Falling

I have so much in my head right now that I am going to piece through it.

First, "Hot Teeth" is amazing. Every single time I am with him, no matter how many walls I try to keep up to protect myself, I care about him more. That scares me. It wasn't that long ago that I felt the pain that comes from having someone move on. I remember how bad it sucks and I really don't want to feel that. I understand that is a part of dating but it makes me want to pull away so the pain won't be as bad because let's face it, every other time I have done this, thus far, it has ended. But no matter how hard I try to keep myself at a good pace with him, I feel myself falling for him more each time I see him.

He is so good to me. It would take forever for me to tell you all of the good things he does. I feel cared about, protected, sincerely interested in, understood, and the ability to be exactly who I am. Even the crasser side of me that no one really sees. I trust him and that again scares me. Every step that I keep going forward with him makes me realize that if this does end, no matter how many walls I have tried to put up, they will be crap and I will be hurt.

While I know I would be hurt, I still keep going and let this go further. While it scares me and my closest friends need to calm me down and remind me that it is okay, I choose to go forward. I have never been the type of person to let something go because it scares me. I have to do it. I have to give it my all or I will have regrets. It is how I live my life. And this situation now is no different. I will keep going forward until/if he ever puts on the brakes. I choose faith. I choose faith in the Lord and know that even if this goes in the crapper, that I will one day be better off because of it.

When "Saved by the Bell" and I ended things, I seriously thought that he and I were so great together and I could not understand how he couldn't see it. One of my closest friends that knows everything about me told me that for the first time, she didn't think he would come back. It wasn't because he wouldn't want to, but because she felt that there was someone so much better out there for me. She had never said or felt this way on any of my other relationships. She was right. "Hot Teeth" is better for me. While I have been with him on a few occasions I have thought to myself that we fit better than ever before and I am shocked that two people can match up so well. So that is where my faith comes in this. While I think that "Hot Teeth" is better for me than anyone else before him, if it ends, there will be someone better because Heavenly Father has proved me wrong before.

This is how I can go forward with faith and not run the other way even though I care for him more each day. So yes this freaks me out because I care about him and I don't want to get hurt. But why wouldn't I live this to the fullest because who knows, if he doesn't freak out and bail, he could be it for me. And that in the end is worth the pain and heartache.

Grateful

I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for my blessings. I am grateful for all of the hard lessons I have learned. I am thankful that I can stay close to the Lord and hear His revelation. Let me explain some whys.

When I was dating :"Saved by the Bell" I felt that I needed him to see how amazing I was and quickly. I didn't realize that I was trying to impress him more than just letting it roll naturally. I was so happy but I didn't understand why he couldn't see that I was amazing for him when we broke up and after. He treated me like gold for two weeks and I felt like gold. While I was comfortable, I cared too much. I know that sounds weird but I can't explain it any other way.

With "Hot Teeth" it is so different. I feel like there is a wall that is only letting some of me go at a time. I don't want to show him how amazing I am yet because I don't want it to freak him out. But he himself is amazing and has his life together so maybe it won't be as intimidating. It isn't that I don't want to show him that, it just feels good at this slower pace. I know that he likes to date people for a year before he thinks about marrying them. I like that. I don't feel like I have to hurry up and show him how amazing I am so he can hurry up and marry me. It is patient. It is "line up line". It is perfect. And the other part that had me worried last week about going too far with him according to LDS standards is amazing.

In me there is a strong determination to not go too far. When I think about losing the opportunity to be as close to the Lord as I have been for a few nights of "fun" is completely out of the question because it is not worth it. My relationship with Heavenly Father is deeper than it is with anyone else and that is why it means more. I am not messing with that. Every time we kiss/make-out, I feel a definite line and the power not to cross it. If you could see inside me and feel what I am feeling, you would know how amazing this is. But I know that I have to be aware and cautious at the same time because I know how strong temptation is and when you let your guard down is when things happen. I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful that I have learned from my mistakes...or at least I am still trying.

I am grateful for "Hot Teeth" and the pace it is going. I am grateful that I am so happy. I am grateful that I can still go to the Temple with my sister this week without feeling bad. As long as I stay close to the Lord, I will know what needs to happen in my life. It is the only way I want my life to be. I am grateful that I know that and strive to live that.

Hmmm...

