There is great truth to "Two steps forward, one step back" when it comes to healing...or honestly, anything. I have been feeling so accomplished lately and have been feeling that I have come so far and I am so healthy. Well, I am and I did make great progress, but I also took a step back. I am really struggling to feel worth it to men. I have wanted other people to tell me I am worth it so that I know. This is not the healthy way and I got away from doing that.
I have to feel worth it to me. I have to feel my worth come from my Heavenly Father. This is extremely hard for me right now for some reason. There have been a lot of things that have happened and I can see the abandonment that my body is taking from it. Some things I feel like aren't really affecting me but they are. Landon decided he was done because I told him something really hard. I get it and I feel a little relieved at times because I couldn't help him the way he wanted. My sister moved to Colorado with her wonderful husband. My good friend and co-worker left for a new, wonderful position at a new hotel. I still see her multiple times each week so I don't think it is creating it. One thing that is I believe that so many people on my Facebook, in my ward, in my house, that are finding love. I'm standing here watching and feeling so lonely and wanting what they have so much it hurts. It actually hurts. It isn't that I am not happy for them because I am genuinely happy for almost all of them. Comparison is the thief of joy but it is hard to see and not want it for myself.
Wanting to be with someone is not just because others have someone or are finding someone. It is something I have wanted more than anything for as long as I can remember. Someone to just love me and put me first and be there for me. How great would that be? I am turning 31 this week and in my entire 30 year old year, I haven't even held a guys hand, let alone kissed a man. That is just depressing. But I don't just want to kiss someone, I want it to mean something. It isn't that there aren't men who are interested in me. It is that there isn't a man that I am interested in who is interested in me at the same time. One blessing is that I do feel beautiful. But even with feeling beautiful, it still feels like there is something wrong with me because no one I am interested in wants to be with me. Pretty sucky.
I want to go back to feeling peace about God's will and timing and let go of the feeling of wanting to control it. I want to get married so bad but there is not a darn thing I can do to get it. It is His timing, not at all mine. That is difficult. But I have felt the good of trusting before and I want to go back to that peace. I want to love myself more. I want to really feel my blessings in each day because I know they are there. I don't want to be so ungrateful because there is so much good in my life. I want to enjoy that good instead of focusing so much on what I don't have. I want to feel good inside again and not feel like I am not worth it to men or that there is something not appealing about me.
In church we talk about how Satan is focusing on the family and trying to tear it down. I believe he starts with strong and righteous women before we even get to the dating or marriage stage. He attacks men and women in different ways but the outcome stays the same--we are getting married later and less than before. Men and women are falling away from the church because we aren't finding that one thing we want more than anything in our timing and so we seek happiness in other ways. I get why people fall away. I have no plans of it because I know that there isn't greater happiness away from Heavenly Father. I know because I have tried the other path and the most peace and happiness lie with Him in His plan and ways. It's not easy. And frankly, it sucks at times feeling so lonely. But I just want to trust in His plan and timing and way. I want to feel better and I feel that I am doing all I can to do that. I will keep trying.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Wish I could get rid of this feeling
For the past 2 weeks, I can't seem to get rid of that alone feeling. All I have been praying for and wanting is to be able to see my blessings in each day and enjoy them instead of focusing on the one thing I really want that I don't have yet. I realized a week ago how much I was craving a parent and a spouse.
I was watching Batman Begins with friends and the beginning shows how much his father loved him and supported him and was a safe place for him. I couldn't seem to stop the tears from rolling down my face. It felt so unfair that I never got this. Yes, my mom loves me to the best of her ability but she has never been the safe place to land or felt like my parent. To me that means that my whole life I have had to be strong all of the time. I have to be strong for everyone else, and me. I don't get to let down my guard and just trust that someone else will keep me safe. I feel like I don't have a place of refuge. It's hard and the feelings are hard because I can't just go and get a parent. That is one thing I will have to live without on earth. I know that some of those feelings are what naturally comes with having a husband.
