29 Years Later

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that God is my father, Jesus Christ is my Savior and brother and I believe in the Holy Ghost. I believe that I receive personal revelation from God through the Holy Ghost for things that pertain to me personally. The way that I understand revelation from God is through thoughts that come to my mind. Obviously not all of them, but pure knowledge that I would've never thought up myself. I also feel it in my heart when something is right. The best way I can describe it is that it kind of feels like when someone is tickling your back or playing with your hair. I believe in this with my whole heart, mind and soul.

This brings me to what I am going to say next. Tonight I had a thought come into my head that had never occurred to me before. But before I tell you that, let me tell you first about my wonderful mom.

She is the oldest of 4 children. Her mom had epilepsy all growing up and she took care of her mom every single day. My grandpa was under a lot of stress and he would hit my mom often. It would be over something as small as homework. Then when she was 18 years-old, she was dating a man. She was not a member of the LDS Church and therefore lived without those standards. They were intimate. She was at a party one night and a man raped her. She got pregnant around this time and the man she was dating freaked out and walked away. He wasn't sure if the baby was his or if the baby was the rape victim. There were some discernible differences between these men and when the baby came out, she was the daughter of the man my mom dated. That baby was me.

My mom was only 19 when she had me. She put me up for adoption for 2 weeks and then came back and got me. She met my step-dad when I was 3 years-old and married him when I was almost 5. He abused me in every way possible. She never knew any of this while we were living with him. My sister came along and she started to suspect things. When I was almost 8, she packed up our car with 3 blankets, 3 pair of clothes for each of us, some eating utensils and money she had in her account, which wasn't very much. We lived with my aunt for a month and then had to move out.

After a few months of being here and knowing we weren't going back, I told my mom what had happened. I have never seen so much pain in anyone.

We were on welfare for a little while and then my mom worked nights, days; anything to make ends meet. She started going to school so she could better herself. She married two additional not so great men. She has worked herself to the bone all 29 years of my life. She just left her latest husband because in the 4 years they were married, he worked a total of 2 months. He tore her down and she just loved him.

It breaks my heart more than anything else in the world to see that my mom still hasn't been taken care of and loved the way she should. I have always wanted to give my mom anything that would bring pure love and joy and happiness to her life. But as with my own life, I can't control the choices of others nor can I make things happen the way I want. Tonight I was blessed with knowledge that I had never thought before.

My moms greatest joy and gift is loving others. She is amazing at it. She never judges you. She always just loves you. I was over at her house tonight and we were talking about kids and her being a grandma one day. The purest thought came to my mind. My moms greatest joy in life will come when she becomes a grandma and is able to be with her grandchildren. No other grandchildren will ever be loved as much. I don't know how I didn't see it before. They will love her just as much back and she will do anything for them. My mom was made to be a grandma. She will be prefect. I know that grandchildren will bring my mom more joy that she has ever known. And this is a gift that one day I can give to her. Me, my sister and two brothers. I can finally do something to bring my mom the purest joy and happiness. While I am not married right now, one day I will be and I will have children and I will let my mom love my kids more than anything. What a perfect answer to a prayer that I have prayed about since I was little.

True Friend?

I am of the opinion that your roommate/good friend should not go after someone you have told them you are interested in. It doesn't mean you are going to marry the guy or that you have any real claim to him, it simply means lay off long enough so that I can see if anything is going to happen. You trust your friends and usually roommates with your feelings. When they go behind your back and ask out the guy you just told them 4 or 5 days before that you were interested in(and had spent time with him), that is crap in my book.

But I have thought about this a lot more since this happened. This roommate/friend is someone I have known for 5 years. While we haven't been close all 5 years, we are closer. She isn't one of my "people" nor do I trust her with all of my thoughts and feelings because we haven't built up that trust between each other yet. But we are close enough that you don't do something to intentionally piss the other person off or hurt them for possible personal gain. You just don't. But as I was thinking about this, there are people who think otherwise.

For me, I wouldn't do this to someone I was close to, even if I was interested in that guy (I have been in that situation before). But I have friends who wouldn't think twice about doing this to a friend and they see no malice in it. Those are the people that need to be good friends. As for the other people, they can be good friends with me.

