Karma is a B

Karma is real in case you didn't know that. All that I did to Paige and Katie on placing my problems ON them instead of just venting to them has come back to me through a different, very good friend. He is having a hard time and expecting me to fix his problems while listening to every detail. This is overwhelming. I feel sick when I see his call or text. It is too much and it isn't healthy. I tried to tell him this on Sunday but it didn't get through. I love this man and I want to be there for him but I simply can't do it the way he wants me to. I am all about being there for my friends, those who I care about most, but 10-20 texts a day with a couple of calls and if I am able to talk, at least an hour a call. It isn't healthy for me. But I am trying to be the best I can and just put my boundaries up when I can't do it anymore. I feel horrible for saying it, thinking it and feeling it.

This last year has been a giant growth year and I am grateful for what I have learned. I am doing well right now and I couldn't be more grateful for that. I know hard times will come in the future. I know that I can't control outcomes or really anything but how I react to things. I know that every day I want to continue to strive to really want God's will for me regardless if it is what I want at the time or not. I want to fall in love. I want to have a healthy relationship. I want to get married to a worthy man. I want to have children. I want to raise them to the very best of my ability. I feel like I can do all of this now, healthily. What a blessing.

Harder but not hard

This whole week has been such a blessing. I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for it. On Monday night I was laughing, joking, enjoying my night without this great hurt in my heart. How much of a change is that from every other time? Those feelings have continued on throughout the entire week. I have been my normal self. I think it is for a couple of reasons.

I remember Paige having a "freebie" with a guy she dated. After it was done, she didn't have those sad feelings and just got over it right after it happened. I really so far feel like that is what is happening here. I haven't seen Craig and I will have to on Sunday and that is when it gets a little more difficult but I just keep reminding myself that I felt relief when I thought that I didn't have to be with Craig. I believe that was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that this is the best thing for me, even if it wasn't what I wanted. I think it is His grace that is making me okay and actually happy. I also am not mad at Craig. I don't have anger issues towards him and I would like to be his friend. I know he cares about me as a friend. Maybe that helps too. It isn't black or white, it is completely gray.

The other thing that I believe has helped me is counseling. It was amazing to sit down with Janice on Monday at my session and see how different I am from last year. Having something not work out is hard and it will hurt. Hurt doesn't mean that it is wrong, how I used to view it. It means that I invested myself into something important to me. It's okay that it hurts because that is what makes me healthy and human. The other thing is that I am not cutting Craig out of my life forever. I am looking to get rid of these feelings so I can be his friend and have it be a healthy situation for both of us. That has NEVER happened before. When this happens usually, we are done.

Above all, the most important thing still hangs true for me. I want to accept and choose Heavenly Father's will for me in my life above what I really think I want. I can't see the future. He can. I just keep trying to remind myself that up ahead is way better than where I am now or have been. It will have challenges I am sure, but it will also have great blessings. Today is harder because I want my time to be now for marriage and for a man who chooses me first and a man that I want at the same time. I feel healthy. I feel like I could get married and not screw up my marriage and children. I have learned such a huge amount over the last year and I will continue to learn and grow. So today I want what I want, but more than that, I still want what God wants more. I really do. I will keep reminding myself of that and why. It's going to be okay. :) It's going to be really great one day for me when I get to marry the best man for me in the Temple. I can't wait for that. But I will wait, for the best timing and way and person. His will, not mine.

Heavenly Father thinks he is funny :)

What a weekend. I really think that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor. I definitely don't get it sometimes but I am sure it will be funny later...or at least for the best.

Friday. I felt like I should organize something for Craig's roommate to celebrate because he had just passed a big test. I did. Craig invited friends as well. Craig invited Maren. It was really hard. Maren arrived and I became invisible to Craig. What was harder was that I could see how he showed interest in me was exactly what he was doing with her. I tried to keep my face up and act fine. I wasn't though. I drove around after thinking about things. There were some things that stuck out to me. One, I felt like second string, I felt like the back up. And it felt so wrong. I didn't feel like I belonged there. This will show the difference from last year to this year but I didn't feel like I was raised(by Heavenly Father) to be a second option. I felt like I was great and cute and fun and I wanted someone to think about me that way and to love me for me and not just because the other girl didn't work out. I was raised to be the first and best girl in one mans life. Or at least one. The next part was hard and took reminding: Maren isn't better than me even if he wants to be with her more. She is different. But she is the type of girl that all guys seem to want, cute and a bit air headed. I really do like Maren and think she is great. I just wish that she wasn't the one that Craig wanted. But she is and I still like her. Before I go on with some other thoughts I want to bring up something from the beginning of July.

