Loss

This week has been difficult and today it felt like it all came to a T and fell apart. Loss sucks. Loss isn't always bad or malicious, but at the end of the day, loss is still painful. It hurts to lose someone you care about in the capacity that they were in, in your life.

My house of cards is pretty much down and I just don't feel safe and secure or that I have a safe place, person, home. I am blessed in abundance with good people in my life. But there have really only been two who have been my safe place, my home, my constant. I didn't realize how true this was until the last few weeks. The person closest to me in my life is my sister. While I know that I truly am incredibly important to her, there is one thing that won't leave my mind. She and her husband are looking to start their lives and move wherever they find a job. It doesn't matter if it is far away from me. It isn't ideal for her, but it is life and if they have to move, than that is what needs to happen. It isn't malicious at all. It is them needing to continue on THEIR path. I am not included in that path. It is the moving on. While I know I will still be able to talk with my sister, it just shows me that it isn't us as a three, is is them and me when it comes down to it. And honestly, it has to be that way. It really is okay. They have to move on. It is a part of life. It's not wrong or meant to be hurtful at all. I do know that. The part that is so hard for me is that it takes away one of my two last remaining "home" places and feelings of safety and wanting. But it is all part of the plan and because of that, this is how it must be.

Two is that the only other person besides my sister that I have fully trusted with everything and until last summer had never left my side, is my good friend. What happened last summer wasn't meant to be malicious. It is another part of life moving on and evolving into what it should. I have really, really big trust issues and this woman had become my family and I trusted her with everything. She has a husband and just had a baby. And I believe that is what has been the icing on my issue cake. It is right and good what is happening for her right now. And I know she needs to focus on her family and nothing is more important. It is just really hard going from cutting back last summer and then to basically fully losing her a few weeks ago. It is not that we aren't still friends, but she has to "leave" and focus on her and her family. While that is good, it is incredibly hard for me. This person who I have trusted and felt loved me for me has gone and left. It's not malicious or even wrong, it's just really hard for me. But once again, this is the plan and it has to be this way.

These two women are the foundation of my trust and feeling safe and secure and like there is a home for me. They can't be anymore. I have to figure out how to be it for myself. It feels so lonely and anxious being here. I feel like I don't know where I belong or who I belong to on earth. I think the hardest part is that their lives are moving on and mine is stagnant here, stuck where I have always been, except this time, I have to figure out how to go it alone. I am sure it will turn into a blessing. But today, right now, this loss weighs heavy on my heart. If either of you two read this blog post, please know I am not mad or wanting anything to change. You are both where you need to be. I just have to figure out how to work this part out for me.

I have to end with saying that I do have amazing friends in my life. I have people who care so much and that blesses my life so much. I just need to trust more to let more people in.

Boot Camp

I tell you what, I love boot camp. I have said it before but I just have to tell you that it helps on the worst days. Monday and Tuesday this week were rough, really rough and so rough that I sent my counselor a text(I never do this) telling her everything I was doing and what else I could do to help me feel better. She couldn't think of anything else but said she would think about it and then offered for me to come in earlier. I said I could make it until Monday. So really, by Tuesday night I was still feeling in the dumps and doing all I could to pull myself out. I knew boot camp would help, but I was kind of doubting how much it really could help. I remember that last summer it was one of the only times that I didn't feel pain inside was when I was doing boot camp. It was because the workout was so intense and hard that I literally couldn't think about anything else. This time I had a few friends there and it was a really hard class. When I left, I felt so much lighter in my heart than I had for the past few days. That is a huge blessing to me and one that I am very grateful for.

Again

You know what is funny? It seems the moment you declare out loud that you know Heavenly Father is there and He is aware of you or declare any type of thing that says you are closer to Heavenly Father, Satan pulls out all of the stops. He makes you feel more alone that you ever have. Well, that is how I am feeling once again today. Really, this is just silly. But the feelings are real and they are painful. I am dealing with the biggest issue in me; the dark giant black hole of need and needing to feel loved and wanted. And let me tell you, I can feel the desperate feelings right now that associate with that black hole and the subconscious vibes that it gives off. I really don't like that. I am not desperate but I do feel all alone. These feelings go back to my childhood of not having a parent give me a safe feeling place and feeling like I was more important to her than a man. Who knew these things combined with others could scar someone so much 30 years later? It just goes to show you that being a parent is a HUGE responsibility and don't screw it up! Granted every parent will make mistakes, but please don't give them neglect issues because they suck.

