Ian, but I do want the comfy jacket. I don't want to say that it doesn't hurt anymore but honestly, 99.9% of the time, there is nothing in me that hurts for Ian. He isn't and hasn't been what I want for so long. But it feels good to have a gift from him on and not even care that it came from him. That is a step in the best direction.

Next, dating just sucks most of the time. It's great when you are both interested in each other and everything seems to click. Well, getting to that point is hard. And let's be honest, my past track record isn't giving me hope that it is going to work...yes, I am still working on hope and it is going well, but it is hard at times. On Sunday when I saw Jared at ward prayer he wasn't weird and we chatted it up and flirted and it seemed really good. When he was leaving he told me he would for sure be at my event on Tuesday. If you were to ask me if he was interested that night, I would have said yes and felt very confident in that assessment.

Yesterday was my event. When I first saw him I was talking to one of his co-workers and one of my old friends. It was kind of an awkward hello and he seemed nervous but said how great everything looked. I caught up to him a minute later and told him what he should eat because we all know that I am a foodie. I checked in a few minutes later and he said it was really good. Then my friend came down so she could see him and we all 3 of us played with an adorable Golden Retriever with a bow tie on. It was chill and good. He seemed to be enjoying being around me, not weird like he had been, but still a little nervous. Then I showed him to where he was at and the event began. After it ended I was on the radio when he walked up to me so I had to say hold on, but then he told me how good the food was and specifics about the flavors(bless this kid's heart for knowing how important food is to me and making the effort). He again seemed a little nervous and left after we said a couple of things. I sent him a text a couple of hours later that said that it was good to see him and that he should go to ward temple night that night. It was funny and cute. But I never heard anything back at all. I did have issues with my phone yesterday and I know of 5 texts that I never received, both from iPhone users. So it is entirely possible he sent something, but it is also very possible he did not. And yes, I did send him an email about it this morning. :) I will even copy and paste it here for you all:

Hey!
Happy Wednesday..."hump day" if you have seen the hilarious camel commercial! When I think of it, it makes me smile every time. Haha.
Last night I found out that I have missed at least 5 separate texts from different people in the last 48 hours and I keep finding out that I have missed even more over the last few weeks since the upgrade. Texting people back is important to me so I always do it. So I am emailing people who may have sent me texts or that I have sent texts to. I never heard back from you last Thursday or yesterday so if you sent me anything, I didn't get it. If you didn't get mine, stupid upgrade. If you didn't respond, I guess our phones are fine and feel free to use this for future reference if my phone continues to suck. :)
Have a great day!
Colleen

See, it isn't scary. This is where the stepping stone comes in. This is me trying to clear up anything that could have happened in case he has sent me texts that I haven't responded to. But it was overall chill and invited a friend or more vibe. This is a gray email. It isn't black or white. Last night of course the first thing I thought was that I should just ignore him and move on. But in the moment after that, I remembered that isn't what you do. He and I can be friends regardless of what happens and even if something doesn't happen now, it could in the future, or I could gain a new friend out of it. But I don't know if he has thrown me off of the interest wagon and so it is a gray email. Yes, I do want to continue to get to know him more. I like most all of what I have seen and learned. This no texting me back thing or texting in between drives me a little nuts but it is what it is. So it is gray right now and I could see it going many different ways, some good, some sucky for a little while and some fine. At the end of the day, I need the will of Heavenly Father to happen. I don't know if Jared will write me back from the email. That could be a red flag for my book too if he doesn't. All I know is that I don't know. It's gray and I am living in it when I want something my way and it's okay. Yay for growing, even when it isn't easy.

Always interesting

I have to say that I am grateful for my life. I am even more grateful when I actually feel grateful in my heart. It is one of the most peaceful feelings. I pray every morning to be able to recognize my blessings because I sincerely know that they are in abundance. I still have hard things that arise from day to day but if I am able to stay focused on what I have, I am definitely in better spirits. So today I will write a couple of things I am grateful for.

On Wednesday right after I updated my blog post, I got a text from Jared asking me to lunch?? Seriously. I about dropped the phone I was so shocked. But I went and didn't bring up the awkwardness that had been happening and just was myself and enjoyed myself so much. Kristen saw one of his texts before we went and she got a huge grin on her face and I told her to stop that right away because he was not off the hook yet! :) We just went over and waited for 50 minutes for our lunch and he had a big presentation and so we ended up getting our food to go and almost running back. While we were waiting, I really enjoyed him. He definitely has some walls up and he seems to be very careful about what he does. He put his arm on the back of my chair and my face went BRIGHT red and I tried to continue my story. Bless my heart. He ended up moving it a few minutes later. But I really had a great time. This time after I just tried to remember that he is not like other guys and so I can't assume the basics. So I am working on just going with it each day and seeing what comes. I can't control any of it even though I still find myself at moments trying to. It could end before it begins, it could be the most amazing relationship I have ever been in, it could be the most painful breakup I have ever experienced or we could end up getting married. There are at least a dozen other possibilities. So why not wait and see which it is? Smart, right? Well, it's not as easy as it sounds but I am working on it. But I am grateful for this experience. It will teach me something and I think it is already. But it is still a blessing.