Every month I fast for something important to me. Last month I fasted for the situation with Craig. I acknowledged when I did it that asking for Heavenly Father to help guide me with it and guide Craig with it was not asking just for what I wanted and dating him, but it was asking for whatever the best thing was for both of us to happen, whatever that may be. I acknowledged that could mean that it would pull us apart as well.

On Friday night I was upset about feeling that way. I wasn't necessarily mad at Craig, just sad that he clearly wasn't over her and wanted to be with her. I knew that I couldn't pull a black and white decision on the situation because it was so gray already. You know my first thought was to be done but I held back going forward with that because it wasn't the best answer. While thinking about being done, something happened that I didn't really expect. I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to be with Craig. That thought shocked me a little bit. This whole time I have talked myself into being attracted to him. With his other qualities, they far outweighed the lack in attraction and I had been talking myself into being attracted to him. The other thing that I thought that should have been a tip off was that I felt complete clarity and peace about Craig not being my romantic partner, life felt like it would be good and it left me open to other men. I didn't have to be with him. I wish I could explain these feelings better. All I know is that they were from above because of the peace and clarity.

Saturday morning I woke up and was still unsure what to do and feel. Then as I listened to some scriptures and prayed, I just felt like I should write him an email. Which isn't out of the norm for me, but it wasn't what I was leaning towards. But my thought on it was that I am good enough friends with him and our relationship is very honest and open that it was better that he knew what I was thinking than to analyze something completely different. I wrote it and I felt good about it. I sent it and he replied.

Saturday night I had this date thing with a match-maker thing. Basically they only chose 20 women and 20 men to participate and each would have 3 "dates" throughout the night and then a group activity at the end. I was really looking forward to it because it was a sign of me moving forward and forgetting Craig for the night and meeting new men who I could potentially date. Dates 1 and 3 were no gos. Date 2 was absolutely great and better than I would have ever expected. He was very attractive(seriously, it's the smile that gets me...Craigs smile never makes me weak like this one and Ian's did, smart, sassy, loved food and was ambitious. He was maybe half an inch shorter than me. Sad, but I overlooked it. We had a blast and talked the whole time and flirted. He didn't look away at anyone else, we were in the zone. I found out he lives in San Antonio. Well after the date he had a new girl. Guess what her name was? Maren. Not my friend Maren, a different one. And guess what else? She was hot and small and blonde and air headed. And guess what else?? He followed her around the rest of the night like a sick puppy. I was actually really upset by this. Then I was upset with Heavenly Father because all I could think was he gave me the same feelings and experience two nights in a row with a girl with the SAME NAME! You've got to be kidding me, right??! I had also gone into it not expecting a ton until I got along so well with Brian(date 2) and then it fell apart. I just wanted something to fall back on with the Craig stuff and to keep moving forward and in my mind, that meant dating. So needless to say, it didn't turn out how I expected it to.

Sunday morning I woke up just feeling a little beaten down. But a thought came into my mind and reminded me that I had fasted about Craig and I and that maybe this was what was supposed to be happening right then. It may be that he and I aren't going to make it work. Maybe that was the right thing to happen, even if I didn't like it. So it helped calm me a little and I just trusted that my ridiculous experiences had a purpose. I went to church and it was fine. After church Craig sent me a text to see if we were good. I wrote him back honestly and said overall yes. I still didn't know what I was doing but all I knew were the feelings I had on Friday. What to do with those, who knows? But I told him I didn't give him the chance to say much and I would listen if he did have something. He said okay and after ward prayer we ended up talking.

He said that he is sure he isn't going to ask me out. He said he is 99% sure that we wouldn't work out in the end. He also said he just had this feeling it wasn't going to work. At first I wasn't really happy about this. But we kept talking and it was a good talk. He expressed that Maren and I and Trevor are his best friends right now. He expressed that he cared for me as a person. I told him I knew that because he was there talking with me about it. There was a lot said and what I got from the conversation is that he isn't going to ever ask me out or date me, he cares a lot about me and still very much wants to be my friend but will give me the space I need, that he feels bad for having to do this. He said that he had been trying to talk himself into it(I told him that I had talked myself into him :))and he didn't know why not except for past experiences. I don't know what those are and really, I am just going to let that go. He left and I felt peace. I love my friendship with him because most of what I will write next is stuff I told him.

