Who Knew That Could Happen?

For the first time in my entire life, the person I go to for every relationship piece of advice and every single time, seriously, like every time, puts my mind at peace brought up stress where there was peace. Who knew that could happen? I guess there is a first for everything. :) What she said was spot on in the way she meant it. But I guess I had already come to a conclusion in my head and that threw it off. Two other people had the same effect. I felt so much peace and then all of a sudden, these things being brought up(with help from my brain) stressed me out a lot and made me wonder if I was wrong and the peace I felt wrong? Had I come to the wrong conclusion? Had I misinterpreted the peace I felt? Should I push him away? Should I stop being his friend like Janice told me to do? Should I play the game and never text him first or talk to him first? Should I go to softball? Is he being careless with me and my feelings and I am letting him screw me over? Needless to say, all of these things were brought up inside because of having 3 very different conversations. I know that not one of these people wanted to make me feel anxious or stressed. They just wanted to protect me because they love me and don't want to see me get hurt.

One thing that I thought was so inspired that Paige said yesterday at lunch was that there are friends with benefits. There are friends with physical benefits and friends with emotional benefits. Craig and I are the latter. Never in my life had I thought about this. But it is so true. While I believe that Craig isn't trying to take advantage or play a game, there are emotions there. He does respect my feelings and me because he is honest about where he is at and what he is thinking. He doesn't want me to wait around for him because he can't promise me he will be there. I don't want to wait around for him because I love myself enough to want someone who will want to be with me. Monday night I felt like maybe it would be good to not go to softball last night to just pull back a little. But then yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to go. I did want to see Craig because I won't see him until after I get back from my work trip late next week. But after Paige and I talked and I talked with a couple of others over the last few days, I was all sorts of confused. What 2 of these ladies who love me dearly have seen me do in the past is hold on and not move on in the past. I did it with Ian, I did it with Nick and a few others. These 2 ladies have held me up and have had to be there to pick me back up after the heartbreaks. But that was when my brain was ONLY black and white. I didn't know how to hang out in the gray with it. It was either not give up on us all together and be in it if it came back or the opposite, be completely done and push them out of my life. What I have been trying to do with Craig is be his friend and know that there are feelings there, but they may or may not turn into something. If that isn't gray, I don't know what is. It isn't easy.

On Monday night I had decided I wanted to pull back to give myself some space because I did care for him more after our talk on Sunday. So pulling back my feelings a bit, especially because he is going out and seeking to date other girls is a good idea. I had already decided that on Sunday. I had already decided that I wasn't going to wait for him, I was going to keep moving forward. Unlike in previous times with other men, this time I am actually doing it. I am seeking to go out with other guys and very open to it. I am looking forward to seeing Brad. I told him about the other guys on Sunday night so he also knew that I wasn't waiting around for him. But I was at peace of not knowing what was up ahead and I had hope for it. Real, honest hope. I had hope that it could work out with Craig and I. But I also had hope that whatever it was that was coming was going to be the right thing, regardless if it included Craig or not. Yes, of course I want it to work out with this man who is my friend, who I have feelings for and who has feelings for me AND I actually trust him and his is a great man. Of course I want that, but just a little bit more, I want what is best and I don't know what that is and I can't see it. Heavenly Father does. I don't have control over this. I felt such incredible peace about it that Craig dating other girls wasn't killing me, it was understood and expected. He may end up with a different type of girl, he may end up with me. I have absolutely no clue. But pushing him out of my life won't solve that. I have to be at peace. I have to let life happen instead of trying to control it. That is hard for me but I am doing it. I still go back to that peace and the caring of that night. Yes, I want to be with Craig, but I want Heavenly Father's will more.

Over the last year I have grown a lot. While I don't like the gray very much because it isn't perfectly comfortable to me, I have had a lot of precious experiences with it with Paige, Matt, Craig that have helped me grow in this. I have been forced to live in the gray. I have been doing it for a year. I am finally able to find peace on my own and through Heavenly Father instead of just relying solely on others for their peace. What an incredible thing for me to overcome. Truly the only ones who will understand how big this is are those who I placed everything on. The funny thing about all of this is that the those 2 girls and I were saying the same thing the whole time and it was exactly what I am doing. Moving forward, trying to protect my own feelings and backing off of them a bit, but still being true to what is happening in the moment instead of trying to push it out. I feel peace in a way I don't know if I have ever felt it before. It doesn't point one way or the other, it just means that I am good where I am at in this exact moment.