Why Am I Still Here?

Don't be too shocked but once again, a relationship didn't work. He was so much of what I wanted in regards to how he always seem to choose what was right as it pertained to the Gospel. I really loved that. But he was young. He didn't like me for me. He didn't have the life experience to be able to appreciate things about me. I want someone who understands what it means to go through hard times and come out still choosing the Lord. I also want someone who has lived life who isn't so close minded. But even though my head is clear on the fact that I didn't want to be with him long term, it was still hard to be done.

It is so hard having to start over, with absolutely no prospects. The other part that was hard was that the first month I lived in San Diego I was basically in the honeymoon stage and now it's harder. I feel lost and lonely. But I know I would have felt a bit of these feelings if I was still living in Salt Lake. It is hard having a breakup. I just want to find someone who fits me.

Today when I was teaching Gospel Doctrine I realized that I am still here, here being still single, because I still need to help bring closer to Christ through my talents and by being me. Grateful that I felt that.

I still feel that I am where I am supposed to be. Eventually San Diego will feel more like home.

Changes

Wow, since my last post so much has happened. I now live in San Diego, California and I feel that I am in the exact place I need to be. Isom is now engaged to marry that girl. Good for him. It was fast so I hope he is doing what is best for him and not rushing. But honestly, I don't care that much because it is his life and he has to live it how he sees fit. My life moved on that night he chose her.

I also got a job promotion and I am loving it here at work as well. I have my own apartment and it is darling. I made friends, ones that I really enjoy and go to the beach most Saturdays with friends to play beach volleyball and just have fun in the sun. Life is exactly what it needs to be right now and I can feel that. I don't miss Salt Lake. I miss people in Salt Lake, but I don't have that homesickness that I thought would come. I have been here for 2 months and I have only had one moment of anxiety of feeling alone and the PTSD feelings. That's a HUGE blessing.

There is a guy I have been talking to that still lives in Utah. He is so nice to me and tells me how beautiful I am daily and how amazing I am and how he wants to be with me. This is a very new experience for me. So while there are so many things that make sense for me to stop it all because of distance, it makes more sense to go off of what I am feeling. I will know when to move on if the time comes. Or he will. The one thing I have come to believe with my whole heart is that Heavenly Father knows far better than I do what will be best in my life. That lesson sucks to learn and usually doesn't seem to make sense until much later but it always comes. Even in the times where I am most angry it didn't work out with someone. So with saying that, and fasting for the best thing to happen between this guy and I, I am open to either way. I just want to live in the day and not worry about the rest.

I still very much want to find that man who will love me for me and take me to the Temple and marry the heck out of me. :) But I want it to be the right man, at the right time, in the right place. I hope for this. I still want this more than just about everything. But I want it to be in accordance with the will of Heavenly Father. That's the only way it will be right for me.

The older I get and the more I choose Heavenly Father and His plan for me, the more I see the wisdom in choosing Him and His ways. It brings peace. It doesn't take away the horribly hard and excruciating times in our lives, but it does give us peace and joy if we look for it. I know this. I have lived this. And I know that harder times will come to me in the future. I just pray that I will always choose the Lord over everything. That is the only way to live to have the most joy and happiness. It's the only way to learn what we need to learn to come back to Him.

One of my favorite talks from LDS General Conference comes from Elder Robert D. Hales titled, "Waiting Upon the Lord" and this part always sticks out to me:

"Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”

What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.

To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”

Time Heals and Life isn't that Bad

Time heals and life really isn't that bad are both true statements. It completely sucks that Brad didn't choose to be with me and honestly, that will probably hurt my heart for a bit. And honestly, I may not have handled the last text as well as I would have hoped but I do believe that if things are supposed to work out with us in the future, they will regardless. I need to move on, and I am.

First statement: time heals. It just does. I believe that with the Atonement and time, we will heal from all things. But we can't rush it. We can't make the healing go faster. In order to fully heal, you have to be able to let yourself feel what you're feeling in the moment. Between Sunday night and yesterday at 6pm, I cried more than a couple of times. But then I went to boot camp and talked with a friend there while working out and had a great night full of peace and joy. I watched Grey's Anatomy and it really helped ease any pain I had been feeling before boot camp. So while time heals, finding things that help you feel better in the moment help you heal too. Your entire day doesn't have to be sad and horrible, and if it is, you can find something to be grateful for.