Last year I was very mad at Heavenly Father for not letting it work out with Ian because I felt I was being led down that path for that reason and everything fell apart. This year I have really tried to be okay with whatever the best option is according to God. I really don't have control over it all. In fact, I only have control over how I react to things that come. The hardest thing for me to let go of with Craig is that he is such a good, good man. I know he will keep his faith(at least I think I know) and will be there for his wife and children. Those things outweighed so much for me and they are the things that are hard for me to let go. The other thing is that I truly trust Craig with so much and it has taken 7 months for this. That is work and in a way, it feels like it was in vain. Of course it wasn't, but welcome to my brain. Now I have to start from scratch and with trust issues, it just feels overwhelming. But last night as I was in my room after, I prayed about being able to find someone who will choose the Lord first and his family and I felt good inside that it is coming. I hope for that. Craig is great and really so very close to what I want, but he wasn't exactly what I want. If I felt relieved last Friday night that I didn't have to be with him, than deep down, this is the best path. This is my time to be able to show that I will accept whatever will comes from above even if I don't like it or wanted something else. Most important for me is trusting that He knows best and is actually doing what is best for me. I think I have always thought that if I am hurting than something is wrong. That isn't the case. This will hurt and I will be sad but I do think it is for the best because of the way it happened. I want to be able to let my romantic feelings go completely so that I can be his friend because he is a great friend.

The last thing is trying to see the hand of the Lord. While this doesn't make me feel good, Maren and Craig talked about a week ago and some of what she said opened up his thoughts to her again a lot. I really think this has a purpose regardless if they end up dating or not. Craig has now come to the conclusion twice that he doesn't think we would work out after thinking a lot about it. I don't necessarily agree with him because I haven't tried it, but what I trust is that it isn't going to happen or supposed to happen because if it was, we would be getting closer together and things would be falling into place instead of falling apart. I was the one who prayed for direction on this and my prayer was answered. It wasn't answered at all in the way I had hoped, but I believe that it was in the best way for my best future. I just hope my future with a great and wonderful and attractive man comes quicker rather than taking its time. I will hurt, I will be sad, but I will be okay. Now it is time to look for the happy that comes in each day. It will be there.

Gotta Get This Out

I don't know if my post today is going to make any sense, but I have to write it to get it out of me. Writing helps calm me down and make sense of things. Hopefully it will at least do the first.

First, as for my last post, Craig never hooked up with anyone. Silly man was sitting in his freaking hotel room watching Sports Center when he got the text and thought to himself that he would wait until the next morning and text me then with a vague response. I have met my match. Boo. But on Saturday I sent him a text that said I was not ignoring him and hoped that he had a nice flight back. Well, he responded and asked why he would think I was ignoring him. I did ignore that comment, but answered the other texts throughout the day. He continued on all of his texts throughout the day to point out that I had still not answered his question until finally that night I said that I wasn't going to answer it. Not bratty, just matter of fact. He responded with a great text that I could picture him saying all bratty. :) "Um, what? I thought we could talk about things." So I responded that I didn't think there was a reason to talk because I wasn't ignoring him and he didn't think I was ignoring him so we were good. We continued to text a few more and we were good. Then Sunday he asked me how the rest of the game was and I sent him some pics. After that, we didn't talk until last night when I got home at ward temple night. That is when, IN the Temple, I told him he couldn't lie and if he really did hook up last weekend. He said no. I told him he was a jerk.

But can I just tell you, it was SO GOOD to see him. I was so happy when I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car. Then he got a haircut and it looked good. In one night my goals of trying to keep my heart back fell. I care about him. I want to be with him. I am not feeling very patient. But I can't control anything he does. And of course I don't want to, but I kind of do. I have two dates this weekend and I don't even want to go because I freaking just want Craig to take me out and be with me. Good hell people, this is ridiculous. I'm terrified of getting hurt. Now, later, both and it is possible it will happen but I can't live my life in fear. All of my actions are based on not getting hurt and to play the game right. Well, nothing I am doing seems to be working. But really, maybe it is and I just don't see what is happening behind the scenes. Two Sundays ago, I was okay with that. I was okay with letting him do his thing and in his timing because I am doing mine. Well, that is a bunch of crap today. It may not be crap tomorrow but today, I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be with him. But that's pretty intense and scary to guys. I don't want to scare him away.

