Saturday morning I was more than a little overwhelmed and started to fall apart in Smith's while grocery shopping. You know it's bad when I am falling apart around food because food brings me such joy. :) My client had been making accusations and had a very entitled attitude all week and it just got worse and worse on Friday night and that morning. On top of that, Landon was needing me and needing me to call. I just couldn't do any of it. I was worried I wasn't going to be able to be the professional, cool, calm coordinator that is so important to my job. While I was breaking down around the deli meat, I thought I should ask for a blessing. Usually when I ask for a blessing it is something I have thought about, prayed about and waited to make sure it is something I need. Saturday morning was not in that category. I sent a quick text to Craig and asked him to give me one. He, of course, was gracious and said yes immediately. I went over to his house because I was right by it.
When I got there I couldn't stop crying. I was a blubbering mess...snot coming out, big red nose, tears, crying...it just wasn't pretty at all. He was sweet and let me tell him what was going on. One thing that he said stuck out to me was that I wasn't supposed to be everything to everybody all of the time. Why did I feel like I just had to suck it up, push my issues down and deal? Craig gets a star. The answer to that question is that I have been doing that my whole life. Stuff down the stuff that is hard and just deal and make sure everyone is okay. I feel selfish when I don't do this. Honestly, I didn't realize I was doing that until he said it like that. The blessing he gave me was wonderful. A few things that stuck out most was that Heavenly Father is happy with me and He loves me. He said that it was good that I was close with these people but I had to take care of me first and help them help themselves. Help them help themselves really stuck out to me. I have had the feeling and thought(and I have told him) to tell Landon that I think it would be very beneficial for him to see someone while he is going through this hard time. In my eyes I can see the unhealthy things that he is struggling with that he has no idea are not healthy and will ultimately push people away. I also know that there is a better way to feel while going through his hard time, not right away but after working at it. On Saturday I felt what I had to do for me was tell him I couldn't help him that day. Funny story from the end of the blessing...I was on my way to boot camp and therefore in a tank top. Craig and my first ever hug was firmer(right word?) and tighter and longer than expected. It was very sweet because he could tell I was having a hard time. The best part happened when he was pulling me in tighter and was so tight that he put his hand is my possible moist armpit....I didn't say anything out loud but I was for sure laughing in my head. Haha.
Sunday I sent Landon a text asking him how he was doing. He wrote me back 10 long texts explaining how he hadn't slept and was losing it. I wrote him an empathetic, honest and caring text about maybe seeing someone. It took me a while to write it because I wanted to make sure it wasn't rude or hurtful. All he wrote back was "really?" He hasn't said a word to me since. I have sent him some texts telling him I am still here and his friend. I feel really bad about it but relieved at the same time. Even last night I felt like that was the right thing to do. I hope it doesn't ruin our friendship for good because that would be a great loss.
Onward and upward.
No comments:
Post a Comment