Last night I decided I was going to say hi to Mike at institute. He has the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen or at least, in person. It just melts me. So after weeks of catching each others' eyes and those fun things, I was going to say actual words to him in person! I did!! And really, it was all about timing. I had to leave at 7:30 to get to my game and he was late and walking in as I was leaving. It was perfect because neither of us were with a group. I told him that I had been meaning to tell him that he had a great smile that it was ward and his eyes lit up. He said he was blushing and I was too nice. Then I started heading out and he asked me where I was going. I told him softball and he got all excited and said he had just come from there. He never got my name...:) But this morning I had an email from him on Facebook thanking me for the compliment and a couple of other things. Yay! I wrote him back. I haven't heard anything but it will open the door for us to talk in person. I am grateful for this and for the timing for it all coming together. Who knows if I will ever get to kiss his beautiful mouth(sorry a little graphic?) or not, but today it is good.

I am grateful for both of these things. While there are things about both situations that make me feel uneasy because it is gray, I am okay. I just want to enjoy the good when it comes and deal with the hard when that comes and not fret before. Here's to doing that today.

What I Am Learning From This

I think that we go through things to prepare us for the future. There are certain things we need to learn before we can have the next life experience. With everything that is happening with Jared, I am so tempted to feel how I have always have felt, not worth it to men enough to keep me around and put in effort. These are not good or healthy feelings. I have really worked, especially the last few days, to remind myself that I am in fact worth it regardless of what he decides to do or doesn't. I am worth it regardless of any outside force. It is hard to feel these things but I have repeated over and over to myself that I am worth it. So maybe this whole thing with Jared was meant to happen to help me know that I am worth it regardless if I feel otherwise or if others treat me like I am not worth it. I shouldn't feel less because he is acting the way he chooses.

This whole awkwardness is really hard for me because it is unsettling for me to not have peace and some resolve. I don't know why he is acting the way he is, and I really hope I haven't created any of it but I am sure I am responsible for a little. I just have such a hard time with these situations. I am a creature of communication and it is important to me and I want to send him an email just putting him at ease about the situation. If we go out again, great, I had a wonderful time. If not, that's fine too. We can be friends because he has great qualities that I look for in a friend as well. But whichever it is, no pressure. Just don't be weird. I know he is dating others and so am I. It's okay to be nice to me without me thinking he wants to marry me. If he continues not to text me or ask me out, then I will know he isn't interested and I will put him in the friend zone. Right now, this gray isn't the good gray, it's the awkward for no reason gray and I want to put him at ease if that is possible and by doing that, putting me at ease. But I am trying to decide my want for resolve if it is because I want to control the situation or if it is just because I like to communicate things so that it doesn't get worse. If he doesn't respond well to communication, than it would never work anyway. I need that in a spouse. Craig has been my saving grace on this front. While I don't want to marry him, he and I communicate better than any other man in my life. It's healthy and we are good at it. It is nice to show me that I can communicate well with a man. As of now, I have put a call into my counselor to see if this is a need for control or communication. I will write it out either way so at least it is out of me. This is a hard situation for me and in ways, I kind of wish he wouldn't have asked me out. But he did and it happened so I need to learn what I can from it in the day and focus on living in each day and not looking back or expecting things from the future. It's going to be okay, I know that. I still want Heavenly Father's will whatever it is more than what I want. Hard, but true.

Better and Lame

I'm better after my last post. That was one of the harder nights I've had in the last year, but putting one foot in front of the other, it got a little better day by day. Even on the crappy days, there was still good and happiness in them.

I do love this little blog because I can vent, get it out on paper and no one really knows about it. And venting it out on paper helps me and that I am grateful for. So it is time for a vent session about stupid dating and guys. But I do have to write a disclaimer that girls suck too. It goes both ways. But I would also like to state that I don't believe that I sucked in this situation.