Last night in the Temple, I was thinking of whether it was that I wanted to be with Craig or that I wanted him to choose me. Those are two very different things. One is a relationship, the other is satisfying my need for self-esteem. I have to be honest, I think it is both at times. I would say all of the time it is wanting to be with him. It's because I feel like myself with him and I feel safe. But the unhealthy part of me wants that proof that a man will see my worth and choose me. That part doesn't have to do with Craig at all, that is all my self-esteem and stems from my abandonment.

Next, while I was still in Chicago on Wednesday I felt so incredibly anxious. I couldn't pinpoint it. I was trying to think of why I felt that way. I can usually figure it out with going through what I had done in the last couple of hours to see why the shift in feelings. But I couldn't think of anything. I just felt anxious. I called my sister because that usually helps. It did help and I asked her to pray that I would be safe and that I would feel safe. Feeling safe is a HUGE thing for me. I need it. That's why Matt and Craig have been in my story so much, they are the men I feel safe with. Anyway, it did help. But before while I was thinking of why I was feeling anxious, I thought of the worst things that could happen. I could die on the way to the airport, before, on the plane, or in any other way. I could be disfigured and then my worst fear would come true and I would never get married. Then I thought of last year when I was coming home from Cabo with Paige and I just felt horrible inside. I literally cried the whole way to the airport and some of the flight home. I had this pit in my stomach that I knew that bad things were coming with Ian and that it was going to be really hard. And boy was it. Worst thing I have even been through because of all it brought up. So while I was thinking of reasons for my anxiousness, I started to stress that it was happening again but that it was with Craig this time and that it was going to hurt, bad in the future. Yes, my mind does go to the worst possible things. I am working on that. But one thing that I just realized of a difference between the two feelings of anxiousness and of the feeling of the pit in my stomach. They are very different feelings and by the time I flew out of Chicago, my anxiousness was pretty much gone. The pit in my stomach from Ian only got worse because it became such a reality. I also realized that if the plane went down, I would be sad that Craig and my time never happened and we never had the chance at us. I am being SO honest right now on this thing. Nope, Craig doesn't get to read this. But I think that is when I started to realize my goals of being able to take a step back by going to Chicago failed. But back to my train of thought with this. I was looking at the worst things and the anxiousness only got worse with the fear I was feeling. It was paralyzing. I actually thought for a second that maybe I shouldn't get on the plane. This morning while I was talking with Kristen, she said that everything I have done and do are a means to not get hurt and to try and avoid it because I am so scared of getting hurt. Well, that is true. Now that I know, I want to go tell Craig that I am scared but that I still get he has to figure it out. Don't worry, if I say something to him it will be in context and not out of the blue. I don't want to chase him away. I don't want to be too intense. But after talking with him last night, he doesn't like to chase. I think he is like me, if the person you are interested in is making you jealous with someone else and they are trying to be with the other "jealous" person, I don't try harder, I walk away. I think Craig is the same. I don't want to play the game. I just want to be me. I want to just be his friend and let happen what is going to happen or not happen. Yes, I am not feeling patient. But I see the value of being patient even if I don't want to be. I can't control him. I don't want to. I do want to be with him and not miss our chance. If we do, then that is how it was supposed to be whether I like it or not. I don't want to have a game plan. I just want to live in the day. I was so concerned this weekend about pulling my heart back that I went to the other side of stressing about him texting me. My sister asked me why I was so stressed about it because it was a good thing??? I was so concerned about pulling back that I wasn't able to just be in the moment. I really struggle with that at times. Sometimes I am really great at it. I hope to be better at it this weekend.

Timing

Timing is very interesting to me. How everything unfolds and in the time it unfolds. I believe there is a perfection to it by Heavenly Father's hands. But as I think about the last 24 hours, I wonder why it unfolded the way it did. I think it was how it was going to anyway, but I just wonder why. The whys are always the worst because it's not very often you get those answered.

