Alone and Loss

I think to myself that I shouldn't write down some of the feelings I am really feeling because they are not uplifting. But then I remember something. I strongly believe that I will meet someone in my future that is going to going through what I am going through right now with the same feelings. How much better is it when someone can say to you(when you already feel nuts for feeling them) that they understand and have been there and that it is okay. It relieves you. It helps you feel a little better that everything will be okay and get better one day. I am taught to "mourn with those who mourn" and I believe by me going through hard things, it provides an opportunity to fulfill this. I am grateful to help others. Yes, I kind of hate going through crappy times, but it feels so much more worth it when you can help someone down the road who is going through what you went through. Anyway, on to those nasty feelings. :)

Feeling alone sucks. Bad. That is how I have been feeling this week and I just can't seem to shake it. It is that pit of nothing and anxiety that resides in your stomach and heart. I wish I could describe it better. But it is just feeling like there is no one on earth who really cares for you as their number 1 priority and person. I am blessed with a sister who really does better than any normal person and making me feel loved and included in her life and family. But she gets busy and has to deal with her life and help her husband. She is so good about getting in contact with me and really showing me how much she loves me. I long for a constant safe place. A place that no matter when I need it, it is there. While my sister really helps with this more than anyone else in the world, I look for that place in the form of a husband. There is something to feeling like that person chooses to be with you and wants to be with you and wants to be there with you. I really feel like those feelings are the best in the world. I crave those so much, especially right now. The safe place need comes from never having a safe place to land, no parent, no home, nothing. That is why my "need" for marriage is so strong when I am feeling alone. I don't "need" it as much when I feel safe and secure.

I have been on one date in the last year and it was with a sweet 21 year old. Well I am 30 and that is just too much of an age gap for me because of the lack of life experience. But back to my point. I miss being held. I miss getting giddy. I miss having the attention that it brings in texts and having someone have you on their mind very often. I miss having someone wanting to know where I am all day, even if I am just running to the grocery store. I miss being able to make dinner for them. I miss being able to kiss them. I say them as in the men I have experienced this with before...I am not looking for multiple men, just one. Just in case you were confused. :)I miss being a part of something deeper than a friendship. But even in missing all of these things, and my "desperate need to be loved and filled black hole inside me" feelings, I don't want to settle for less than I need. It isn't just what I want, it really is what I am needing. I need someone who loves me BECAUSE I have a red personality, not in spite of it.

I have struggled with this one since hearing it from Craig a couple of weeks ago. More because I heard a friend make a comment similar to it today too. But it makes me feel like I have something wrong with me and it is obvious to others and undesirable. Well that is just not fair. This is who I am and I really do love me and have made peace with me being me. So can there please be a man who will love me for my directness and control issues(which I will always be working on)? Please? That really is what I want more than anything in the world at the end of the day, to be loved for exactly who I am and they can see who I can and probably will become. I want to know that they want me and happy they found me. Not a guy, a Utah guy, who is checking every single option whenever any hot blonde comes over and starts flirting with him. Yes, I want all of these things and I want it more than I can tell you and more than I want to breathe at times, but guess what? I have no control over this. I can't control it. That is where trusting there is a better plan for me, and that plan involves me being very alone right now. I have made a lot of great movement on this but it is still a work in progress.

Loss. There are a couple of other things that are contributing to me feeling alone and they are just a part of life. I have a close friend and she has been my "family" for years. This week I came to realize that I am not her family, I am just her friend. I am a good friend and I really am very grateful for that. But it is hard for me to feel of her as my family and to be thought of less. It makes me want to retreat and pull back and live in my black and white world. But don't worry, I am focusing on living in the gray and it is working some of the time. Hallelujah for that. But she just had a baby and while I love her, she struggles at texting people back and since that really is my only communication with her, our friendship may slip a bit. So my family, my friend who was part of my house of cards of stability and love has now fallen. Our friendship is in no way over, it will just change even more drastically than it has in the past. It has been changing a lot the last few years. This is hard for me. Really hard for me. It is a loss. But it is life. People change and things in life happen and move on and it is hard because I am still where I have always been, unmarried with no children, hoping my friends and sister will fill the void that neglect has left me with. They can't fill it. But they helped me feel like I wasn't alone in this, that there were people there standing by me. My sister really is great with this and I am grateful for her every day. But with my sister being super busy this week and the "loss" of a close friend and being rejected two weeks ago for my red personality with no clear sight of me finding what I seek for, it has made a great opportunity for me to deal with the beast of my problems right now. I just don't like feeling so alone. But hopefully by working through this stuff, I won't feel that way as harshly as I feel it now. I have a feeling it may get worse before it really gets better. But such is life and that is what I signed up for. I will keep focusing on trusting that I will find a man who will love me and be at my level who will take me to the Temple and trusting that all I am going through right now is worth it and necessary.

I do have to say that I am blessed with great people around me. New friends that are really wonderful and real and caring. They help a lot. My friend who just had her baby has helped me a great deal. And my sister will always be my go to because I know that she loves me forever no matter what happens in her life. She isn't going anywhere. Or better said, her heart isn't going anywhere. I'm grateful for that every single day. So really, even with feeling alone, I know that I am blessed.