This week has been lovely and crazy all at the same time. I was set up on a date by my sweet assistant. Monday started out with him texting me....and that continued all day, every day this week until(and after) our date on Friday night. I laughed so hard at some of his texts. He is a funny man and I appreciate that because I LOVE to laugh...hard! But I don't really want to go into the details of what happened on the date on Friday or seeing him again on Saturday night.

While on the date, I learned that this man, we'll call him "Hot Teeth" :) , has a past of drinking and with going too far with girls according to LDS Church standards. He got his Temple recommend back 3 months ago. Let me also make it clear that he is a great guy. He is smart, handsome, ambitious, funny, loves college football and has other great qualities. But his testimony as far as I have heard and seen is not as deep as mine.

Two and a half years ago, I lost my Temple recommend for 3 months because of the choices I made with a guy I was dating. While I still read my scriptures and prayed every single day, it was the darkest time in my life. I felt empty and confused and rarely at peace. I never, ever want to go back to that. I never want to feel the way I did. I put in some hard work on my testimony every single day since and it has grown much deeper.

When "Hot Teeth" told me of his past, I got scared that I would lose my covenants with him, because let's be honest, he is delicious in all forms. But I was seriously terrified I would fall. I thought about it and honestly, I would never intentionally do anything to take me away or further away from Heavenly Father. I choose Him over everyone else. I prayed so hard that He would help me to not fall. I thought about other things as well. If I am stuck up about it, than I am denying that the Atonement works for everyone. And I know that the Atonement is given to all to repent and has all power to change anyone.

So I guess the moral of the story is, we'll see. But I know I will not do anything to jeopardize my current relationship with Heavenly Father....no matter how delicious "Hot Teeth" is.

Led

I feel like I am being led down the path I should be on. One of my close friends told me that when she was going through a hard time and things seemed dark, she said she would have deja vu and that was how she knew she was supposed to be there. I agree and I have had that happen.

I am all for looking forward in life. But I do think that glancing back is also important. I can look back at so many good choices and bad choices and see the Lord's hand in my life. He really was and is there every step of the way. He was there when I didn't invite Him into my life. He was there when I was confused and didn't know what to choose. He was there when I wasn't sure if I wanted to choose Him or my weakness. He was there and is there when I am stubborn and won't let Him help me. He is and will always be there for me. All I have to do is ask Him to help.

I am grateful for the good decisions I have made in my life that have miraculously got me where I am today. I am also grateful that the not so great choices I have made helped me learn where I really want to be. I can honestly say that when you go through a trial with the Lord, there is hope and peace with the pain and hard times. When you go through a hard time without the help of the Savior, it is even more unbearable and hopeless than you can even imagine. I have done both and I never want to do it again without His help.

Even though I don't understand exactly what is happening next in my life or when things will happen, I know it is okay. Heavenly Father knows exactly where I am and where He wants me to go and who He wants me to be. When I sincerely give my will to Him, there is more peace in my life. And that makes me know that I am being led by His hand.

Happiness

Today in church we had Fast and Testimony meeting. It is a meeting where anyone can get up and bear their own testimony of Christ, His Church, modern-day prophets, anything church related really...and sometimes people bear their testimonies about things that don't relate at all. Those are worth listening to because they are usually pretty funny. Yes, I am horrible sometimes. But today a wonderful girl in my ward got up and said something that stuck out to me.

She said that we all are looking for happiness and why was she so happy. We all go around saying, "I will be happy when I get this job" or "I will be happy when I buy this house" or things like that. But then she said something I loved. She said, "For me, happiness is when I apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ." Brilliant. Because isn't that the truth? The Atonement covers everything. It encompasses hope, joy, peace, humility, meekness, love, patience, goodness and kindness. Those are just a few. To me I summed it up in my head to mean that happiness is the ride of life instead of just merely the destination. Loving my family and close friends really does bring me happiness. Having hope given by the Atonement that I will marry a wonderful man one day and have children brings me pure happiness. When I am actually patient enough to wait for something completely worth it and then I get it because I waited brings me happiness. Being kind to someone who is hurting or feels ashamed brings me happiness to help them. Of course the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the answer to happiness. How did I not see that before?

I have thought about happiness SO MUCH in the last year. I feel so ungrateful for not being happier. I have a great life right now. Why am I not happier? When she made her comment about happiness, I realized that I am happy right now.

A man at work always tells me that I have a smile on my face every time he sees me and that I always reply that I am good. It's mostly true. One of my blessings and curses is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am real with my feelings whatever they may be. That is why when my heart is hurting, I don't feel like I am happy.

