Hot Teeth

Reasons why I think “Hot Teeth” is just grand…

1. When we are cuddling, he will kiss me softly on my forehead, cheek, back of my neck, and other places. We can be watching football or a movie or just sitting there not doing anything but it warms my heart EVERY SINGLE TIME.
2. His testimony. On our first date, he told me a story that I would expect to hear from a friend that I have known for a long time. It was inappropriate and something that normally wouldn’t faze me but on a first date and when I had just dated the EQP that hasn’t said or done anything inappropriate in his life, it was kind of a shock. Then he also told me some other stuff that had me questioning why he had a Temple recommend. I even asked him in the middle of a crazy Friday night at the bowling alley why he is active. (Yep, I wanted him to bear his testimony to me in the middle of the most ghetto bowling alley on a first date…bless my heart.) He gave me a good answer but I was still very unsure where his testimony was. And for me, I need someone who isn’t messing around with it. I want someone with a reason he stays close to the Lord. I want someone who goes to church because he wants to be there for the Lord and not for the girls. What I have learned through the time I have known him is that he is exactly what I am looking for in that sense. He has a very strong testimony that is all his own. That is one of the most attractive things about him.
3. Christmas Present. He loves giving gifts so I assumed that he would be getting me one for Christmas. I told him about a week before that I had found him a great gift that I was excited to give him. I told him he didn’t need to get me anything. When we went out the week of Christmas, we went to Sherlock Holmes. (Cuddled all the way through and loved it.) When he was driving me home, he asked me if I was going to make him be patient and wait to open his present until Christmas. I told him I didn’t have enough patience for that. (He loves trying to teach me patience!) I told him that I wanted to see him open it. He pulled out a beautifully wrapped gift from behind my seat and told me that he was going to make me wait. Then he said he couldn’t because he wanted to see how I liked it. I told him how my sweet assistant was going to have a chat with him if he didn’t get me anything. He laughed and told me that he had one of my presents before I even told him that I got him anything. He got me something I loved and I got something he loved. I loved the kiss after he opened his. It was sweet.
4. Park City kissing on a ledge. We went to a Christmas party of one of my friends. We all sat around the table and laughed. He joined in too without being awkward at all. And if he would’ve been awkward, I would have just laughed because we both love awkward moments. At the end of the party we were all going to light lanterns off (Tangled). We all set off outside and he and I were both wearing leather flats. I went about 10 feet and there was this ledge that I jumped on. Everyone else kept going and we just stood on the ledge being wrapped up all warm in each other and kissing and laughing and looking at the stars. It was one of those great moments and the best part, it wasn’t planned.
5. Song of the Day. He LOVES music and for the last month or so, most every day he sends me a “song of the day” and I love it.
6. Texts, morning and night and everything in between. He texts me in the morning to say good morning, he texts me before he goes to bed, and he texts me throughout the day. This is what keeps me sane and not needing a DTR. I love it more than I can explain.
7. Quality time. When he is with me, he is actually with me and focusing on me. I see him about 2-4 times a week. I could definitely see him more but he and I are both very busy. And I think we are still in the whole taking it slow and steady phase. I appreciate that. And while we don’t make out every time I see him, we do most of the time. I LOVE this. His highest love language is physical and so is mine. I love being close to him. And I love how he grabs my butt.  We also do a lot of different things when we are together…we go shopping at Nordstrom, go bowling, he took me to Color Me Mine, football games, out for froyo, festival of trees, taught me how to snowboard...we usually finish the night with a movie but it works just fine for me. 
8. MoTab Christmas Concert…holding hands in public. We got to the Mormon Tabernacle’s Christmas Concert about an hour early. We are very comfortable together and so we just sat and chatted it up. This was the first time he held my hand in public. According to my best friend, that is a big deal. He did it during the concert and while we were walking back to the car. Yep, I loved it. 
9. He took me to his school buddies Christmas party. There were about 8 married couples and us. I have never felt so comfortable in my life. Being there with him felt right. I laughed so hard and enjoyed every minute. We went to my holiday party later that night and he wore a suit and WOW did he look good. That night he had his arm around me and we were just those irritating people you see who you can tell really like each other. 
10. He is in Pharmacy School and he had a HUGE exam that was stressing everyone out. He literally studied for a whole week from 7am to 1 or 2am every day. He would still text me. But what I loved most is that he would tell me how stressed he was about it. He told me that he needed a miracle to pass it. I was able to show him a different side of my personality that I never show to guys. I literally prayed for him to pass every single day at least in the morning. He did pass with 93%.

