I am just going to document my ridiculous dating(if we're being technical here, dating isn't even the right term) life so I can look back at it and laugh, cry and curse men...or maybe all 3! :) The one word that describes all of this: ridiculous.
Let's begin on Friday. I know that telling lies is bad, but this time, it may have actually helped me. While it wasn't a full blown lie, it for sure wasn't true as true is. I was invited to go camping with Craig and friends on Friday night. By 10am I knew that there was no way I was leaving before 8 or 9 that night. I still did want the option to go but still wasn't sure if after 13.5 hours I was going to be up to driving up the canyon and finding them, let alone the fact that I still needed to go to the gym. But I didn't want to use a lame excuse like working, even if it was true. So I have 2 clients and I really love them. One is a man and one is a woman and neither one had a date to their dinner that night. So while telling my clients about an idea and they said that they would be my date. :) So while I could have easily sent Heidi a text telling her I had plans, I decided to go for the wiser idea and post it on the event page on FB! Yes, I sure did. I said I had a date but would try and get up there if it didn't go as late. Don't judge me because you know you would do the same thing!...and if not, good job for being a better person. What I know is that Craig sees just about everything I post on Facebook AND he was already on this event page so he would have had the notification. Yep, and he saw it and apparently, it worked like a charm. :) Let me insert here that games in dating are LAME...but sometimes necessary. So back to the story. I didn't go that night and I felt great about it. Let him sit up there maybe thinking I may come or I may not...:) I went to the gym after I got off after dinner and then I went home and watched Modern Family. It was a lovely night. And I hope that Craig was thinking about me on a date. But before we leave Friday, around 4pm, Craig sent me a text about boot camp the next morning. We have talked about it for a long time and I knew this was the week he could come but I was not going to text him first. He said he was coming. My favorite comment came from Paige, "Hmmm...that's interesting...just kick his trash:-)" So it was decided that I would not hold back and let him feel like a man, I was going to kick his trash. :)So on to Saturday...
I did kick his trash. :) I will say that this boot camp was REALLY rough and hard for me. He held his own well. Things that I noticed while doing boot camp: I went to wipe all of the sweat off of my face with the bottom of my shirt, he stared at my stomach(which never sees the light of any day so it could have been blinding...) and he joked with me by playfully hitting me...you know he just wanted to touch me. :)After we were done and most everyone had started walking back up, Amy, Kelli, Matt, Craig and I were left just talking. I introduced Craig to Matt. The first thing that comes out of Craig's mouth was, "so you're the one who called me a dumbass?" I can't even begin to explain the awkwardness that just hung there for a minute. I was caught off guard. Matt wasn't expecting it either and looked confused. I told Matt that he called him a Lame ass a couple months ago and Matt said, "yep, that sounds like something I would say." I changed the subject REALLY fast and we all started walking up to our cars. Then after we all left, I started to get annoyed. I get men do that, but really?! Anyway, so after Craig sends me a text asking if I had caught up on Burn Notice(we both love that show)and I said I hadn't. So I went home and showered quick and headed over to his house. His roommate was there and a girl in our ward who was just passing by while running and they with Craig were all outside. We all chatted about a new pizza place that just opened up. Craig and I went inside. One thing about what we were watching is that I hadn't seen the second episode and he had, but he still watched the second one with me. By the time the third one was ending we had inched ourselves closer on the couch and our knees were touching(big deal!!...not...but it was progress). After we were done he wanted to touch me so he grabbed my knee while trying to prove a point. I just think he wants to touch me(sounds dirty, I don't mean it that way. I just mean it when you want to be touching someone else and closer to them). So I left and did not expect to hear anything. On the way home my sister called me while I was waiting for a pizza at that new place. I told her all that had happened so far and she said that I didn't sound excited about it and it was really good. I told her I was trying to play it down inside preparing for his next freakout. I will go more into this at the end. Around 7 I get a text from him asked about how that pizza place was. I told him and then he said they were going to go but ended up somewhere else. So then I thought that was the end of it. I was at a BBQ with friends and then I was going to see Matt's playoff game. Around 9 Craig sends me a text and asks me what I was up to. I told him and asked him what he was doing. He said they were playing Pickle ball(SO FUN!!)and needed more people. I told him the game was ending and ended up asking where they were. I figured it was the same old people we are always with. One thing too was that he was REALLY good about wanting to get me there and asking if I was coming and being prompt on his responses. Seriously, I need to go on more fake dates....actually I would take real ones too. :) I arrived at the house and it was a whole bunch of people I didn't know. Craig was going to take off because he was literally falling asleep while we were all standing there. He only got 3-4 hours of sleep camping the night before. So I sent him a thank you text after for inviting me.
Sunday. I saw him in church...and I made sure I looked good. We didn't talk during our ward but I sent him a text about 10 minutes before the broadcast(I fought with myself whether to send it or not) telling him that I imagined he was hungry(He had been at church since 9am) and if he wanted snacks I was on such and such row. Craig has told me that he is weird about people seeing us and talking. It is ridiculous. He is worried about his calling and gossip and whatever else. It's lame but to a point, I get it. Landon was already on the pew with me to my left. Craig plops down next to me and said the food got him there. I told him people might see. He said he had already thought about that and worried about it. I told him he was ridiculous. (new favorite word) Then through the whole broadcast I wanted to just be near him or touch his arm or something. And I was attracted to him so much. That scared me and was good all at the same time. I touched his arm when I asked him something and it just seemed like there was chemistry there between us. After it got over we were walking out and I asked him when he came back from Nashville and he told me. I told him he won't see me for 3 weeks. He said that was sad for me. I repeated what he said and he said, yes, it will be sad for you. I told him it was going to be sad for him because I would be stuck in his head. He said, "while on my vacation?" I told him yes. He said, "you keep thinking that." I told him it was going to happen. And really, I think it will.
That is where we stand as of this moment. Last night, I cared more for him and I kept trying to pull myself out of it. I have been praying a lot to just be in the moment and not stress about the future and not obsess about the past. So as I was thinking about all of that this morning, I decided that today, I am going to like Craig, a lot. Tomorrow I may not but tomorrow will bring what it does. Even if I try and tell myself that I am not interested or care for him right now, I know how I really feel. He doesn't need to necessarily know that although I know he can probably tell. But if it doesn't happen between us or if he chooses someone else, then I will hurt over it regardless if I tell myself today we are only friends. But regardless of my feelings, I am going to try and still go out and date. Tonight I am going to FHE and I am going to try and work it. Hard, yes, but I need to keep moving. I am scared to get hurt but if it happens, than I guess that is what is going to happen. I hate that, but I can't control this situation or if Craig is going to hurt me. So here's to trusting in Heavenly Father and HIS plan, whatever it is. I really mean that. I want to not be mad at Him if it doesn't work out the way I want with Craig. I want to just trust in Him unlike with Ian. Yes, I want to be with Craig, but I want what He wants more. I say it and I mean it, I just need to keep meaning it.
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