On Sunday while waiting to take the sacrament, I was praying really hard that I would be able to accept Heavenly Father's will in this exact situation with Brad whatever happened. I could see either one happening. But I didn't expect what happened later that night. Because I prayed for His will, it still happened even though it wouldn't have been what I would have chosen. He sees what I do not. He knows what will be best for me and how to make that happen. It sucks but if this is His will, than I completely accept it. I have to. He has proven over and over again that His plan is more amazing than I can imagine. The only part I haven't experienced it yet is in the romantic relationship department. I really hope that part is going to come together soon.

Last statement: life really isn't that bad. Yes, this sucks. But as I said earlier, boot camp and Grey's brought my heart a release and life didn't feel all that horrible. It also helps to see how very blessed I am. I have amazing and loving people in my life who pray for me. I know their prayers helped me and continue to. The thing that helps make this statement true is for me to focus on all of the good that is still in my life. The dating part sucks, letting go of a dream/hope that I have had for one man for 10 years sucks, feeling like I am never going to meet a man who I feel is worthy of me and loves me who I want to be with and same for the guy at the same time AND having the timing work out sucks too, but hope continues to be there. I know that today I will probably have a hard time and my heart will heart for a bit, but right now and all morning, I've been fine. I'm grateful for that.

Seriously?

I have been having a great couple of months full of peace and joy and living life in the moment. I really have felt so blessed. Last night something hard happened.

Brad came a few weeks ago and we hiked and ate donuts and had the best time. I knew that after 10 years I had to say something because he was moving to Phoenix to date and start his life again. So I did. It went really well and he seemed to share my wonderment of what was there. My counselor told me to book a flight after he invited me a few times that night and I did. I booked it 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I saw him just 3 1/2 weeks ago. I am supposed to leave Friday. He called me last night and told me he just became exclusive with a girl down in Phoenix. And he didn't know what I wanted to do. He knew I was going down there for him. I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do. He asked me to keep him posted. I don't think he maliciously tried to make shit of this situation but that's exactly what happened. Really, could it get worse? Yes, it can. Today I tried to transfer my ticket or refund or anything, I found out that I am just out the $268. Awesome, right?

My heart hurts. A lot. But I know it will pass. I really prayed for the best thing to happen and apparently, this was it. That sucks, at least for right now. And the 10 year question was finally answered and all I want to do is move on. Not just say I am moving on but inside stay there and hope for him to come back and get me, but really MOVE ON. I don't have regrets. I put myself out there for someone I cared about and then I gave it a shot and I bought the ticket to go see him even though I didn't have that kind of money to just buy one. I tried. Wow, it sucks.

The other thing that is hard is that he has been the person that I compare everyone else to. I now have to find someone with the exact qualities that Brad has. There were no red flags. Yes, he for sure sucks this week, but most of all I am sad to lose my friend. I basically ended all of it for a couple of reasons. One, when he gets married, we won't be friends anymore because I know what happened in his last marriage. Two, because I don't want to be his friend and give him relationship advice anymore. And three, because he needed to know that if ever decides he wants to be with me, he is going to need to put forth effort because I put a lot forth and got shit on.

Sucks. But I do know it will get better.

Wish

The last couple of weeks has been pretty lonely. From working out the meat of my childhood to getting off all dating sites and not really meeting anyone. Last Saturday night I went to the Temple and I was so angry at every single couple that I saw, and there were a lot. That isn't fair to them at all. It just hurt so much that I can't seem to have that right now. It's heartbreaking. On top of that, I have this hope for 2 men in my life. Brad and Mike. I could fall in love easily with either of these men given the chance. And there are times with both of them where I think there is something there on their side for me as well. They are each the type of man I would like to end up with. But neither of them are coming for me nor asking me out. It's incredibly frustrating and just sad. This last weekend I decided that it is time to give up hope for both of them so that I can keep moving forward instead of comparing everyone to them and maybe even without realizing it, waiting for one of them to come and get me. No more. It felt freeing when I decided to let it go. But of course the week I do that, they are both all over Facebook and Instagram. Yesterday in the Temple, I kind of drifted off and dreamed of Mike. Those feelings of love and desire and every feeling you have for someone you want to date were on the top of the surface. I wanted to be with him so bad in those moments. But I can't force it and I don't want to. I know that I need and want a man to come and get me because they know they want to be with ME. Tonight I saw him and left early when I usually linger and we hug a billion times and talk about everything and anything. He seemed shocked as he caught me before I left. But I just need to let go. I wish he would come and get me but it's not in my power. It's always and forever in Heavenly Father's hands. And that's how it should be.

