If there is one word that I would think of that describes me when I am really unhappy about something, it would be feisty. And anyone who knows me well knows that it a very true statement. Well, last night I was most definitely feisty...and really, I am a little bit today too. I'm working on it.
Let's start at a happy place and then we'll end with the feisty and try and close with something at least a little uplifting.
Friday night. Jared was adorable and sweet and I had a great time. He was warm. He walked in and gave me a good, longer hug and told me how good I looked and I just melted(darn it!). Then we went mini golfing which for the record, I am not the best at and I really enjoy being good at things. But it was really fun. While there he talked about our next date being us getting green bikes downtown and going to these food places we were talking about. That is such a good idea and cute. Then he was sitting on the bench waiting for Ju and Josh to golf, he invited me to sit down and he put his arm around me. That was lovely. After we ended up getting ice cream and when they dropped us off, the hug was wonderful and again, warm. I sent him the after date text and I thought all was really going well. Ju said she thought he was interested because he put his arm around me and he was so attentive.
Saturday. Well he was at the church cleaning with us. He hasn't done that before. And he was back to Ward Jared instead of the guy I had gone out with the night before. It was fine but I didn't realize he was there and I was talking to Josh and James about the party that night we were having. I hadn't invited him for 2 reasons: one is that he still needs to be chasing me and two, he was going to the game. So later that day I decided to send him a text with a super casual invite. He wrote me back around 11 that night and said that he just noticed his earlier text didn't get sent to me. Then he asked about the party. I told him we were watching the Prestige and he commented that he loved that movie so naturally I invited him, nothing needy, to it. He declined but said, "Raincheck on a scary movie?" I said yes and that ended the night.
Sunday. It wasn't as awkward as a few weeks ago. We talked but I was feeling off. My fears of men leaving me were setting in and I noticed him talking with Brittany(snake on top of her head in her profile pic girl...seriously??!) too. But I keep reminding myself that I am also talking with guys. I put my stuff down on a bench and then headed over to talk to my roommate who was playing the organ. Jared and his roommates sat down on the same row as my stuff and I didn't feel weird about sitting there because I was there first so really, suck it if you have an issue. (I am charming today. :))After church we had a mingle and I was still feeling off while we were talking with him and his roommates. I did my best to be as fun as possible. I think I did okay, not horrible. But then this is when it gets...well, it makes me angry. Snake girl comes to a party that I was at for my good friend's birthday. Because I am who I am, I had my friend see who snake girl was texting because her phone was out and flying all over the place. She was texting Jared. I want to insert here that I know we are not dating exclusively and he gets to do whatever he wants to. But I'm sorry, when there is interest, it is still frustrating to have to actually SEE that. Then after I left my roommate told me she overheard snake girl telling a friend of ours that she was heading over to Jared's house...Trevor's home teaching companion. That is how we knew it was the right Jared. It was 10pm at night on a Sunday...SERIOUSLY?! Yes, I know we are not exclusive but hearing that is not good. Because what else do you do at 10 freaking pm on a Sunday night besides make out or cuddle?!???!?!? The healthy thing to insert here is that I have no idea what happen and I am jumping to conclusions(I feel like they could be pretty accurate) but really, I have no idea. And beyond that, it isn't my business or my call to make. I can't control it. I don't want to control it either. I want to be with someone who chooses to be with me for me. I will get this one day. I just hope that day is coming sooner.
I am not going to FHE tonight because I don't think I am capable today of not putting up the "F off" sign to him and her. But it can't be up. I have to act like I have no idea. I have to be me without the reservations inside my heart knowing he may have just made out with her. Let me just tell you, this is hard for me because of how real I am in all aspects. I can't be fake because it isn't in me. But tomorrow is a new day and we will see what happens.
On a brighter note, I decided to do a guesstimate of how many people I have served over the time I have gone basically every week. I figured out yesterday that I have served roughly about 1801 people. That is amazing and I am grateful for that.
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