"You seem fine."

I have a good friend who is going through a hard time. It is very similar to what I have been going through for the last 6 months. It's having your heart and trust get broken by someone you care about deeply. To this day, I still can't think of anything worse that I have been through. I think it is worse when the other person involved ends up in another relationship right after and you are still alone. In fact, it's the most painful thing. And the thing is, it's over. Why should we care what the other person is doing? In my case, he is living out my dream with someone else. Granted 6 months later, I can see that I tried to make him what I wanted and not really what he was. I also went at the relationship the way I go after my own personal goals, and needless to say, that was a huge mistake. Today I can say that if Ian and I had kept going and ended up married, a year or two into it I would have regretted it and known that I had settled because I wanted to deeply and desperately to belong with someone, to be his girlfriend, to be his wife. Now the "his" I just mentioned is not really Ian, it is more that I wanted a man. I am not desperate enough to just date or be with anyone or I would be married. But when I decide that I want to be with that person, I decide that I will accept any issue that man has and will just look away from it because I want my dream. A lot of these things come from the neglect in my early life and the continued neglect, including neglect from Ian. Wouldn't I love to be completely over all of this, especially Ian and the fact he is dating that girl still? Oh my goodness yes. I can't think of many things I want more. But another thing I struggle with is giving up control. I try to control situations so that I won't get hurt...did that work? Not in the slightest. I have to trust that Heavenly Father does in fact know me personally and has a personal and wonderful plan that includes my deepest dream to come true, for me. Trust is a hard thing right now too. I don't trust that someone isn't going to hurt me. That includes everyone but my sister. I put on a face for everyone. It isn't always fake. I am genuinely happy at times during the day. But each day, there is a great deal of pain that comes too. Sometimes it lasts for hours. Sometimes it only lasts for a few minutes. But I don't share anymore with those around me because I don't necessarily trust them that they won't hurt me either. I try to handle it all inside of me. I am pulling back from everyone but my sister. And that is because she is the only one who has never let me down. I have high standards and I worry that I expect too much out of others. I don't know how to expect less than what I would give. There was an unspoken expectation of what I wanted from Ian and I am sure that pushed him away. I want to trust. Right now the relationships that I am working on improving most are the relationships with my Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. I have to be able to trust them and give all of my control to them. I need to believe they know ME and that they love ME. I know that is the most important relationship to start mending right now and if I can trust them, then hopefully I will be able to trust others too.