Yep, I am still learning

I have been blessed with opportunities lately to learn through dating and friendships. I really believe each experience helps us grow and be better prepared for our future. I also believe it furthers you down the path of who Heavenly Father wants us to be by fulfilling our potential as HE sees it, not us.

Joe. Wow was I definitely and instantly drawn to him on our first date. It was one of the very few times where I instantly felt safe, cared for and an equal. I also had a lot of chemistry with him. That was truly amazing. But even with those things, I was able to see the other side of him too. Although it did take a few weeks longer. I saw the his heart has been thrashed over the past 10 years and that he suffers from some serious things in the mental health world because of it. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means that where he is currently at is not a place I want to be. It isn't healthy and because he isn't healthy, I would not be able to have a healthy relationship with him. I realized when everything was moving on that he was very selfish and narcissistic. It was because there is a black hole inside of him that he is trying to fill with love from others because he hasn't had it. That is what I did to Paige and that is a VERY heavy load to carry. It's not healthy and it isn't fair to the person carrying it. He needed to seek help to heal. Healing is good and healthy. I hope he gets the help he needs. I told him I had lost all interest in him and feeling and that I didn't want him to contact me that night or ever. I am not so black and white as to think that if I saw him in 2 years and he got help and we were both is a single place I wouldn't go out with him, but with where he is at, I don't want to tempt myself. I can't. I have spent 2 hard years healing myself.

Andrew. This one was hard. Not the hard that it usually is, the opposite. He was everything I am looking for on paper. He works in the Temple every week, he is 29, he has his Masters Degree, he is very kind and most of all, he really liked me. But after 4 dates and talking on the phone, there were some serious red flags. And I was just so upset at myself because I couldn't talk myself into caring for him and making that "it" factor come. It wasn't that I am not attracted to him because I am. It was that my gut was telling me no and I kept trying to give it more time to change the answer. Because frankly, it is not often when guys are so interest in me and focus on me. When I ended it, I was kind and told him all of the very good qualities he has. I have been given the shaft too many times and I never want to be that person. But I ended it and it was the healthy thing to do.

Matt. This friendship has taught me to trust and has blessed me in more ways than I believe I even know. Today my mom walked into my gym and signed up with Matt. This makes me feel sick inside for so many reasons. I can't protect her, I will have to help her, I will have to teach her, I can't be ashamed of not being a good daughter and pulling away among other things. Matt is going to give her a free training session. He is probably the only person I would want to do that. He will be kind to her and he will care for her because she is my mom. I realized that this is new. While I have opened up to guys, especially over the last 2 years, this is an area that I have never trusted any man with. My mom. Matt is helping me with that trust without even realizing it.

I am very grateful for the things I am learning. It's hard some days but in every day there is something good.

Write before I lose the thought...

Do I really want to be with someone I have to assure over and over of their worth and they are so unhealthy that they can only think of themselves in situations where it isn't even about him? Feed his ego? You can say you're sorry but if I am the one down and you up and I have to make you feel good about you, doesn't that feel off? Is that someone I want to be with? Someone who knows how hard it is but wants to keep going to feed their ego and self-esteem because it is lacking? No, I just hope I remember this.

Want

It's been a long time since I have wanted something as much as I want it right now. In fact, I would say that it has been almost 2 years. But as I find myself praying for it, I also remember that last time I prayed for something this much and didn't get it, it was one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I was upset with Heavenly Father. I was heartbroken. I don't want to repeat that. I hope I won't and don't think I will, but I can't predict the future. I just have this feeling that even though I want this so much, it doesn't seem like it is going to happen. That hurts pretty deep. It's a loss. I am not upset, just sad today. Yesterday my heart wasn't heavy and I was so grateful for that. Today is a different story, it hasn't felt this heavy in years. But logically, I know that even though this may be really hard in the upcoming month, I do believe somehow it will be for my ultimate good. I never believed that until I went through everything I did with Ian. I honestly never believed I was going to feel good again. But I did and I have had deep feelings for men since. I am beyond grateful that it never worked out with Ian. So if I don't get what I want this time, it will all be okay soon enough.

Lessons Learned in January

I have been blessed with a good month. I have had hard times, but in those hard times and in the good, I have learned some things.

