Yep Again

Every few months I get to a point where everything seems to give out and I just cry and feel very discouraged about my single status. It is on days like this that it feels like they will never end and hope feels lost, even though I know that there is no such thing as lost hope with the Savior. There are a lot of days where I am good and I am very grateful for those. Last night and this morning have been rough. I asked Mike to my event tomorrow on Wednesday and it was light and easy breezy. He wrote me back last night right before I went into the Temple and said that he just started dating someone and her family was going to be in town. Earlier in the day I saw that Jared is going out and doing a ton with all of my friends in the ward and I believe he is dating snake girl. I have taken a step back because I don't want to hurt if I see him. He still hasn't done anything since our talk. I cried through most of the Temple session. Not because I was distraught about Mike dating someone or Jared, it was that my timing always seems to be off and that unhealthy feeling in the case of Jared that I am never the girl the guy chooses. Why am I not the girl the guy chooses? Thankfully for counseling and Heavenly Father's unending help, I feel like I am worth it and that they should and I don't understand why they wouldn't. It doesn't matter that I don't think Jared is my ideal and I am basically done with him, it's that again, I am here facing tomorrow with nothing on the horizon to make me feel like I am a step closer to getting married. And getting married is all I want. It is the gateway to so much that I can't do on my own. I can't control any part of this and that is hard. I can't just make it happen with hard work or looking beautiful. It is all in the Lord's timing and His way and His choice for a man for me(even though I will also have to choose that man). The nice thing is that I have grown and with the Mike thing, it wasn't that I felt that he didn't like me or it was me or anything like that, it was that timing is wrong, again. I prayed really hard through the Temple that I would feel that Heavenly Father's will was better than mine and that I would love it so much more. I prayed over and over for this and that I would be grateful for His timing and that there will come a time where I will be so grateful it didn't work out with anyone else because it was supposed to work with the right man. I prayed A LOT for timing and the love of the Lord's timing and not my own. Last night in the shower I couldn't stop from crying and feeling like if it is His will that I be single through mortality, than why do I have this desire that is stronger than any other desire in me besides following Heavenly Father, to get married. Really, besides choosing the Lord, there is nothing at all that is more important to me or a desire that I want more. Why would I have this desire if it is not going to work out? I don't understand. I want to understand His will. I want to feel that it is perfect because I know it is with my head. I wasn't mad at Heavenly Father, I was just distraught and disappointed. I loved what I felt with Mike. Those feelings were exactly how I want to feel when I am with the right person. Those were clear as day last week. But for right now, it isn't Mike. And the more time that passes and things I see or read and feel, Jared is not a great fit for me. My pride wants him to want me and my unhealthy ways, but when I feel peace, I am almost certain that he is a no or at least, that is what I feel I am being led to. I want my heart to feel lifted and to feel like I want to go out and have fun and not worry about feeling sad when I see Jared. I want to feel like there is hope and there is a man who is right for me even though there isn't anything at all on the horizon.

Blessings from last night: I knew others at the Temple. I somehow choked on my spit and couldn't stop coughing and crying(a truly beautiful sight, let me tell you)and the sweet girl next to me gave me a hard candy. Then I proceeded to open it and it fell, all the way up to the row in front of me. :) The girl grabbed it for me and I popped it in. It stopped the coughing. Also, there was a girl who hadn't been often and needed help and I was able to help her. I loved being able to help. Serving when things are hard is so good. I had some clothing issues in the Celestial Room and finally just put my head down and cried(yes, again) and kept pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father. Sweet Erin came and brought me a tissue(it was gross, I for sure needed it) and then gave me a hug. I didn't want to talk about what was wrong because there was no easy way to describe it and sharing so deep things from my heart are reserved for those closest to me because they are the ones I trust and I have learned that I can trust them. When I was leaving the Temple, Craig had waited for me. I smiled and past him and kept going to my car. He sent me a text asking how I was and if there was anything he could do. I told him a vague answer, not because I don't trust him, just because I was exhausted and didn't want to explain it all. He was sweet and sent me another nice one. I had messages from 2 of my close friends when I got out of the Temple who I knew I had asked Mike and that he had said no. My roommate sent me a text and asked how I was. It was nice to feel like I was cared about and I know that came from the Lord. I still don't feel great, but I am trying. I am grateful for the Lord's hand in my life.

How long?

