I get it

I will admit it, I noticed...and possibly missed a little, Craig while he was on vacation. It was actually very cute. He sent me a picture of him and his niece on Friday night eating a pile(literally) of seafood in Seattle. With the picture he asked if I wasn't busy the next night if I could pick him up. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he likes me. :) But we already knew that.

I picked him up and I really tried to focus on being his friend and not giving him so much flack about asking me out. I really felt good about it. He told me all about his vacation and his cute niece. He hesitantly asked about my week. Then when I told him certain activities he wanted to know who I was with. :) But I dropped him off and he told me that he was going to go to Voodoo Doughnuts and get me one but it was a 45 minute wait. It was a nice thought. I felt that I was good at just being his friend and not sending the intense vibes that I am pretty sure I send without meaning to.

Last night after ward prayer, Jeff, Craig and I ended up talking for a while. We talked about fun stuff. :) But then after Jeff left I told Craig I wanted to talk with him quick. One thing that I really appreciate about Craig and I is the fact that we can talk, about anything. When I was with my counselor last week we were talking about how I would tell him how I don't mean to be intense even though it comes off that way. She said that was great and that I should do that if I felt up to it. I started with telling him that first and foremost he is my friend and I value our friendship. I told him that he knows where I stand but when I banter with him I am not in anyway trying to put pressure on him. I am just having fun with him. We ended up talking about a few things. I told him I felt like I knew where he was at. I told him that I thought that he was trying to weigh his options. He had Maren and Olga there and he wasn't sure about them and if he took me out a couple of times, I could see that he felt that we would get into a relationship and get married and that left out time to figure it out with the other two. I told him that is what I thought but that I wasn't sure because I don't know what is in his heart or in his head. I told him I thought he was scared. I also said that I knew he was looking for a wife right now and he has these options and he just isn't sure. He was quiet but I don't know how else to describe our conversation but that it was peaceful and understanding. I told him that I got where he was coming from because I was doing the same thing except with other guys. I told him about Brad and how I have had a question mark about him since my mission and I told Craig we were going to a wedding together in August. I told him that I don't tell him about my dates or other guys and that I wasn't waiting. He said he didn't want me to wait because he couldn't tell me for sure what would happen but that he didn't want me to be done(basically is what was said) either. I told him that I got that and that I wanted to make sure he knew that I saw where he was coming from and why he was doing it. I really just have to say again, there was so much peace to this conversation and caring. Then he said that the other girls he was looking at dating weren't better, they were just different. He said that I was the same type he had always dated and he just needed to see because all of the types like me never worked out and he wanted to know if it was a type or what. I told him I knew that they weren't better but they were a different experience and one that he needed to check out. I told him about my friend who has regrets because she didn't try for a relationship with this guy before she married her husband. I told him that I would never want that in me or in anyone. I also told him that I believed in timing. I told him I really most wanted what Heavenly Father's will was. That was most important to me. But I told him that with this timing, who knew what was going to happen. I told him that my focus was to just live in the day and not stress about whether he was going to ask me out or what would happen in the future with him or with Brad. I told him that I stopped trying to force myself to stop being interested in him and that I was just living in the day and if I liked him that day, well than I did and if I liked Brad, well than I did and if I thought all men were ridiculous, well than I did. I told him no rush but because I am still dating, I may not be around or interested when he figures it out with the other types. It wasn't a mean way. I told him that I thought that he would feel like he missed out on me if we did miss our chance. I told him it was because of how we are together and because I knew me. But I was very reassuring about whatever is going to happen is going to happen and that I had no idea what that was. I also said that I haven't rushed into marriage yet and I don't plan on doing it now. At some point in all of this he asked that if he asked me out in two months, but not saying it was going to happen(men are ridiculous) would I say yes? Then he stopped and said if I was feeling the way I did then(he said it because I said I didn't know where I would be, for all I knew I could be moved to Louisville to give Brad and I a chance...how likely is this? Not super likely, but it proved my point). I told him yes. I told him he knew that I liked him and I did because I really thought he was great. I didn't know where I would be then but if I felt the way I did then, it would be a yes. It seemed to put him at ease. We banter but I think he really just wanted to hear it. Not so much for his pride, but just to know. I also told him about my thoughts about him and liking him enough to not kiss Matt in Houston. I told him if nothing else happened, it was good because that would have been a hard situation. I also told him that I am learning and have learned so much from this and being in the gray. I told him right now is the hardest because I know that he likes me and I like him but nothing is happening. I told him it was such a good lesson for me and one I have to learn. Then we went on a tangent into his sister and some comment and he said it was getting weird. Then he said that it doesn't ever get weird with us. I told him that was true and one thing that I like about him because we had no issues with hard conversations. Then we left and he asked if I was going to go to FHE and I said yes.


When I left, I just felt so much peace. There still is no guarantee that anything will happen between us and everything up ahead is unknown. Today, I care about him a lot and last night just made me care a bit more because of how we communicate. It just felt good.

I was serious about wanting what Heavenly Father wants more than anything. I mean it. It's such a hard thing to want when being with Craig just feels great and right. But I want to believe that whatever happens in the future is the best and greatest, not just hard. That is the part I have been focusing on, the hard part if Craig chooses a different girl and realizes that she is his best fit and not me. It could happen and it may not. That is the part of the unknown and trusting God that is hard for me. I don't want to hurt. But I want to trust that if I do have to, that it is what is the best for me. So that is what I am doing my best to trust in. Craig is cute. He wants to read this blog. Bless his heart. :)