"You seem fine."

I have a good friend who is going through a hard time. It is very similar to what I have been going through for the last 6 months. It's having your heart and trust get broken by someone you care about deeply. To this day, I still can't think of anything worse that I have been through. I think it is worse when the other person involved ends up in another relationship right after and you are still alone. In fact, it's the most painful thing. And the thing is, it's over. Why should we care what the other person is doing? In my case, he is living out my dream with someone else. Granted 6 months later, I can see that I tried to make him what I wanted and not really what he was. I also went at the relationship the way I go after my own personal goals, and needless to say, that was a huge mistake. Today I can say that if Ian and I had kept going and ended up married, a year or two into it I would have regretted it and known that I had settled because I wanted to deeply and desperately to belong with someone, to be his girlfriend, to be his wife. Now the "his" I just mentioned is not really Ian, it is more that I wanted a man. I am not desperate enough to just date or be with anyone or I would be married. But when I decide that I want to be with that person, I decide that I will accept any issue that man has and will just look away from it because I want my dream. A lot of these things come from the neglect in my early life and the continued neglect, including neglect from Ian. Wouldn't I love to be completely over all of this, especially Ian and the fact he is dating that girl still? Oh my goodness yes. I can't think of many things I want more. But another thing I struggle with is giving up control. I try to control situations so that I won't get hurt...did that work? Not in the slightest. I have to trust that Heavenly Father does in fact know me personally and has a personal and wonderful plan that includes my deepest dream to come true, for me. Trust is a hard thing right now too. I don't trust that someone isn't going to hurt me. That includes everyone but my sister. I put on a face for everyone. It isn't always fake. I am genuinely happy at times during the day. But each day, there is a great deal of pain that comes too. Sometimes it lasts for hours. Sometimes it only lasts for a few minutes. But I don't share anymore with those around me because I don't necessarily trust them that they won't hurt me either. I try to handle it all inside of me. I am pulling back from everyone but my sister. And that is because she is the only one who has never let me down. I have high standards and I worry that I expect too much out of others. I don't know how to expect less than what I would give. There was an unspoken expectation of what I wanted from Ian and I am sure that pushed him away. I want to trust. Right now the relationships that I am working on improving most are the relationships with my Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. I have to be able to trust them and give all of my control to them. I need to believe they know ME and that they love ME. I know that is the most important relationship to start mending right now and if I can trust them, then hopefully I will be able to trust others too.

Ouch

You know when you think that it can't get worse? You really should never think that way because it always can. When you think you have hit the bottom and are working your way back up, something comes up and slams you back on that hard concrete floor.

Wednesday was a really difficult day. I didn't realize how blessed I was with having a few days of less pain and honestly, some ease. So when Wednesday was extremely difficult, I thought that Thursday was a new day and I could do it. Thursday came with new and different challenges and realizations of how I want to change and am not there yet and still struggling to know how. Then yesterday. I opened the day with some criticism that was hard to take. Then at lunch, one of my closest and most trusted friends told me I am too much to deal with right now. She can't handle me anymore. She is not leaving our friendship but she can't be there for me the way she has been because it is just too much. The stuff with Ian hurt, but this cut deeper because it came from someone who loves me and knows me better than almost any other person on earth and that I have trusted with almost everything that is me. I don't want to be too much for people, especially her. I sincerely want her to be happy and not be bogged down by me and my issues. In my darkest hour, she had to take a step back. While I completely understand that I have a lot to deal with and it honestly is toxic and because she loves me as much as she does, she can't take it and be there for me the way she has because it has an affect on her. This would make perfect sense to someone who wasn't going through abandonment issues and other things right now. But I am. How can I trust to fully trust in someone who isn't my sister with all of me and trust that they won't have to bow out of my life when it gets hard if my best friend has to, someone who honestly loves and cares for me? Because what this unhealthily teaches me, is that I can't. And that is not at all what I should be thinking. So when you think it can't get worse, please don't say it, it can.Will this all be okay somehow? Yes. Do I know how to do any of this? No. What I really want to learn how to do most right now is: how do I still be her friend in my black and white brain full of issues and confusion and not push her out and away because I am so deeply hurt? I don't know how to do that, but I want to learn how. My black and white brain always cuts them out and I don't want to do that this time. As with everything else, I will do my best. I just don't know where to start.

Why?

First, I honestly hate Facebook because you can see what your ex is doing even after you unfriend him. So my question is this, why in the hell does he get to be happy with a new girl and I am still hurting? I know I don't want him, but it still cuts me deep. Why is that? Yes, my issues have something to do with it, but I really just don't want to give a care at all. Please pray for me to just not care about him and her, and him altogether. I just want to let this all go completely. I do feel sorry for her though. He is still the same selfish person he was a few months ago, and I believe he will be until he takes time to work out his issues. I wish this would just be gone forever.