My 2 roommates both have love stories in their lives right now and it has been incredibly painful to watch and see what I can't seem to get my hands on, no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to look good, be healthy, be funny, all of it. I can't control it. I am putting myself out there. I am saying no to men too. There are men that I don't think will fit me or I believe are not healthy or selfish. This is the case with 2, not a lot. But the last 2 weeks have been so difficult because all I want is to be in a relationship heading towards marriage with a man that fits the bill. These feelings are overwhelming and painful. It's hard to feel them.
I keep praying to just be fine with where I am at right now because for whatever reason, Heavenly Father has me here for a purpose. I can't see it AT ALL. But I do trust that there is a reason for it, even when it sucks horribly. I haven't kissed or cuddled or really touched a man since Ian and that was a year and a half ago. I turn 31 this week and I haven't had one romantic encounter my entire 30 year old year. :( I believe that Satan is doing his best t bring me down. He is succeeding according to my feelings. But my mind and prayers keep pleading to be okay and happy where I am. I have been there before. I would like to really appreciate the many blessings that are happening all around me and not miss them because I feel so lonely.
Last night was a great example. Matt asked me to dinner to celebrate my birthday and for being an awesome client. His words. There was confusion and I thought I was just a means to get him up to Park City and we had to do it earlier so he could meet up with other people. This is me going straight to the worst case scenario and devaluing myself. Both things are not healthy. I always think I have come so far and then I am reminded I am not there yet. Two steps forward, one step back, right? Matty had me drive so he could have a drink while we were up there. He wasn't meeting anyone up there after. We went to Park City because there was this amazing restaurant that he wanted to take me to. The blessing of this is exactly opposite of what I thought. Matt took me there over the girl he is dating and everyone else because he knew how much I loved food. My entree alone was $45. We also had dessert and appetizers. What I need to see is that someone in my life whom I care about listens to what I love and then made it happen for me. I really did just sit back and enjoy him and the the night. After I still felt lonely??? It was a great night but I still have this fear he is going to leave me. I don't know why that is exactly besides the unhealthy part of me. Matt may not want to date me or marry me, but he cares about me as a person in his life. As far as I know, he has never taken a client to dinner, let alone a dinner that nice, ever. So why in the world would I feel like I am still missing something when I was very blessed with a great night?? That is the question I have been asking myself and praying a lot about.
I want this feeling to pass and I just want to be happy with what is happening in my life instead of feeling the loss of what I don't. I am lacking some hope and faith in my future and I need it to come back in. I don't want to miss enjoying the wonderful things that are happening in my life because I can't shake the feeling of wanting something that I don't have yet. I hope this coming week will be better.
I was watching Batman Begins with friends and the beginning shows how much his father loved him and supported him and was a safe place for him. I couldn't seem to stop the tears from rolling down my face. It felt so unfair that I never got this. Yes, my mom loves me to the best of her ability but she has never been the safe place to land or felt like my parent. To me that means that my whole life I have had to be strong all of the time. I have to be strong for everyone else, and me. I don't get to let down my guard and just trust that someone else will keep me safe. I feel like I don't have a place of refuge. It's hard and the feelings are hard because I can't just go and get a parent. That is one thing I will have to live without on earth. I know that some of those feelings are what naturally comes with having a husband.
My 2 roommates both have love stories in their lives right now and it has been incredibly painful to watch and see what I can't seem to get my hands on, no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to look good, be healthy, be funny, all of it. I can't control it. I am putting myself out there. I am saying no to men too. There are men that I don't think will fit me or I believe are not healthy or selfish. This is the case with 2, not a lot. But the last 2 weeks have been so difficult because all I want is to be in a relationship heading towards marriage with a man that fits the bill. These feelings are overwhelming and painful. It's hard to feel them.