Oh sweet, young Jared. He is 24. And until two days ago, he was playing off his maturity as much older and put together. Well, I am no longer as impressed as I was. But I will say, it could very well be that he is just not interested in me after going out with me. That's fine, sucks a little, but really, it is fine. What is annoying in my healthier ways is feeling ignored. Yes, I have done this to people and yes, karma is a b but still, I didn't do anything to deserve it. We had a great date, had fun, he said let's do it again sometime in our after date text and then Sunday when I freaking looked GOOD, it is as if we have never met and he doesn't even know who I am. Seriously?! Doesn't even look my way. I did do my chill part when I passed him talking to another guy and said hi to both of them cheerfully but I can guarantee you that it wasn't so cheerful as to say marry me now. Then after church he ends up flirting with some girls. That part I get and really totally fine. We're not exclusive, nor should we be at this point and this while isn't the most joyous moment of my life watching that, I get it because I will do the same. But what irks me is not even taking the time to say hello or look at me. Now to make things a little more annoying, his roommate went out with my roommate and he sent her a text on Sunday and she asked what we did for our date. He replied and then said that Jared had a good time? Really, cause he doesn't even look at me. Then we continue on to last night. We had a ward talent show and it was fun. But after I talked with a few people, men and women. Then I see him across the room by the garbage can talking and flirting with this girl. Totes fine. I had decided that Sunday could have just been an off day and his roommate said he had a good time. That can deserve me saying hello to him before I leave, not a conversation, a simple, flash my pearly whites at him hi and go. I didn't want to interrupt him flirting because that isn't fair. I get that his pool for dating is our ward right now. But then I see him getting her number and I went all sassy inside. It wasn't that he was getting her number(although I had plenty of swear words for that), it was simply that he was taking the time to ask her out, get her number without even making an effort to say hello to me. And I am going to be horrible for a moment: I am more attractive than she is, my testimony is stronger than her, and frankly I just have my life put together more than she does...and she is a brat.(Clearly so am I.) So it came down to him choosing to not talk to me, spend time with her without even acting like he and I have ever met. Now I'm just irritated and confused. But I sucked it up and at this point didn't care whether I interrupted them or not. I walked over to throw away my cup and tapped(ish casual?) on his shoulder and hers and said hey to both of them and kept walking. I didn't look at him while I said it. But his hey was inviting to talk to him(that could be in my head but I don't think so)...I just kept walking and ended up talking to his roommate. We talked about a few things but then I was waiting for my other roommate and I casually (I was joyful and happy acting at this point, not sad and droopy)mentioned that I was waiting on my roommate because she was flirting with a guy and somehow I mentioned that his roommate was getting a girl's number. We talked about Flag Football tonight and then it was cheery and I left. Have I heard from Jared? No. Will I? Who in the whole world knows. I am getting conflicting messages. I could totally see him not being interested. But then there are other things that make me think otherwise. What I do know is that this is just silly. But at least it is down on paper and all of this feistiness is on paper and not in me as strongly. Success. :)

Even though this is annoying, at the end of the day, all I care about happening is Heavenly Father's will for me in my life. His plan is better than I could ever imagine. I hope that the part of the plan involving my husband is coming soon.

No More Please

I went to counseling today and felt so much better after. I explained all that has been happening the last 3 weeks and how I felt. Instead of making me feel bad about what I was feeling, she agreed with the feelings. She agreed with my assessments of things that were handled well and things that were not. She didn't agree because she was trying to get me to like her, she genuinely agreed. The hard part is that I got home, talked with my roommate about an issue we had and felt wrong again for feeling what I had. I felt like I am weird and wrong for feeling what I did. She also told me other things that I am not great at. She didn't mean to hurt my feelings but of course with my personality, all I heard were those things that are disgusting about me, or so they feel. I am trying to put a happy face on each day and do my best in each day. I am really trying to love myself more each day. But I just feel like I am failing. Failing at being healthy, normal, desirable, kind, loving, not being jealous, patient and so much more. I have no more to give today. I have nothing left. I will try again tomorrow.

Life is hard

Life is hard. Julia told me last week to stop trying to hurry and get feeling better and just allow myself to be sad, hurt, angry and whatever else comes. Today I am doing that. I think that Satan is trying to kill me by cutting out the people I have loved most for the last few years or it is Heavenly Father opening a new path for me to walk with new people. I don't know which one it is yet. All I know is that life changes and you have to keep moving with it and make it the best you can. I'm trying to do that and I think that is one area in the last month that I have been okay at. I have made mistakes, felt more sadness, pain and a heavier heart than any other time this year, but I have made it a point to look for my many blessings every single day. Each morning I wake up and I keep trying and I pray that even though it could be a hard day with my usual heavy heart, that I am able to feel grateful for the blessings I see in that day. I know I am blessed. I just want to be able to FEEL that in my heart. I have decided that a grateful heart is a happy heart. It releases some pain and helps me see the good. I already know that you can find happiness in every day. Now it is time to learn how to be happy during hard times of trial.

