Terrifying

Let's just put this out there. I have been in many similar situations as I am in today regarding being interested in someone and dating them. Never before have these situations turned out well. I am in that spot where I see all that has happened in the past and it makes me fear so much. I want to run. I want him to choose to be with me. I can't make that happen. Up ahead are a ton of unknowns. He could choose me, he could choose someone else, he could just simply choose not to be with anyone and there are even more options that I don't even know. This is the part in the gray that is the absolute hardest for me. It is the place where I know that I care enough to know that I want what I want and I really want Heavenly Father to want that too. In the past, my will and His have not met up in this area. I do want it to meet up this time finally, but what if it doesn't, again? What if it does? Fear is the bane of my existence. I have never been so ready for a counseling session. It is Monday and I am holding on with everything. I have to not let the crazy out. :) One very inspired thought came to me last night as I was in a full puddle of my own anxiety. I was upset and stressed about having to play the game perfectly, each part so it can finally work this time. I wanted to text him and tell him I have a date this weekend so really I am not waiting to keep the stupid mystery there. I was trying to figure what I can do to make him do what I want him to do, to just give us a shot. I was incredibly anxious. The thought came into my mind that it won't matter whether I play the games or not, whether I play them perfectly or not, the end result is still going to be the same because the end is God's will for my life. If it is His will that Craig and I end up together and we both choose that, then it is going to happen regardless of the games and lame mystery. But even if I play them perfectly, look gorgeous each time I see him and be perfect, if it isn't in God's will and if he and I don't choose each other, than nothing I do will change that. That brought a moment of peace. I wish I would let myself feel it longer. My sister also had some wise words. I called her after I saw him at institute last night and we joked after and talked. I told him I wasn't waiting for him, he made make out comments about Heidi to get a rise out of me(he loves this) and I left feeling more off than before. But when I got to institute I saw his car and was so relieved and excited that I would get to see him. Then he left to go on visits. I wasn't sure whether he was going to come back or not and I was really looking forward to just being in the same room as he was yesterday. Yes, yes, I do like him a lot, dang it. He was gone for about an hour and then he came walking back in. It was SO good to see him walk back in. And he came up to me after and asked how I was. We bantered and then left. It is hard to not have a plan with us going forward, like are you seriously EVER going to just ask me out?! That is SO hard in my brain and to just be where I am in the gray with this, but this is exactly where I need to grow. YUCK! But back to my sister's wise comment. She said that last night was good and I got to see him and it was frustrating. But overall, I got to see him and that is good. I was anxious and that helped me try and stop feeling everything and bring logic back into the mix. That was a true statement. I did get to see him and I was happy. It is frustrating but I can't control what he does or when he does it. I guess I just don't want to just be sitting there still waiting if/when he is moved on and decided he doesn't want to proceed with me. That has happened to me before. Hence how this all brings me and my feelings back to the terrifying place. So here I sit with a gloom and stress in my heart, in my emotion center when if I can just get the logic to stick in there, I would be better. I hope it stays for a while. I'm grateful to those who help me keep going.

Uh oh

I have been just trying to live in the moment and it has been good. I have had a few hard days but they have had great things in them as well. My issue with Matt turned into a lame bigger deal. I hope we can work it out because I appreciate him in my life as my friend.

Next, today, I really like Craig. It isn't every day that I am really interested but Sunday, Monday before the gym and today are days that I am feeling it. This terrifies me a bit. And really a few weeks ago when I was still trying to figure out how attracted I am to him I prayed that Heavenly would have to help me with that if he wanted it to happen. Well, let's just say, I have no issues with my attraction to him. It is safe to say I could jump his bones. :) That has been a constant for over a week now. But this all scares me. I can't control what Craig is going to do. It is his choice to make. More importantly, I am at the point where I really want something to happen between us. But I have to have hope and faith in Heavenly Father's plan first and always. This is the most important thing. That is what I am working on today and probably every day.

Semi-fake date...a good idea?...yep!

I am just going to document my ridiculous dating(if we're being technical here, dating isn't even the right term) life so I can look back at it and laugh, cry and curse men...or maybe all 3! :) The one word that describes all of this: ridiculous.

