Last night while at a softball game, I saw a picture of Ian and Taylynn. It was their engagement photo. My first thought was "anyone but her," my next thought was, "eww, he looks bad but I bet he thinks he looks good." He seriously tried to buff up and before when he did that it looked good because he slimmed down. Now he looks like the Hulk except not good...at all. He lost his neck somewhere along the way. But even with that, I started to cry. Not because I want to be with him or that I wanted to marry him, it's that he chose her over me. All of those dark and bad feelings from last year came flooding back in an instant. Those feelings that made me feel that she was better than me because he chose her over me. I am very grateful to Matt who 8 months ago one day said to me, "you always talk like she is better than you. She's not. She's not at all better than you. He didn't get the better girl." And with my close friends who I have told about his engagement have all had the same message, "you deserve better." While I can hear that and I believe all of my friends, my feelings are taking longer to agree. Why do we let these unhealthy feelings come in? The whole time during boot camp last night I was doing my very best to breathe because I couldn't stop crying. But I had to keep saying over and over and over and over in my head that I was okay and that I didn't want him and that she is NOT better than me and that I love myself. Seriously, for 45 straight minutes, I kept trying to think that. One thing I agree with Paige is that he isn't worth my time to even think about, let alone cry about. But it is more those unhealthy feelings and less him. But either way, I would like to move one from both. Last night in my prayers, I was at a point where I have never been. In my heart I was okay with whatever happened and that I don't know the best way, He does and if that is those two getting married, well then, that sucks in my book but His book is far more important. So in a sense, I have found some peace with the overall plan. It does suck being here alone. When I was talking to Matt last night I told him that I just picture Ian becoming a great man and putting her first and being who he wasn't to me. Logically I don't think he has changed and that was never even close to enough for me, but those bad feelings creep in. Especially because he is now graduated and is getting married in the Temple. He is living my dream with someone else. And that's what it is. It's my dream, he isn't my dream. But it still doesn't feel fair, even if it is the best and in the Lord's will. So all in all, that really sucked big time. There is a principle of compensation that I believe in and today I am trying harder than ever to hold on to believing that. It means that as crappy and as horrible as this whole situation has been, it will be made a hundred fold better than I could imagine. It won't be today. I just really hope it is soon. Who knows, I wouldn't mind seeing Ian in 15 years when I am still looking hot, happy and hopefully married to an amazing man who is good and Ian will be divorced because he was a douche to his wife and his kids and probably not active because of his love of drinking and wanting to be one of the crowd will catch up to him and all of his money. Maybe he will be a better man. Either way, I don't want to care. I just want to find the person who makes me forget he even existed.
While this makes life sound really hard, this has only been the last 15 hours. I have been so happy the last few months and I am so grateful for that. There are things that aren't necessarily settled yet with Craig yet and so we'll see what happens. I am going to Houston next week with Matt. Until last night I was really letting myself be more interested in Matt. But something changed in me a little when I saw that picture. It made me want the Temple and the full life I want more. I can't even begin to tell you how bad I want Matt to choose the gospel for himself because I will never go in trying to change him, but if he doesn't, I still really want the Temple more. It seemed to have put up my wall keeping us better friends there. Matt is just that, one of the greatest friends I have had and such a tender mercy to me over the last year. He is priceless. He has helped me learn how to trust a man and in him specifically. He treats me like I am very worth it. We have issues and we settle them and I don't think he is going to leave. I couldn't be more grateful to him. He is a very good man and I am grateful that I get to spend time with him.
I am grateful for the ups I have been having. Life hasn't been perfect and I don't have my dream yet, but I have felt so good. Last night made me even more grateful for the good times I have been having. This will all pass soon, but until then I will just keep trying to continually choose to have faith in a really good future for me. It will not al all be easy, but it is exactly what needs to happen. Peace out lame ass Ian.
1. She isn't better or worse, you aren't better or worse. You are both VERY different. I've always loved ice cream, so I use it in analogies often. If a man walks into an ice cream parlor and wants his favorite rocky road, but you are raspberry swirl, he still wants rocky road no matter how awesome raspberry swirl is. You may think rocky road is gross and subpar, but makes no difference to him:-) I hope that makes sense? Sometimes things aren't the best together, like baking soda and vinegar.
ReplyDelete2. You do deserve better. A better match. I sure do hope this isn't like rubbing salt in a wound, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd find a match as "better" for me as my Rob. It's ridiculous. He IS the guy I've been dreaming of since I was 16 (with slightly less muscle, amiright?). Everyone always says it is impossible, but it isn't. Hold out for the most "Better" you can...cause you deserve all of that AND MORE!!!!!