Yesterday I sent Craig a text to learn lots down south at his training. He said something about each of us getting a freebie without being judged while we were gone this weekend? I was the first one to try and justify this last month with Matt. Neither Craig nor I have kissed anyone in over a year and we both really enjoy kissing. My reply was me telling him he could do what he wanted but I reserved the right to judge. I also told him that earlier in the morning I had listened to a talk on not judging. He said hopefully listening to that talk was inspired. Then he told me to have fun in Chicago and I told him I would. Later last night while I was in the Temple I couldn't shake the feeling that I should have said something else and that I needed to write him back after I got out. I think some of it was something that my bishop said the night before in my Temple recommend interview. It was after the chastity question and he said that I help men in our ward keep that covenant as well. The nagging feeling only got stronger and so I sent him a text after I got out. I sent this, "I'm ridiculous but I'm answering your freebie question again bc I couldn't shake a nagging thought tonight in the Temple. It doesn't matter what I think. What matters is remembering who you really are and living up to your potential. It's going to be worth waiting for whoever you end up kissing. I'm done. :) Have a good night." This morning I got a text that said, "I could have used that text about an hour and a half earlier." I haven't responded.

How do I feel about this? Well, the first thing I thought was he isn't my boyfriend so he gets to do whatever he wants. I am not necessarily hurt or mad, but you could say disappointed and it will probably hurt a little later. But maybe not. Right now I am just taking it in and I am fine. In a way it is a good thing because I am hoping it will help me distance my feelings a little further away. This is what he was looking to do, go out and experience other types. Well, have fun with that.

The timing of it all is interesting to me. I didn't have that thought until I was in the Temple yesterday which would have been his hour and a half earlier. With that, I kind of think that maybe that was what was supposed to happen. I have no clue why. I don't know what is up ahead but I am grateful that I am okay right now. It is very different than before. Maybe the situation is just very different, but I feel different. I am looking forward to going to Chicago and being away and experiencing things that have nothing to do with him. I hope to just keep him out of my thoughts. I don't know if I will write him back. I haven't decided yet. I'm not mad but I don't really have anything to say to that. The friend part in me would say something, the girl who cares for him would say nothing. I don't think it is a matter of black and white, but more choice made and consequence of the actions chosen. I don't know what I feel about it. If I feel like I should write something, I will. If not, I won't.

Who Knew That Could Happen?

For the first time in my entire life, the person I go to for every relationship piece of advice and every single time, seriously, like every time, puts my mind at peace brought up stress where there was peace. Who knew that could happen? I guess there is a first for everything. :) What she said was spot on in the way she meant it. But I guess I had already come to a conclusion in my head and that threw it off. Two other people had the same effect. I felt so much peace and then all of a sudden, these things being brought up(with help from my brain) stressed me out a lot and made me wonder if I was wrong and the peace I felt wrong? Had I come to the wrong conclusion? Had I misinterpreted the peace I felt? Should I push him away? Should I stop being his friend like Janice told me to do? Should I play the game and never text him first or talk to him first? Should I go to softball? Is he being careless with me and my feelings and I am letting him screw me over? Needless to say, all of these things were brought up inside because of having 3 very different conversations. I know that not one of these people wanted to make me feel anxious or stressed. They just wanted to protect me because they love me and don't want to see me get hurt.

One thing that I thought was so inspired that Paige said yesterday at lunch was that there are friends with benefits. There are friends with physical benefits and friends with emotional benefits. Craig and I are the latter. Never in my life had I thought about this. But it is so true. While I believe that Craig isn't trying to take advantage or play a game, there are emotions there. He does respect my feelings and me because he is honest about where he is at and what he is thinking. He doesn't want me to wait around for him because he can't promise me he will be there. I don't want to wait around for him because I love myself enough to want someone who will want to be with me. Monday night I felt like maybe it would be good to not go to softball last night to just pull back a little. But then yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to go. I did want to see Craig because I won't see him until after I get back from my work trip late next week. But after Paige and I talked and I talked with a couple of others over the last few days, I was all sorts of confused. What 2 of these ladies who love me dearly have seen me do in the past is hold on and not move on in the past. I did it with Ian, I did it with Nick and a few others. These 2 ladies have held me up and have had to be there to pick me back up after the heartbreaks. But that was when my brain was ONLY black and white. I didn't know how to hang out in the gray with it. It was either not give up on us all together and be in it if it came back or the opposite, be completely done and push them out of my life. What I have been trying to do with Craig is be his friend and know that there are feelings there, but they may or may not turn into something. If that isn't gray, I don't know what is. It isn't easy.

