What I Am Learning From This

I think that we go through things to prepare us for the future. There are certain things we need to learn before we can have the next life experience. With everything that is happening with Jared, I am so tempted to feel how I have always have felt, not worth it to men enough to keep me around and put in effort. These are not good or healthy feelings. I have really worked, especially the last few days, to remind myself that I am in fact worth it regardless of what he decides to do or doesn't. I am worth it regardless of any outside force. It is hard to feel these things but I have repeated over and over to myself that I am worth it. So maybe this whole thing with Jared was meant to happen to help me know that I am worth it regardless if I feel otherwise or if others treat me like I am not worth it. I shouldn't feel less because he is acting the way he chooses.

This whole awkwardness is really hard for me because it is unsettling for me to not have peace and some resolve. I don't know why he is acting the way he is, and I really hope I haven't created any of it but I am sure I am responsible for a little. I just have such a hard time with these situations. I am a creature of communication and it is important to me and I want to send him an email just putting him at ease about the situation. If we go out again, great, I had a wonderful time. If not, that's fine too. We can be friends because he has great qualities that I look for in a friend as well. But whichever it is, no pressure. Just don't be weird. I know he is dating others and so am I. It's okay to be nice to me without me thinking he wants to marry me. If he continues not to text me or ask me out, then I will know he isn't interested and I will put him in the friend zone. Right now, this gray isn't the good gray, it's the awkward for no reason gray and I want to put him at ease if that is possible and by doing that, putting me at ease. But I am trying to decide my want for resolve if it is because I want to control the situation or if it is just because I like to communicate things so that it doesn't get worse. If he doesn't respond well to communication, than it would never work anyway. I need that in a spouse. Craig has been my saving grace on this front. While I don't want to marry him, he and I communicate better than any other man in my life. It's healthy and we are good at it. It is nice to show me that I can communicate well with a man. As of now, I have put a call into my counselor to see if this is a need for control or communication. I will write it out either way so at least it is out of me. This is a hard situation for me and in ways, I kind of wish he wouldn't have asked me out. But he did and it happened so I need to learn what I can from it in the day and focus on living in each day and not looking back or expecting things from the future. It's going to be okay, I know that. I still want Heavenly Father's will whatever it is more than what I want. Hard, but true.