I keep praying to just be fine with where I am at right now because for whatever reason, Heavenly Father has me here for a purpose. I can't see it AT ALL. But I do trust that there is a reason for it, even when it sucks horribly. I haven't kissed or cuddled or really touched a man since Ian and that was a year and a half ago. I turn 31 this week and I haven't had one romantic encounter my entire 30 year old year. :( I believe that Satan is doing his best t bring me down. He is succeeding according to my feelings. But my mind and prayers keep pleading to be okay and happy where I am. I have been there before. I would like to really appreciate the many blessings that are happening all around me and not miss them because I feel so lonely.
Last night was a great example. Matt asked me to dinner to celebrate my birthday and for being an awesome client. His words. There was confusion and I thought I was just a means to get him up to Park City and we had to do it earlier so he could meet up with other people. This is me going straight to the worst case scenario and devaluing myself. Both things are not healthy. I always think I have come so far and then I am reminded I am not there yet. Two steps forward, one step back, right? Matty had me drive so he could have a drink while we were up there. He wasn't meeting anyone up there after. We went to Park City because there was this amazing restaurant that he wanted to take me to. The blessing of this is exactly opposite of what I thought. Matt took me there over the girl he is dating and everyone else because he knew how much I loved food. My entree alone was $45. We also had dessert and appetizers. What I need to see is that someone in my life whom I care about listens to what I love and then made it happen for me. I really did just sit back and enjoy him and the the night. After I still felt lonely??? It was a great night but I still have this fear he is going to leave me. I don't know why that is exactly besides the unhealthy part of me. Matt may not want to date me or marry me, but he cares about me as a person in his life. As far as I know, he has never taken a client to dinner, let alone a dinner that nice, ever. So why in the world would I feel like I am still missing something when I was very blessed with a great night?? That is the question I have been asking myself and praying a lot about.
I want this feeling to pass and I just want to be happy with what is happening in my life instead of feeling the loss of what I don't. I am lacking some hope and faith in my future and I need it to come back in. I don't want to miss enjoying the wonderful things that are happening in my life because I can't shake the feeling of wanting something that I don't have yet. I hope this coming week will be better.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Hate feeling so alone
I have been very blessed. I haven't felt as alone as I do right now for a while. That is a huge blessing. I forget how crappy it feels to be here. I hate not having a boyfriend, husband or even love interest that is actually interested in me. Please can it just be my turn?
Nothing is as constant as change
Today a very good friend of mine and co-worker left the Hilton. She moved on to a promotion at another hotel. She will do amazing because she is amazing and amazing always come from those who are. That's a mouth full. :) It got me thinking about how nothing is as constant as change.
You can't live in the same place forever. Your relationships with others will never stay the same, they ebb and flow. Chances are pretty good you won't live in the same place forever. Life is about change. We should get used to it because it will continue to happen.
I have been very blessed. Since Craig and I talked, I really felt fine and didn't want to be with him and I was reminded that I wasn't that attracted to him. I have kept my distance for the first week because I knew it was good. But even in all of that, I wasn't sad and I was completely fine. Friday up in Bear Lake I was falling back into my good feeling security that he is for me where I am drawn to where he is. I am not the only one, he is guilty of coming right back to me as well. But the difference is that he is 99% sure he doesn't want to be with me more than friends. That was fine and dandy until yesterday. He had his shirt off at FHE for our water kickball and he has lost more weight and looked good. Boo! The issue with not being attracted to him is not as big an issue as before. Boo! But I just keep reminding myself that I felt relieved that I wouldn't be with him. It doesn't help that I love that safe feeling and no one else really gives that to me. I need to distance myself again. Oh well. I was very blessed for the last few weeks with not feeling anything. I hope that it will pass soon...very soon. Like now. :)
But what I wrote before is just another change. Our feelings change too. Changes are always happening. The only thing we can do in life is learn to accept them and make the most out of them. I really like a line from Sugarland's "These Are the Days", "...the hard times pass like the good ones do..." because it is so true. The good times come and then they go, the hard times come and then they go. It is like the seasons, after winter always comes spring. Change is inevitable. It may not feel great while it is changing but it will yield some great things if you let it. So here's to trying to be better at accepting change.