On Monday night I had decided I wanted to pull back to give myself some space because I did care for him more after our talk on Sunday. So pulling back my feelings a bit, especially because he is going out and seeking to date other girls is a good idea. I had already decided that on Sunday. I had already decided that I wasn't going to wait for him, I was going to keep moving forward. Unlike in previous times with other men, this time I am actually doing it. I am seeking to go out with other guys and very open to it. I am looking forward to seeing Brad. I told him about the other guys on Sunday night so he also knew that I wasn't waiting around for him. But I was at peace of not knowing what was up ahead and I had hope for it. Real, honest hope. I had hope that it could work out with Craig and I. But I also had hope that whatever it was that was coming was going to be the right thing, regardless if it included Craig or not. Yes, of course I want it to work out with this man who is my friend, who I have feelings for and who has feelings for me AND I actually trust him and his is a great man. Of course I want that, but just a little bit more, I want what is best and I don't know what that is and I can't see it. Heavenly Father does. I don't have control over this. I felt such incredible peace about it that Craig dating other girls wasn't killing me, it was understood and expected. He may end up with a different type of girl, he may end up with me. I have absolutely no clue. But pushing him out of my life won't solve that. I have to be at peace. I have to let life happen instead of trying to control it. That is hard for me but I am doing it. I still go back to that peace and the caring of that night. Yes, I want to be with Craig, but I want Heavenly Father's will more.

Over the last year I have grown a lot. While I don't like the gray very much because it isn't perfectly comfortable to me, I have had a lot of precious experiences with it with Paige, Matt, Craig that have helped me grow in this. I have been forced to live in the gray. I have been doing it for a year. I am finally able to find peace on my own and through Heavenly Father instead of just relying solely on others for their peace. What an incredible thing for me to overcome. Truly the only ones who will understand how big this is are those who I placed everything on. The funny thing about all of this is that the those 2 girls and I were saying the same thing the whole time and it was exactly what I am doing. Moving forward, trying to protect my own feelings and backing off of them a bit, but still being true to what is happening in the moment instead of trying to push it out. I feel peace in a way I don't know if I have ever felt it before. It doesn't point one way or the other, it just means that I am good where I am at in this exact moment.

Perfect Timing

I love good friends. I love them even more when they are inspired to say something that I need. I got an email from a friend this morning who wrote, "I loved your testimony on Sunday. Heavenly Father knows YOU! All your hopes and dreams are going to come true. Be patient and relax. We love you." Now my first thought was how sweet this woman is. Next I thought how perfect it was that she said to be patient and relax because I wasn't doing a very good job of that last night or this morning. Then third I thought, oh no! Did my testimony come out all desperate like??!! Because that was NOT at all how it was supposed to come out. The other great thing is that I get to see one of my very best friends today. It really couldn't come at a better time. She is amazing at calming me, especially when it comes to dating. I am grateful for the timing of both of these things, they are truly inspired.

It's interesting to me to see how in a moment you can feel such peace and understanding and comfort and feel like you will never lose that to the next night going back to fear and stress. In my mind, I always worry that even though it was good and fine on Sunday night, what if it all has changed by Monday? This causes me stress and it is really ridiculous. Sunday was filled with so much peace but then a friend brought up some points that I started to let fear back in. On Sunday night, I understood and was okay that Craig was going out and trying to be with other types. I understood why and felt so much peace about all of it. I am not waiting around, I am moving forward as well. But I am living in the grayest I have ever lived. I do like him, he likes me but nothing is happening right now. And yes, thinking of him with other girls is not exactly an uplifting thought. In fact, it will hurt. But the one thing that I prayed for last night was for Heavenly Father's will and that even if I get hurt, that I will believe the best is happening in the end and that it is going to be worth it. What I am doing now is something I have never done well. I am being patient and letting someone make their own choices without feeling that I have any sort of control over them. I am giving up all of the power. I am also understanding that I don't know what is coming in the future and to not freak out about that and every option and bad experience that COULD happen, not necessarily what WILL happen. I can't see the future, I don't know what is going to happen and Sunday, I felt okay about that. That is a part of accepting Heavenly Father's will for me and really trusting in Him that it will be best. It could mean a great amount of pain, it could be the greatest joy I have ever felt, the only one who knows is the one above. Last year I wanted Ian and I wanted to be with him so much it killed me for many reasons and not all of them because it was specifically Ian. I was so angry after with Heavenly Father for taking it away from me...SO ANGRY because I felt like I was being led to Ian. I don't want to have that happen again. Yes, everything that I went through with Ian was truly horrible and I am still not exactly grateful for that pain, but I am incredibly grateful for the things that came out of that. I am so much better all around. So while I am not exactly grateful for that pain, I see the good that came from it. I couldn't see it in my pain. But I see it now. So if that kind of pain is in my future, and in one way or another it will come again, I don't want to be angry with Heavenly Father again. I want to want His will. I can't control Craig and his choices. I can't make him want to be with me, I can't force that. I can't force the timing. I don't want to either. Yes, I would love to give us a shot and I do care for him a lot but I will be okay if it doesn't work out. For it to be right with us, he has to choose it, I have to choose it and Heavenly Father has to be on board. I felt that Heavenly Father was leading me with Ian and I had finished writing that story and then all of a sudden everything fell apart and to pieces. So yes, everything with Craig feels so good and being with him is like being with a friend and feels safe and good and trustworthy, but I don't want to write our story before it happens. It may not happen. I keep saying this over and over but I just want what's best to happen and I have no clue as to what that is and I want to be okay with that and stop trying to control it and the outcome because I can't. This is hard. But somehow it is going to all be worth it. I wish I could just let fear go all together and not let it back in, but it will keep trying to get back in. I just want to be strong enough to keep letting it go.