Let's begin on Friday. I know that telling lies is bad, but this time, it may have actually helped me. While it wasn't a full blown lie, it for sure wasn't true as true is. I was invited to go camping with Craig and friends on Friday night. By 10am I knew that there was no way I was leaving before 8 or 9 that night. I still did want the option to go but still wasn't sure if after 13.5 hours I was going to be up to driving up the canyon and finding them, let alone the fact that I still needed to go to the gym. But I didn't want to use a lame excuse like working, even if it was true. So I have 2 clients and I really love them. One is a man and one is a woman and neither one had a date to their dinner that night. So while telling my clients about an idea and they said that they would be my date. :) So while I could have easily sent Heidi a text telling her I had plans, I decided to go for the wiser idea and post it on the event page on FB! Yes, I sure did. I said I had a date but would try and get up there if it didn't go as late. Don't judge me because you know you would do the same thing!...and if not, good job for being a better person. What I know is that Craig sees just about everything I post on Facebook AND he was already on this event page so he would have had the notification. Yep, and he saw it and apparently, it worked like a charm. :) Let me insert here that games in dating are LAME...but sometimes necessary. So back to the story. I didn't go that night and I felt great about it. Let him sit up there maybe thinking I may come or I may not...:) I went to the gym after I got off after dinner and then I went home and watched Modern Family. It was a lovely night. And I hope that Craig was thinking about me on a date. But before we leave Friday, around 4pm, Craig sent me a text about boot camp the next morning. We have talked about it for a long time and I knew this was the week he could come but I was not going to text him first. He said he was coming. My favorite comment came from Paige, "Hmmm...that's interesting...just kick his trash:-)" So it was decided that I would not hold back and let him feel like a man, I was going to kick his trash. :)So on to Saturday...

I did kick his trash. :) I will say that this boot camp was REALLY rough and hard for me. He held his own well. Things that I noticed while doing boot camp: I went to wipe all of the sweat off of my face with the bottom of my shirt, he stared at my stomach(which never sees the light of any day so it could have been blinding...) and he joked with me by playfully hitting me...you know he just wanted to touch me. :)After we were done and most everyone had started walking back up, Amy, Kelli, Matt, Craig and I were left just talking. I introduced Craig to Matt. The first thing that comes out of Craig's mouth was, "so you're the one who called me a dumbass?" I can't even begin to explain the awkwardness that just hung there for a minute. I was caught off guard. Matt wasn't expecting it either and looked confused. I told Matt that he called him a Lame ass a couple months ago and Matt said, "yep, that sounds like something I would say." I changed the subject REALLY fast and we all started walking up to our cars. Then after we all left, I started to get annoyed. I get men do that, but really?! Anyway, so after Craig sends me a text asking if I had caught up on Burn Notice(we both love that show)and I said I hadn't. So I went home and showered quick and headed over to his house. His roommate was there and a girl in our ward who was just passing by while running and they with Craig were all outside. We all chatted about a new pizza place that just opened up. Craig and I went inside. One thing about what we were watching is that I hadn't seen the second episode and he had, but he still watched the second one with me. By the time the third one was ending we had inched ourselves closer on the couch and our knees were touching(big deal!!...not...but it was progress). After we were done he wanted to touch me so he grabbed my knee while trying to prove a point. I just think he wants to touch me(sounds dirty, I don't mean it that way. I just mean it when you want to be touching someone else and closer to them). So I left and did not expect to hear anything. On the way home my sister called me while I was waiting for a pizza at that new place. I told her all that had happened so far and she said that I didn't sound excited about it and it was really good. I told her I was trying to play it down inside preparing for his next freakout. I will go more into this at the end. Around 7 I get a text from him asked about how that pizza place was. I told him and then he said they were going to go but ended up somewhere else. So then I thought that was the end of it. I was at a BBQ with friends and then I was going to see Matt's playoff game. Around 9 Craig sends me a text and asks me what I was up to. I told him and asked him what he was doing. He said they were playing Pickle ball(SO FUN!!)and needed more people. I told him the game was ending and ended up asking where they were. I figured it was the same old people we are always with. One thing too was that he was REALLY good about wanting to get me there and asking if I was coming and being prompt on his responses. Seriously, I need to go on more fake dates....actually I would take real ones too. :) I arrived at the house and it was a whole bunch of people I didn't know. Craig was going to take off because he was literally falling asleep while we were all standing there. He only got 3-4 hours of sleep camping the night before. So I sent him a thank you text after for inviting me.

