It's been a while. It's been a good month. I am grateful for that. I sent my good friend an email today and thought I would throw it on here as well.
For the last few months I have been feeling like it is time for a change and possibly a move. I have never felt the need for this before. This weekend just solidified my decision. Circle of Excellence is June 3-6 and in May I am going to start applying for jobs outside of Utah. I don't have a set place but Texas, Washington, DC, New York, TN and some other places are going to be in there. This weekend was the part that really confirmed those thoughts I have been having. I already talked with my main Director about it. She said she already knew it was time for a change for me and she could see it and she already had paperwork of how to advance me to a Director and what training goes into that. So at the start of the year, that is the road I will be working towards. But now that I feel both of these, I am going to start working towards them and you know how I am with a goal. Crazy, huh? I have never wanted to leave until now.
Next, yesterday I went to the mid-singles ward and have never felt that my dating future was so bleak. But in that same feeling, I kept feeling that my part is impossible but somehow I know Heavenly Father can make it happen. But I don't want to throw myself at any available Mormon guy. That is what so many girls do in that ward. They will walk up to a guy while a different girl is talking to him and will ask him out?! Julia also had some guys come over on Saturday night and with the night before so fresh in my mind, I was EXTREMELY frustrated and prayed hard that night. A lot of Utah Mormon guys SUCK. They think they are God's gift to women and we let them think that. Most Utah Mormon men can't even come close to handling all of me. I didn't realize how much I dumb myself down on dates until I didn't on Friday. It is ridiculous and I don't want to do that anymore. I hate feeling like I have to hide great qualities I have. It's not fair. I really just want to be with someone who LOVES me for the independent woman I am. I wish I wasn't so independent but I am and it is how Heavenly Father made me through the experiences I have had. I need a husband but I am not needy. I want someone who doesn't want to be bossed around and someone who doesn't feel inferior to me. That feels so impossible. But really, I do believe Heavenly Father can do this. The thought I had is that either I will have to convert a guy which I have never ever wanted to do until this weekend, or I will have to just keep finding happiness in being alone. I pray so hard that I won't let myself walk away from Heavenly Father and that He will always come first. I know that is where the most happiness lies. And I know that if I get married anywhere but in the Temple it will feel like I have settled. Every time I am in a sealing I am reminded that a sealing for time and all eternity is the only thing I want. But sitting here it feels so hard because most Mormon guys and I don't mesh and in fact, I have yet to meet one that I really do work with. I don't want to try and make someone change for me with a risk of them only doing it for me. I need someone who wants the Gospel for himself and just as much as I choose God first, I need him to. Why am I so attracted to non-members and why do they think I am truly amazing and Mormon guys don't. These are the most honest feelings.
My date.. He has a degree in Aerospace Engineering from Penn State and Nuclear Engineering from Thomas Edison and he is an officer in Naval Aviation. He is going to be a pilot and one day his goal is to be an astronaut. He literally is reaching for the stars. He is 6'4 hallelujah. I met him while they all had their rehearsal dinner at my hotel. We chatted for a bit. He had no clue I am LDS. That was funny. He told the bride good job on setting him up with such a stunning woman. I didn't know it until the next night but he was up until 2am that night changing his flight to Saturday. He was supposed to leave Friday at 7:30pm, so cutting the dinner short. There are red flags so of course I am not writing our story to marriage at this point. He just got out of a 3 year relationship in February. He told me some of the story and the one thing that if what he was saying is true is that he is like me. He gives it his all. But still a red flag. He gave me a lot of sweet compliments ranging from how beautiful I am to how impressed he is with how I live my life and keep the commandments. I am not used to someone complimenting me and it makes me worry they are fake. But he knew he wasn't getting laid. :) Another red flag-ish is that he is in a relationship with a girl in Corpus Christi. He was telling me that there are no women there. The girl has some serious issues and he tried to break it off with her and she tried to commit suicide. Her dad beats her and he said that she has been doing better since she has been with him but by no means does he want to be with her or marry her. This is one side of the story. I of course gave my 2 cents on the matter because that isn't healthy at all and he will get trapped. I told him that he is enabling her and that her happiness depends solely on him. And I was honest on how I knew some of it. We talked a ton about deep stuff and it was good. The problem about a blind date with someone you know nothing about and my trust issues makes me wonder what is real and what isn't. While we were with his buddies, I learned that a lot was real. And I have to say, I laughed SO HARD that night. Another funny part was that he wanted to dance. I guess they do that a lot in Corpus. He taught me how to 2-step. And I threw out my hip. I didn't tell him until the next day. But we accidentally were dancing when all of the married couples were dancing and EVERYONE there knew we were on a blind date and thought it was hilarious. Then when he caught the garter, I went up for the bouquet toss. I stood at the very back and didn't even raise my arms. The girl in front of me should have reached up to grab it...she didn't. My hands stayed down at my hips and it literally fell into them. I can't not catch something. People were dying! Then as they told me he had to then put the garter on me, I made sure and got that on film. So we laughed and then we went out with his friends after to a bar. He had a drink and he told me how he believes in God and why. He said he hasn't been drunk in years because that would jeopardize his career. Then he and his roommate went back to the Hilton and I left. He thought I was going to stay at the Hilton(not in his room) that night. I told him no. But after texting for a bit, I came back in the morning to have breakfast with him. We chatted more there and then I drove him to the airport. He gave me a really long hug.... I had to break away. He was being funny and cheesy. He said to keep in touch and I said I would.
I want to be able to be that much of myself with anyone. I have never felt like I want to convert someone until this weekend. His best friends(2) are both Mormon so I guess the reason is that somehow it is possible. But even if he did get baptized, I don't know if he is best for me. And he lives there and I live here and he is in a relationship which he said he was ending, but who knows. I will send him a thank you text for this weekend probably today sometime but unless it is in Heavenly Father's will, it isn't going to happen, even with all of the hilarious signs. People were walking around that night telling us we were for sure getting married. We just laughed and played along. I feel a little bummed today because I got to feel those feelings which I haven't felt in so long and now they have to be gone.
