Wow, since my last post so much has happened. I now live in San Diego, California and I feel that I am in the exact place I need to be. Isom is now engaged to marry that girl. Good for him. It was fast so I hope he is doing what is best for him and not rushing. But honestly, I don't care that much because it is his life and he has to live it how he sees fit. My life moved on that night he chose her.
I also got a job promotion and I am loving it here at work as well. I have my own apartment and it is darling. I made friends, ones that I really enjoy and go to the beach most Saturdays with friends to play beach volleyball and just have fun in the sun. Life is exactly what it needs to be right now and I can feel that. I don't miss Salt Lake. I miss people in Salt Lake, but I don't have that homesickness that I thought would come. I have been here for 2 months and I have only had one moment of anxiety of feeling alone and the PTSD feelings. That's a HUGE blessing.
There is a guy I have been talking to that still lives in Utah. He is so nice to me and tells me how beautiful I am daily and how amazing I am and how he wants to be with me. This is a very new experience for me. So while there are so many things that make sense for me to stop it all because of distance, it makes more sense to go off of what I am feeling. I will know when to move on if the time comes. Or he will. The one thing I have come to believe with my whole heart is that Heavenly Father knows far better than I do what will be best in my life. That lesson sucks to learn and usually doesn't seem to make sense until much later but it always comes. Even in the times where I am most angry it didn't work out with someone. So with saying that, and fasting for the best thing to happen between this guy and I, I am open to either way. I just want to live in the day and not worry about the rest.
I still very much want to find that man who will love me for me and take me to the Temple and marry the heck out of me. :) But I want it to be the right man, at the right time, in the right place. I hope for this. I still want this more than just about everything. But I want it to be in accordance with the will of Heavenly Father. That's the only way it will be right for me.
The older I get and the more I choose Heavenly Father and His plan for me, the more I see the wisdom in choosing Him and His ways. It brings peace. It doesn't take away the horribly hard and excruciating times in our lives, but it does give us peace and joy if we look for it. I know this. I have lived this. And I know that harder times will come to me in the future. I just pray that I will always choose the Lord over everything. That is the only way to live to have the most joy and happiness. It's the only way to learn what we need to learn to come back to Him.
One of my favorite talks from LDS General Conference comes from Elder Robert D. Hales titled, "Waiting Upon the Lord" and this part always sticks out to me:
"Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”
What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.
To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”