What tipped it all off was last night at FHE. I realized that I had pulled out of this click that I had been hanging out with and last night I saw a girl, the queen bee who controls it all, have a great interaction with one of the guys. I realized that I don't really have that with any of them and in almost every way, I really don't want that kind of friendship with those guys. It feels superficial and that is not me. I also got turned down to go on vacation with some of these girls because the queen bee didn't want to do it. It made me stop and think of who my friends are that really love me. Granted I had just come from a training session with Matt and while he is my trainer, I think he is also my friend. But my sister has been so busy and overwhelmed with school she hasn't had time to call. I get that and don't fault for her at all. Then there is my second closet person and she just had a baby and where I used to email her everyday/see her once a week, it has gone to maybe a text every other day. But that too also makes sense, she just had a baby and is learning something completely new and more time consuming that ever before. He life moved on. Then my best guy friend who really is great, has a girlfriend and is all in love and busy. These three people are my house of cards that help me feel less alone more than anything/anyone else in my life. So yes, what a great opportunity for me to learn how to face the giant black hole of aloneness. Blah.

I also realized something last night too. I have not been kissed or had any kind of physical action in a year. Holy crap that sucks. Physical affection is one of my strongest love languages and it is hard to not "feel" that love from anyone. I don't want to just kiss someone to say I have kissed someone because I will become attached, then I will try and convince myself that I really do want to be with them regardless if they are really what I want long term. I want to feel that affection. When you get action from someone who doesn't have the same standards as you, that is how I lose my covenants. So I am really wanting that kind of affection but I want it to be in the right time with a guy I know I want to be dating....but I am getting impatient and impatience leads to me going to fast in a relationship and that doesn't work either. Good I can see this.

The other thing that is disheartening is that there literally is NO ONE around me that fits the bill for me or me for them. Nada, nothing, ingen. Yes, the elder from my mission was perfect but he really was just a great tender mercy last weekend. I have no idea what is ahead and I won't pretend to, but for today, there is nothing and no real lead of anyone. That part sucks most.

So the moral of the story is that I hate feeling alone. I don't know how to fix it in me yet. And I really want to go on vacation and NO ONE will go. The blessing of this unhappy email is that at least I can see the problem so that I can help it get better and be healthier which will hopefully bring me the relationship I want more than anything. I don't control my timing on anything, Heavenly Father does. I just want to say, do what You are going to do. Hopefully it involves me with a great man.

He Knows Me

Last week on Friday, I had another answer to my prayer that I have been offering up for months. The prayer was to know that Heavenly Father knew what I wanted more than anything, to get married and have a "home". Last week as previously stated, I felt really alone. One thing about my personality is that I don't feel so hopeless when there is at least something in the works, some sort of possibility to help me get to my dream. The way my mind works is very goal oriented so steps help me feel progress. That is why this was an answer to me personally that He knew my dream and needs.

I had two real crushes on my mission. One of them was an Elder that I served with from the very beginning in the MTC. He is the only man shorter than me that I have ever considered wanting to date...like ever. We both served in our first area together and he really helped me get through it. Later after I came home, he asked me to go visit his sister because she was going through an impossible ordeal and he thought I could help. So of course, I did. His sister is one of my favorite people, even though I haven't talked to her in ages. Then he came home and 2 years later got married. It was a little sad for me but by then I had been dating someone else and it was more of a, well, that isn't ever going to pan out type of thing and moved on. Two years ago he got divorced. When he went to dental school he met a friend of mine from home and they ended up becoming roommates. Last year that elder was in town and I saw him for the first time after 4 years. I was in my own personal 10th circle of hell and he was dating someone. I tell you this not because anything is going to happen between us, but to show that there has been interest there for years. On Friday, he sent me a text making sure I was going to our friend's wedding and then we text messaged the rest of the day. Later that night I received an email from his roommate telling me that the elder from my mission would be my date to his wedding. Now I know this is so silly to even get my hopes up for, but even though it was silly, for Friday, it lifted my spirits and helped me feel an overall hope. Was Friday just a tender mercy, it is more than possible. But it was an answer to my prayer and I believe that it was Heavenly Father showing me He knows what is in my heart.