I don’t know what will happen between us in the future. All I know is right now, I am beyond twitter pated. He doesn’t know that I feel this much for him but regardless of what happens, one day he will. It all has to come in the Lord’s timing and way. I mean those words. The will of Heavenly Father is and will always be better than mine. I have had so many good and really hard experiences to show that to me. That is the only reason I can say that and mean it. I want to be with “Hot Teeth” but I will choose the Lord first and let everything else fall into place or fall out of my life. It has to be this way. It has been be right in Heavenly Father’s eyes. Thanks for reading!

Patience is Worth It

I feel like today is a learning moment for me. I remember a while back struggling to believe that I would be married and that it would work out. The thought came to me(and keeps coming to me since then) "believe" and at that time, I chose to believe. I felt more peace and hope about it and it made a difference. I can't really describe how exactly it did, it just did. I knew it was because I chose faith over fear. Today, I feel like I have a great reason to fear, but once again it is my choice and I want to and I am determined to choose faith, hope and to believe in love.

Worth Waiting?

"Hot Teeth" is in Pharmacy school and is finishing his 2nd year. In June, he will start rotations. Right now he has 10 days and then he tests on the material. In order for him to stay in the program, he has to get a 90% or higher each test. Wow. They clearly don't mess around.

We are still going and every time I am with him or as the days go by, I realize that he is even better and I care for him more. It still scares me but I am still going forward. Why wouldn't I got forward? I will always choose no regrets. It is how I have to live.

We still have yet to have our "DTR" talk and that is okay. He texts me good morning, texts through the day and says goodnight. I can't even begin to explain how much I love this. It makes me not freak out. But right now he is going into a seriously BUSY schedule. It is demanding. And it is/should be his number one priority. He has a test, and it is bigger than the most, on Monday. That means I won't see him until Tuesday and that is if he passes. He is more business like and focused today. All of these things should make me freak out more, but I feel calm.

Tonight I dropped off some sugar and caffeine to him to get him through studying tonight. While it was good to see him, I wanted to spend all night with him. So the question is; is he worth waiting for? And I don't mean in the sense of me waiting by the phone for him to call. I am talking about being patient with his schedule and being able to realize that he has made time for me whenever he can. Tuesday is the first day between now and then that he is available. Well, the answer is yes. He is worth being patient for. And that says a lot.

Falling

I have so much in my head right now that I am going to piece through it.

First, "Hot Teeth" is amazing. Every single time I am with him, no matter how many walls I try to keep up to protect myself, I care about him more. That scares me. It wasn't that long ago that I felt the pain that comes from having someone move on. I remember how bad it sucks and I really don't want to feel that. I understand that is a part of dating but it makes me want to pull away so the pain won't be as bad because let's face it, every other time I have done this, thus far, it has ended. But no matter how hard I try to keep myself at a good pace with him, I feel myself falling for him more each time I see him.

He is so good to me. It would take forever for me to tell you all of the good things he does. I feel cared about, protected, sincerely interested in, understood, and the ability to be exactly who I am. Even the crasser side of me that no one really sees. I trust him and that again scares me. Every step that I keep going forward with him makes me realize that if this does end, no matter how many walls I have tried to put up, they will be crap and I will be hurt.

While I know I would be hurt, I still keep going and let this go further. While it scares me and my closest friends need to calm me down and remind me that it is okay, I choose to go forward. I have never been the type of person to let something go because it scares me. I have to do it. I have to give it my all or I will have regrets. It is how I live my life. And this situation now is no different. I will keep going forward until/if he ever puts on the brakes. I choose faith. I choose faith in the Lord and know that even if this goes in the crapper, that I will one day be better off because of it.

