Monday, September 9, 2013
No More Please
I went to counseling today and felt so much better after. I explained all that has been happening the last 3 weeks and how I felt. Instead of making me feel bad about what I was feeling, she agreed with the feelings. She agreed with my assessments of things that were handled well and things that were not. She didn't agree because she was trying to get me to like her, she genuinely agreed. The hard part is that I got home, talked with my roommate about an issue we had and felt wrong again for feeling what I had. I felt like I am weird and wrong for feeling what I did. She also told me other things that I am not great at. She didn't mean to hurt my feelings but of course with my personality, all I heard were those things that are disgusting about me, or so they feel. I am trying to put a happy face on each day and do my best in each day. I am really trying to love myself more each day. But I just feel like I am failing. Failing at being healthy, normal, desirable, kind, loving, not being jealous, patient and so much more. I have no more to give today. I have nothing left. I will try again tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Life is hard
Life is hard. Julia told me last week to stop trying to hurry and get feeling better and just allow myself to be sad, hurt, angry and whatever else comes. Today I am doing that. I think that Satan is trying to kill me by cutting out the people I have loved most for the last few years or it is Heavenly Father opening a new path for me to walk with new people. I don't know which one it is yet. All I know is that life changes and you have to keep moving with it and make it the best you can. I'm trying to do that and I think that is one area in the last month that I have been okay at. I have made mistakes, felt more sadness, pain and a heavier heart than any other time this year, but I have made it a point to look for my many blessings every single day. Each morning I wake up and I keep trying and I pray that even though it could be a hard day with my usual heavy heart, that I am able to feel grateful for the blessings I see in that day. I know I am blessed. I just want to be able to FEEL that in my heart. I have decided that a grateful heart is a happy heart. It releases some pain and helps me see the good. I already know that you can find happiness in every day. Now it is time to learn how to be happy during hard times of trial.
I am just going to list the things that I believe are influencing my heavy heart and hopefully it will lighten:
Landon. This is a man who I have been friends with for years, really good friends. I felt so right about telling him all that I did and I felt how it was done was good. I still have not heard from him in over a month. I have sent him emails and texts and he won't respond. While I still feel that this was the right path and thing to do, it still hurts that someone I have loved and cared for decided to leave my life.
Katie. She moved to Colorado. This is exactly what they need to be doing but there is a difference in me from it. It is harder for me to feel that safe love that she gives me. This will get better and I am sure is getting better right now because I am working on it. They need to be there and it is right for them and that is what is best and I will be okay.
Car. Seriously, I only have to pay for 2 things if something goes wrong on my car. My tires and windows. Last week my two front tires were down to threads and I was heading to Logan. I had to replace all 4 tires. Monday while coming back from Lava, three rocks flew into my windshield and the crack in the middle spidered 5 inches by the time we got back and another 5 since. The blessing of both is that I have a savings account and I can take money from there. Another blessing is that I was safe. If my tires would have blown out, it could have been very dangerous. My sensor in my car alerted me to my back tire being low. That is a blessing.
Mikelle. On Saturday I got my hair done by my friend and hairstylist of 17 years. She is great and very talented but takes a lot longer because we chat and it slows her down. Saturday night I had made a reservation to meet friends for my birthday and I really wanted to be there on time. I told Mikelle about this and when I HAD to be gone. That time came around and she wasn't grasping what I needed. She also offered up advice that I was not having at all. I know she meant well but inside I just felt angry and frustrated. And then I was even more of both because I was feeling that way. I just felt like those closest are not going to be around.
Paige. I finally broke down and shared feelings. I did it in a bad way which I felt horrible for but they were honest feelings. I did apologize about it, sincerely. My feelings are very much hurt and upset and unsure and understanding to her. I don't know what that means. But I am doing my best with it.
Megan. The one time I got to see her, I was very upset because of a miscommunication and handled it in a bad way. I got upset and instead of walking away and breathing, I let it my anger take over. I didn't get to see my good friend again while she was here and I regret that a lot.
