Terrifying

Let's just put this out there. I have been in many similar situations as I am in today regarding being interested in someone and dating them. Never before have these situations turned out well. I am in that spot where I see all that has happened in the past and it makes me fear so much. I want to run. I want him to choose to be with me. I can't make that happen. Up ahead are a ton of unknowns. He could choose me, he could choose someone else, he could just simply choose not to be with anyone and there are even more options that I don't even know. This is the part in the gray that is the absolute hardest for me. It is the place where I know that I care enough to know that I want what I want and I really want Heavenly Father to want that too. In the past, my will and His have not met up in this area. I do want it to meet up this time finally, but what if it doesn't, again? What if it does? Fear is the bane of my existence. I have never been so ready for a counseling session. It is Monday and I am holding on with everything. I have to not let the crazy out. :) One very inspired thought came to me last night as I was in a full puddle of my own anxiety. I was upset and stressed about having to play the game perfectly, each part so it can finally work this time. I wanted to text him and tell him I have a date this weekend so really I am not waiting to keep the stupid mystery there. I was trying to figure what I can do to make him do what I want him to do, to just give us a shot. I was incredibly anxious. The thought came into my mind that it won't matter whether I play the games or not, whether I play them perfectly or not, the end result is still going to be the same because the end is God's will for my life. If it is His will that Craig and I end up together and we both choose that, then it is going to happen regardless of the games and lame mystery. But even if I play them perfectly, look gorgeous each time I see him and be perfect, if it isn't in God's will and if he and I don't choose each other, than nothing I do will change that. That brought a moment of peace. I wish I would let myself feel it longer. My sister also had some wise words. I called her after I saw him at institute last night and we joked after and talked. I told him I wasn't waiting for him, he made make out comments about Heidi to get a rise out of me(he loves this) and I left feeling more off than before. But when I got to institute I saw his car and was so relieved and excited that I would get to see him. Then he left to go on visits. I wasn't sure whether he was going to come back or not and I was really looking forward to just being in the same room as he was yesterday. Yes, yes, I do like him a lot, dang it. He was gone for about an hour and then he came walking back in. It was SO good to see him walk back in. And he came up to me after and asked how I was. We bantered and then left. It is hard to not have a plan with us going forward, like are you seriously EVER going to just ask me out?! That is SO hard in my brain and to just be where I am in the gray with this, but this is exactly where I need to grow. YUCK! But back to my sister's wise comment. She said that last night was good and I got to see him and it was frustrating. But overall, I got to see him and that is good. I was anxious and that helped me try and stop feeling everything and bring logic back into the mix. That was a true statement. I did get to see him and I was happy. It is frustrating but I can't control what he does or when he does it. I guess I just don't want to just be sitting there still waiting if/when he is moved on and decided he doesn't want to proceed with me. That has happened to me before. Hence how this all brings me and my feelings back to the terrifying place. So here I sit with a gloom and stress in my heart, in my emotion center when if I can just get the logic to stick in there, I would be better. I hope it stays for a while. I'm grateful to those who help me keep going.