I am just going to list the things that I believe are influencing my heavy heart and hopefully it will lighten:

Landon. This is a man who I have been friends with for years, really good friends. I felt so right about telling him all that I did and I felt how it was done was good. I still have not heard from him in over a month. I have sent him emails and texts and he won't respond. While I still feel that this was the right path and thing to do, it still hurts that someone I have loved and cared for decided to leave my life.

Katie. She moved to Colorado. This is exactly what they need to be doing but there is a difference in me from it. It is harder for me to feel that safe love that she gives me. This will get better and I am sure is getting better right now because I am working on it. They need to be there and it is right for them and that is what is best and I will be okay.

Car. Seriously, I only have to pay for 2 things if something goes wrong on my car. My tires and windows. Last week my two front tires were down to threads and I was heading to Logan. I had to replace all 4 tires. Monday while coming back from Lava, three rocks flew into my windshield and the crack in the middle spidered 5 inches by the time we got back and another 5 since. The blessing of both is that I have a savings account and I can take money from there. Another blessing is that I was safe. If my tires would have blown out, it could have been very dangerous. My sensor in my car alerted me to my back tire being low. That is a blessing.

Mikelle. On Saturday I got my hair done by my friend and hairstylist of 17 years. She is great and very talented but takes a lot longer because we chat and it slows her down. Saturday night I had made a reservation to meet friends for my birthday and I really wanted to be there on time. I told Mikelle about this and when I HAD to be gone. That time came around and she wasn't grasping what I needed. She also offered up advice that I was not having at all. I know she meant well but inside I just felt angry and frustrated. And then I was even more of both because I was feeling that way. I just felt like those closest are not going to be around.

Paige. I finally broke down and shared feelings. I did it in a bad way which I felt horrible for but they were honest feelings. I did apologize about it, sincerely. My feelings are very much hurt and upset and unsure and understanding to her. I don't know what that means. But I am doing my best with it.

Megan. The one time I got to see her, I was very upset because of a miscommunication and handled it in a bad way. I got upset and instead of walking away and breathing, I let it my anger take over. I didn't get to see my good friend again while she was here and I regret that a lot.

Megan and Paige and their husbands. This was especially hard. I really like both husbands a lot. But I really just wanted it to be us 3+1 for dinner. Normally I wouldn't have said anything but the feeling of dread and of how horrible I felt after our last 5 person experience, I just really felt sick about going and said something. I haven't had strong feelings against something in a long time. I told them my feelings. Drama happened and I just wish I wouldn't have felt such strong feelings and just been able to suck it up. I don't know where those feelings came from. But it just added to losing close friendships in my life that I have depended on and loved for many years. It isn't that I am losing them, it is that they are very different and I have to figure out how to make it work for me with the difference and how to do that. I felt like what was important to me wasn't to them, that my feelings were far less important than what they were doing. There were other options, but they saw one option and that was how it was going to be regardless of what I felt. I don't think that either one was on a plan to make my night horrible or even knew how hard it is for me, it was just how it all came out. Miscommunication and bad timing. I was so upset as to why my feelings would be so strong. I still don't have a good answer for that. All I know is that it happened and it has been hard.

Mom. Being around my mom has been very difficult. It has been very hard for me recently feeling that I never have had that "safe place" in someone. I have never had a parent figure who I could go to and trust and feel like they loved me and would take care of me. There is no way to have this as an adult. You have to get it from pieces here and there. Let me tell you, it is not good. I always have to be strong. I always have to keep it together. I have to be fine so that others can rely on me. It is too much and it is so hard. My mom drains this out of me so much. She puts me into her mother role and it really hard for me. I want to run. I can't explain these feelings but they are destructive.

Julia and Craig. I had a roommate named Kate and we are very similar when it comes to men you like, have dated or are getting over. You are nice to them but you don't in any way flirt with them. To me, it is a way to be loyal to your friends and that invites trust. I know I think of things different than most. Julia said she doesn't know how to not flirt unless she is being rude to them and avoiding. We talked about it and I just felt like I was the crazy person. I have no claim over Craig. I would say I don't want to be with him. By trying to physically steal the football from him in my car with just us 3 is going to piss me off for 2 hours. If I am dating someone else, no prob. But I'm not and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me lose trust. Craig is whatever. He flirts with everyone and that is a reason I am not so interested. I finally told her to forget about it because of how it was playing out and I didn't want our friendship to hurt because of it. But then again, I felt like I am losing my good friends left and right. And it made me feel like I had something wrong with me.