When "Saved by the Bell" and I ended things, I seriously thought that he and I were so great together and I could not understand how he couldn't see it. One of my closest friends that knows everything about me told me that for the first time, she didn't think he would come back. It wasn't because he wouldn't want to, but because she felt that there was someone so much better out there for me. She had never said or felt this way on any of my other relationships. She was right. "Hot Teeth" is better for me. While I have been with him on a few occasions I have thought to myself that we fit better than ever before and I am shocked that two people can match up so well. So that is where my faith comes in this. While I think that "Hot Teeth" is better for me than anyone else before him, if it ends, there will be someone better because Heavenly Father has proved me wrong before.

This is how I can go forward with faith and not run the other way even though I care for him more each day. So yes this freaks me out because I care about him and I don't want to get hurt. But why wouldn't I live this to the fullest because who knows, if he doesn't freak out and bail, he could be it for me. And that in the end is worth the pain and heartache.

Grateful

I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for my blessings. I am grateful for all of the hard lessons I have learned. I am thankful that I can stay close to the Lord and hear His revelation. Let me explain some whys.

When I was dating :"Saved by the Bell" I felt that I needed him to see how amazing I was and quickly. I didn't realize that I was trying to impress him more than just letting it roll naturally. I was so happy but I didn't understand why he couldn't see that I was amazing for him when we broke up and after. He treated me like gold for two weeks and I felt like gold. While I was comfortable, I cared too much. I know that sounds weird but I can't explain it any other way.

With "Hot Teeth" it is so different. I feel like there is a wall that is only letting some of me go at a time. I don't want to show him how amazing I am yet because I don't want it to freak him out. But he himself is amazing and has his life together so maybe it won't be as intimidating. It isn't that I don't want to show him that, it just feels good at this slower pace. I know that he likes to date people for a year before he thinks about marrying them. I like that. I don't feel like I have to hurry up and show him how amazing I am so he can hurry up and marry me. It is patient. It is "line up line". It is perfect. And the other part that had me worried last week about going too far with him according to LDS standards is amazing.

In me there is a strong determination to not go too far. When I think about losing the opportunity to be as close to the Lord as I have been for a few nights of "fun" is completely out of the question because it is not worth it. My relationship with Heavenly Father is deeper than it is with anyone else and that is why it means more. I am not messing with that. Every time we kiss/make-out, I feel a definite line and the power not to cross it. If you could see inside me and feel what I am feeling, you would know how amazing this is. But I know that I have to be aware and cautious at the same time because I know how strong temptation is and when you let your guard down is when things happen. I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful that I have learned from my mistakes...or at least I am still trying.

I am grateful for "Hot Teeth" and the pace it is going. I am grateful that I am so happy. I am grateful that I can still go to the Temple with my sister this week without feeling bad. As long as I stay close to the Lord, I will know what needs to happen in my life. It is the only way I want my life to be. I am grateful that I know that and strive to live that.

Hmmm...

This week has been lovely and crazy all at the same time. I was set up on a date by my sweet assistant. Monday started out with him texting me....and that continued all day, every day this week until(and after) our date on Friday night. I laughed so hard at some of his texts. He is a funny man and I appreciate that because I LOVE to laugh...hard! But I don't really want to go into the details of what happened on the date on Friday or seeing him again on Saturday night.

While on the date, I learned that this man, we'll call him "Hot Teeth" :) , has a past of drinking and with going too far with girls according to LDS Church standards. He got his Temple recommend back 3 months ago. Let me also make it clear that he is a great guy. He is smart, handsome, ambitious, funny, loves college football and has other great qualities. But his testimony as far as I have heard and seen is not as deep as mine.

Two and a half years ago, I lost my Temple recommend for 3 months because of the choices I made with a guy I was dating. While I still read my scriptures and prayed every single day, it was the darkest time in my life. I felt empty and confused and rarely at peace. I never, ever want to go back to that. I never want to feel the way I did. I put in some hard work on my testimony every single day since and it has grown much deeper.