This is how my brain thinks of it. I am opening up to you as a friend and trusting you with feelings and hopes close to my heart. Depending on what you do with those things I tell you will determine if I trust you with anything that actually means anything to me in the future. Why would I tell someone something that means something to me only to have them turn around and do something they know would hurt me? As a side note, I don't talk behind peoples backs. I will say it to their face...hopefully in a tactful way. Anyway, it feels like a small betrayal. While that sounds drama filled, it is how I feel.

But at the end of the day, I understand that not everyone feels this way and that is okay. I just won't trust you with my real thoughts and feelings. We will have a surface friendship and that really is fine with me. As long as I know what type of friend that person is, I can put them in their correct spot in my heart.

One note I want to add to this. Last night I found all of this out. The night before I found out that the person from the previously blog I wrote isn't interested in dating me(something I had hoped for). I felt like I had taken a hit on both sides and it hurt a lot. I cried like a baby(thank you mom for those emotional genes!) because I felt alone in all of this. In all honesty, I want more than anything, the man that I can just fall into and trust with my whole heart and soul. I have always been independent because I have had to be. But I just need someone who is confident enough in himself to love me for me. On a day where everything falls apart for one reason or the other, I want to go home and fall into that man and know that he will take care of me. I can be strong or weak around him and he will love me for both. That is what I wanted last night but as I was praying to Heavenly Father, I felt so loved. I felt that even though I felt alone, He understood everything I was feeling and that I was not alone. He was with me. I felt that love and peace in my heart and that is what I am most grateful for. While we may feel alone, He will always be there.

Now for the Good Stuff

Have you ever noticed that when you are praying for God's will to happen, you still get upset when it isn't going your way? I do. If I take a few steps back and really think about His will, than I can be thankful that he knows what He is doing and what is best for me, even though I can't see it right then.

I am currently single. I have never been married. I am 29 years-old.

I dated this guy in July of this year. I have honestly never been happier in my life. I don't know exactly why that was. He is a great man. He was smitten with me. He is kind. He is the kind of man that you marry. But then he freaked out and ended things. His reasoning was that I knew exactly what I wanted and I was only the second person he had ever dated and he had no idea what he wanted. While I tried to assure him that I was not exactly sure of what I wanted and more importantly, that I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal in the next few months, he still ended things. In it he said that one day he may have to come graveling back to me.

With every other guy I have dated, there has been something for me to say, "I am okay this didn't work out because I don't know how well I would've done with this or that." With him, we'll call him "Saved by the Bell", there was nothing that I could see to my very trained eye that would've made me turn away and run. He is truly a good and pure man right down to his core.

I thought that I would be over him in a matter of a few weeks, tops. It has now been three months and I still have feelings for him. How silly is that? And a worse question that I ask myself sometimes, "why doesn't this good man want me?" I think that is the hardest part. He is good and kind and all of these things I want, but he doesn't want me. Well that feeling royally sucks. And I know that most people have gone through that so you know how crappy you feel about it all. I am still good with who I am and how I look, but it definitely takes a hit on you. I wanted him and I thought he would see that I was great for him and he would come back. He hasn't. And at this point, I don't think he will. That sucks.

But back to God's will. Even though the first month I couldn't find anything that was a big siren going off in my head, I have found qualities since that I want more. It still hurts(hopefully that will end today...or tomorrow at the latest(I am a very patient person :)) but at the end of this day while my heart still hurts, I see logic is the whole picture. I want someone who is secure in who they are and what they want. I want someone who is sure they want me. I see things that I want more out of a man than what "Saved by the Bell" actually has right now because of his inexperience. While today may still suck a little, it is nice to see that even though I think I know what is best for me, I don't see the whole picture. God does. He knows exactly what each of us need and just as importantly to me, who each of us need. It all works out. I know that. I will keep praying for God's will, even when I think I know what is better. Because in the end, I would rather have His choicest blessings than the ones I can imagine. His blessings will always be better.

Today is a New Day

I am writing this blog without my name because I will be completely honest about my feelings and what is happening. I think that we all go through things that are hard for us but struggle with feeling alone and that no one understands. I hope by me being honest, seriously honest, this will help someone.