Feeling Alone. I have had destructive thoughts in the last month of not feeling like I am worth it to men to take a chance on or to even be worth it to love, let alone be attracted to. I know these are bad for me and each time they came up, I fought back. But for whatever reason, this last month against all of my fighting, I have felt incredibly alone and unloved and unwanted. Let me tell you, those feelings are horrible. Each time they come in, I try to reroute my brain to my blessings and what went well that day. It's hard.

While all of these things have been hard, and other things I haven't mentioned, each and every day I wake up, thank Heavenly Father for my blessings, really feel His love for me and start my day. I keep walking. I keep going. Some days I am not moving forward, I am simply making it through. But each day I look for Heavenly Father's hand. I have always had this fear that I would have to lose another person close to me and trust in Heavenly Father this time without getting angry at Him. This could be that time and I want to trust Him more than anything and feel His love. I have felt it and couldn't be more grateful for that. Life is hard for everyone and it is kicking my trash.

Just like the things I am having a hard time with, I want to write some of the things that are helping me get out of bed:

Camping at the Girl Scout Camp a few weeks ago. I had such gratitude for my surroundings and how beautiful it was.

Boot camp in the rain. Who knew this would put me in a better mood?? But it did just that. It was pouring rain last week and after a really hard day, I went and my friends there, combined with laughing and working out made it great for a moment.

Amy and the U game. Amy took me to the Utah game on my birthday and I had no expectations and had such a good night. She made me feel like I was important because it was my birthday and really made me feel good. The game was amazing and I loved being there. The stress of running into Ian wasn't there, it was just a great night.

Logan with Katie. I love my sister more than words will ever express. This girl loves me and needs me and cares for me and I can feel that every day. We just hung out all day and made food and relaxed and talked. It was exactly what I wanted for my birthday, time with her.

Faustina Dinner. I set up a dinner for good friends. I wanted a good meal. I was very grateful for those who made time to come and be with me and help me celebrate. Time is a big deal to me. It shows me that for 2 hours once a year, you will set time aside to be with me. All of my Mormon friends left the moment they finished eating but my gym friends, Whitney and Kristen and I sat around eating dessert and talking and dining. Dining is something that some people don't get. You don't eat and run. You enjoy, talk, eat and enjoy the experience. We talked for an hour after about many things including Italy. They didn't make me feel rushed or that they had to hurry and get somewhere else, they just sat and talked and enjoyed each other. This was huge to me and made me feel their love. It has been a rough day and it ended beautiful.

Sunday night and peach pie with Katie. Some may think I am nuts, but I drove up to Lava, then an hour to Logan to spend the night with Katie. She had the world's best peach pie waiting for me and even better, she was sitting there waiting. We talked for an hour and it was just nice to be with her.

Monday at Lava. The night before had been rough with the Julia and Craig stuff and I just didn't want to feel yucky anymore. I just wanted to enjoy myself. I prayed really hard that morning for it. I was blessed with this. I was able to just remove myself when it got annoyed and just focused on enjoyed the day and those that were there and uplift them. It happened and it was a great day.

Last night. We had flag football at 9:30pm and I had debated it all day. I was still exhausted from the weekend and hadn't had dinner yet and was coming from boot camp where we got pounded hard. But I went. I played with the boys and had such a blast. I played well. I caught 2 interceptions and a touchdown pass and I played decent defense. It felt good to feel like I was good at something.

Yesterday. After work I went to the Temple. There was such great peace there. When I got to the Temple, it is like coming home for me. It is the only physical place on earth that I can go and feel at home. I felt that I just melted into my chair. I felt when I was driving there that everything with Paige, that she was doing the best she could. I had felt a lot of feelings and still feel a lot of feelings regarding it, but that was a peaceful feeling that has stuck with me because I know it came from above. I was grateful to be able to be in the House of the Lord and feel His Spirit. While there, I felt like all of this that has been going on sucks, but I am going to be okay. I felt great peace about it. I understood and knew that I didn't know how or what it meant, but that I was going to be okay. I feel that peace now as I write it again. I'm incredibly grateful for this.

Every morning I wake up and pray for a lot of things. Those things that I pray for most is that I will be able to see my blessings through every day, even the difficult ones, to be able to react best to what comes, to be able to help those who need it and to be the person He wants me to be. I'm trying. I will try again tomorrow.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

There is great truth to "Two steps forward, one step back" when it comes to healing...or honestly, anything. I have been feeling so accomplished lately and have been feeling that I have come so far and I am so healthy. Well, I am and I did make great progress, but I also took a step back. I am really struggling to feel worth it to men. I have wanted other people to tell me I am worth it so that I know. This is not the healthy way and I got away from doing that.