Megan and Paige and their husbands. This was especially hard. I really like both husbands a lot. But I really just wanted it to be us 3+1 for dinner. Normally I wouldn't have said anything but the feeling of dread and of how horrible I felt after our last 5 person experience, I just really felt sick about going and said something. I haven't had strong feelings against something in a long time. I told them my feelings. Drama happened and I just wish I wouldn't have felt such strong feelings and just been able to suck it up. I don't know where those feelings came from. But it just added to losing close friendships in my life that I have depended on and loved for many years. It isn't that I am losing them, it is that they are very different and I have to figure out how to make it work for me with the difference and how to do that. I felt like what was important to me wasn't to them, that my feelings were far less important than what they were doing. There were other options, but they saw one option and that was how it was going to be regardless of what I felt. I don't think that either one was on a plan to make my night horrible or even knew how hard it is for me, it was just how it all came out. Miscommunication and bad timing. I was so upset as to why my feelings would be so strong. I still don't have a good answer for that. All I know is that it happened and it has been hard.
Mom. Being around my mom has been very difficult. It has been very hard for me recently feeling that I never have had that "safe place" in someone. I have never had a parent figure who I could go to and trust and feel like they loved me and would take care of me. There is no way to have this as an adult. You have to get it from pieces here and there. Let me tell you, it is not good. I always have to be strong. I always have to keep it together. I have to be fine so that others can rely on me. It is too much and it is so hard. My mom drains this out of me so much. She puts me into her mother role and it really hard for me. I want to run. I can't explain these feelings but they are destructive.
Julia and Craig. I had a roommate named Kate and we are very similar when it comes to men you like, have dated or are getting over. You are nice to them but you don't in any way flirt with them. To me, it is a way to be loyal to your friends and that invites trust. I know I think of things different than most. Julia said she doesn't know how to not flirt unless she is being rude to them and avoiding. We talked about it and I just felt like I was the crazy person. I have no claim over Craig. I would say I don't want to be with him. By trying to physically steal the football from him in my car with just us 3 is going to piss me off for 2 hours. If I am dating someone else, no prob. But I'm not and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me lose trust. Craig is whatever. He flirts with everyone and that is a reason I am not so interested. I finally told her to forget about it because of how it was playing out and I didn't want our friendship to hurt because of it. But then again, I felt like I am losing my good friends left and right. And it made me feel like I had something wrong with me.
Feeling Alone. I have had destructive thoughts in the last month of not feeling like I am worth it to men to take a chance on or to even be worth it to love, let alone be attracted to. I know these are bad for me and each time they came up, I fought back. But for whatever reason, this last month against all of my fighting, I have felt incredibly alone and unloved and unwanted. Let me tell you, those feelings are horrible. Each time they come in, I try to reroute my brain to my blessings and what went well that day. It's hard.
While all of these things have been hard, and other things I haven't mentioned, each and every day I wake up, thank Heavenly Father for my blessings, really feel His love for me and start my day. I keep walking. I keep going. Some days I am not moving forward, I am simply making it through. But each day I look for Heavenly Father's hand. I have always had this fear that I would have to lose another person close to me and trust in Heavenly Father this time without getting angry at Him. This could be that time and I want to trust Him more than anything and feel His love. I have felt it and couldn't be more grateful for that. Life is hard for everyone and it is kicking my trash.
Just like the things I am having a hard time with, I want to write some of the things that are helping me get out of bed:
Camping at the Girl Scout Camp a few weeks ago. I had such gratitude for my surroundings and how beautiful it was.
Boot camp in the rain. Who knew this would put me in a better mood?? But it did just that. It was pouring rain last week and after a really hard day, I went and my friends there, combined with laughing and working out made it great for a moment.