Sunday. I saw him in church...and I made sure I looked good. We didn't talk during our ward but I sent him a text about 10 minutes before the broadcast(I fought with myself whether to send it or not) telling him that I imagined he was hungry(He had been at church since 9am) and if he wanted snacks I was on such and such row. Craig has told me that he is weird about people seeing us and talking. It is ridiculous. He is worried about his calling and gossip and whatever else. It's lame but to a point, I get it. Landon was already on the pew with me to my left. Craig plops down next to me and said the food got him there. I told him people might see. He said he had already thought about that and worried about it. I told him he was ridiculous. (new favorite word) Then through the whole broadcast I wanted to just be near him or touch his arm or something. And I was attracted to him so much. That scared me and was good all at the same time. I touched his arm when I asked him something and it just seemed like there was chemistry there between us. After it got over we were walking out and I asked him when he came back from Nashville and he told me. I told him he won't see me for 3 weeks. He said that was sad for me. I repeated what he said and he said, yes, it will be sad for you. I told him it was going to be sad for him because I would be stuck in his head. He said, "while on my vacation?" I told him yes. He said, "you keep thinking that." I told him it was going to happen. And really, I think it will.

That is where we stand as of this moment. Last night, I cared more for him and I kept trying to pull myself out of it. I have been praying a lot to just be in the moment and not stress about the future and not obsess about the past. So as I was thinking about all of that this morning, I decided that today, I am going to like Craig, a lot. Tomorrow I may not but tomorrow will bring what it does. Even if I try and tell myself that I am not interested or care for him right now, I know how I really feel. He doesn't need to necessarily know that although I know he can probably tell. But if it doesn't happen between us or if he chooses someone else, then I will hurt over it regardless if I tell myself today we are only friends. But regardless of my feelings, I am going to try and still go out and date. Tonight I am going to FHE and I am going to try and work it. Hard, yes, but I need to keep moving. I am scared to get hurt but if it happens, than I guess that is what is going to happen. I hate that, but I can't control this situation or if Craig is going to hurt me. So here's to trusting in Heavenly Father and HIS plan, whatever it is. I really mean that. I want to not be mad at Him if it doesn't work out the way I want with Craig. I want to just trust in Him unlike with Ian. Yes, I want to be with Craig, but I want what He wants more. I say it and I mean it, I just need to keep meaning it.

Thoughts

Last night as I sat through a Temple session, I had some things come together for me. It is possible that Craig coming back in my heart and life right now with this timing was perfect. I got to the point where I liked him enough to not be tempted or wanting to kiss Matt while we were in Houston because I saw enough potential there with Craig. Matt started dating a BEAUTIFUL girl the week before we left. Are these both coincidences? I don't think so. I think it is how it is supposed to be. So it may be that Craig was just that person to keep me from not falling hard for Matt, or he could be more. Time will tell. I did see Craig last night after my session was over walking out of the Temple and my heart was happy to see him. He missed game 7 of the NBA Finals to be in the Temple. That is attractive. He recorded it, but still chose to come to the Temple instead. Very attractive. He may be coming to boot camp tomorrow...this could be a make it or break it for me so we'll see what happens. That isn't even taking into account him and his feelings. Good stories to come.

Don't you just love family

I really love my brother more than I can say but there was a moment when he called me Tuesday night that I may not have liked him very much. He just fell in love with this girl and he said, "Won't it be so depressing if I get married before you?" Ouch. I didn't even have words. Craig was still fresh and a surprise to me, was hurting that night. So don't you just love family?! Well I really do. I called my sister after the phone call and ended up leaving a ridiculous crying message on her machine. She was great and called me back. She has been great to never, ever bring up the fact that I am still not married. I know she would change it in a second if she could. But she can't and that is okay. I am just glad she doesn't rub it in my face. Hence why she was the perfect person to call after the comment from my brother on that.