I have to feel worth it to me. I have to feel my worth come from my Heavenly Father. This is extremely hard for me right now for some reason. There have been a lot of things that have happened and I can see the abandonment that my body is taking from it. Some things I feel like aren't really affecting me but they are. Landon decided he was done because I told him something really hard. I get it and I feel a little relieved at times because I couldn't help him the way he wanted. My sister moved to Colorado with her wonderful husband. My good friend and co-worker left for a new, wonderful position at a new hotel. I still see her multiple times each week so I don't think it is creating it. One thing that is I believe that so many people on my Facebook, in my ward, in my house, that are finding love. I'm standing here watching and feeling so lonely and wanting what they have so much it hurts. It actually hurts. It isn't that I am not happy for them because I am genuinely happy for almost all of them. Comparison is the thief of joy but it is hard to see and not want it for myself.

Wanting to be with someone is not just because others have someone or are finding someone. It is something I have wanted more than anything for as long as I can remember. Someone to just love me and put me first and be there for me. How great would that be? I am turning 31 this week and in my entire 30 year old year, I haven't even held a guys hand, let alone kissed a man. That is just depressing. But I don't just want to kiss someone, I want it to mean something. It isn't that there aren't men who are interested in me. It is that there isn't a man that I am interested in who is interested in me at the same time. One blessing is that I do feel beautiful. But even with feeling beautiful, it still feels like there is something wrong with me because no one I am interested in wants to be with me. Pretty sucky.

I want to go back to feeling peace about God's will and timing and let go of the feeling of wanting to control it. I want to get married so bad but there is not a darn thing I can do to get it. It is His timing, not at all mine. That is difficult. But I have felt the good of trusting before and I want to go back to that peace. I want to love myself more. I want to really feel my blessings in each day because I know they are there. I don't want to be so ungrateful because there is so much good in my life. I want to enjoy that good instead of focusing so much on what I don't have. I want to feel good inside again and not feel like I am not worth it to men or that there is something not appealing about me.

In church we talk about how Satan is focusing on the family and trying to tear it down. I believe he starts with strong and righteous women before we even get to the dating or marriage stage. He attacks men and women in different ways but the outcome stays the same--we are getting married later and less than before. Men and women are falling away from the church because we aren't finding that one thing we want more than anything in our timing and so we seek happiness in other ways. I get why people fall away. I have no plans of it because I know that there isn't greater happiness away from Heavenly Father. I know because I have tried the other path and the most peace and happiness lie with Him in His plan and ways. It's not easy. And frankly, it sucks at times feeling so lonely. But I just want to trust in His plan and timing and way. I want to feel better and I feel that I am doing all I can to do that. I will keep trying.

Wish I could get rid of this feeling

For the past 2 weeks, I can't seem to get rid of that alone feeling. All I have been praying for and wanting is to be able to see my blessings in each day and enjoy them instead of focusing on the one thing I really want that I don't have yet. I realized a week ago how much I was craving a parent and a spouse.

I was watching Batman Begins with friends and the beginning shows how much his father loved him and supported him and was a safe place for him. I couldn't seem to stop the tears from rolling down my face. It felt so unfair that I never got this. Yes, my mom loves me to the best of her ability but she has never been the safe place to land or felt like my parent. To me that means that my whole life I have had to be strong all of the time. I have to be strong for everyone else, and me. I don't get to let down my guard and just trust that someone else will keep me safe. I feel like I don't have a place of refuge. It's hard and the feelings are hard because I can't just go and get a parent. That is one thing I will have to live without on earth. I know that some of those feelings are what naturally comes with having a husband.

My 2 roommates both have love stories in their lives right now and it has been incredibly painful to watch and see what I can't seem to get my hands on, no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to look good, be healthy, be funny, all of it. I can't control it. I am putting myself out there. I am saying no to men too. There are men that I don't think will fit me or I believe are not healthy or selfish. This is the case with 2, not a lot. But the last 2 weeks have been so difficult because all I want is to be in a relationship heading towards marriage with a man that fits the bill. These feelings are overwhelming and painful. It's hard to feel them.

I keep praying to just be fine with where I am at right now because for whatever reason, Heavenly Father has me here for a purpose. I can't see it AT ALL. But I do trust that there is a reason for it, even when it sucks horribly. I haven't kissed or cuddled or really touched a man since Ian and that was a year and a half ago. I turn 31 this week and I haven't had one romantic encounter my entire 30 year old year. :( I believe that Satan is doing his best t bring me down. He is succeeding according to my feelings. But my mind and prayers keep pleading to be okay and happy where I am. I have been there before. I would like to really appreciate the many blessings that are happening all around me and not miss them because I feel so lonely.

