The one thing that I love about this blog is that I can say anything I want and not feel stupid about it. I received a priesthood blessing and in it among other things, it stated that I needed to find a new medium to express myself. I investigated it for about a week and decided that this was it. So today, I am going to again say whatever I want.
Birth control. I'm pretty sure it makes people crazy. Well, at least it makes me feel like my emotions are everywhere. And it doesn't help that they are already in a heightened state right now. I came home from church today and got down on my knees to pray to the only source that brings me true peace. It is helping.
I have a lot of thoughts so I am just going to put them on paper and maybe one day, someone will be where I am right now and it will help.
Every single day that I am with this man, I am truly happier than I ever have been. I am at peace down to my very core. I feel comfortable in ways that I never knew I could with someone. And I want to be with him more each day. At this point, I still see him about once a week. His school schedule demands his time, and time is exactly what school gets. I fully support this. If I was in his shoes, I would be doing the exact same thing. He is great about texting me each day, morning, noon and night. If he didn't do that, I would not be able to do this. He also dated and almost married a woman for 2 years and only saw her once a week. He is loyal and knowing that he can do that gives me hope. But I guess at this point, will there ever come a time where I get to see and be with him every day? I want to. I know that for him to succeed in school right now, he can't see me even close to that often. But it doesn't mean I don't want to.
Today in church I read a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 84:84, "take ye no thought of the morrow for the morrow will take care of itself." I felt the Spirit extremely strong when it was read. I needed to be reminded of that. It stresses me out that I don't know what will come of our relationship. When I allow fear to creep in, it scares me deeply that I will get my heart broken. But where is this fear coming from? Not from above and I know that logically, but sometimes it is so strong that I can't seem to bear it(hence the emotions everywhere). I know that I want to be with him and every day that passes makes me feel closer to him and only want to be with him more. When I think of us in the future or even a few months out, I feel good about it and that we'll get there. It has been just under 3 months and he doesn't seem like he is moving on anytime soon.
My freak outs. Seriously, as I was thinking about them today I realized that the only thing that changes from day to day and whether I am at peace or freaking out is me. He doesn't really change. Yes, there are ebbs and flows with our relationship but overall, it is pretty consistent and feels like a constant in my life. It is when I let my fear overcome my faith that I have a hard time. Yeah, I can say this and logically know that it is true, but how do I consistently get over the fear? I think the answer is that I have to remember that no matter what happens in this relationship with this great man, MY life will still be amazing one day, even if I have to endure another heartache. I have to remember that the Lord knows best and has always brought me something far greater than the one before. This time I am hoping that the one I am dating will also be in the Lord's will for me. He is good and he is perfect in so many ways for me. Because of these things, I will keep going and choosing faith and taking that step in the dark. It's worth it. I will just keep hoping and praying for what I want and trusting in the Lord and His will. It will all work out.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Stressed for No Reason
I need to take a chill pill some moments. Past relationships definitely make a difference in your thought process when dating someone new. The new person can be great and treat you wonderfully but you still have doubts. You don't have doubts about how you feel about them, you have doubts about them giving up and being done with you for no reason and with no warning and you're left to hurt. It's that moment when you know that you are attached enough that if it ends, you are going to be in pain. But you keep going with them because they are amazing and you love being with them and it is always better to go for something, even if it scares you. Choose faith over fear. But sometimes the freak out happens for no real reason. Welcome to my life.