You can't live in the same place forever. Your relationships with others will never stay the same, they ebb and flow. Chances are pretty good you won't live in the same place forever. Life is about change. We should get used to it because it will continue to happen.
I have been very blessed. Since Craig and I talked, I really felt fine and didn't want to be with him and I was reminded that I wasn't that attracted to him. I have kept my distance for the first week because I knew it was good. But even in all of that, I wasn't sad and I was completely fine. Friday up in Bear Lake I was falling back into my good feeling security that he is for me where I am drawn to where he is. I am not the only one, he is guilty of coming right back to me as well. But the difference is that he is 99% sure he doesn't want to be with me more than friends. That was fine and dandy until yesterday. He had his shirt off at FHE for our water kickball and he has lost more weight and looked good. Boo! The issue with not being attracted to him is not as big an issue as before. Boo! But I just keep reminding myself that I felt relieved that I wouldn't be with him. It doesn't help that I love that safe feeling and no one else really gives that to me. I need to distance myself again. Oh well. I was very blessed for the last few weeks with not feeling anything. I hope that it will pass soon...very soon. Like now. :)
But what I wrote before is just another change. Our feelings change too. Changes are always happening. The only thing we can do in life is learn to accept them and make the most out of them. I really like a line from Sugarland's "These Are the Days", "...the hard times pass like the good ones do..." because it is so true. The good times come and then they go, the hard times come and then they go. It is like the seasons, after winter always comes spring. Change is inevitable. It may not feel great while it is changing but it will yield some great things if you let it. So here's to trying to be better at accepting change.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Watch Out
I just feel like I want to yell at everyone because I am so frustrated and it isn't their faults so I thought I would put my thoughts and feelings on here so I don't regret yelling at others for something they didn't do.
I am mad. I am frustrated. I am so sick of it not working out the way I want it to. I am sick of being good friends with men, 2 of them in particular this time around, who are 95% of what I am looking for and them not wanting to be with me. WTH? Then yesterday some Tinder guy was all about me and texting me all day then we become FB friends and maybe a text or 2 after. Am I that horrible to look at??! Seriously, I know I am taking this to an extreme but the timing of all of it creates that issue.
Saturday night as I am talking with Brad, I am thinking this is exactly what I am looking for. Why can't he see it in me? He is too short and lives far away. Those are my issues with him. But are those things I have overlooked because all of the other stuff is so good? Yes. Craig has is 5% missing but his other qualities overwhelm that.
I prayed that whatever was best to happen would happen on Saturday night and I believe it did. I just feel beat down with it never working. It'll pass. I will be happy where I am at again soon, I just get to have my day or 2 to be pissed and hurt about it. I am fine with what the Lord chooses and I believe one day I will be grateful, but today isn't that day. I am grateful that He knows best. I am glad that I really do believe that. I am glad that I would rather still trust in His will over my own wants. I just want it to all work out and soon.
I am mad. I am frustrated. I am so sick of it not working out the way I want it to. I am sick of being good friends with men, 2 of them in particular this time around, who are 95% of what I am looking for and them not wanting to be with me. WTH? Then yesterday some Tinder guy was all about me and texting me all day then we become FB friends and maybe a text or 2 after. Am I that horrible to look at??! Seriously, I know I am taking this to an extreme but the timing of all of it creates that issue.
Saturday night as I am talking with Brad, I am thinking this is exactly what I am looking for. Why can't he see it in me? He is too short and lives far away. Those are my issues with him. But are those things I have overlooked because all of the other stuff is so good? Yes. Craig has is 5% missing but his other qualities overwhelm that.
I prayed that whatever was best to happen would happen on Saturday night and I believe it did. I just feel beat down with it never working. It'll pass. I will be happy where I am at again soon, I just get to have my day or 2 to be pissed and hurt about it. I am fine with what the Lord chooses and I believe one day I will be grateful, but today isn't that day. I am grateful that He knows best. I am glad that I really do believe that. I am glad that I would rather still trust in His will over my own wants. I just want it to all work out and soon.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Expectations
Expectations are the root of all evil. :) Think about it though, if you are subconsciously expecting something to happen, then it doesn't, you feel let down. It doesn't mean that it was going to happen anyway or that the other person had any idea of our hopes for it, it was OUR OWN expectation. It isn't fair to other people either. I have been thinking a lot about that this past week.