After Craig's comments on Monday night, I made it a point to pull back but not put up my "f off" sign. He knows the sign well. So Tuesday after getting help from 2 close friends, it was decided that I would go to softball and not avoid it or him and be his friend. I wanted to have the opportunity to talk with him without the sign up. Nothing long(because we all know I wouldn't have made it longer than 30 seconds without the sign flying up!)but a quick hey, how are you thing. The funniest part was when Tonya yelled out TWICE, "Colleen has a date"...I am of course hoping he heard that, but who knows. The second time I put my hand over her mouth. :) But so he came up the stairs and I seriously prayed hard that I could not have the sign up and I think we said maybe 3-4 sentences and then I had to go. It was good to not let it be awkward. This part of the gray is the hardest. I want to just cut him out of my life because that is what I do in these situations. But being his friend is going to be a great thing for me(or at least that is what Paige says, she gave a good reason and so did Katie). Katie and Paige both think that giving it some time is what needs to happen regardless of what happens in the end. They won't let me be ridiculous or let someone take advantage of me. I can say the same for Kristen as well. I love how angry she gets when we talk about Craig because it makes me feel like she cares. As for me, you know I want to tell him to suck it. :)

My goal is to just live in each day as it comes. If it ends up Craig and I going separate ways, well then that is how it is supposed to be. Today, that would suck, but maybe tomorrow it won't. Living in the moment is great for not stressing my normal amount. Especially because I can't control if he chooses to be with another woman. It's not in my control. I don't love that always, but I am grateful for it every day. So let's see what happens.

I really hate dating

Craig. This kid is going to drive me nuts. What is it with 30 year old Mormon men with such HUGE commitment issues!?!?!? Seriously people, it is beyond irritating. Is he interested in me? Yes. Has he told me this? Yes. But he is only 50/50 on whether he is going to ask me out. WHAT?! I really was good and calm and understanding about it last night but today I am annoyed. He said he has been honest about where he was at this whole time. I will call BS on that one. He goes back and forth and while he says he may not ask me out, why are all of your actions and most of your words telling me that you want to be with me?! It doesn't make sense. And if you're still debating it, keep your mouth shut about it until you decide. I was fine NOT being interested in him until the last few weeks him bringing up how he debated asking me out because he was interested in me but is hesitant about asking me out because we are in the same social circles, same ward and his calling, and because we are already good friends and it would change the relationship. Then talking about us making out and him being jealous of Matt and SO MUCH MORE! Well let me tell you(and I told him) that my interest level changes A LOT and I freak myself out. But the thing that kills me is that why wouldn't you just try??? Seriously. That is where my hang-up lies. Even with my issues with him, that one thing of at least trying because of how comfortable we are together and how much fun we have together and our goals are in line, why wouldn't you at least give it a shot?! I hate dating.

Houston

I had such a great trip to Houston last weekend. I wanted to make sure and get it all down so that I don't forget the great time I had.

I picked up Matt Thursday morning and it was already perfectly comfortable and fun and that lasted the entire trip. We flew into Houston and checked in. The great part about the flight was that we didn't lack for things to talk about and when it was quiet, it was comfortable. We then went with one of my favorite people and her adorable boys to dinner. Matt was absolutely adorable and sweet with her boys. Then we went to the bar for the wedding party. I was stuck around chimneys the whole time but besides that, it was fun. We just talked with his friends and listened to the band. Then we went back to the hotel for the night.

Friday we woke up and went to the gym which was freaking awesome! Seriously, the gym was amazing. We both loved it and wanted to bring it back with us. After we had a good, long, hard workout, we went to this cute little diner for lunch. I had pancakes, bacon and sauces with eggs and cheese. :) Needless to say, it was a success. :) Then we went back and got in our suits and went to the pool. It was HOT!...and yes, very sweaty! But we just hung out in the pool. Then we went back and he had to start getting ready for the wedding and Becca was coming over to go to dinner. I fell asleep. Matt ended up tying his tie in this cool knot...eternity knot? It was sweet but he had to practice to get it right and I helped. Then Becca got there and we drove him to the wedding. Then Becca and I went and got dinner. I had the best queso and ate the whole bowl. :) And of course, ice cream had to happen. Matt was a horrible influence of good, clean eating. He was the one who told me to get the pancakes earlier. But it was great to have real conversation about everything with Becca and catch up on each other's lives. Love this woman so much. She is amazing. Then I went and picked up Matt from the wedding.

Saturday we woke up later and went to the gym around noon. We had a good workout and then decided that we needed food. So we both went back and got ready and went to dinner at this Mexican restaurant. It was good, but not great. Then we went to an Astros game and it was awesome. We then went to Denny's and had a hot fudge sundae.

