The one thing I have wanted more than anything in this whole Jared thing is peace. Peace to stay, peace to leave, peace to let go, peace to be his friend no matter what happens, peace to be patient, peace for my soul. I found some last night that I didn't expect but makes sense.
Last night Julia made a comment about finding a new guy because he isn't treating me right. It was almost as if a weight was taken off my shoulders and it was okay that I felt like he isn't currently treating me the way I want, need and definitely deserve to be treated. There was peace that I could be done because there is a viable reason. It was like because someone else said it was okay to do what was best and not play the game anymore. I still don't necessarily want it all to be done for previous reasons stated, but it is okay if it is. I know if it does end, it will still hurt my heart when I see him. But I haven't gotten this far in my healing process to settle for less than I want and deserve. I don't think Jared is a bad guy, I just think timing and some of his own stuff is getting in the way. I want it all. I want someone who knows what they have by having me and cherishes me for exactly who I am. I want to feel safe. I want to feel more loved than I ever have in my life. I hope that these things happen for me more than just about anything else in my life. This is exactly where faith and trust come in with Heavenly Father. I am choosing that. Faith and trust and His timing and peace. I don't know what that means right now but I feel better today because of it.
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