Uhh...

I really have no idea what to title this because it will probably be all over the place. I wouldn't call it a rant, just a vent.

My heart hurts a little bit. Jared hasn't made the effort in contacting me in over a week since our make out. Seriously? I do not make out with just anyone. It means something to me. I have been here before where the guy has freaked out and then just dropped off the face of the planet. Well, it doesn't work so well when they are in your ward. I saw him yesterday and he seemed nervous a little but not the awkward I don't want to know you nervous which usually accompanies this, it was the almost cute nervous he was when he came to my event. I keep feeling like there is more about him that I need to know before I walk but the more time that passes without anything, I am feeling closer to walking from this. I will give this to the end of the week and then I will probably send him an email being honest with him about all of it. I will be nice and I will be tactful but I will also let him know that it isn't okay. I was so hoping that when I saw him yesterday I wouldn't have that attachment emotion to him but I did. He wore his green sweater and he always looks good in that. I looked beautiful too so hopefully he was eating his heart out.

This is a part of the gray that I haven't done nor mastered. It's really hard. I have to let him do what he is going to do and not be able to be cut and dry. Then on the other hand too if it does come to a close, I have to figure out how to be his friend and not put of the famous sign on my head. I wanted so much to open up and trust him how I have trusted Craig but right now, Jared is not a safe place. I don't think he has my feelings in mind. I felt like I needed to open up and give him a chance and I just feel like I haven't had that opportunity. I feel like he could be but he isn't right now. When I am with him, I feel completely safe and good, when I am not, I don't, especially when he isn't talking to me. Even last Thursday I felt like it wasn't over even if we didn't go out last weekend. I am trying to be open to anything and maybe this time I will be pleasantly surprised and he will come and get me like I always want a man to do. Or it may turn out how the rest of them have. Whichever it is, I just need it to be the way the Lord wants it and I really just want peace to accompany it. The peace is more valuable than anything and will get me through anything. I just want to feel it is best. I don't feel like it is the right timing yet to bail. I want to believe in Jared and that there is still good that can come from this. I hate it when my heart hurts. But such is life. Let the Lord's will happen.