Amy and the U game. Amy took me to the Utah game on my birthday and I had no expectations and had such a good night. She made me feel like I was important because it was my birthday and really made me feel good. The game was amazing and I loved being there. The stress of running into Ian wasn't there, it was just a great night.
Logan with Katie. I love my sister more than words will ever express. This girl loves me and needs me and cares for me and I can feel that every day. We just hung out all day and made food and relaxed and talked. It was exactly what I wanted for my birthday, time with her.
Faustina Dinner. I set up a dinner for good friends. I wanted a good meal. I was very grateful for those who made time to come and be with me and help me celebrate. Time is a big deal to me. It shows me that for 2 hours once a year, you will set time aside to be with me. All of my Mormon friends left the moment they finished eating but my gym friends, Whitney and Kristen and I sat around eating dessert and talking and dining. Dining is something that some people don't get. You don't eat and run. You enjoy, talk, eat and enjoy the experience. We talked for an hour after about many things including Italy. They didn't make me feel rushed or that they had to hurry and get somewhere else, they just sat and talked and enjoyed each other. This was huge to me and made me feel their love. It has been a rough day and it ended beautiful.
Sunday night and peach pie with Katie. Some may think I am nuts, but I drove up to Lava, then an hour to Logan to spend the night with Katie. She had the world's best peach pie waiting for me and even better, she was sitting there waiting. We talked for an hour and it was just nice to be with her.
Monday at Lava. The night before had been rough with the Julia and Craig stuff and I just didn't want to feel yucky anymore. I just wanted to enjoy myself. I prayed really hard that morning for it. I was blessed with this. I was able to just remove myself when it got annoyed and just focused on enjoyed the day and those that were there and uplift them. It happened and it was a great day.
Last night. We had flag football at 9:30pm and I had debated it all day. I was still exhausted from the weekend and hadn't had dinner yet and was coming from boot camp where we got pounded hard. But I went. I played with the boys and had such a blast. I played well. I caught 2 interceptions and a touchdown pass and I played decent defense. It felt good to feel like I was good at something.
Yesterday. After work I went to the Temple. There was such great peace there. When I got to the Temple, it is like coming home for me. It is the only physical place on earth that I can go and feel at home. I felt that I just melted into my chair. I felt when I was driving there that everything with Paige, that she was doing the best she could. I had felt a lot of feelings and still feel a lot of feelings regarding it, but that was a peaceful feeling that has stuck with me because I know it came from above. I was grateful to be able to be in the House of the Lord and feel His Spirit. While there, I felt like all of this that has been going on sucks, but I am going to be okay. I felt great peace about it. I understood and knew that I didn't know how or what it meant, but that I was going to be okay. I feel that peace now as I write it again. I'm incredibly grateful for this.
Every morning I wake up and pray for a lot of things. Those things that I pray for most is that I will be able to see my blessings through every day, even the difficult ones, to be able to react best to what comes, to be able to help those who need it and to be the person He wants me to be. I'm trying. I will try again tomorrow.
I am just going to list the things that I believe are influencing my heavy heart and hopefully it will lighten:
Landon. This is a man who I have been friends with for years, really good friends. I felt so right about telling him all that I did and I felt how it was done was good. I still have not heard from him in over a month. I have sent him emails and texts and he won't respond. While I still feel that this was the right path and thing to do, it still hurts that someone I have loved and cared for decided to leave my life.
Katie. She moved to Colorado. This is exactly what they need to be doing but there is a difference in me from it. It is harder for me to feel that safe love that she gives me. This will get better and I am sure is getting better right now because I am working on it. They need to be there and it is right for them and that is what is best and I will be okay.
Car. Seriously, I only have to pay for 2 things if something goes wrong on my car. My tires and windows. Last week my two front tires were down to threads and I was heading to Logan. I had to replace all 4 tires. Monday while coming back from Lava, three rocks flew into my windshield and the crack in the middle spidered 5 inches by the time we got back and another 5 since. The blessing of both is that I have a savings account and I can take money from there. Another blessing is that I was safe. If my tires would have blown out, it could have been very dangerous. My sensor in my car alerted me to my back tire being low. That is a blessing.
