Lots to Talk About

Goodness I have had a lot on my mind the last few days. A lot has happened. This will probably come out all over but bear with me.

First, the more I have thought about this, the more I believe it is true. I believe that great people aren't born, I believe they are made. The people that I consider great and truly amazing in their lives have each been through their own personal hell. They have been through trials that have forced them to choose what kind of person they are going to be while dealing with this. There is always a choice. These are the people that didn't choose to go out and drown their sorrows in alcohol, drugs, sexual activity with random partners every night. They don't put down their spouses and their children because they are having a bad day. They are not perfect, but they are genuinely trying their best in each area of their lives. These are people who chose to stay strong and keep their integrity even when no one was watching. And it isn't just one time, it is a daily choice to make. In knowing this, I know that I can become great. I also know that any person on earth can do the same by overcoming adversity, hardships, things that aren't fair and things that hurt us. But it isn't just in the hard times, but who we become during the hard times helps us remember how to be charitable, empathetic, caring during our great times that fill our hearts with more joy than we ever dreamed possible. There is always opposition in all things. Because we can feel such sorrow, we can feel a deeper level of joy. It all works out. But I look at others differently now. I look at the choices they have made and are still making to see how I can learn from their greatness so that one day I can be great too and live up to my full potential that Heavenly Father has given me.

Next, I am grateful for those people that Heavenly Father places in my life to help me. Monday was rough, as have most days been recently. I went to counseling and had a hard session because we are digging out all of the pain from my childhood. With doing this the last couple of weeks, my PTSD has taken over a lot. The way it affects me is that my emotions overtake my logic. I know my best friend is still around and is still my friend, yet my emotions feel like I have lost my support, safe place and home in a sense. I didn't realize how real that was for me until recently, but I see it clearly. With PTSD, those feelings are caused by not knowing what was going to happen at home. I didn't know if my mom was going to come home some nights or stay with her boyfriend. Those feelings are terrifying and unfair to a child. Because of these feelings and them happening in different situations over and over as a child, it makes me feel a great sense of loss and my emotions take over now as an adult and then I am all alone, not secure and feeling unsafe as my 8-17 year old felt for so many years. And the other part that is hard is that I think that why I am feeling sad is silly because healthy people don't see the issue so I push it down. Stop, can't do that. I have to experience all of this so that I can move past it for good. Boo, but it does make sense. I have to be able to help myself by creating the gray bridge in my brain. I have to be able to build a bridge from my emotions to my logic. That bridge is living in the gray. In my very black and white way of thinking, that is very hard. But I have been better about it in the last few months and I will keep at it until it works.

After my session with Janice I had my session with Matt. He was having me do hard things and everything just felt like it was too hard. So of course because I am a girl, I started to cry. It was half way through my workout and I told him that I was going to cry. He eased up a bit because I never cry in our workouts. Then I just couldn't help myself and I teared up. We moved from what we were doing to do some core. He kept asking me what would help, if we stayed here and worked out or if we should go talk. I told him we could keep working out. He said he wasn't going to charge me and then said we should go talk. He was great. He was a true friend. I trust Matt because I have learned to trust him over the last year. I told him how I was feeling and why. He was supportive and kind and instead of getting on me for emotional eating that weekend, he told me how bad he had been. He made a comment that is true, one that I hadn't thought of for a while. He told me that I try to be perfect all of the time and that I see others as being perfect. He said none of us are and that is okay. He said I am never going to be, nor is anyone else. It was a nice reminder because subconsciously, I am always trying to be perfect. This interaction was a huge blessing Monday. He helped me feel less alone and that he cared. There were many other things said but I was grateful for his kindness in being my friend.

Last night I went to see my good friend who just had her baby two weeks ago. At first I just felt like maybe I should leave because my black and white brain was freaking out, but I stayed and it ended up being just what I needed. Just like talking with my sister on Sunday about what I had been feeling about their moving and being a part of their family helped me a lot, seeing my good friend also set some things at peace for me. My black and white brain had her out of my life. This whole situation is the gray and it is hard. But being able to have a real conversation with her about what she had been going through was helpful to make me feel more normal and at peace. I don't know why. But it helped. It was good to see them. I am still fighting the urge to run because different to me means worse(pointed out by Matt, thank you for that), but I am not going to cut her out. Feeling these unstable feelings makes me upset about my childhood more. It makes me feel that there are serious things not right in me yet. But that is why I am in counseling.

The thing that I feel today is that I want to get married. Pretty bad. But there is one thing that has been a stable constant feeling the last couple of weeks. It is that there is a timing to all of this and His timing is perfect. I am trying to keep that in my heart when it feels so lonely. One other thing from counseling that came out of it was that it can be a good thing that my "people" and support system is evolving in their lives because it will open a spot up for a man, a spouse to fill. I hope that is the case. As I can hear my good friend saying, "it is all going to work out." She has told me that many, many times over the past 5 1/2 years, today I am choosing to believe that.