This last week and weekend, I met with a client who told me about her husband and sealing on Wednesday, I went to institute Thursday, Temple Friday and church and a blessing on Sunday. In each one of those times and places, I felt overwhelmingly that continuing to put Heavenly Father first and HIS will first was the thing that would make me okay and everything okay.

I have this wonderful client named Megan. She was wonderful to work with and on Wednesday I took her to get some lunch because she had had a long morning. I found out that we are similar in some areas. I found out that she is my age and had just gotten married and had a baby within the first year of her marriage. She told me about a really hard relationship that ended painfully right before she went out with her husband. Then she told me how profound her sealing was in the Temple when she was sealed to her husband and I could feel the Spirit so strong in that moment. It was a further confirmation that I want nothing less than a Temple sealing for myself. Little did I know that her painful break-up would weigh heavily on my mind with experiences I had later that night.

Then Thursday night I went to institute. I had had a very interesting day and was going on only 3 hours of sleep. I had stress, a lot of it and confusion. When I was sitting in institute, I felt incredible peace and just felt that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea which way it was going to go, just that I was going to be okay. I really needed that. It made me think how important it is to have Heavenly Father in my life.

Friday, I went to the Temple and felt great peace again. But again in the Temple, I felt that I needed to trust Heavenly Father and put him first. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt my relationship with Him because he is by far the most important relationship I have.

Sunday in church, again, I was stilled in my heart from the stress I had been feeling and felt how important Heavenly Father was and how He always needs to be in my life. If I put Him first, all else will always work itself out and I will be okay. I wanted to make sure that my life was in line.

I received a calling and during my setting apart blessing, I felt everything I had been feeling again, but most of all, peace. I had been feeling that I had been wanting a blessing but I didn't really have any reason to get one. Just before my blessing, I looked back through some of my old blessings(I write them down after) and realized that almost everything up to this point had come true. It talked about how I would learn an enormous amount to be a better mother and wife and for my future and through the past 20 months, I have done just that, learned an enormous amount for all of those things. It has been a hard road, but also very good as well. I have been blessed. I never ever thought that my heart would one day feel light and happy, truly joyfully and giddy happy again, it is has many times. Just this past December, I had no love interest and no dates of anyone I was really interested in but I was just happy in my life. I was fine. I felt good. I didn't have that horrible pain in my heart that I once did. It has actually made a huge difference in what I am trying to go through right now.

I am more in the gray than ever before. I remember Paige saying years ago when she was dating Brett that kept her going with him was that she has gotten over someone before and she could do it again, it was more important to take the step forward still feeling it was right. I have never understood that. Even until this month, the thought of the pain again was paralyzing and terrifying. However right now, I understand what she meant and agree with her. I never thought I would get over the pain from Ian and my childhood combined, but I did and I have been genuinely happy. It is more important to makes choices based on your hopes than on your fears and that is what I am doing. Yes, the thought of having my heart broken terrifies me still, but it isn't stopping me from moving forward. I understand the risks more than ever, yet I am okay with them and understand what it means. I am okay that if my heart does get hurt again or breaks completely, it will ultimately be for my good. But it will be okay that I am sad for a time. Instead of beating myself up for it, I will try, if it happens, to be kind to myself and remember that. But even in moments that I may feel that it won't pass ever, I will know that it will because it has before with the greatest and deepest pain that has ever happened to my heart, soul and mind. I will be okay no matter what happens, in the end. I have peace about this. I still have sad moments and freak out moments but I have felt the Lord's hand in my life bring me peace and guidance IN THE DAY I need it. I don't know what my future holds, I just know what to do in each day. I will know what to do as long as I stay close to Heavenly Father and keep my life in line with Him. That is the plan.

Writing is therapeutic

Writing for me really is therapeutic. But I haven't wanted to share because I don't want to admit feelings to myself. Last week I got a taste of what it feels like to like someone and how it feels when they like me for me. I loved last weekend with him. It was great. I felt wonderful all around. But it is a week later and I am cranky. I'm cranky because chances of anything happening between him and I are extremely slim and I just feel gipped. We live in 2 separate states and the religion difference which is a big deal to me. But I can't seem to get him out of my head this week. Granted, it has only been a week and I know it will pass soon enough. But I am bugged that I am sad about it. I have been good about just letting me feel what I am until today. The good that came out of it and other dating experiences the last month has only continued to refine what I am looking for. That is the blessing. I just really enjoyed feeling how I did last weekend.