Last night was a great example. Matt asked me to dinner to celebrate my birthday and for being an awesome client. His words. There was confusion and I thought I was just a means to get him up to Park City and we had to do it earlier so he could meet up with other people. This is me going straight to the worst case scenario and devaluing myself. Both things are not healthy. I always think I have come so far and then I am reminded I am not there yet. Two steps forward, one step back, right? Matty had me drive so he could have a drink while we were up there. He wasn't meeting anyone up there after. We went to Park City because there was this amazing restaurant that he wanted to take me to. The blessing of this is exactly opposite of what I thought. Matt took me there over the girl he is dating and everyone else because he knew how much I loved food. My entree alone was $45. We also had dessert and appetizers. What I need to see is that someone in my life whom I care about listens to what I love and then made it happen for me. I really did just sit back and enjoy him and the the night. After I still felt lonely??? It was a great night but I still have this fear he is going to leave me. I don't know why that is exactly besides the unhealthy part of me. Matt may not want to date me or marry me, but he cares about me as a person in his life. As far as I know, he has never taken a client to dinner, let alone a dinner that nice, ever. So why in the world would I feel like I am still missing something when I was very blessed with a great night?? That is the question I have been asking myself and praying a lot about.

I want this feeling to pass and I just want to be happy with what is happening in my life instead of feeling the loss of what I don't. I am lacking some hope and faith in my future and I need it to come back in. I don't want to miss enjoying the wonderful things that are happening in my life because I can't shake the feeling of wanting something that I don't have yet. I hope this coming week will be better.

Hate feeling so alone

I have been very blessed. I haven't felt as alone as I do right now for a while. That is a huge blessing. I forget how crappy it feels to be here. I hate not having a boyfriend, husband or even love interest that is actually interested in me. Please can it just be my turn?

Nothing is as constant as change

Today a very good friend of mine and co-worker left the Hilton. She moved on to a promotion at another hotel. She will do amazing because she is amazing and amazing always come from those who are. That's a mouth full. :) It got me thinking about how nothing is as constant as change.

You can't live in the same place forever. Your relationships with others will never stay the same, they ebb and flow. Chances are pretty good you won't live in the same place forever. Life is about change. We should get used to it because it will continue to happen.

I have been very blessed. Since Craig and I talked, I really felt fine and didn't want to be with him and I was reminded that I wasn't that attracted to him. I have kept my distance for the first week because I knew it was good. But even in all of that, I wasn't sad and I was completely fine. Friday up in Bear Lake I was falling back into my good feeling security that he is for me where I am drawn to where he is. I am not the only one, he is guilty of coming right back to me as well. But the difference is that he is 99% sure he doesn't want to be with me more than friends. That was fine and dandy until yesterday. He had his shirt off at FHE for our water kickball and he has lost more weight and looked good. Boo! The issue with not being attracted to him is not as big an issue as before. Boo! But I just keep reminding myself that I felt relieved that I wouldn't be with him. It doesn't help that I love that safe feeling and no one else really gives that to me. I need to distance myself again. Oh well. I was very blessed for the last few weeks with not feeling anything. I hope that it will pass soon...very soon. Like now. :)

But what I wrote before is just another change. Our feelings change too. Changes are always happening. The only thing we can do in life is learn to accept them and make the most out of them. I really like a line from Sugarland's "These Are the Days", "...the hard times pass like the good ones do..." because it is so true. The good times come and then they go, the hard times come and then they go. It is like the seasons, after winter always comes spring. Change is inevitable. It may not feel great while it is changing but it will yield some great things if you let it. So here's to trying to be better at accepting change.

Watch Out

I just feel like I want to yell at everyone because I am so frustrated and it isn't their faults so I thought I would put my thoughts and feelings on here so I don't regret yelling at others for something they didn't do.

I am mad. I am frustrated. I am so sick of it not working out the way I want it to. I am sick of being good friends with men, 2 of them in particular this time around, who are 95% of what I am looking for and them not wanting to be with me. WTH? Then yesterday some Tinder guy was all about me and texting me all day then we become FB friends and maybe a text or 2 after. Am I that horrible to look at??! Seriously, I know I am taking this to an extreme but the timing of all of it creates that issue.

Saturday night as I am talking with Brad, I am thinking this is exactly what I am looking for. Why can't he see it in me? He is too short and lives far away. Those are my issues with him. But are those things I have overlooked because all of the other stuff is so good? Yes. Craig has is 5% missing but his other qualities overwhelm that.

I prayed that whatever was best to happen would happen on Saturday night and I believe it did. I just feel beat down with it never working. It'll pass. I will be happy where I am at again soon, I just get to have my day or 2 to be pissed and hurt about it. I am fine with what the Lord chooses and I believe one day I will be grateful, but today isn't that day. I am grateful that He knows best. I am glad that I really do believe that. I am glad that I would rather still trust in His will over my own wants. I just want it to all work out and soon.