It is Friday after our Sunday talk and I have heard nothing from Jared at all. That is annoying and weighs heavy on my heart. But there are a few things that I think about it. One, with every other man, I think that he is not interested in me and it is done. I don't necessarily believe that is the case with Jared. I can completely see him still being interested in dating me. Yet, I do believe that you make an effort for someone you want to be with and he isn't currently doing that. Two, Jared's ways are not my ways. They are foreign to me. So I guess that raises the question, how long will I keep my heart in this before letting it go? Three, why would I just end things because it isn't going at the pace I want it to? Time is going to pass anyway and I am not yet dating anyone else so why would I just cut it off because it isn't my timing and way? I am continuing to move forward. It's been hard this week with him again not asking me out for the 3rd week in a row. I wish it didn't hurt my heart but it does. I felt that Sunday's talk was genuine and he was sincere with his comments. But I do remember a time when I knew Ian cared and I thought something would happen between us and then it fully fell apart after that. It has been done before, but I went to a running thing he put on and even Paige said she could see how much he cared that day. He did. I don't doubt that. But I thought after that something good was still coming for us and it never did. It actually got about a billion times worse. Even though the talk on Sunday was good and he said he still interested in continuing to get to know me more, it may not happen. It may happen, I believe that too. But what I know is that I don't know the future. I don't know Jared's heart. What I do know is that I would like to be able to keep moving onward and upward. It's okay if nothing happens. I just want to have peace with it. I have this expectation inside of me that needs a man to know how lucky he is to have me. Jared doesn't have any clue right now or he would do more. I just want peace.

I did find some peace last night and maybe some answers too. I went to institute like always and Mike was there. I love talking to him. The whole time I have known him, it has been so easy to say anything to him at all and be completely myself 100% from flirting to sassing to being caring about his work situation to laughing with him. I know from his actions that he is a good man and when I talk to him, I can see it. He is always at Stake Temple night, Saturday night Stake Conference, pop-up special meetings with 70s, Stake FHE and he is kind to everyone I see him with. Last night while I was talking with him about his work situation, I was caring and supportive and there was this great peace. I didn't feel awkward at all saying anything I did to him. It was like I was talking to someone I loved and cared for and had known a long time. I wish I could explain my feelings better. What I realized is that I would much rather be going out with Mike than Jared. Mike hasn't pursued me yet and because of that I hold myself back. I feel like there may be something there for him for me. But what I realized is that I love who I am when I am with Mike and I am the best version of me, the version that I am around those that are closest to me. I know that it takes time to get there with some people but it was instant with him. He came over and sat by me during the class. I am still planning on asking him to my event next weekend. I hope he says yes. If nothing else, I will get to have a great time with him. And if nothing happens between us, I get to know how I want to be with someone I am in a relationship with. That was helpful.

Onward and upward. I hope my heart will take a break and let go of any hurt. Everything is okay and will be exactly how it should be. Time will be the healer and teller of all. Let me hurry up and wait for it. :)

The Talk

Last week on Thursday night I sent Jared an email telling him that I don't kiss guys for fun. That it means something to me. I like to kiss guys when I am in an exclusive relationship. I told him that I understood that didn't happen with us and that was okay. I told him it hurt me that he hadn't made any effort to contact me since. The email continued on. It was a good email and it was filled with patience, kindness and understanding. When I sent it on Thursday night, I was pretty peeved at him but I had felt amazing about exactly what I wrote the day before and felt that I should send it as it was. He replied within the hour and said he agreed with everything I said and had been meaning to talk with me and had a crazy weekend so worse case we would talk Sunday. It was Friday morning. Let me just tell you that would not have even been close to possible before. I sent him that I had lunch open on Friday because to me, it sounded like he was done and giving me the thanks but no thanks. It doesn't help that my mind also goes there first. And it is so hard having that kind of conversation looming in the future. Horrible. After talking with a couple of friends I let go and let it be and just tried to focus on my weekend and doing what I wanted and trying not to stress about it. While I wasn't perfect at it, I did well at times. I was most definitely prayed for and I could feel those prayers.

Come Sunday, it was fast Sunday and I decided to include this in the fast. I fasted that both I would know what was best and Jared would know what was best and that Heavenly Father's will would happen among some other things. But overall, it was most important to me that Heavenly Father's will would happen. But I was struggling with that because it seems that for me, in each romantic relationship, it ends and that ends up being His will. I see clear reasons for all of them ending now but I didn't at the time and it always hurt. This is the area that is the most difficult for me to give my will to the Lord. But logically I wanted to do it, I was just trying to get my heart and emotions on board as well. It came down to trusting that he wanted a happy life for me and whatever happened, good or bad, would make that happen. So hard for me. I wanted to bear my testimony in sacrament before anything happened about the will of God so that I was doing all I could to put His will first.

