How long?

It is Friday after our Sunday talk and I have heard nothing from Jared at all. That is annoying and weighs heavy on my heart. But there are a few things that I think about it. One, with every other man, I think that he is not interested in me and it is done. I don't necessarily believe that is the case with Jared. I can completely see him still being interested in dating me. Yet, I do believe that you make an effort for someone you want to be with and he isn't currently doing that. Two, Jared's ways are not my ways. They are foreign to me. So I guess that raises the question, how long will I keep my heart in this before letting it go? Three, why would I just end things because it isn't going at the pace I want it to? Time is going to pass anyway and I am not yet dating anyone else so why would I just cut it off because it isn't my timing and way? I am continuing to move forward. It's been hard this week with him again not asking me out for the 3rd week in a row. I wish it didn't hurt my heart but it does. I felt that Sunday's talk was genuine and he was sincere with his comments. But I do remember a time when I knew Ian cared and I thought something would happen between us and then it fully fell apart after that. It has been done before, but I went to a running thing he put on and even Paige said she could see how much he cared that day. He did. I don't doubt that. But I thought after that something good was still coming for us and it never did. It actually got about a billion times worse. Even though the talk on Sunday was good and he said he still interested in continuing to get to know me more, it may not happen. It may happen, I believe that too. But what I know is that I don't know the future. I don't know Jared's heart. What I do know is that I would like to be able to keep moving onward and upward. It's okay if nothing happens. I just want to have peace with it. I have this expectation inside of me that needs a man to know how lucky he is to have me. Jared doesn't have any clue right now or he would do more. I just want peace.

I did find some peace last night and maybe some answers too. I went to institute like always and Mike was there. I love talking to him. The whole time I have known him, it has been so easy to say anything to him at all and be completely myself 100% from flirting to sassing to being caring about his work situation to laughing with him. I know from his actions that he is a good man and when I talk to him, I can see it. He is always at Stake Temple night, Saturday night Stake Conference, pop-up special meetings with 70s, Stake FHE and he is kind to everyone I see him with. Last night while I was talking with him about his work situation, I was caring and supportive and there was this great peace. I didn't feel awkward at all saying anything I did to him. It was like I was talking to someone I loved and cared for and had known a long time. I wish I could explain my feelings better. What I realized is that I would much rather be going out with Mike than Jared. Mike hasn't pursued me yet and because of that I hold myself back. I feel like there may be something there for him for me. But what I realized is that I love who I am when I am with Mike and I am the best version of me, the version that I am around those that are closest to me. I know that it takes time to get there with some people but it was instant with him. He came over and sat by me during the class. I am still planning on asking him to my event next weekend. I hope he says yes. If nothing else, I will get to have a great time with him. And if nothing happens between us, I get to know how I want to be with someone I am in a relationship with. That was helpful.

Onward and upward. I hope my heart will take a break and let go of any hurt. Everything is okay and will be exactly how it should be. Time will be the healer and teller of all. Let me hurry up and wait for it. :)