Heavenly Father thinks he is funny :)

What a weekend. I really think that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor. I definitely don't get it sometimes but I am sure it will be funny later...or at least for the best.

Friday. I felt like I should organize something for Craig's roommate to celebrate because he had just passed a big test. I did. Craig invited friends as well. Craig invited Maren. It was really hard. Maren arrived and I became invisible to Craig. What was harder was that I could see how he showed interest in me was exactly what he was doing with her. I tried to keep my face up and act fine. I wasn't though. I drove around after thinking about things. There were some things that stuck out to me. One, I felt like second string, I felt like the back up. And it felt so wrong. I didn't feel like I belonged there. This will show the difference from last year to this year but I didn't feel like I was raised(by Heavenly Father) to be a second option. I felt like I was great and cute and fun and I wanted someone to think about me that way and to love me for me and not just because the other girl didn't work out. I was raised to be the first and best girl in one mans life. Or at least one. The next part was hard and took reminding: Maren isn't better than me even if he wants to be with her more. She is different. But she is the type of girl that all guys seem to want, cute and a bit air headed. I really do like Maren and think she is great. I just wish that she wasn't the one that Craig wanted. But she is and I still like her. Before I go on with some other thoughts I want to bring up something from the beginning of July.

Every month I fast for something important to me. Last month I fasted for the situation with Craig. I acknowledged when I did it that asking for Heavenly Father to help guide me with it and guide Craig with it was not asking just for what I wanted and dating him, but it was asking for whatever the best thing was for both of us to happen, whatever that may be. I acknowledged that could mean that it would pull us apart as well.

On Friday night I was upset about feeling that way. I wasn't necessarily mad at Craig, just sad that he clearly wasn't over her and wanted to be with her. I knew that I couldn't pull a black and white decision on the situation because it was so gray already. You know my first thought was to be done but I held back going forward with that because it wasn't the best answer. While thinking about being done, something happened that I didn't really expect. I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to be with Craig. That thought shocked me a little bit. This whole time I have talked myself into being attracted to him. With his other qualities, they far outweighed the lack in attraction and I had been talking myself into being attracted to him. The other thing that I thought that should have been a tip off was that I felt complete clarity and peace about Craig not being my romantic partner, life felt like it would be good and it left me open to other men. I didn't have to be with him. I wish I could explain these feelings better. All I know is that they were from above because of the peace and clarity.

Saturday morning I woke up and was still unsure what to do and feel. Then as I listened to some scriptures and prayed, I just felt like I should write him an email. Which isn't out of the norm for me, but it wasn't what I was leaning towards. But my thought on it was that I am good enough friends with him and our relationship is very honest and open that it was better that he knew what I was thinking than to analyze something completely different. I wrote it and I felt good about it. I sent it and he replied.

Saturday night I had this date thing with a match-maker thing. Basically they only chose 20 women and 20 men to participate and each would have 3 "dates" throughout the night and then a group activity at the end. I was really looking forward to it because it was a sign of me moving forward and forgetting Craig for the night and meeting new men who I could potentially date. Dates 1 and 3 were no gos. Date 2 was absolutely great and better than I would have ever expected. He was very attractive(seriously, it's the smile that gets me...Craigs smile never makes me weak like this one and Ian's did, smart, sassy, loved food and was ambitious. He was maybe half an inch shorter than me. Sad, but I overlooked it. We had a blast and talked the whole time and flirted. He didn't look away at anyone else, we were in the zone. I found out he lives in San Antonio. Well after the date he had a new girl. Guess what her name was? Maren. Not my friend Maren, a different one. And guess what else? She was hot and small and blonde and air headed. And guess what else?? He followed her around the rest of the night like a sick puppy. I was actually really upset by this. Then I was upset with Heavenly Father because all I could think was he gave me the same feelings and experience two nights in a row with a girl with the SAME NAME! You've got to be kidding me, right??! I had also gone into it not expecting a ton until I got along so well with Brian(date 2) and then it fell apart. I just wanted something to fall back on with the Craig stuff and to keep moving forward and in my mind, that meant dating. So needless to say, it didn't turn out how I expected it to.

Sunday morning I woke up just feeling a little beaten down. But a thought came into my mind and reminded me that I had fasted about Craig and I and that maybe this was what was supposed to be happening right then. It may be that he and I aren't going to make it work. Maybe that was the right thing to happen, even if I didn't like it. So it helped calm me a little and I just trusted that my ridiculous experiences had a purpose. I went to church and it was fine. After church Craig sent me a text to see if we were good. I wrote him back honestly and said overall yes. I still didn't know what I was doing but all I knew were the feelings I had on Friday. What to do with those, who knows? But I told him I didn't give him the chance to say much and I would listen if he did have something. He said okay and after ward prayer we ended up talking.

He said that he is sure he isn't going to ask me out. He said he is 99% sure that we wouldn't work out in the end. He also said he just had this feeling it wasn't going to work. At first I wasn't really happy about this. But we kept talking and it was a good talk. He expressed that Maren and I and Trevor are his best friends right now. He expressed that he cared for me as a person. I told him I knew that because he was there talking with me about it. There was a lot said and what I got from the conversation is that he isn't going to ever ask me out or date me, he cares a lot about me and still very much wants to be my friend but will give me the space I need, that he feels bad for having to do this. He said that he had been trying to talk himself into it(I told him that I had talked myself into him :))and he didn't know why not except for past experiences. I don't know what those are and really, I am just going to let that go. He left and I felt peace. I love my friendship with him because most of what I will write next is stuff I told him.

Last year I was very mad at Heavenly Father for not letting it work out with Ian because I felt I was being led down that path for that reason and everything fell apart. This year I have really tried to be okay with whatever the best option is according to God. I really don't have control over it all. In fact, I only have control over how I react to things that come. The hardest thing for me to let go of with Craig is that he is such a good, good man. I know he will keep his faith(at least I think I know) and will be there for his wife and children. Those things outweighed so much for me and they are the things that are hard for me to let go. The other thing is that I truly trust Craig with so much and it has taken 7 months for this. That is work and in a way, it feels like it was in vain. Of course it wasn't, but welcome to my brain. Now I have to start from scratch and with trust issues, it just feels overwhelming. But last night as I was in my room after, I prayed about being able to find someone who will choose the Lord first and his family and I felt good inside that it is coming. I hope for that. Craig is great and really so very close to what I want, but he wasn't exactly what I want. If I felt relieved last Friday night that I didn't have to be with him, than deep down, this is the best path. This is my time to be able to show that I will accept whatever will comes from above even if I don't like it or wanted something else. Most important for me is trusting that He knows best and is actually doing what is best for me. I think I have always thought that if I am hurting than something is wrong. That isn't the case. This will hurt and I will be sad but I do think it is for the best because of the way it happened. I want to be able to let my romantic feelings go completely so that I can be his friend because he is a great friend.

The last thing is trying to see the hand of the Lord. While this doesn't make me feel good, Maren and Craig talked about a week ago and some of what she said opened up his thoughts to her again a lot. I really think this has a purpose regardless if they end up dating or not. Craig has now come to the conclusion twice that he doesn't think we would work out after thinking a lot about it. I don't necessarily agree with him because I haven't tried it, but what I trust is that it isn't going to happen or supposed to happen because if it was, we would be getting closer together and things would be falling into place instead of falling apart. I was the one who prayed for direction on this and my prayer was answered. It wasn't answered at all in the way I had hoped, but I believe that it was in the best way for my best future. I just hope my future with a great and wonderful and attractive man comes quicker rather than taking its time. I will hurt, I will be sad, but I will be okay. Now it is time to look for the happy that comes in each day. It will be there.