Jared called me after church and asked if we could talk when he got back from dinner with his old roommate and family around 8. He came over and it actually started far better than I was expecting and it wasn't awkward at all. We ended up starting the conversation laughing and joking about things. He ended up asking me my age and I told him. He didn't freak. He seemed fine. We joked about that and how being this old and not married was funny and interesting. I told him how my mission president had reminded me the last time I saw him that some blessings come after the veil to which I told him that was not helpful at all. We laughed about that and a lot of other stories from both of us. I apologized for not really being able to open up and be me. I told him how my ex had ended up cheating on me and that I had some abandonment issues and certain things can trigger those emotions and that is why I keep myself protected. I told him that I really wanted to be able to open up and just be me and that I had felt that a few weeks before. He said I had no reason to apologize. It was good. It wasn't a heavy, here are my problems to weigh you down. It was more just a logical thing that happened. It was good. Then the conversation moved into what he had come to talk to me about. Honestly, I was still expecting the thanks but no thanks before he walked in and I prayed for peace whatever came to know that it was best. And wow, did I pray hard for that all day, all weekend, and in fact, I am still praying for that. I asked him what was in his head and heart. He said that he agreed with everything I had put in my email. He said he doesn't just kiss girls for fun and likes to wait also until he is in a relationship because it isn't fair to anyone. He went on to say that he is interested in continuing to get to know me. He then said that he is dating others too and he feels the same way about them. He also said(can't remember before or after the previous statement)that he is dating to find out what he wants. He said he knows the top things of what he is looking for but he is still trying to figure out the rest. I told him that makes perfect sense. I would be doing the same, especially with his age. I also told him that I was also dating others. I also had made a comment that I knew he was dating others because I hear about it when they go over to his house at 10pm at night. He was stunned and didn't think anyone knew who else he was dating and he didn't know what I was talking about. I told him I wasn't going to talk about it(joking, fun way). We continued to just chat. I said that I was grateful that he came and talked with me and he said that it is better than not doing anything which is something he has done before. The night we made out, I made it clear that my last relationship didn't work because of the lack of communication. So I think that is also a reason he did talk with me. I also told him that I try not to be feisty because it doesn't seem to get you anywhere. I ended up telling him what it said in my blessing about "when in the selection of a mate remember the principles of patience, kindness and understanding..." and I explained that in all of my relationships I try to always to that because that is what I feel like I should do. It wasn't weird. It was good. At one point in our talk too I mentioned that he doesn't seem to text in between at all. I told him how if that was how he was, than maybe we could call it quits because I have learned about what is important to me in the past. He ended up making a comment how he just doesn't text really and in his family he usually just picks up the phone and calls. I told him I enjoyed when he called. We were on the subject of Ian because he mentioned how he couldn't talk to me with my Utah shirt on and I explained a little bit about it. (I was more of an open book but not giving away the farm)and joked with me that literally Ian clearly had a red flag. I told him yes, but he also was a pharmacist with his MBA and that shut him up, then I brought him into it and said that ambition and drive is something that is very attractive to me and that was one of the reasons I was attracted to Ian and also to Jared because he was also very driven. Throughout the night I also gave him a couple other compliments about how confident he held himself and how the white boy could dance. He was confident and said thank you and appreciative. I don't remember all that was said but it felt good. It felt fun. It felt way more open. As he was leaving I couldn't help myself and I asked him why it was awkward when I saw him at church...I guess I said it more of, it's really warm here right now and is when it is just us but it is awkward at church. He said he had no idea and I said sorry but I wanted to be open and honest. It was fine. It didn't seem bad. We hugged and he left. I sent him a text after that said, "thank you for coming over and talking with me. Sleep well.(he was exhausted from the weekend)" He wrote back and said, "hey you too. I'm glad we talked."

I felt peace about it. I still feel peace about it. But I am writing this because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to analyze it. I don't want to think about the other girls he is dating and if he will choose them or if he is going to ask me out this weekend or not. I plainly and simply don't want to even think about it. Julia gave some great advice on Sunday night and said in a text, "focus on everything else but him...be present, live in the moment and everything will work out how it is supposed to." That is exactly what I want to do and have been trying to do. I have been praying that my thoughts will NOT be filled with Jared. I want to find other guys to go out with. I think I am going to ask yummy Mike to an event I have next weekend.

I saw Paige last night and after telling her about it, she said it was good and even though I subconsciously keep trying to find an out, that the conversation alone warranted me giving it more time instead of cutting it off. It was a mature conversation and I loved being able to have it with him. I agree with her. A good conversation always makes me like them more, especially when it is overcoming something hard and getting through it. That could make me weird, but I like to think it is just one of the things that makes me unique. I feel like I am worth it. I feel like I am beautiful. I am grateful for those feelings. They leave me at times but one of the greatest blessings is remembering those people closest to me that not only have been there through all of the hard times, they came back when it was ugly and never left me, not even for a moment. That is one of the hardest things for me is feeling that men never come back for me. Well, 2 have. They see me and love me for me. But what got me through this weekend was remembering those few who have never left even after I have given them many reasons to. They love me for me. They know my really bad and love my really good and they don't leave because they see my worth. My worth is great. I have to say that over and over. But it is true. I guess we'll know who the right man is because he will come back for me, not to just be my friend, but to be with me for always. I still need prayers because this is still hard and very new territory. But I am going to do my best.