Again

You know what is funny? It seems the moment you declare out loud that you know Heavenly Father is there and He is aware of you or declare any type of thing that says you are closer to Heavenly Father, Satan pulls out all of the stops. He makes you feel more alone that you ever have. Well, that is how I am feeling once again today. Really, this is just silly. But the feelings are real and they are painful. I am dealing with the biggest issue in me; the dark giant black hole of need and needing to feel loved and wanted. And let me tell you, I can feel the desperate feelings right now that associate with that black hole and the subconscious vibes that it gives off. I really don't like that. I am not desperate but I do feel all alone. These feelings go back to my childhood of not having a parent give me a safe feeling place and feeling like I was more important to her than a man. Who knew these things combined with others could scar someone so much 30 years later? It just goes to show you that being a parent is a HUGE responsibility and don't screw it up! Granted every parent will make mistakes, but please don't give them neglect issues because they suck.

What tipped it all off was last night at FHE. I realized that I had pulled out of this click that I had been hanging out with and last night I saw a girl, the queen bee who controls it all, have a great interaction with one of the guys. I realized that I don't really have that with any of them and in almost every way, I really don't want that kind of friendship with those guys. It feels superficial and that is not me. I also got turned down to go on vacation with some of these girls because the queen bee didn't want to do it. It made me stop and think of who my friends are that really love me. Granted I had just come from a training session with Matt and while he is my trainer, I think he is also my friend. But my sister has been so busy and overwhelmed with school she hasn't had time to call. I get that and don't fault for her at all. Then there is my second closet person and she just had a baby and where I used to email her everyday/see her once a week, it has gone to maybe a text every other day. But that too also makes sense, she just had a baby and is learning something completely new and more time consuming that ever before. He life moved on. Then my best guy friend who really is great, has a girlfriend and is all in love and busy. These three people are my house of cards that help me feel less alone more than anything/anyone else in my life. So yes, what a great opportunity for me to learn how to face the giant black hole of aloneness. Blah.

I also realized something last night too. I have not been kissed or had any kind of physical action in a year. Holy crap that sucks. Physical affection is one of my strongest love languages and it is hard to not "feel" that love from anyone. I don't want to just kiss someone to say I have kissed someone because I will become attached, then I will try and convince myself that I really do want to be with them regardless if they are really what I want long term. I want to feel that affection. When you get action from someone who doesn't have the same standards as you, that is how I lose my covenants. So I am really wanting that kind of affection but I want it to be in the right time with a guy I know I want to be dating....but I am getting impatient and impatience leads to me going to fast in a relationship and that doesn't work either. Good I can see this.

The other thing that is disheartening is that there literally is NO ONE around me that fits the bill for me or me for them. Nada, nothing, ingen. Yes, the elder from my mission was perfect but he really was just a great tender mercy last weekend. I have no idea what is ahead and I won't pretend to, but for today, there is nothing and no real lead of anyone. That part sucks most.

So the moral of the story is that I hate feeling alone. I don't know how to fix it in me yet. And I really want to go on vacation and NO ONE will go. The blessing of this unhappy email is that at least I can see the problem so that I can help it get better and be healthier which will hopefully bring me the relationship I want more than anything. I don't control my timing on anything, Heavenly Father does. I just want to say, do what You are going to do. Hopefully it involves me with a great man.