Harder but not hard

This whole week has been such a blessing. I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for it. On Monday night I was laughing, joking, enjoying my night without this great hurt in my heart. How much of a change is that from every other time? Those feelings have continued on throughout the entire week. I have been my normal self. I think it is for a couple of reasons.

I remember Paige having a "freebie" with a guy she dated. After it was done, she didn't have those sad feelings and just got over it right after it happened. I really so far feel like that is what is happening here. I haven't seen Craig and I will have to on Sunday and that is when it gets a little more difficult but I just keep reminding myself that I felt relief when I thought that I didn't have to be with Craig. I believe that was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that this is the best thing for me, even if it wasn't what I wanted. I think it is His grace that is making me okay and actually happy. I also am not mad at Craig. I don't have anger issues towards him and I would like to be his friend. I know he cares about me as a friend. Maybe that helps too. It isn't black or white, it is completely gray.

The other thing that I believe has helped me is counseling. It was amazing to sit down with Janice on Monday at my session and see how different I am from last year. Having something not work out is hard and it will hurt. Hurt doesn't mean that it is wrong, how I used to view it. It means that I invested myself into something important to me. It's okay that it hurts because that is what makes me healthy and human. The other thing is that I am not cutting Craig out of my life forever. I am looking to get rid of these feelings so I can be his friend and have it be a healthy situation for both of us. That has NEVER happened before. When this happens usually, we are done.

Above all, the most important thing still hangs true for me. I want to accept and choose Heavenly Father's will for me in my life above what I really think I want. I can't see the future. He can. I just keep trying to remind myself that up ahead is way better than where I am now or have been. It will have challenges I am sure, but it will also have great blessings. Today is harder because I want my time to be now for marriage and for a man who chooses me first and a man that I want at the same time. I feel healthy. I feel like I could get married and not screw up my marriage and children. I have learned such a huge amount over the last year and I will continue to learn and grow. So today I want what I want, but more than that, I still want what God wants more. I really do. I will keep reminding myself of that and why. It's going to be okay. :) It's going to be really great one day for me when I get to marry the best man for me in the Temple. I can't wait for that. But I will wait, for the best timing and way and person. His will, not mine.