When "Hot Teeth" told me of his past, I got scared that I would lose my covenants with him, because let's be honest, he is delicious in all forms. But I was seriously terrified I would fall. I thought about it and honestly, I would never intentionally do anything to take me away or further away from Heavenly Father. I choose Him over everyone else. I prayed so hard that He would help me to not fall. I thought about other things as well. If I am stuck up about it, than I am denying that the Atonement works for everyone. And I know that the Atonement is given to all to repent and has all power to change anyone.

So I guess the moral of the story is, we'll see. But I know I will not do anything to jeopardize my current relationship with Heavenly Father....no matter how delicious "Hot Teeth" is.

Led

I feel like I am being led down the path I should be on. One of my close friends told me that when she was going through a hard time and things seemed dark, she said she would have deja vu and that was how she knew she was supposed to be there. I agree and I have had that happen.

I am all for looking forward in life. But I do think that glancing back is also important. I can look back at so many good choices and bad choices and see the Lord's hand in my life. He really was and is there every step of the way. He was there when I didn't invite Him into my life. He was there when I was confused and didn't know what to choose. He was there when I wasn't sure if I wanted to choose Him or my weakness. He was there and is there when I am stubborn and won't let Him help me. He is and will always be there for me. All I have to do is ask Him to help.

I am grateful for the good decisions I have made in my life that have miraculously got me where I am today. I am also grateful that the not so great choices I have made helped me learn where I really want to be. I can honestly say that when you go through a trial with the Lord, there is hope and peace with the pain and hard times. When you go through a hard time without the help of the Savior, it is even more unbearable and hopeless than you can even imagine. I have done both and I never want to do it again without His help.

Even though I don't understand exactly what is happening next in my life or when things will happen, I know it is okay. Heavenly Father knows exactly where I am and where He wants me to go and who He wants me to be. When I sincerely give my will to Him, there is more peace in my life. And that makes me know that I am being led by His hand.

Happiness

Today in church we had Fast and Testimony meeting. It is a meeting where anyone can get up and bear their own testimony of Christ, His Church, modern-day prophets, anything church related really...and sometimes people bear their testimonies about things that don't relate at all. Those are worth listening to because they are usually pretty funny. Yes, I am horrible sometimes. But today a wonderful girl in my ward got up and said something that stuck out to me.

She said that we all are looking for happiness and why was she so happy. We all go around saying, "I will be happy when I get this job" or "I will be happy when I buy this house" or things like that. But then she said something I loved. She said, "For me, happiness is when I apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ." Brilliant. Because isn't that the truth? The Atonement covers everything. It encompasses hope, joy, peace, humility, meekness, love, patience, goodness and kindness. Those are just a few. To me I summed it up in my head to mean that happiness is the ride of life instead of just merely the destination. Loving my family and close friends really does bring me happiness. Having hope given by the Atonement that I will marry a wonderful man one day and have children brings me pure happiness. When I am actually patient enough to wait for something completely worth it and then I get it because I waited brings me happiness. Being kind to someone who is hurting or feels ashamed brings me happiness to help them. Of course the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the answer to happiness. How did I not see that before?

I have thought about happiness SO MUCH in the last year. I feel so ungrateful for not being happier. I have a great life right now. Why am I not happier? When she made her comment about happiness, I realized that I am happy right now.

A man at work always tells me that I have a smile on my face every time he sees me and that I always reply that I am good. It's mostly true. One of my blessings and curses is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am real with my feelings whatever they may be. That is why when my heart is hurting, I don't feel like I am happy.

I am blessed with amazing things that do bring my heart happiness every single day. But where I feel bad about that is I want more, so much more. I know what it feels like to be loved deeply. I want that from a husband. I know that marriage comes with a lot of troubles and that it is anything but easy. However, I know that I will be happier then than I have ever been in my life. I know this. So it isn't that I am not happy now, because I really am, it is just that I will be disgustingly happy when I am sealed to the man of my dreams and when I have babies. There will be problems, but I will love deeper then than I have ever loved before and because of that I will feel more joy than ever before. Now I also know that means that I will feel deeper sorrow. It is how life goes. But through each of these experiences, I will learn and grow.

