Nothing still

You know, I have had a lot of emotions go through me about this whole Jared thing. Right now, I just really want to not feel that sadness in my heart from the lack of anything from him and just have a good, lighthearted day. I was telling Matt last night that dating sucks because we have to feel these feelings. There are good, but there are also bad. I am also trying to do so much in this whole thing to learn and grow and become healthier. It is really an ideal situation but one that sure sucks for me.

I have a habit of thinking the worst and expecting it to be done right away and that is something that can happen because I am thinking that way. So bad. And you would be surprised how fast it creeps up inside of me. Right after Jared and I made out, I was already thinking it was done even when there weren't any bad signs at that point. There are now. But the one thing with this is that I try to remind myself that I need to let go instead of trying to send a text or do something so I know one way or the other whether it is done or not. I go at relationships like a goal because that is how I know how to succeed in life. You can't do that with a relationship. It is the opposite, you have to let go and just let happen what will. It doesn't mean that you do nothing, it means that you let go of the control and expectation and writing what could happen, which in my case is usually me trying to prepare for the worst. Not healthy. Living in the moment is so key to this and finding the good in each moment of your day. But let me tell you, that has been really hard to do the last week. I do like Jared. I don't know the end on this one at all because I don't know if he is what I need still. What I know and have known I have felt is that I feel like it is too soon to pull the plug because a lot of what I know about him, I really like and I know there is so much more I don't know about him. One thing that will ultimately end it would be communication and the lack thereof. If this is normal for him, I can't do this. I know that. I saw Ian once a week and we did text every single day. Texting helped me get to know him better and open up and trust him. Even with all of that, I realized that I needed more from someone. I want to be able to see someone(not immediately but eventually) every day. It doesn't mean I spend every waking minute with them, it means that some days I may only have time for a kiss and then we go do our separate things. So hearing from someone at this point is very important to me. And when I don't hear from someone, I think they are done and don't care at all. Which honestly isn't always the case. It is sometimes but not always.

Oh my goodness, my brain is so black and white...especially in situations like this and I preach until the sun goes down about how you have to be gray to others! Even when I am giving him until Sunday or later before I send an email, I keep trying to decide what I will do now for then. I just need my brain to shut off and let it go. When my brain thinks about it, it wants a solution so that my heart will stop hurting and feeling abandoned again(whether or not that is the case). I just want to be happy today in today for the things that are happening today. So that is what I have tried to do all morning. I went to my pinterest page of "LOVE!" and laughed at what was on there. Then all of the nice things I have been thinking about saying to people or doing, I do when I think of them. I am a total Facebook whore today. But I feel good. I went to FHE last night because we were serving and even though I was apprehensive about seeing Jared(who wasn't there) I went because I needed to serve. So that is how I am trying to deal with this part.

I loved seeing my sister last night and being able to serve her. It helped my heart. Her text this morning was exactly what I needed to remind me that I am loved, regardless of what does or does not happen with any man. I loved talking with Matty last night. I love that I feel so comfortable around him and safe with him. I am so grateful for his perspective that finally helped calm me down yesterday. I love knowing that he genuinely cares about me and likes me for me, exactly the way I am. I love feeling that from men. I feel that same thing with Craig. I am so grateful to these 2 men for this. I don't want to marry either one of them but I really love them. They have helped me grow more than I could have imagined.

What I really want is to be able to be Jared's friend no matter what happens. Right now I don't let my guard down because in some ways I am playing the game because it seems that you have to play it. I want to just let down my guard and have fun and be me and not worry. Craig and Matt like me because I am me and I don't have those walls. That is what I felt strongly about last week was trusting Jared and letting him in. It takes time. But whatever happens between us, I just want to be able to be his friend after in a healthy way.

This is a hard lesson to learn. The reason I stick around longer than I believe most would is because there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that says, "when in the selection of a mate I bless you to remember the blessings of patience, kindness and understanding..." I am learning all of those in this situation. It doesn't mean he is the one, it just means like everyone before, I am learning these things with him. It's hard.

I hope to keep feeling good today. I have a new scripture that I am memorizing to help every time the negative thoughts come into my mind. It is Isaiah 42:16 "And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." I hope this all helps. I'm grateful I am learning but it is sucky. :)