Mikelle. On Saturday I got my hair done by my friend and hairstylist of 17 years. She is great and very talented but takes a lot longer because we chat and it slows her down. Saturday night I had made a reservation to meet friends for my birthday and I really wanted to be there on time. I told Mikelle about this and when I HAD to be gone. That time came around and she wasn't grasping what I needed. She also offered up advice that I was not having at all. I know she meant well but inside I just felt angry and frustrated. And then I was even more of both because I was feeling that way. I just felt like those closest are not going to be around.
Paige. I finally broke down and shared feelings. I did it in a bad way which I felt horrible for but they were honest feelings. I did apologize about it, sincerely. My feelings are very much hurt and upset and unsure and understanding to her. I don't know what that means. But I am doing my best with it.
Megan. The one time I got to see her, I was very upset because of a miscommunication and handled it in a bad way. I got upset and instead of walking away and breathing, I let it my anger take over. I didn't get to see my good friend again while she was here and I regret that a lot.
Megan and Paige and their husbands. This was especially hard. I really like both husbands a lot. But I really just wanted it to be us 3+1 for dinner. Normally I wouldn't have said anything but the feeling of dread and of how horrible I felt after our last 5 person experience, I just really felt sick about going and said something. I haven't had strong feelings against something in a long time. I told them my feelings. Drama happened and I just wish I wouldn't have felt such strong feelings and just been able to suck it up. I don't know where those feelings came from. But it just added to losing close friendships in my life that I have depended on and loved for many years. It isn't that I am losing them, it is that they are very different and I have to figure out how to make it work for me with the difference and how to do that. I felt like what was important to me wasn't to them, that my feelings were far less important than what they were doing. There were other options, but they saw one option and that was how it was going to be regardless of what I felt. I don't think that either one was on a plan to make my night horrible or even knew how hard it is for me, it was just how it all came out. Miscommunication and bad timing. I was so upset as to why my feelings would be so strong. I still don't have a good answer for that. All I know is that it happened and it has been hard.
Mom. Being around my mom has been very difficult. It has been very hard for me recently feeling that I never have had that "safe place" in someone. I have never had a parent figure who I could go to and trust and feel like they loved me and would take care of me. There is no way to have this as an adult. You have to get it from pieces here and there. Let me tell you, it is not good. I always have to be strong. I always have to keep it together. I have to be fine so that others can rely on me. It is too much and it is so hard. My mom drains this out of me so much. She puts me into her mother role and it really hard for me. I want to run. I can't explain these feelings but they are destructive.
Julia and Craig. I had a roommate named Kate and we are very similar when it comes to men you like, have dated or are getting over. You are nice to them but you don't in any way flirt with them. To me, it is a way to be loyal to your friends and that invites trust. I know I think of things different than most. Julia said she doesn't know how to not flirt unless she is being rude to them and avoiding. We talked about it and I just felt like I was the crazy person. I have no claim over Craig. I would say I don't want to be with him. By trying to physically steal the football from him in my car with just us 3 is going to piss me off for 2 hours. If I am dating someone else, no prob. But I'm not and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me lose trust. Craig is whatever. He flirts with everyone and that is a reason I am not so interested. I finally told her to forget about it because of how it was playing out and I didn't want our friendship to hurt because of it. But then again, I felt like I am losing my good friends left and right. And it made me feel like I had something wrong with me.
Feeling Alone. I have had destructive thoughts in the last month of not feeling like I am worth it to men to take a chance on or to even be worth it to love, let alone be attracted to. I know these are bad for me and each time they came up, I fought back. But for whatever reason, this last month against all of my fighting, I have felt incredibly alone and unloved and unwanted. Let me tell you, those feelings are horrible. Each time they come in, I try to reroute my brain to my blessings and what went well that day. It's hard.