I feel that I am learning and growing a lot right now into the person the Lord wants me to be. There are so many times that I wish my heart cared less for people because than it wouldn't hurt as much. I don't know what I am learning from my heart hurting. But I believe even though I can't see it, there is still a reason.

True, lasting happiness is applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ and allowing it to have a place in your life and more importantly, in your heart.

Thinking

I've been thinking today about some things. I talked with one of my best friends on the phone and gave advice about his situation. It got me thinking. It isn't that "Saved by the Bell" is the perfect guy for me(He isn't) and that is why I am still hung up on him a little; it is simply because he was the last guy I dated worth mentioning. Yes, at the beginning, I missed him. But now that my head is fine with not being with him and only my heart wants to be with him when I see him, than I think it is that I haven't come across anything better for me. The person that was outdoing "Saved by the Bell" was "Wisconsin" and that is the person that my roommate started chasing. So in all truth, it isn't so much that I miss "Saved by the Bell", it is that I want to be with someone and he is the last person that I had deeper feelings for. That may sound harsh but it is true. While he truly is amazing, he simply isn't exactly what I picture my other half as being.

I want someone amazing. I frequently settle for going to be amazing, one day. I want an equal partner that will let me grow and not be jealous or irritated with my drive. I have to have someone who will be able to handle my feisty ways(at times). I want someone to sincerely love me for me. I don't want to hope for someone who has everything figured out now and has it together now because I don't know if that man exists, or if he will be interested in me. So that is why I choose to be interested in younger men who will one day be amazing and do amazing things with their lives because of who they are. Then those younger men freak out because I know who I am and what I want out of life. I do have it together for the most part and I would love someone to mirror that.

"Waiting patiently on the Lord..."(Doctrine and Covenants 98:2) I will do this, because I believe He who knows all things, will answer my prayers perfectly in His way and in His perfect time.

Emotions and the Blessing of Friends

Feelings and emotions are sometimes(let's be honest here, a lot of the time) hard to deal with. I consider myself to be logical. I really am. But then my heart gets involved and even though I can logically think about things, I can't seem to let go of what my heart wants. Then comes the conflict inside my soul.

For instance, logically in my head, moving on from "Saved by the Bell" is completely fine with me, however my heart sees him and it is right back on the "Saved by the Bell" train. Heaven help me just let it all go.

Then there is this whole roommate thing that is hard for me. I sincerely feel betrayed. It isn't about the guy or being jealous. It is about the friendship and the shattering of that bond of trust that has been built up for 5 years. Some may say, "why let something like this break up your friendship?" I think that everyone makes their choices but what they forget is that they can't choose their consequences. I want to let things go back to normal but then I feel like that says to her, "please do this anytime" and that it is okay. I don't believe that what she did is fine. I think it sucks. However I don't want to bring a split into our house. I wish it wouldn't have happened. But it did and so I have to deal with it. I don't like contention. I sincerely try to live so that I can kneel down at night and pray and feel that I did what my Heavenly Father would have wanted me to do, even if it is hard. So for now all I can say is that I need time.

On the flip side of this there are those friends who love you no matter what and will always be true to you. They see you in every single light and situation. After all of that, they still think you are amazing and love you. What a miracle that is. For me, that is what keeps me going through my life. It builds up my self-worth. I know that they are behind me and will love me through bad choices, happiness, pain and suffering, joy and the best times in my life. There are a choice few of my friends that I know will always be there. For a girl with abandonment issues, that is one of my biggest blessings. They earned every ounce of every bit of my trust and even better, my unconditional love forever. I believe that certain people are in your life for a reason and these people are Heavenly Father's blessings to me. No matter how ugly it gets and how raw my heart is, they are there.

While I haven't figured everything out yet, I will keep trusting in Heavenly Father to do His will in my life.