On Saturday I will see an old friend from my mission. On my mission I had a crush on him. He is shorter than me and that always seems to overrule any feelings. Well, he and I are going to a wedding together on Saturday and it has been something that I have been looking forward to, and building up expectations, since April. Ridiculous? Yes. In my logical brain do I really think anything will happen on the ONE night I will see him in NINE years? Honestly, not really. I have hoped for it though. This has been something that I have looked forward to with an excited question mark every time I go on a bad date, when Craig freaked out, or when I am feeling lonely. He is a very good guy with the right standards, right personality, attractive looks, and let's just say, he really fits the bill on everything besides his height. But right now the height thing doesn't bother me...granted I haven't been standing next to him. :) He is a hope that is(was) far in the future to hope for that there is a chance for me to find what I have been looking for but far enough away that I could find someone else or release my expectation before I see him. Well friends, it is 4 days away and I am ready to be let down. I should have started getting rid of my expectations last month! But lo and behold I am here and so I will spend the next 4 days trying to rid myself of those and just trust in Heavenly Father and HIS plan, even if it doesn't include anything great happening with us on Saturday night or in the future. Sucks, but trusting is the better and best option anyway. It helps me feel less pressure to make it go well. Ideally what I want to happen is for me to go in and be excited to see old friends and just enjoy them and the moment without any expectation of romance. So here's to trusting in powers far greater than mine.
On Saturday I will see an old friend from my mission. On my mission I had a crush on him. He is shorter than me and that always seems to overrule any feelings. Well, he and I are going to a wedding together on Saturday and it has been something that I have been looking forward to, and building up expectations, since April. Ridiculous? Yes. In my logical brain do I really think anything will happen on the ONE night I will see him in NINE years? Honestly, not really. I have hoped for it though. This has been something that I have looked forward to with an excited question mark every time I go on a bad date, when Craig freaked out, or when I am feeling lonely. He is a very good guy with the right standards, right personality, attractive looks, and let's just say, he really fits the bill on everything besides his height. But right now the height thing doesn't bother me...granted I haven't been standing next to him. :) He is a hope that is(was) far in the future to hope for that there is a chance for me to find what I have been looking for but far enough away that I could find someone else or release my expectation before I see him. Well friends, it is 4 days away and I am ready to be let down. I should have started getting rid of my expectations last month! But lo and behold I am here and so I will spend the next 4 days trying to rid myself of those and just trust in Heavenly Father and HIS plan, even if it doesn't include anything great happening with us on Saturday night or in the future. Sucks, but trusting is the better and best option anyway. It helps me feel less pressure to make it go well. Ideally what I want to happen is for me to go in and be excited to see old friends and just enjoy them and the moment without any expectation of romance. So here's to trusting in powers far greater than mine.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Too much
Saturday morning I was more than a little overwhelmed and started to fall apart in Smith's while grocery shopping. You know it's bad when I am falling apart around food because food brings me such joy. :) My client had been making accusations and had a very entitled attitude all week and it just got worse and worse on Friday night and that morning. On top of that, Landon was needing me and needing me to call. I just couldn't do any of it. I was worried I wasn't going to be able to be the professional, cool, calm coordinator that is so important to my job. While I was breaking down around the deli meat, I thought I should ask for a blessing. Usually when I ask for a blessing it is something I have thought about, prayed about and waited to make sure it is something I need. Saturday morning was not in that category. I sent a quick text to Craig and asked him to give me one. He, of course, was gracious and said yes immediately. I went over to his house because I was right by it.
