Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

There is great truth to "Two steps forward, one step back" when it comes to healing...or honestly, anything. I have been feeling so accomplished lately and have been feeling that I have come so far and I am so healthy. Well, I am and I did make great progress, but I also took a step back. I am really struggling to feel worth it to men. I have wanted other people to tell me I am worth it so that I know. This is not the healthy way and I got away from doing that.

I have to feel worth it to me. I have to feel my worth come from my Heavenly Father. This is extremely hard for me right now for some reason. There have been a lot of things that have happened and I can see the abandonment that my body is taking from it. Some things I feel like aren't really affecting me but they are. Landon decided he was done because I told him something really hard. I get it and I feel a little relieved at times because I couldn't help him the way he wanted. My sister moved to Colorado with her wonderful husband. My good friend and co-worker left for a new, wonderful position at a new hotel. I still see her multiple times each week so I don't think it is creating it. One thing that is I believe that so many people on my Facebook, in my ward, in my house, that are finding love. I'm standing here watching and feeling so lonely and wanting what they have so much it hurts. It actually hurts. It isn't that I am not happy for them because I am genuinely happy for almost all of them. Comparison is the thief of joy but it is hard to see and not want it for myself.

Wanting to be with someone is not just because others have someone or are finding someone. It is something I have wanted more than anything for as long as I can remember. Someone to just love me and put me first and be there for me. How great would that be? I am turning 31 this week and in my entire 30 year old year, I haven't even held a guys hand, let alone kissed a man. That is just depressing. But I don't just want to kiss someone, I want it to mean something. It isn't that there aren't men who are interested in me. It is that there isn't a man that I am interested in who is interested in me at the same time. One blessing is that I do feel beautiful. But even with feeling beautiful, it still feels like there is something wrong with me because no one I am interested in wants to be with me. Pretty sucky.

I want to go back to feeling peace about God's will and timing and let go of the feeling of wanting to control it. I want to get married so bad but there is not a darn thing I can do to get it. It is His timing, not at all mine. That is difficult. But I have felt the good of trusting before and I want to go back to that peace. I want to love myself more. I want to really feel my blessings in each day because I know they are there. I don't want to be so ungrateful because there is so much good in my life. I want to enjoy that good instead of focusing so much on what I don't have. I want to feel good inside again and not feel like I am not worth it to men or that there is something not appealing about me.

In church we talk about how Satan is focusing on the family and trying to tear it down. I believe he starts with strong and righteous women before we even get to the dating or marriage stage. He attacks men and women in different ways but the outcome stays the same--we are getting married later and less than before. Men and women are falling away from the church because we aren't finding that one thing we want more than anything in our timing and so we seek happiness in other ways. I get why people fall away. I have no plans of it because I know that there isn't greater happiness away from Heavenly Father. I know because I have tried the other path and the most peace and happiness lie with Him in His plan and ways. It's not easy. And frankly, it sucks at times feeling so lonely. But I just want to trust in His plan and timing and way. I want to feel better and I feel that I am doing all I can to do that. I will keep trying.