29 Years Later

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that God is my father, Jesus Christ is my Savior and brother and I believe in the Holy Ghost. I believe that I receive personal revelation from God through the Holy Ghost for things that pertain to me personally. The way that I understand revelation from God is through thoughts that come to my mind. Obviously not all of them, but pure knowledge that I would've never thought up myself. I also feel it in my heart when something is right. The best way I can describe it is that it kind of feels like when someone is tickling your back or playing with your hair. I believe in this with my whole heart, mind and soul.

This brings me to what I am going to say next. Tonight I had a thought come into my head that had never occurred to me before. But before I tell you that, let me tell you first about my wonderful mom.

She is the oldest of 4 children. Her mom had epilepsy all growing up and she took care of her mom every single day. My grandpa was under a lot of stress and he would hit my mom often. It would be over something as small as homework. Then when she was 18 years-old, she was dating a man. She was not a member of the LDS Church and therefore lived without those standards. They were intimate. She was at a party one night and a man raped her. She got pregnant around this time and the man she was dating freaked out and walked away. He wasn't sure if the baby was his or if the baby was the rape victim. There were some discernible differences between these men and when the baby came out, she was the daughter of the man my mom dated. That baby was me.

My mom was only 19 when she had me. She put me up for adoption for 2 weeks and then came back and got me. She met my step-dad when I was 3 years-old and married him when I was almost 5. He abused me in every way possible. She never knew any of this while we were living with him. My sister came along and she started to suspect things. When I was almost 8, she packed up our car with 3 blankets, 3 pair of clothes for each of us, some eating utensils and money she had in her account, which wasn't very much. We lived with my aunt for a month and then had to move out.

After a few months of being here and knowing we weren't going back, I told my mom what had happened. I have never seen so much pain in anyone.

We were on welfare for a little while and then my mom worked nights, days; anything to make ends meet. She started going to school so she could better herself. She married two additional not so great men. She has worked herself to the bone all 29 years of my life. She just left her latest husband because in the 4 years they were married, he worked a total of 2 months. He tore her down and she just loved him.

It breaks my heart more than anything else in the world to see that my mom still hasn't been taken care of and loved the way she should. I have always wanted to give my mom anything that would bring pure love and joy and happiness to her life. But as with my own life, I can't control the choices of others nor can I make things happen the way I want. Tonight I was blessed with knowledge that I had never thought before.

My moms greatest joy and gift is loving others. She is amazing at it. She never judges you. She always just loves you. I was over at her house tonight and we were talking about kids and her being a grandma one day. The purest thought came to my mind. My moms greatest joy in life will come when she becomes a grandma and is able to be with her grandchildren. No other grandchildren will ever be loved as much. I don't know how I didn't see it before. They will love her just as much back and she will do anything for them. My mom was made to be a grandma. She will be prefect. I know that grandchildren will bring my mom more joy that she has ever known. And this is a gift that one day I can give to her. Me, my sister and two brothers. I can finally do something to bring my mom the purest joy and happiness. While I am not married right now, one day I will be and I will have children and I will let my mom love my kids more than anything. What a perfect answer to a prayer that I have prayed about since I was little.

True Friend?

I am of the opinion that your roommate/good friend should not go after someone you have told them you are interested in. It doesn't mean you are going to marry the guy or that you have any real claim to him, it simply means lay off long enough so that I can see if anything is going to happen. You trust your friends and usually roommates with your feelings. When they go behind your back and ask out the guy you just told them 4 or 5 days before that you were interested in(and had spent time with him), that is crap in my book.

But I have thought about this a lot more since this happened. This roommate/friend is someone I have known for 5 years. While we haven't been close all 5 years, we are closer. She isn't one of my "people" nor do I trust her with all of my thoughts and feelings because we haven't built up that trust between each other yet. But we are close enough that you don't do something to intentionally piss the other person off or hurt them for possible personal gain. You just don't. But as I was thinking about this, there are people who think otherwise.

For me, I wouldn't do this to someone I was close to, even if I was interested in that guy (I have been in that situation before). But I have friends who wouldn't think twice about doing this to a friend and they see no malice in it. Those are the people that need to be good friends. As for the other people, they can be good friends with me.

