Seriously people, it has been a bad week with worrying! But why am I worrying to the point that it makes my stomach be tied up with knots? Well the logical answer is that I am afraid he is going to break my heart and so I analyze everything(yeah, I know, not a good idea at all) to look for signs of him losing interest. What have I learned? You can take any good thing and twist it into something bad. Instead of thinking of how great this is, I have been focusing on analyzing each text and trying to see if he is going to end it. Why would I do this? It is making me miserable. It's because it is all I've ever known. That is, getting my heart broken. What I don't know is how to date someone and get engaged and get married and then make a marriage work. You talk about taking a leap of faith and taking the first few steps into the dark, well that is what I have been doing. And for the first time in my entire life, I have felt like this could be too hard. Those words have never been uttered before from this girl. When I see something important to me, with the Lords help, I always know I will reach my goal. While this has been by far the most amazing and joyful and exciting and wonderful experience, it has also tested my patience, understanding, trust and just about everything in me to my very core. So I guess the next question is: Is this worth it? Is he worth it to me? The answer will always be yes with him and therefore I will never give up because it is hard. It only takes me a few seconds to remember that when I finally get to see him.
What I can't handle is the anxiety, the worry and the doubt that is coming from Satan. I am allowing that to have a place in me. I wish I could say that I won't let it in ever again, but I have to be realistic. What I will say is that I will pray every single time that it does come for peace and to remember how I feel when I am with him.
Last night I saw him after having this week of worry. Literally within seconds of him walking down my stairs, I felt at home and completely at ease with us. I feel like we are giddy about each other after 4 months and really enjoy talking to each other...and making out of course. :) It just feels good and like I am at home when I am with him. I wish I could see him more but that isn't possible for a couple more months. But it is soon and that is what I keep hanging on for. He is worth it. I just have to remember being with him when I am not. I want us to work out. It will if it is supposed to.