I get it

I will admit it, I noticed...and possibly missed a little, Craig while he was on vacation. It was actually very cute. He sent me a picture of him and his niece on Friday night eating a pile(literally) of seafood in Seattle. With the picture he asked if I wasn't busy the next night if I could pick him up. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he likes me. :) But we already knew that.

I picked him up and I really tried to focus on being his friend and not giving him so much flack about asking me out. I really felt good about it. He told me all about his vacation and his cute niece. He hesitantly asked about my week. Then when I told him certain activities he wanted to know who I was with. :) But I dropped him off and he told me that he was going to go to Voodoo Doughnuts and get me one but it was a 45 minute wait. It was a nice thought. I felt that I was good at just being his friend and not sending the intense vibes that I am pretty sure I send without meaning to.

Last night after ward prayer, Jeff, Craig and I ended up talking for a while. We talked about fun stuff. :) But then after Jeff left I told Craig I wanted to talk with him quick. One thing that I really appreciate about Craig and I is the fact that we can talk, about anything. When I was with my counselor last week we were talking about how I would tell him how I don't mean to be intense even though it comes off that way. She said that was great and that I should do that if I felt up to it. I started with telling him that first and foremost he is my friend and I value our friendship. I told him that he knows where I stand but when I banter with him I am not in anyway trying to put pressure on him. I am just having fun with him. We ended up talking about a few things. I told him I felt like I knew where he was at. I told him that I thought that he was trying to weigh his options. He had Maren and Olga there and he wasn't sure about them and if he took me out a couple of times, I could see that he felt that we would get into a relationship and get married and that left out time to figure it out with the other two. I told him that is what I thought but that I wasn't sure because I don't know what is in his heart or in his head. I told him I thought he was scared. I also said that I knew he was looking for a wife right now and he has these options and he just isn't sure. He was quiet but I don't know how else to describe our conversation but that it was peaceful and understanding. I told him that I got where he was coming from because I was doing the same thing except with other guys. I told him about Brad and how I have had a question mark about him since my mission and I told Craig we were going to a wedding together in August. I told him that I don't tell him about my dates or other guys and that I wasn't waiting. He said he didn't want me to wait because he couldn't tell me for sure what would happen but that he didn't want me to be done(basically is what was said) either. I told him that I got that and that I wanted to make sure he knew that I saw where he was coming from and why he was doing it. I really just have to say again, there was so much peace to this conversation and caring. Then he said that the other girls he was looking at dating weren't better, they were just different. He said that I was the same type he had always dated and he just needed to see because all of the types like me never worked out and he wanted to know if it was a type or what. I told him I knew that they weren't better but they were a different experience and one that he needed to check out. I told him about my friend who has regrets because she didn't try for a relationship with this guy before she married her husband. I told him that I would never want that in me or in anyone. I also told him that I believed in timing. I told him I really most wanted what Heavenly Father's will was. That was most important to me. But I told him that with this timing, who knew what was going to happen. I told him that my focus was to just live in the day and not stress about whether he was going to ask me out or what would happen in the future with him or with Brad. I told him that I stopped trying to force myself to stop being interested in him and that I was just living in the day and if I liked him that day, well than I did and if I liked Brad, well than I did and if I thought all men were ridiculous, well than I did. I told him no rush but because I am still dating, I may not be around or interested when he figures it out with the other types. It wasn't a mean way. I told him that I thought that he would feel like he missed out on me if we did miss our chance. I told him it was because of how we are together and because I knew me. But I was very reassuring about whatever is going to happen is going to happen and that I had no idea what that was. I also said that I haven't rushed into marriage yet and I don't plan on doing it now. At some point in all of this he asked that if he asked me out in two months, but not saying it was going to happen(men are ridiculous) would I say yes? Then he stopped and said if I was feeling the way I did then(he said it because I said I didn't know where I would be, for all I knew I could be moved to Louisville to give Brad and I a chance...how likely is this? Not super likely, but it proved my point). I told him yes. I told him he knew that I liked him and I did because I really thought he was great. I didn't know where I would be then but if I felt the way I did then, it would be a yes. It seemed to put him at ease. We banter but I think he really just wanted to hear it. Not so much for his pride, but just to know. I also told him about my thoughts about him and liking him enough to not kiss Matt in Houston. I told him if nothing else happened, it was good because that would have been a hard situation. I also told him that I am learning and have learned so much from this and being in the gray. I told him right now is the hardest because I know that he likes me and I like him but nothing is happening. I told him it was such a good lesson for me and one I have to learn. Then we went on a tangent into his sister and some comment and he said it was getting weird. Then he said that it doesn't ever get weird with us. I told him that was true and one thing that I like about him because we had no issues with hard conversations. Then we left and he asked if I was going to go to FHE and I said yes.