3. I LOVE YOU!!!!
4. I hope I get to lounge by the pool with you soon. My new place come September has a pool AND a hot tub;-)
I just love you Larissa. Thank you so much for commenting and being such a good and honest and loving friend. You are needed in my life and I am grateful for you.
DeleteI won't lie to you. Number 1 just pisses me off. :) I don't want to think about different. I am sure in a healthy world and not a pissed off one, it is right and true, but in my world right now, I hate him and while it isn't so much her fault as far as I know, I hate her too. They can both suck it. Ice cream flavor or not, at one time he really wanted the raspberry swirl and then changed his mind mid bite. So when I am in a better place, I am sure I will agree with you but until then, I am better than him and her. :)And the part that is funniest about this is that I don't want whatever kind of ice cream flavor he is... I bet his flavor is vomit. No wonder I don't want it. It comes down to the situation and timing of how it all went down and his actions. My counselor said I need to let the anger out because I haven't really let myself do that at all this whole year because contention is of the devil. Well, this time it is healthy and it will be gone soon. But I am embracing. :)
2. This is not rubbing salt in the wound at all. I loved this. I love hearing that. I love that you are happy and you found your best person. Holding out is really hard and I know you know that. But I am so deeply happy for you. It also brings me hope in my life that it will happen for me.
Yes to the pool and more yes to just seeing you. I understand if I have to wait until you've been married for a year. I will still be around and wanting you in my life. Forever. :) Love you.
Hey my CoCo...
ReplyDeleteI love the first lines of this and the very last line. I am so glad he looks terrible... for some reason, that helps on that shallow level where you just go HAHA!
And I just feel you all the way. Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time, just seeing someone who has everything going their way just pisses me off.
It's hard when others are living your dreams... but they aren't living all of your dreams. They aren't as successful as you. Your testimony is stronger than it ever was when he was in your life. You are hotter than him, and I'm sure you are prettier than her. I don't even need a pic! :)
People get married in the temple everyday, and you will, too. Heavenly Father knows us perfectly and will provide for us perfectly. You helped me learn that. Your path is YOURS.
But for now, it is okay to be sad and bugged. Just don't let it overwhelm you. Keep your head up, because you are an incredible person. Strong, brave, and a shining light.
Love,
M
Seriously I love you. Why can't you just be closer to me??! I would love nothing more than to go to dinner with you tonight. I need to make a lot more money so I can just jump on a plane for the night and come have dinner with you. Goal:One day be rich enough to do that. :)
DeleteI really wish the fact that he looked awful was more comforting. But it is funny because that really was my second thought. :) When I sent this to Paige, I apologized for the swear word at the end but said that I felt it was warranted. :) End of story, he is a complete douche. (You should read my comment above to sweet Larissa...let's just say I am allowing myself to be angry about it :))
I always feel bad about seeing others great lives and it seems that everything is working out for them and I am in the crapper(I am feeling better today that I have since I found out so no worries). But really, one thing that I have learned is that it is all a lie. Everyone has something that is so difficult for them to deal with. I really hope life sucks for Ian. I know that is horrible to say or feel, but I am telling you, I hope he has to deal with at least some of what I have had to feel the last year. Yep, I'm going to burn in hell. But it is really how I feel. I am sure that one day I will want his happiness...well, maybe not, but I do know that in the very near future I won't care about him. Lame ass. I just really like saying it. :)I won't let it overwhelm me but I will let the healthy anger out that I have kept in for so long.
And thank you for all you said, especially the part about Heavenly Father and his perfect timing and plan. I for sure needed that reminder today.
So the morale of this story is that I love you to pieces. Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment.
You are awesome. I love that you are being angry. And I've never felt so repulsed by ice cream;-) Your counselor is right, let it out! I was talking with another friend yesterday and realized that for the first six months I dated Rob, the more and more I got mad at my ex's for being such idiots. And BOY was I mad at them. Crying hot tears mad....I never realized HOW BADLY they treated me until I had something good.
ReplyDeleteOH, and people ripped me a new one when I blogged that I was happy when I saw one of my ex's and he was fat and bald and that I was nicer aesthetically than his lady. Someone even anonymously commented that I was single because I was judgmental, rude, selfish, the list goes on...I was shocked because we have ALL felt something like that, but whatev's. It's true;-)