Alone and Loss

I think to myself that I shouldn't write down some of the feelings I am really feeling because they are not uplifting. But then I remember something. I strongly believe that I will meet someone in my future that is going to going through what I am going through right now with the same feelings. How much better is it when someone can say to you(when you already feel nuts for feeling them) that they understand and have been there and that it is okay. It relieves you. It helps you feel a little better that everything will be okay and get better one day. I am taught to "mourn with those who mourn" and I believe by me going through hard things, it provides an opportunity to fulfill this. I am grateful to help others. Yes, I kind of hate going through crappy times, but it feels so much more worth it when you can help someone down the road who is going through what you went through. Anyway, on to those nasty feelings. :)

Feeling alone sucks. Bad. That is how I have been feeling this week and I just can't seem to shake it. It is that pit of nothing and anxiety that resides in your stomach and heart. I wish I could describe it better. But it is just feeling like there is no one on earth who really cares for you as their number 1 priority and person. I am blessed with a sister who really does better than any normal person and making me feel loved and included in her life and family. But she gets busy and has to deal with her life and help her husband. She is so good about getting in contact with me and really showing me how much she loves me. I long for a constant safe place. A place that no matter when I need it, it is there. While my sister really helps with this more than anyone else in the world, I look for that place in the form of a husband. There is something to feeling like that person chooses to be with you and wants to be with you and wants to be there with you. I really feel like those feelings are the best in the world. I crave those so much, especially right now. The safe place need comes from never having a safe place to land, no parent, no home, nothing. That is why my "need" for marriage is so strong when I am feeling alone. I don't "need" it as much when I feel safe and secure.

I have been on one date in the last year and it was with a sweet 21 year old. Well I am 30 and that is just too much of an age gap for me because of the lack of life experience. But back to my point. I miss being held. I miss getting giddy. I miss having the attention that it brings in texts and having someone have you on their mind very often. I miss having someone wanting to know where I am all day, even if I am just running to the grocery store. I miss being able to make dinner for them. I miss being able to kiss them. I say them as in the men I have experienced this with before...I am not looking for multiple men, just one. Just in case you were confused. :)I miss being a part of something deeper than a friendship. But even in missing all of these things, and my "desperate need to be loved and filled black hole inside me" feelings, I don't want to settle for less than I need. It isn't just what I want, it really is what I am needing. I need someone who loves me BECAUSE I have a red personality, not in spite of it.

I have struggled with this one since hearing it from Craig a couple of weeks ago. More because I heard a friend make a comment similar to it today too. But it makes me feel like I have something wrong with me and it is obvious to others and undesirable. Well that is just not fair. This is who I am and I really do love me and have made peace with me being me. So can there please be a man who will love me for my directness and control issues(which I will always be working on)? Please? That really is what I want more than anything in the world at the end of the day, to be loved for exactly who I am and they can see who I can and probably will become. I want to know that they want me and happy they found me. Not a guy, a Utah guy, who is checking every single option whenever any hot blonde comes over and starts flirting with him. Yes, I want all of these things and I want it more than I can tell you and more than I want to breathe at times, but guess what? I have no control over this. I can't control it. That is where trusting there is a better plan for me, and that plan involves me being very alone right now. I have made a lot of great movement on this but it is still a work in progress.

Loss. There are a couple of other things that are contributing to me feeling alone and they are just a part of life. I have a close friend and she has been my "family" for years. This week I came to realize that I am not her family, I am just her friend. I am a good friend and I really am very grateful for that. But it is hard for me to feel of her as my family and to be thought of less. It makes me want to retreat and pull back and live in my black and white world. But don't worry, I am focusing on living in the gray and it is working some of the time. Hallelujah for that. But she just had a baby and while I love her, she struggles at texting people back and since that really is my only communication with her, our friendship may slip a bit. So my family, my friend who was part of my house of cards of stability and love has now fallen. Our friendship is in no way over, it will just change even more drastically than it has in the past. It has been changing a lot the last few years. This is hard for me. Really hard for me. It is a loss. But it is life. People change and things in life happen and move on and it is hard because I am still where I have always been, unmarried with no children, hoping my friends and sister will fill the void that neglect has left me with. They can't fill it. But they helped me feel like I wasn't alone in this, that there were people there standing by me. My sister really is great with this and I am grateful for her every day. But with my sister being super busy this week and the "loss" of a close friend and being rejected two weeks ago for my red personality with no clear sight of me finding what I seek for, it has made a great opportunity for me to deal with the beast of my problems right now. I just don't like feeling so alone. But hopefully by working through this stuff, I won't feel that way as harshly as I feel it now. I have a feeling it may get worse before it really gets better. But such is life and that is what I signed up for. I will keep focusing on trusting that I will find a man who will love me and be at my level who will take me to the Temple and trusting that all I am going through right now is worth it and necessary.