Sunday, we woke up and he went to the airport and I went with Becca to meet up with some girls before church. It was so fun! Then we went to church and then I headed to the airport. I ate divine food there too! Craig picked me up that night.

One thing that sticks out so much that I kept thinking the whole time was how comfortable it was. I really didn't care what I ate. I didn't put on makeup until later in the day. I wasn't worried about making conversation or impressing him. It was just good to be there with a good friend. And it didn't hurt that he is attractive. But the nice thing was that I wasn't thinking about making out with him or anything happening, it was just safe. It was a great vacation.

It shouldn't hurt

Last night while at a softball game, I saw a picture of Ian and Taylynn. It was their engagement photo. My first thought was "anyone but her," my next thought was, "eww, he looks bad but I bet he thinks he looks good." He seriously tried to buff up and before when he did that it looked good because he slimmed down. Now he looks like the Hulk except not good...at all. He lost his neck somewhere along the way. But even with that, I started to cry. Not because I want to be with him or that I wanted to marry him, it's that he chose her over me. All of those dark and bad feelings from last year came flooding back in an instant. Those feelings that made me feel that she was better than me because he chose her over me. I am very grateful to Matt who 8 months ago one day said to me, "you always talk like she is better than you. She's not. She's not at all better than you. He didn't get the better girl." And with my close friends who I have told about his engagement have all had the same message, "you deserve better." While I can hear that and I believe all of my friends, my feelings are taking longer to agree. Why do we let these unhealthy feelings come in? The whole time during boot camp last night I was doing my very best to breathe because I couldn't stop crying. But I had to keep saying over and over and over and over in my head that I was okay and that I didn't want him and that she is NOT better than me and that I love myself. Seriously, for 45 straight minutes, I kept trying to think that. One thing I agree with Paige is that he isn't worth my time to even think about, let alone cry about. But it is more those unhealthy feelings and less him. But either way, I would like to move one from both. Last night in my prayers, I was at a point where I have never been. In my heart I was okay with whatever happened and that I don't know the best way, He does and if that is those two getting married, well then, that sucks in my book but His book is far more important. So in a sense, I have found some peace with the overall plan. It does suck being here alone. When I was talking to Matt last night I told him that I just picture Ian becoming a great man and putting her first and being who he wasn't to me. Logically I don't think he has changed and that was never even close to enough for me, but those bad feelings creep in. Especially because he is now graduated and is getting married in the Temple. He is living my dream with someone else. And that's what it is. It's my dream, he isn't my dream. But it still doesn't feel fair, even if it is the best and in the Lord's will. So all in all, that really sucked big time. There is a principle of compensation that I believe in and today I am trying harder than ever to hold on to believing that. It means that as crappy and as horrible as this whole situation has been, it will be made a hundred fold better than I could imagine. It won't be today. I just really hope it is soon. Who knows, I wouldn't mind seeing Ian in 15 years when I am still looking hot, happy and hopefully married to an amazing man who is good and Ian will be divorced because he was a douche to his wife and his kids and probably not active because of his love of drinking and wanting to be one of the crowd will catch up to him and all of his money. Maybe he will be a better man. Either way, I don't want to care. I just want to find the person who makes me forget he even existed.

While this makes life sound really hard, this has only been the last 15 hours. I have been so happy the last few months and I am so grateful for that. There are things that aren't necessarily settled yet with Craig yet and so we'll see what happens. I am going to Houston next week with Matt. Until last night I was really letting myself be more interested in Matt. But something changed in me a little when I saw that picture. It made me want the Temple and the full life I want more. I can't even begin to tell you how bad I want Matt to choose the gospel for himself because I will never go in trying to change him, but if he doesn't, I still really want the Temple more. It seemed to have put up my wall keeping us better friends there. Matt is just that, one of the greatest friends I have had and such a tender mercy to me over the last year. He is priceless. He has helped me learn how to trust a man and in him specifically. He treats me like I am very worth it. We have issues and we settle them and I don't think he is going to leave. I couldn't be more grateful to him. He is a very good man and I am grateful that I get to spend time with him.

I am grateful for the ups I have been having. Life hasn't been perfect and I don't have my dream yet, but I have felt so good. Last night made me even more grateful for the good times I have been having. This will all pass soon, but until then I will just keep trying to continually choose to have faith in a really good future for me. It will not al all be easy, but it is exactly what needs to happen. Peace out lame ass Ian.