Perfect Timing

I love good friends. I love them even more when they are inspired to say something that I need. I got an email from a friend this morning who wrote, "I loved your testimony on Sunday. Heavenly Father knows YOU! All your hopes and dreams are going to come true. Be patient and relax. We love you." Now my first thought was how sweet this woman is. Next I thought how perfect it was that she said to be patient and relax because I wasn't doing a very good job of that last night or this morning. Then third I thought, oh no! Did my testimony come out all desperate like??!! Because that was NOT at all how it was supposed to come out. The other great thing is that I get to see one of my very best friends today. It really couldn't come at a better time. She is amazing at calming me, especially when it comes to dating. I am grateful for the timing of both of these things, they are truly inspired.

It's interesting to me to see how in a moment you can feel such peace and understanding and comfort and feel like you will never lose that to the next night going back to fear and stress. In my mind, I always worry that even though it was good and fine on Sunday night, what if it all has changed by Monday? This causes me stress and it is really ridiculous. Sunday was filled with so much peace but then a friend brought up some points that I started to let fear back in. On Sunday night, I understood and was okay that Craig was going out and trying to be with other types. I understood why and felt so much peace about all of it. I am not waiting around, I am moving forward as well. But I am living in the grayest I have ever lived. I do like him, he likes me but nothing is happening right now. And yes, thinking of him with other girls is not exactly an uplifting thought. In fact, it will hurt. But the one thing that I prayed for last night was for Heavenly Father's will and that even if I get hurt, that I will believe the best is happening in the end and that it is going to be worth it. What I am doing now is something I have never done well. I am being patient and letting someone make their own choices without feeling that I have any sort of control over them. I am giving up all of the power. I am also understanding that I don't know what is coming in the future and to not freak out about that and every option and bad experience that COULD happen, not necessarily what WILL happen. I can't see the future, I don't know what is going to happen and Sunday, I felt okay about that. That is a part of accepting Heavenly Father's will for me and really trusting in Him that it will be best. It could mean a great amount of pain, it could be the greatest joy I have ever felt, the only one who knows is the one above. Last year I wanted Ian and I wanted to be with him so much it killed me for many reasons and not all of them because it was specifically Ian. I was so angry after with Heavenly Father for taking it away from me...SO ANGRY because I felt like I was being led to Ian. I don't want to have that happen again. Yes, everything that I went through with Ian was truly horrible and I am still not exactly grateful for that pain, but I am incredibly grateful for the things that came out of that. I am so much better all around. So while I am not exactly grateful for that pain, I see the good that came from it. I couldn't see it in my pain. But I see it now. So if that kind of pain is in my future, and in one way or another it will come again, I don't want to be angry with Heavenly Father again. I want to want His will. I can't control Craig and his choices. I can't make him want to be with me, I can't force that. I can't force the timing. I don't want to either. Yes, I would love to give us a shot and I do care for him a lot but I will be okay if it doesn't work out. For it to be right with us, he has to choose it, I have to choose it and Heavenly Father has to be on board. I felt that Heavenly Father was leading me with Ian and I had finished writing that story and then all of a sudden everything fell apart and to pieces. So yes, everything with Craig feels so good and being with him is like being with a friend and feels safe and good and trustworthy, but I don't want to write our story before it happens. It may not happen. I keep saying this over and over but I just want what's best to happen and I have no clue as to what that is and I want to be okay with that and stop trying to control it and the outcome because I can't. This is hard. But somehow it is going to all be worth it. I wish I could just let fear go all together and not let it back in, but it will keep trying to get back in. I just want to be strong enough to keep letting it go.