While all of these things have been hard, and other things I haven't mentioned, each and every day I wake up, thank Heavenly Father for my blessings, really feel His love for me and start my day. I keep walking. I keep going. Some days I am not moving forward, I am simply making it through. But each day I look for Heavenly Father's hand. I have always had this fear that I would have to lose another person close to me and trust in Heavenly Father this time without getting angry at Him. This could be that time and I want to trust Him more than anything and feel His love. I have felt it and couldn't be more grateful for that. Life is hard for everyone and it is kicking my trash.
Just like the things I am having a hard time with, I want to write some of the things that are helping me get out of bed:
Camping at the Girl Scout Camp a few weeks ago. I had such gratitude for my surroundings and how beautiful it was.
Boot camp in the rain. Who knew this would put me in a better mood?? But it did just that. It was pouring rain last week and after a really hard day, I went and my friends there, combined with laughing and working out made it great for a moment.
Amy and the U game. Amy took me to the Utah game on my birthday and I had no expectations and had such a good night. She made me feel like I was important because it was my birthday and really made me feel good. The game was amazing and I loved being there. The stress of running into Ian wasn't there, it was just a great night.
Logan with Katie. I love my sister more than words will ever express. This girl loves me and needs me and cares for me and I can feel that every day. We just hung out all day and made food and relaxed and talked. It was exactly what I wanted for my birthday, time with her.
Faustina Dinner. I set up a dinner for good friends. I wanted a good meal. I was very grateful for those who made time to come and be with me and help me celebrate. Time is a big deal to me. It shows me that for 2 hours once a year, you will set time aside to be with me. All of my Mormon friends left the moment they finished eating but my gym friends, Whitney and Kristen and I sat around eating dessert and talking and dining. Dining is something that some people don't get. You don't eat and run. You enjoy, talk, eat and enjoy the experience. We talked for an hour after about many things including Italy. They didn't make me feel rushed or that they had to hurry and get somewhere else, they just sat and talked and enjoyed each other. This was huge to me and made me feel their love. It has been a rough day and it ended beautiful.
Sunday night and peach pie with Katie. Some may think I am nuts, but I drove up to Lava, then an hour to Logan to spend the night with Katie. She had the world's best peach pie waiting for me and even better, she was sitting there waiting. We talked for an hour and it was just nice to be with her.
Monday at Lava. The night before had been rough with the Julia and Craig stuff and I just didn't want to feel yucky anymore. I just wanted to enjoy myself. I prayed really hard that morning for it. I was blessed with this. I was able to just remove myself when it got annoyed and just focused on enjoyed the day and those that were there and uplift them. It happened and it was a great day.
Last night. We had flag football at 9:30pm and I had debated it all day. I was still exhausted from the weekend and hadn't had dinner yet and was coming from boot camp where we got pounded hard. But I went. I played with the boys and had such a blast. I played well. I caught 2 interceptions and a touchdown pass and I played decent defense. It felt good to feel like I was good at something.
Yesterday. After work I went to the Temple. There was such great peace there. When I got to the Temple, it is like coming home for me. It is the only physical place on earth that I can go and feel at home. I felt that I just melted into my chair. I felt when I was driving there that everything with Paige, that she was doing the best she could. I had felt a lot of feelings and still feel a lot of feelings regarding it, but that was a peaceful feeling that has stuck with me because I know it came from above. I was grateful to be able to be in the House of the Lord and feel His Spirit. While there, I felt like all of this that has been going on sucks, but I am going to be okay. I felt great peace about it. I understood and knew that I didn't know how or what it meant, but that I was going to be okay. I feel that peace now as I write it again. I'm incredibly grateful for this.
Every morning I wake up and pray for a lot of things. Those things that I pray for most is that I will be able to see my blessings through every day, even the difficult ones, to be able to react best to what comes, to be able to help those who need it and to be the person He wants me to be. I'm trying. I will try again tomorrow.
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