For the past 2 weeks, I can't seem to get rid of that alone feeling. All I have been praying for and wanting is to be able to see my blessings in each day and enjoy them instead of focusing on the one thing I really want that I don't have yet. I realized a week ago how much I was craving a parent and a spouse.
I was watching Batman Begins with friends and the beginning shows how much his father loved him and supported him and was a safe place for him. I couldn't seem to stop the tears from rolling down my face. It felt so unfair that I never got this. Yes, my mom loves me to the best of her ability but she has never been the safe place to land or felt like my parent. To me that means that my whole life I have had to be strong all of the time. I have to be strong for everyone else, and me. I don't get to let down my guard and just trust that someone else will keep me safe. I feel like I don't have a place of refuge. It's hard and the feelings are hard because I can't just go and get a parent. That is one thing I will have to live without on earth. I know that some of those feelings are what naturally comes with having a husband.
My 2 roommates both have love stories in their lives right now and it has been incredibly painful to watch and see what I can't seem to get my hands on, no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to look good, be healthy, be funny, all of it. I can't control it. I am putting myself out there. I am saying no to men too. There are men that I don't think will fit me or I believe are not healthy or selfish. This is the case with 2, not a lot. But the last 2 weeks have been so difficult because all I want is to be in a relationship heading towards marriage with a man that fits the bill. These feelings are overwhelming and painful. It's hard to feel them.
I keep praying to just be fine with where I am at right now because for whatever reason, Heavenly Father has me here for a purpose. I can't see it AT ALL. But I do trust that there is a reason for it, even when it sucks horribly. I haven't kissed or cuddled or really touched a man since Ian and that was a year and a half ago. I turn 31 this week and I haven't had one romantic encounter my entire 30 year old year. :( I believe that Satan is doing his best t bring me down. He is succeeding according to my feelings. But my mind and prayers keep pleading to be okay and happy where I am. I have been there before. I would like to really appreciate the many blessings that are happening all around me and not miss them because I feel so lonely.
Last night was a great example. Matt asked me to dinner to celebrate my birthday and for being an awesome client. His words. There was confusion and I thought I was just a means to get him up to Park City and we had to do it earlier so he could meet up with other people. This is me going straight to the worst case scenario and devaluing myself. Both things are not healthy. I always think I have come so far and then I am reminded I am not there yet. Two steps forward, one step back, right? Matty had me drive so he could have a drink while we were up there. He wasn't meeting anyone up there after. We went to Park City because there was this amazing restaurant that he wanted to take me to. The blessing of this is exactly opposite of what I thought. Matt took me there over the girl he is dating and everyone else because he knew how much I loved food. My entree alone was $45. We also had dessert and appetizers. What I need to see is that someone in my life whom I care about listens to what I love and then made it happen for me. I really did just sit back and enjoy him and the the night. After I still felt lonely??? It was a great night but I still have this fear he is going to leave me. I don't know why that is exactly besides the unhealthy part of me. Matt may not want to date me or marry me, but he cares about me as a person in his life. As far as I know, he has never taken a client to dinner, let alone a dinner that nice, ever. So why in the world would I feel like I am still missing something when I was very blessed with a great night?? That is the question I have been asking myself and praying a lot about.
I want this feeling to pass and I just want to be happy with what is happening in my life instead of feeling the loss of what I don't. I am lacking some hope and faith in my future and I need it to come back in. I don't want to miss enjoying the wonderful things that are happening in my life because I can't shake the feeling of wanting something that I don't have yet. I hope this coming week will be better.
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