When I left, I just felt so much peace. There still is no guarantee that anything will happen between us and everything up ahead is unknown. Today, I care about him a lot and last night just made me care a bit more because of how we communicate. It just felt good.

I was serious about wanting what Heavenly Father wants more than anything. I mean it. It's such a hard thing to want when being with Craig just feels great and right. But I want to believe that whatever happens in the future is the best and greatest, not just hard. That is the part I have been focusing on, the hard part if Craig chooses a different girl and realizes that she is his best fit and not me. It could happen and it may not. That is the part of the unknown and trusting God that is hard for me. I don't want to hurt. But I want to trust that if I do have to, that it is what is the best for me. So that is what I am doing my best to trust in. Craig is cute. He wants to read this blog. Bless his heart. :)

Pool Parties

I have to say that pool parties really are a favorite. I had 2 of them on Saturday. It was such a good day. I prayed hard that morning that I would have a good day and not stress about anything. And it was just that, a good, stress-free day. I did almost die at boot camp because it was SO HOT! But I made it out and got through the rest of my day with a happy smile.

My first pool party was with my work. There is ALWAYS good food to be had with these folks and I love them for it. It was so relaxing to just sit by the pool and relax for 5 hours. Carefree and disgustingly full are words that describe it well. :)

Then the second party was a guy in my ward. It was a blast. The guys that were there were hilarious and fun and we all had a great time. I don't know what it is, but every time there is a ball and a guy in the pool, there is always a game of who can catch the ball while jumping off the diving board and doing crazy things. Enjoyable and I was good at it so it was that much more fun. I like not sucking at things.

The best part of the whole day was that I felt good and fine. I wasn't stressed about Craig. I just let it all go. It only lasted until I got to church yesterday, but those 24 hours were very nice.

Friday night I did see him while we were setting up chairs for a funeral of a girl in the ward. I didn't really flirt with him, at all. It was because I wasn't there for him and I wanted to make sure and have that line there for me and for him and for the other guys in the ward. I was there for Valerie and personal reasons. I know that sounds harsh or that I could have flirted with him and still been there to serve, but I needed that black and white line there for me. He left the next day for Oregon. I sent him a text and told him to have fun and be safe. He said thanks and that is the extent of what is happening with him. Something nice came yesterday when I was talking to his roommate and he told me that Craig had said that I was a really great cook. He has never told me this before but he told his roommate. So that's cute. But I am not texting him while he is gone. If he wants to text me, I would love to hear from him.

That's that. Here's to a good week. I have counseling today and I am happy about that. A lot of things have gone down the last 2 weeks and it will be nice to center myself.