I am blessed with amazing things that do bring my heart happiness every single day. But where I feel bad about that is I want more, so much more. I know what it feels like to be loved deeply. I want that from a husband. I know that marriage comes with a lot of troubles and that it is anything but easy. However, I know that I will be happier then than I have ever been in my life. I know this. So it isn't that I am not happy now, because I really am, it is just that I will be disgustingly happy when I am sealed to the man of my dreams and when I have babies. There will be problems, but I will love deeper then than I have ever loved before and because of that I will feel more joy than ever before. Now I also know that means that I will feel deeper sorrow. It is how life goes. But through each of these experiences, I will learn and grow.

I feel that I am learning and growing a lot right now into the person the Lord wants me to be. There are so many times that I wish my heart cared less for people because than it wouldn't hurt as much. I don't know what I am learning from my heart hurting. But I believe even though I can't see it, there is still a reason.

True, lasting happiness is applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ and allowing it to have a place in your life and more importantly, in your heart.

Thinking

I've been thinking today about some things. I talked with one of my best friends on the phone and gave advice about his situation. It got me thinking. It isn't that "Saved by the Bell" is the perfect guy for me(He isn't) and that is why I am still hung up on him a little; it is simply because he was the last guy I dated worth mentioning. Yes, at the beginning, I missed him. But now that my head is fine with not being with him and only my heart wants to be with him when I see him, than I think it is that I haven't come across anything better for me. The person that was outdoing "Saved by the Bell" was "Wisconsin" and that is the person that my roommate started chasing. So in all truth, it isn't so much that I miss "Saved by the Bell", it is that I want to be with someone and he is the last person that I had deeper feelings for. That may sound harsh but it is true. While he truly is amazing, he simply isn't exactly what I picture my other half as being.

I want someone amazing. I frequently settle for going to be amazing, one day. I want an equal partner that will let me grow and not be jealous or irritated with my drive. I have to have someone who will be able to handle my feisty ways(at times). I want someone to sincerely love me for me. I don't want to hope for someone who has everything figured out now and has it together now because I don't know if that man exists, or if he will be interested in me. So that is why I choose to be interested in younger men who will one day be amazing and do amazing things with their lives because of who they are. Then those younger men freak out because I know who I am and what I want out of life. I do have it together for the most part and I would love someone to mirror that.

"Waiting patiently on the Lord..."(Doctrine and Covenants 98:2) I will do this, because I believe He who knows all things, will answer my prayers perfectly in His way and in His perfect time.

Emotions and the Blessing of Friends

Feelings and emotions are sometimes(let's be honest here, a lot of the time) hard to deal with. I consider myself to be logical. I really am. But then my heart gets involved and even though I can logically think about things, I can't seem to let go of what my heart wants. Then comes the conflict inside my soul.

For instance, logically in my head, moving on from "Saved by the Bell" is completely fine with me, however my heart sees him and it is right back on the "Saved by the Bell" train. Heaven help me just let it all go.

Then there is this whole roommate thing that is hard for me. I sincerely feel betrayed. It isn't about the guy or being jealous. It is about the friendship and the shattering of that bond of trust that has been built up for 5 years. Some may say, "why let something like this break up your friendship?" I think that everyone makes their choices but what they forget is that they can't choose their consequences. I want to let things go back to normal but then I feel like that says to her, "please do this anytime" and that it is okay. I don't believe that what she did is fine. I think it sucks. However I don't want to bring a split into our house. I wish it wouldn't have happened. But it did and so I have to deal with it. I don't like contention. I sincerely try to live so that I can kneel down at night and pray and feel that I did what my Heavenly Father would have wanted me to do, even if it is hard. So for now all I can say is that I need time.

On the flip side of this there are those friends who love you no matter what and will always be true to you. They see you in every single light and situation. After all of that, they still think you are amazing and love you. What a miracle that is. For me, that is what keeps me going through my life. It builds up my self-worth. I know that they are behind me and will love me through bad choices, happiness, pain and suffering, joy and the best times in my life. There are a choice few of my friends that I know will always be there. For a girl with abandonment issues, that is one of my biggest blessings. They earned every ounce of every bit of my trust and even better, my unconditional love forever. I believe that certain people are in your life for a reason and these people are Heavenly Father's blessings to me. No matter how ugly it gets and how raw my heart is, they are there.

While I haven't figured everything out yet, I will keep trusting in Heavenly Father to do His will in my life.