We haven't had the official DTR and honestly I would say 90% of the time, it doesn't worry me at all because the pace we are going and his actions make me feel completely at ease and that we are already in a relationship where neither of us date anyone else. But then there is that 10%...and add new birth control into the mix, then add people around me asking me where we are at and if I am officially his girlfriend, and then he doesn't hold my hand at the car show(really this threw me off for a whole night...isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard?! Heaven help me.), and I have never met any of his family, all that combined makes for a girl who starts to worry at times. I have to say also that I am a word person. I need to hear the words. I would say actions are more important, but the words are pretty high up there too. And the worst part, I haven't told him any of this because I am supposed to let him bring up the DTR first...hopefully so he doesn't freak out. I agree with this statement but maybe not in every situation. I feel completely comfortable enough with him that I can ask him how he feels about PDA and why he didn't hold my hand in public on Saturday. But it is the fear that if I bring it up, he will freak out. But when I worry about that, it isn't that it is necessarily HIM that I worry about, it is my past experiences. That is the stupidest thing. I shouldn't be terrified of bringing up what I feel(logical and normal stuff) and I really feel fine doing it with him. And I think I would feel better about it if he had brought up the DTR and I knew that he wasn't going to walk away for sure. I would like to have an honest conversation with him. Don't worry, in that honest conversation, the words I love you will not be coming out of my mouth. After all, there is a level of taking it step by step and I love the speed we've been going. Yes, this is a grumbled mess, but I had to put it on paper. There are only a couple of people who know who I am and who I am writing about. So what do I do? Do I continue to wait for him to bring it up? I can do that. I have been doing that. But I would like to have a more honest conversation about us. Nothing really that serious, I honestly just want to hear that he cares for me and that he wants to continue to be with me and see where it goes. Really I don't even need more than that right now. He is a loyal person and makes time for me and that is why I feel that I know this. But I still want to hear it.
On the side note from the stress. He is just amazing! He is such a hard worker. That is always attractive to me. He gave me a blessing this weekend and I am grateful that he is worthy to do that. It was very interesting in the blessing, he said something that was said in a blessing I received a few months (or longer) ago and it is something that seems to refer to him. I don't think he has any idea of which part or that it was said exactly the same in both blessings, but it was interesting. I also really love how he finds new things for us to do. I always have a good time. And I am a sucker for just curling up to a movie at home. Being snuggled up in his arms is one of my favorite places to be. He is kind and gentle and sexy :) and makes me laugh and so many other things. I feel like that is enough for now. He is good and I am grateful he is in my life.
We haven't had the official DTR and honestly I would say 90% of the time, it doesn't worry me at all because the pace we are going and his actions make me feel completely at ease and that we are already in a relationship where neither of us date anyone else. But then there is that 10%...and add new birth control into the mix, then add people around me asking me where we are at and if I am officially his girlfriend, and then he doesn't hold my hand at the car show(really this threw me off for a whole night...isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard?! Heaven help me.), and I have never met any of his family, all that combined makes for a girl who starts to worry at times. I have to say also that I am a word person. I need to hear the words. I would say actions are more important, but the words are pretty high up there too. And the worst part, I haven't told him any of this because I am supposed to let him bring up the DTR first...hopefully so he doesn't freak out. I agree with this statement but maybe not in every situation. I feel completely comfortable enough with him that I can ask him how he feels about PDA and why he didn't hold my hand in public on Saturday. But it is the fear that if I bring it up, he will freak out. But when I worry about that, it isn't that it is necessarily HIM that I worry about, it is my past experiences. That is the stupidest thing. I shouldn't be terrified of bringing up what I feel(logical and normal stuff) and I really feel fine doing it with him. And I think I would feel better about it if he had brought up the DTR and I knew that he wasn't going to walk away for sure. I would like to have an honest conversation with him. Don't worry, in that honest conversation, the words I love you will not be coming out of my mouth. After all, there is a level of taking it step by step and I love the speed we've been going. Yes, this is a grumbled mess, but I had to put it on paper. There are only a couple of people who know who I am and who I am writing about. So what do I do? Do I continue to wait for him to bring it up? I can do that. I have been doing that. But I would like to have a more honest conversation about us. Nothing really that serious, I honestly just want to hear that he cares for me and that he wants to continue to be with me and see where it goes. Really I don't even need more than that right now. He is a loyal person and makes time for me and that is why I feel that I know this. But I still want to hear it.
On the side note from the stress. He is just amazing! He is such a hard worker. That is always attractive to me. He gave me a blessing this weekend and I am grateful that he is worthy to do that. It was very interesting in the blessing, he said something that was said in a blessing I received a few months (or longer) ago and it is something that seems to refer to him. I don't think he has any idea of which part or that it was said exactly the same in both blessings, but it was interesting. I also really love how he finds new things for us to do. I always have a good time. And I am a sucker for just curling up to a movie at home. Being snuggled up in his arms is one of my favorite places to be. He is kind and gentle and sexy :) and makes me laugh and so many other things. I feel like that is enough for now. He is good and I am grateful he is in my life.
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