I do have to say that I am blessed with great people around me. New friends that are really wonderful and real and caring. They help a lot. My friend who just had her baby has helped me a great deal. And my sister will always be my go to because I know that she loves me forever no matter what happens in her life. She isn't going anywhere. Or better said, her heart isn't going anywhere. I'm grateful for that every single day. So really, even with feeling alone, I know that I am blessed.

Grateful

On Easter I was driving home from Logan and I felt something amazing. I felt valuable. I felt that no matter what any man or anyone else thought of me, that I was valuable to Heavenly Father and good. I felt like it really is Craig's loss for choosing to not be with me, or to even try. In the past, I have beat myself up so much about not being enough for the man. This time has been so different. I don't agree with his choice, but I don't think I am not enough. In fact, I feel like I am great. I have amazing love and talents and laughter and gifts to offer the right man and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks besides Heavenly Father. He is the only one who knows all of those gifts. He is the only one who knows what is really in my heart. And I felt like even though I am not enjoying another rejection, that this is where I am supposed to be and that I am living His will for my life right now. This is all a HUGE change from just last year. It's refreshing.

I saw my counselor this week and we are now diving into the worst part of what I have been dealing with all of my life. It's kind of a relief. It's nice to think that dealing with this will really help me feel and be a whole, healthy person. It's the need for stability and a home and someone who will always be there for me. Hence why I have those desperate feelings for wanting to get married. That is what I am trying to change. I have never had that from a parent and that takes away the stability. I create a house of cards of stability with my job, my living situation and my friends to try and mimic what real stability is and the feeling of a safe place to go in a parent and home. I feel horrible for feeling so upset with my mom for creating such large issues inside of me that are truly damaging. And I don't feel that she can take the truth of how much she hurt me. I don't plan on telling her. But I do have to write those feelings down so I can let them go and heal. With these feelings, it creates the PTSD within me each time my fake stability is threatened. I haven't been healthy enough to be able to deal with this yet and I am grateful that now I can. As my counselor said, it is going to be hard work. But I believe it will be more than worth it...after it is over. :)

One HUGE blessing that happened in the last couple of weeks was that I had a dream about Ian and I felt nothing. No anger, no pain, no caring, just nothing. It was amazing to wake up from that dream and not have to deal with normal repercussions that usually accompany those dreams with him. Time really does heal all. That is what I have longed for is to feel nothing for him. No hate, no love, just nothing. And it is close and I love that.

So while the last couple weeks haven't been my favorite, they have been a blessing of learning and growing and feeling more peace than I ever have. I'm grateful.

Learning

Dang. It happened again. Rejection. But I just have to tell you that this time is so much better. Granted we're on day one and I never actually went on a date with him, but I was still invested over the last 3 months of spending a lot of time with him and getting to know him. But the one thing that I have noticed today and last night was peace. It has begun to hurt my heart a bit but peace is what I feel most. I received a blessing about a month ago that said that everything that is happening right now is in the will of the Lord for me and my plan. So right now I am just trying to trust that this is exactly where I am supposed to be without him in my life.

I was honest like always and direct. He was good about both of those as well. I feel like he did lead me on a bit but in his mind, I think he thinks that he didn't ask me out so he is good. Well, not exactly. But the truth is that I want a man who loves me for me and will not be afraid because I have a red personality. Shame on him for not getting to know me better and see how each red personality is different. Note to him, I am not the girl you dated and fought horribly with 5 years ago. And I am not 22. So a preemptive no is a little harsh. And don't worry, I told him that I didn't agree with him on that but that I was not about to try and convince someone that they wanted to be with me. I said I wanted someone who knows they want me for me.

So back to square one of no interests. One thing that I love about this time that I didn't have last time is more love for me and confidence in who I am and what I want. And I have Matt who has become a great friend to me and is turning into a brother. I loved when he called him a lame ass and that he was scared of my awesomeness and that he wasn't just saying that. He meant it. I believe he meant it. This time I have noticed how much more I really love my friends and their support. Last time, one of my best friends had to "fix" everything for me. This time it is different. The same is that I dearly cling to the words of those who love me most and know the situation, but I am okay inside and not forcing others to help me feel calm. Thank you counseling. And more, thank you Heavenly Father. I knew I would be here again someday I think. I was hoping I wouldn't, but here I am. Something I have learned from my past: he isn't coming back for me. It's time to move on and like my dear friend's grandma always said, "onward and upward" and isn't that the truth. So here's to trusting in Heavenly Father and HIS plan for me. That will be my ultimate goal.