Living in the Gray Sucks

This last week I have realized how I send out a vibe that says "f off" to guys I have been interested in that have not been interested in me back or if something weird has happened. The "f off" quote came straight from Craig's mouth. It's true though. My counselor brought it up a week ago and I have noticed it more the last month. What I do is write them off and send out that vibe. Now inside of me is a completely different story. Inside I want them to come back and get me and show me they really do care about me. It's conflicting, right?!

Saturday night Chel told me that she had talked with the Cameron last week and he asked why I had been so distant. She told me other nice things he had said but of course hearing that I really do send that signal confirmed made me cry. Why can't I just be able to be normal and live in the gray like everyone else. For me, it is either you're interested and care or you don't. There isn't any middle ground on that one at all in my book. Craig said he wasn't going to ask me on a date. In my head, that means forever and it is just done. My counselor brought up a good point. Have I ever changed my mind before? Yes, I have. She wasn't saying that it is guaranteed that Craig will change his mind, but he may. No one knows the future. Reminding myself that no one knows what is up ahead is actually something that calms my crazy a little and helps me live in the gray easier. I don't know if my feelings are going to change in the future for Craig or for anyone. No one knows that except heaven and perfect things come from there.

So yesterday morning I went on a walk with Cameron and we had a great talk. He is really open with communication and easy to talk to. I appreciate that so much. I have always dated guys who just don't communicate because they are the type that just keep most things inside unless it is pried out of them. Craig is this type and I appreciated the openness of Cameron and the caring that I felt from him. One very nice thing that he said was that our conversation on our date was the best he had ever had because I am so real. He said it was refreshing. He told Chel that I am gorgeous on the outside but when he saw what was inside, he said I was even more beautiful. I still am not seeing anything happening with Cameron romantically but I am more open to it then I was before. I am going to live in the gray with him.

After I realized I for sure had been sending the vibe out, I thought I needed to send something to Craig. I did. I sent a simple text apologizing for it and told him I was working on it. One thing that came to my mind yesterday is something I read from a blessing I received last year. It said to trust people, especially those I am dating. Well, I am not dating, nor have I ever dated Craig, but I thought why not live in the gray with him too and while I was at it, work on trusting him. Let me just tell you right now, this is not solid ground for me and is not comfortable. But I am going to do it.

After a few texts back and forth with Craig after church, I asked him if he wanted to go on a quick walk and I would explain. He came over and I explained some of my issues to him and why I send that vibe. For me telling him those things helped me try and build trust while attempting to live in the gray and be his friend, even though he isn't interested in dating me right now. Now can I just say one thing? I don't know why it is so hard for me, but I have the hardest time that he doesn't choose to date me. I almost try and will it. But then I remember that I don't want to will anyone to like me. I want someone who wants to be with me and I don't have to feel like I am talking them into it. So why is it so frustrating that he isn't interested? I actually don't know the answer to that.

After our walk, I told him to tell me if the sign was on my head so I could take it down. The only thing for me will be not seeing him with Heidi. That always puts the "f off" sign right back up. Either way, I am working on the gray and working on trusting with both of these men and situations. I don't want to get hurt and that is why I try to push people away. I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the butt. Here's to trying!