Loss

This week has been difficult and today it felt like it all came to a T and fell apart. Loss sucks. Loss isn't always bad or malicious, but at the end of the day, loss is still painful. It hurts to lose someone you care about in the capacity that they were in, in your life.

My house of cards is pretty much down and I just don't feel safe and secure or that I have a safe place, person, home. I am blessed in abundance with good people in my life. But there have really only been two who have been my safe place, my home, my constant. I didn't realize how true this was until the last few weeks. The person closest to me in my life is my sister. While I know that I truly am incredibly important to her, there is one thing that won't leave my mind. She and her husband are looking to start their lives and move wherever they find a job. It doesn't matter if it is far away from me. It isn't ideal for her, but it is life and if they have to move, than that is what needs to happen. It isn't malicious at all. It is them needing to continue on THEIR path. I am not included in that path. It is the moving on. While I know I will still be able to talk with my sister, it just shows me that it isn't us as a three, is is them and me when it comes down to it. And honestly, it has to be that way. It really is okay. They have to move on. It is a part of life. It's not wrong or meant to be hurtful at all. I do know that. The part that is so hard for me is that it takes away one of my two last remaining "home" places and feelings of safety and wanting. But it is all part of the plan and because of that, this is how it must be.

Two is that the only other person besides my sister that I have fully trusted with everything and until last summer had never left my side, is my good friend. What happened last summer wasn't meant to be malicious. It is another part of life moving on and evolving into what it should. I have really, really big trust issues and this woman had become my family and I trusted her with everything. She has a husband and just had a baby. And I believe that is what has been the icing on my issue cake. It is right and good what is happening for her right now. And I know she needs to focus on her family and nothing is more important. It is just really hard going from cutting back last summer and then to basically fully losing her a few weeks ago. It is not that we aren't still friends, but she has to "leave" and focus on her and her family. While that is good, it is incredibly hard for me. This person who I have trusted and felt loved me for me has gone and left. It's not malicious or even wrong, it's just really hard for me. But once again, this is the plan and it has to be this way.

These two women are the foundation of my trust and feeling safe and secure and like there is a home for me. They can't be anymore. I have to figure out how to be it for myself. It feels so lonely and anxious being here. I feel like I don't know where I belong or who I belong to on earth. I think the hardest part is that their lives are moving on and mine is stagnant here, stuck where I have always been, except this time, I have to figure out how to go it alone. I am sure it will turn into a blessing. But today, right now, this loss weighs heavy on my heart. If either of you two read this blog post, please know I am not mad or wanting anything to change. You are both where you need to be. I just have to figure out how to work this part out for me.

I have to end with saying that I do have amazing friends in my life. I have people who care so much and that blesses my life so much. I just need to trust more to let more people in.