The last week has been interesting, as always. I am back on the "who knows what Jared is thinking or feeling boat" but today I am blessed with feeling peace about it. I hope that lasts for a while. I have had two things that I have noticed that are stepping stones for me since last year.
Ian gave me a white zip up jacket that I really loved to live in at home. It is comfortable and I can wear it out too. When everything fell apart, I put that and another shirt he bought me in a bag and buried it in storage. I have been thinking about bringing it out the last few weeks but hadn't done it yet. Last weekend, I dug it out, washed it and have been wearing it ever since. It may be a small step but I could care less about Ian, but I do want the comfy jacket. I don't want to say that it doesn't hurt anymore but honestly, 99.9% of the time, there is nothing in me that hurts for Ian. He isn't and hasn't been what I want for so long. But it feels good to have a gift from him on and not even care that it came from him. That is a step in the best direction.
Next, dating just sucks most of the time. It's great when you are both interested in each other and everything seems to click. Well, getting to that point is hard. And let's be honest, my past track record isn't giving me hope that it is going to work...yes, I am still working on hope and it is going well, but it is hard at times. On Sunday when I saw Jared at ward prayer he wasn't weird and we chatted it up and flirted and it seemed really good. When he was leaving he told me he would for sure be at my event on Tuesday. If you were to ask me if he was interested that night, I would have said yes and felt very confident in that assessment.
Yesterday was my event. When I first saw him I was talking to one of his co-workers and one of my old friends. It was kind of an awkward hello and he seemed nervous but said how great everything looked. I caught up to him a minute later and told him what he should eat because we all know that I am a foodie. I checked in a few minutes later and he said it was really good. Then my friend came down so she could see him and we all 3 of us played with an adorable Golden Retriever with a bow tie on. It was chill and good. He seemed to be enjoying being around me, not weird like he had been, but still a little nervous. Then I showed him to where he was at and the event began. After it ended I was on the radio when he walked up to me so I had to say hold on, but then he told me how good the food was and specifics about the flavors(bless this kid's heart for knowing how important food is to me and making the effort). He again seemed a little nervous and left after we said a couple of things. I sent him a text a couple of hours later that said that it was good to see him and that he should go to ward temple night that night. It was funny and cute. But I never heard anything back at all. I did have issues with my phone yesterday and I know of 5 texts that I never received, both from iPhone users. So it is entirely possible he sent something, but it is also very possible he did not. And yes, I did send him an email about it this morning. :) I will even copy and paste it here for you all:
Hey!
Happy Wednesday..."hump day" if you have seen the hilarious camel commercial! When I think of it, it makes me smile every time. Haha.
Last night I found out that I have missed at least 5 separate texts from different people in the last 48 hours and I keep finding out that I have missed even more over the last few weeks since the upgrade. Texting people back is important to me so I always do it. So I am emailing people who may have sent me texts or that I have sent texts to. I never heard back from you last Thursday or yesterday so if you sent me anything, I didn't get it. If you didn't get mine, stupid upgrade. If you didn't respond, I guess our phones are fine and feel free to use this for future reference if my phone continues to suck. :)
Have a great day!
Colleen
See, it isn't scary. This is where the stepping stone comes in. This is me trying to clear up anything that could have happened in case he has sent me texts that I haven't responded to. But it was overall chill and invited a friend or more vibe. This is a gray email. It isn't black or white. Last night of course the first thing I thought was that I should just ignore him and move on. But in the moment after that, I remembered that isn't what you do. He and I can be friends regardless of what happens and even if something doesn't happen now, it could in the future, or I could gain a new friend out of it. But I don't know if he has thrown me off of the interest wagon and so it is a gray email. Yes, I do want to continue to get to know him more. I like most all of what I have seen and learned. This no texting me back thing or texting in between drives me a little nuts but it is what it is. So it is gray right now and I could see it going many different ways, some good, some sucky for a little while and some fine. At the end of the day, I need the will of Heavenly Father to happen. I don't know if Jared will write me back from the email. That could be a red flag for my book too if he doesn't. All I know is that I don't know. It's gray and I am living in it when I want something my way and it's okay. Yay for growing, even when it isn't easy.
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