When I got there I couldn't stop crying. I was a blubbering mess...snot coming out, big red nose, tears, crying...it just wasn't pretty at all. He was sweet and let me tell him what was going on. One thing that he said stuck out to me was that I wasn't supposed to be everything to everybody all of the time. Why did I feel like I just had to suck it up, push my issues down and deal? Craig gets a star. The answer to that question is that I have been doing that my whole life. Stuff down the stuff that is hard and just deal and make sure everyone is okay. I feel selfish when I don't do this. Honestly, I didn't realize I was doing that until he said it like that. The blessing he gave me was wonderful. A few things that stuck out most was that Heavenly Father is happy with me and He loves me. He said that it was good that I was close with these people but I had to take care of me first and help them help themselves. Help them help themselves really stuck out to me. I have had the feeling and thought(and I have told him) to tell Landon that I think it would be very beneficial for him to see someone while he is going through this hard time. In my eyes I can see the unhealthy things that he is struggling with that he has no idea are not healthy and will ultimately push people away. I also know that there is a better way to feel while going through his hard time, not right away but after working at it. On Saturday I felt what I had to do for me was tell him I couldn't help him that day. Funny story from the end of the blessing...I was on my way to boot camp and therefore in a tank top. Craig and my first ever hug was firmer(right word?) and tighter and longer than expected. It was very sweet because he could tell I was having a hard time. The best part happened when he was pulling me in tighter and was so tight that he put his hand is my possible moist armpit....I didn't say anything out loud but I was for sure laughing in my head. Haha.
Sunday I sent Landon a text asking him how he was doing. He wrote me back 10 long texts explaining how he hadn't slept and was losing it. I wrote him an empathetic, honest and caring text about maybe seeing someone. It took me a while to write it because I wanted to make sure it wasn't rude or hurtful. All he wrote back was "really?" He hasn't said a word to me since. I have sent him some texts telling him I am still here and his friend. I feel really bad about it but relieved at the same time. Even last night I felt like that was the right thing to do. I hope it doesn't ruin our friendship for good because that would be a great loss.
Onward and upward.
When I got there I couldn't stop crying. I was a blubbering mess...snot coming out, big red nose, tears, crying...it just wasn't pretty at all. He was sweet and let me tell him what was going on. One thing that he said stuck out to me was that I wasn't supposed to be everything to everybody all of the time. Why did I feel like I just had to suck it up, push my issues down and deal? Craig gets a star. The answer to that question is that I have been doing that my whole life. Stuff down the stuff that is hard and just deal and make sure everyone is okay. I feel selfish when I don't do this. Honestly, I didn't realize I was doing that until he said it like that. The blessing he gave me was wonderful. A few things that stuck out most was that Heavenly Father is happy with me and He loves me. He said that it was good that I was close with these people but I had to take care of me first and help them help themselves. Help them help themselves really stuck out to me. I have had the feeling and thought(and I have told him) to tell Landon that I think it would be very beneficial for him to see someone while he is going through this hard time. In my eyes I can see the unhealthy things that he is struggling with that he has no idea are not healthy and will ultimately push people away. I also know that there is a better way to feel while going through his hard time, not right away but after working at it. On Saturday I felt what I had to do for me was tell him I couldn't help him that day. Funny story from the end of the blessing...I was on my way to boot camp and therefore in a tank top. Craig and my first ever hug was firmer(right word?) and tighter and longer than expected. It was very sweet because he could tell I was having a hard time. The best part happened when he was pulling me in tighter and was so tight that he put his hand is my possible moist armpit....I didn't say anything out loud but I was for sure laughing in my head. Haha.
Sunday I sent Landon a text asking him how he was doing. He wrote me back 10 long texts explaining how he hadn't slept and was losing it. I wrote him an empathetic, honest and caring text about maybe seeing someone. It took me a while to write it because I wanted to make sure it wasn't rude or hurtful. All he wrote back was "really?" He hasn't said a word to me since. I have sent him some texts telling him I am still here and his friend. I feel really bad about it but relieved at the same time. Even last night I felt like that was the right thing to do. I hope it doesn't ruin our friendship for good because that would be a great loss.
Onward and upward.
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