Grateful

On Easter I was driving home from Logan and I felt something amazing. I felt valuable. I felt that no matter what any man or anyone else thought of me, that I was valuable to Heavenly Father and good. I felt like it really is Craig's loss for choosing to not be with me, or to even try. In the past, I have beat myself up so much about not being enough for the man. This time has been so different. I don't agree with his choice, but I don't think I am not enough. In fact, I feel like I am great. I have amazing love and talents and laughter and gifts to offer the right man and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks besides Heavenly Father. He is the only one who knows all of those gifts. He is the only one who knows what is really in my heart. And I felt like even though I am not enjoying another rejection, that this is where I am supposed to be and that I am living His will for my life right now. This is all a HUGE change from just last year. It's refreshing.

I saw my counselor this week and we are now diving into the worst part of what I have been dealing with all of my life. It's kind of a relief. It's nice to think that dealing with this will really help me feel and be a whole, healthy person. It's the need for stability and a home and someone who will always be there for me. Hence why I have those desperate feelings for wanting to get married. That is what I am trying to change. I have never had that from a parent and that takes away the stability. I create a house of cards of stability with my job, my living situation and my friends to try and mimic what real stability is and the feeling of a safe place to go in a parent and home. I feel horrible for feeling so upset with my mom for creating such large issues inside of me that are truly damaging. And I don't feel that she can take the truth of how much she hurt me. I don't plan on telling her. But I do have to write those feelings down so I can let them go and heal. With these feelings, it creates the PTSD within me each time my fake stability is threatened. I haven't been healthy enough to be able to deal with this yet and I am grateful that now I can. As my counselor said, it is going to be hard work. But I believe it will be more than worth it...after it is over. :)

One HUGE blessing that happened in the last couple of weeks was that I had a dream about Ian and I felt nothing. No anger, no pain, no caring, just nothing. It was amazing to wake up from that dream and not have to deal with normal repercussions that usually accompany those dreams with him. Time really does heal all. That is what I have longed for is to feel nothing for him. No hate, no love, just nothing. And it is close and I love that.

So while the last couple weeks haven't been my favorite, they have been a blessing of learning and growing and feeling more peace than I ever have. I'm grateful.