This is how my brain thinks of it. I am opening up to you as a friend and trusting you with feelings and hopes close to my heart. Depending on what you do with those things I tell you will determine if I trust you with anything that actually means anything to me in the future. Why would I tell someone something that means something to me only to have them turn around and do something they know would hurt me? As a side note, I don't talk behind peoples backs. I will say it to their face...hopefully in a tactful way. Anyway, it feels like a small betrayal. While that sounds drama filled, it is how I feel.

But at the end of the day, I understand that not everyone feels this way and that is okay. I just won't trust you with my real thoughts and feelings. We will have a surface friendship and that really is fine with me. As long as I know what type of friend that person is, I can put them in their correct spot in my heart.

One note I want to add to this. Last night I found all of this out. The night before I found out that the person from the previously blog I wrote isn't interested in dating me(something I had hoped for). I felt like I had taken a hit on both sides and it hurt a lot. I cried like a baby(thank you mom for those emotional genes!) because I felt alone in all of this. In all honesty, I want more than anything, the man that I can just fall into and trust with my whole heart and soul. I have always been independent because I have had to be. But I just need someone who is confident enough in himself to love me for me. On a day where everything falls apart for one reason or the other, I want to go home and fall into that man and know that he will take care of me. I can be strong or weak around him and he will love me for both. That is what I wanted last night but as I was praying to Heavenly Father, I felt so loved. I felt that even though I felt alone, He understood everything I was feeling and that I was not alone. He was with me. I felt that love and peace in my heart and that is what I am most grateful for. While we may feel alone, He will always be there.

Now for the Good Stuff

Have you ever noticed that when you are praying for God's will to happen, you still get upset when it isn't going your way? I do. If I take a few steps back and really think about His will, than I can be thankful that he knows what He is doing and what is best for me, even though I can't see it right then.

I am currently single. I have never been married. I am 29 years-old.

I dated this guy in July of this year. I have honestly never been happier in my life. I don't know exactly why that was. He is a great man. He was smitten with me. He is kind. He is the kind of man that you marry. But then he freaked out and ended things. His reasoning was that I knew exactly what I wanted and I was only the second person he had ever dated and he had no idea what he wanted. While I tried to assure him that I was not exactly sure of what I wanted and more importantly, that I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal in the next few months, he still ended things. In it he said that one day he may have to come graveling back to me.

With every other guy I have dated, there has been something for me to say, "I am okay this didn't work out because I don't know how well I would've done with this or that." With him, we'll call him "Saved by the Bell", there was nothing that I could see to my very trained eye that would've made me turn away and run. He is truly a good and pure man right down to his core.

I thought that I would be over him in a matter of a few weeks, tops. It has now been three months and I still have feelings for him. How silly is that? And a worse question that I ask myself sometimes, "why doesn't this good man want me?" I think that is the hardest part. He is good and kind and all of these things I want, but he doesn't want me. Well that feeling royally sucks. And I know that most people have gone through that so you know how crappy you feel about it all. I am still good with who I am and how I look, but it definitely takes a hit on you. I wanted him and I thought he would see that I was great for him and he would come back. He hasn't. And at this point, I don't think he will. That sucks.

But back to God's will. Even though the first month I couldn't find anything that was a big siren going off in my head, I have found qualities since that I want more. It still hurts(hopefully that will end today...or tomorrow at the latest(I am a very patient person :)) but at the end of this day while my heart still hurts, I see logic is the whole picture. I want someone who is secure in who they are and what they want. I want someone who is sure they want me. I see things that I want more out of a man than what "Saved by the Bell" actually has right now because of his inexperience. While today may still suck a little, it is nice to see that even though I think I know what is best for me, I don't see the whole picture. God does. He knows exactly what each of us need and just as importantly to me, who each of us need. It all works out. I know that. I will keep praying for God's will, even when I think I know what is better. Because in the end, I would rather have His choicest blessings than the ones I can imagine. His blessings will always be better.

Today is a New Day

I am writing this blog without my name because I will be completely honest about my feelings and what is happening. I think that we all go through things that are hard for us but struggle with feeling alone and that no one understands. I hope by me being honest, seriously honest, this will help someone.