Expectations

Expectations are the root of all evil. :) Think about it though, if you are subconsciously expecting something to happen, then it doesn't, you feel let down. It doesn't mean that it was going to happen anyway or that the other person had any idea of our hopes for it, it was OUR OWN expectation. It isn't fair to other people either. I have been thinking a lot about that this past week.

On Saturday I will see an old friend from my mission. On my mission I had a crush on him. He is shorter than me and that always seems to overrule any feelings. Well, he and I are going to a wedding together on Saturday and it has been something that I have been looking forward to, and building up expectations, since April. Ridiculous? Yes. In my logical brain do I really think anything will happen on the ONE night I will see him in NINE years? Honestly, not really. I have hoped for it though. This has been something that I have looked forward to with an excited question mark every time I go on a bad date, when Craig freaked out, or when I am feeling lonely. He is a very good guy with the right standards, right personality, attractive looks, and let's just say, he really fits the bill on everything besides his height. But right now the height thing doesn't bother me...granted I haven't been standing next to him. :) He is a hope that is(was) far in the future to hope for that there is a chance for me to find what I have been looking for but far enough away that I could find someone else or release my expectation before I see him. Well friends, it is 4 days away and I am ready to be let down. I should have started getting rid of my expectations last month! But lo and behold I am here and so I will spend the next 4 days trying to rid myself of those and just trust in Heavenly Father and HIS plan, even if it doesn't include anything great happening with us on Saturday night or in the future. Sucks, but trusting is the better and best option anyway. It helps me feel less pressure to make it go well. Ideally what I want to happen is for me to go in and be excited to see old friends and just enjoy them and the moment without any expectation of romance. So here's to trusting in powers far greater than mine.

Too much

Saturday morning I was more than a little overwhelmed and started to fall apart in Smith's while grocery shopping. You know it's bad when I am falling apart around food because food brings me such joy. :) My client had been making accusations and had a very entitled attitude all week and it just got worse and worse on Friday night and that morning. On top of that, Landon was needing me and needing me to call. I just couldn't do any of it. I was worried I wasn't going to be able to be the professional, cool, calm coordinator that is so important to my job. While I was breaking down around the deli meat, I thought I should ask for a blessing. Usually when I ask for a blessing it is something I have thought about, prayed about and waited to make sure it is something I need. Saturday morning was not in that category. I sent a quick text to Craig and asked him to give me one. He, of course, was gracious and said yes immediately. I went over to his house because I was right by it.

When I got there I couldn't stop crying. I was a blubbering mess...snot coming out, big red nose, tears, crying...it just wasn't pretty at all. He was sweet and let me tell him what was going on. One thing that he said stuck out to me was that I wasn't supposed to be everything to everybody all of the time. Why did I feel like I just had to suck it up, push my issues down and deal? Craig gets a star. The answer to that question is that I have been doing that my whole life. Stuff down the stuff that is hard and just deal and make sure everyone is okay. I feel selfish when I don't do this. Honestly, I didn't realize I was doing that until he said it like that. The blessing he gave me was wonderful. A few things that stuck out most was that Heavenly Father is happy with me and He loves me. He said that it was good that I was close with these people but I had to take care of me first and help them help themselves. Help them help themselves really stuck out to me. I have had the feeling and thought(and I have told him) to tell Landon that I think it would be very beneficial for him to see someone while he is going through this hard time. In my eyes I can see the unhealthy things that he is struggling with that he has no idea are not healthy and will ultimately push people away. I also know that there is a better way to feel while going through his hard time, not right away but after working at it. On Saturday I felt what I had to do for me was tell him I couldn't help him that day. Funny story from the end of the blessing...I was on my way to boot camp and therefore in a tank top. Craig and my first ever hug was firmer(right word?) and tighter and longer than expected. It was very sweet because he could tell I was having a hard time. The best part happened when he was pulling me in tighter and was so tight that he put his hand is my possible moist armpit....I didn't say anything out loud but I was for sure laughing in my head. Haha.

Sunday I sent Landon a text asking him how he was doing. He wrote me back 10 long texts explaining how he hadn't slept and was losing it. I wrote him an empathetic, honest and caring text about maybe seeing someone. It took me a while to write it because I wanted to make sure it wasn't rude or hurtful. All he wrote back was "really?" He hasn't said a word to me since. I have sent him some texts telling him I am still here and his friend. I feel really bad about it but relieved at the same time. Even last night I felt like that was the right thing to do. I hope it doesn't ruin our friendship for good because that would be a great loss.

Onward and upward.