Gotta Get This Out

I don't know if my post today is going to make any sense, but I have to write it to get it out of me. Writing helps calm me down and make sense of things. Hopefully it will at least do the first.

First, as for my last post, Craig never hooked up with anyone. Silly man was sitting in his freaking hotel room watching Sports Center when he got the text and thought to himself that he would wait until the next morning and text me then with a vague response. I have met my match. Boo. But on Saturday I sent him a text that said I was not ignoring him and hoped that he had a nice flight back. Well, he responded and asked why he would think I was ignoring him. I did ignore that comment, but answered the other texts throughout the day. He continued on all of his texts throughout the day to point out that I had still not answered his question until finally that night I said that I wasn't going to answer it. Not bratty, just matter of fact. He responded with a great text that I could picture him saying all bratty. :) "Um, what? I thought we could talk about things." So I responded that I didn't think there was a reason to talk because I wasn't ignoring him and he didn't think I was ignoring him so we were good. We continued to text a few more and we were good. Then Sunday he asked me how the rest of the game was and I sent him some pics. After that, we didn't talk until last night when I got home at ward temple night. That is when, IN the Temple, I told him he couldn't lie and if he really did hook up last weekend. He said no. I told him he was a jerk.

But can I just tell you, it was SO GOOD to see him. I was so happy when I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car. Then he got a haircut and it looked good. In one night my goals of trying to keep my heart back fell. I care about him. I want to be with him. I am not feeling very patient. But I can't control anything he does. And of course I don't want to, but I kind of do. I have two dates this weekend and I don't even want to go because I freaking just want Craig to take me out and be with me. Good hell people, this is ridiculous. I'm terrified of getting hurt. Now, later, both and it is possible it will happen but I can't live my life in fear. All of my actions are based on not getting hurt and to play the game right. Well, nothing I am doing seems to be working. But really, maybe it is and I just don't see what is happening behind the scenes. Two Sundays ago, I was okay with that. I was okay with letting him do his thing and in his timing because I am doing mine. Well, that is a bunch of crap today. It may not be crap tomorrow but today, I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be with him. But that's pretty intense and scary to guys. I don't want to scare him away.

Last night in the Temple, I was thinking of whether it was that I wanted to be with Craig or that I wanted him to choose me. Those are two very different things. One is a relationship, the other is satisfying my need for self-esteem. I have to be honest, I think it is both at times. I would say all of the time it is wanting to be with him. It's because I feel like myself with him and I feel safe. But the unhealthy part of me wants that proof that a man will see my worth and choose me. That part doesn't have to do with Craig at all, that is all my self-esteem and stems from my abandonment.

Next, while I was still in Chicago on Wednesday I felt so incredibly anxious. I couldn't pinpoint it. I was trying to think of why I felt that way. I can usually figure it out with going through what I had done in the last couple of hours to see why the shift in feelings. But I couldn't think of anything. I just felt anxious. I called my sister because that usually helps. It did help and I asked her to pray that I would be safe and that I would feel safe. Feeling safe is a HUGE thing for me. I need it. That's why Matt and Craig have been in my story so much, they are the men I feel safe with. Anyway, it did help. But before while I was thinking of why I was feeling anxious, I thought of the worst things that could happen. I could die on the way to the airport, before, on the plane, or in any other way. I could be disfigured and then my worst fear would come true and I would never get married. Then I thought of last year when I was coming home from Cabo with Paige and I just felt horrible inside. I literally cried the whole way to the airport and some of the flight home. I had this pit in my stomach that I knew that bad things were coming with Ian and that it was going to be really hard. And boy was it. Worst thing I have even been through because of all it brought up. So while I was thinking of reasons for my anxiousness, I started to stress that it was happening again but that it was with Craig this time and that it was going to hurt, bad in the future. Yes, my mind does go to the worst possible things. I am working on that. But one thing that I just realized of a difference between the two feelings of anxiousness and of the feeling of the pit in my stomach. They are very different feelings and by the time I flew out of Chicago, my anxiousness was pretty much gone. The pit in my stomach from Ian only got worse because it became such a reality. I also realized that if the plane went down, I would be sad that Craig and my time never happened and we never had the chance at us. I am being SO honest right now on this thing. Nope, Craig doesn't get to read this. But I think that is when I started to realize my goals of being able to take a step back by going to Chicago failed. But back to my train of thought with this. I was looking at the worst things and the anxiousness only got worse with the fear I was feeling. It was paralyzing. I actually thought for a second that maybe I shouldn't get on the plane. This morning while I was talking with Kristen, she said that everything I have done and do are a means to not get hurt and to try and avoid it because I am so scared of getting hurt. Well, that is true. Now that I know, I want to go tell Craig that I am scared but that I still get he has to figure it out. Don't worry, if I say something to him it will be in context and not out of the blue. I don't want to chase him away. I don't want to be too intense. But after talking with him last night, he doesn't like to chase. I think he is like me, if the person you are interested in is making you jealous with someone else and they are trying to be with the other "jealous" person, I don't try harder, I walk away. I think Craig is the same. I don't want to play the game. I just want to be me. I want to just be his friend and let happen what is going to happen or not happen. Yes, I am not feeling patient. But I see the value of being patient even if I don't want to be. I can't control him. I don't want to. I do want to be with him and not miss our chance. If we do, then that is how it was supposed to be whether I like it or not. I don't want to have a game plan. I just want to live in the day. I was so concerned this weekend about pulling my heart back that I went to the other side of stressing about him texting me. My sister asked me why I was so stressed about it because it was a good thing??? I was so concerned about pulling back that I wasn't able to just be in the moment. I really struggle with that at times. Sometimes I am really great at it. I hope to be better at it this weekend.