Things I am Learning

So two warnings: 1. I have been feisty and a bit angry the last week and that is actually the reason I am writing this all out because I am hoping it will relieve it. I don't like to be mad or have contentious feelings in me. I am grateful that there is only a handful of people who read this. But I hope that somewhere, sometime, someone will be benefited from reading something written in here. And 2. This isn't the most uplifting blog or post of all time. And it may not be for a little while. But that is why it is called, "Still Learning" because that is exactly what I am doing. A lot of learning for me happens in really hard times. I like to see the growth and the movement I am making so that when hard times knock at my door again, I can look back and know that I can get through the next trial. So while this isn't the happiest thing you have ever read, wait for it because there is a miracle coming that will fill your heart with joy. That's what I believe.

It is no secret from my last few blog posts that the last four months have been in the 10th circle of hell. I have been seeing a counselor to figure some things out and become healthier. It's been interesting to learn all that I have and I am grateful for her because I know that I will be a much better and healthier person for it. It is for me. So here are some things that I have/had in my past and what they do and how they feel.

I have severe abandonment issues. I saw an old friend on Sunday and he is the type of friend that I can tell anything to. The first thing after I said I had abandonment issues especially because nearly everyone in my life, including my mom, has abandoned me, he said, "I will never abandon you." And while he was saying it kind of joking, he meant it. I appreciated that. My abandonment issues are so severe that when I feel abandoned by someone I care about, whether it is family, friends, guy I am dating, etc., I have PTSD. Now what that means is that my emotions feel overpoweringly hopeless and fearful and alone and anxious and that there is no hope for the future. You can feel the anxiety in your entire soul and it is hard to come out of. I don't drop to the ground like war vets but it is definitely very real inside of me. Thankfully it isn't something that just anyone can tell is happening or see but I can tell you from experiencing them, that these feelings suck worse than just about anything else.

In my childhood, my mom did the best she could with what she had. But in the end, her choices still hurt me deeply and still affects me today. When I was little, my mom was married to a man who abused me in every way possible. So we escaped to Utah. Now this was a very heroic and very strong thing for my mom to do and she did it. However the hard part begins after we got here. A parent is someone who comforts their child and takes the stress of life on their shoulders and doesn't make their children bear it. A parent helps a child feel safe and stable and not alone. Sadly, my mom suffered from her past and past choices and wasn't able to handle much else. So physically my mom was there, but those things that I just described a parent does, she didn't do. So I took on the responsibilities of an adult. You have to picture an 8 year-old little girl. When the eviction notices came, she felt the stress and her mom didn't ease anything. We didn't know how we were going to live and make the bills and getting new clothes, it wasn't even an option. Not because my mom didn't want to but because we were barely putting food on the table. There were bill collectors calling all of the time and growing up being on welfare and thinking that bankruptcy was a good option. When I was 12, my mom had to work nights to support us and I babysat my 2 younger siblings. That was terrifying as a child.

My mom was still trying to be okay herself so I grew up instantly at 8 and was strong and supported her and comforted her and kept her together so that she could go out and work so we wouldn't be homeless. I held it together the best a child does. A child doesn't have the understanding of an adult. So what I did when I was little, I still do today. As a child, I came from such chaos that I would always try and put things together so they were okay and peaceful. That may not make sense. But I have to have peace and I try and control situations so that I can have peace because I was the only one giving that to myself and to my siblings and mom(besides Heavenly Father). I also see things in black and white. I see as a child sees. Either you care or you don't. Either you love me or you don't. Either I am going to be good at soccer or I am not. There is no in between. You are either doing your very best or you aren't. Either you are good, or you are bad. Now because of these things as well, my head and heart are very separate. My heart and soul are ruled by emotions. While my head and mind are logical and if I think about something, I can judge it pretty accurately. But when I feel something, it is VERY hard for my mind to come in and tell my heart how it really is. My emotions can be like a child's.

Another thing is that in my life, I feel the need to know everything, all of the time. Heaven help me. And I have to be in control of situations that can potentially hurt me. For instance, I NEED to know if someone cares about me, black or white, yes or no. In relationships, this is hard. I have never in my life seen a healthy relationship up close on a daily basis. I am reading a lot to help educate me. But in relationships, I can't go at them the same way I do when I am going after a goal(but that's what I have done). I have to let go and let the other person go at their speed and choose what they would like on their timeline. I never want to control the other person, I just have to know if they are going to break my heart so I can be prepared(control the outcome but I can't know the outcome because you have to live each day to find the outcome...lots to learn). Does that even make sense? It does in my heart and mind. But what I am trying to learn to do is let go and know that other people create their own destinies. I want a man to choose me because he wants to be with ME and that he is sure of that. But I for sure haven't found that yet.

Because my mom came from hard circumstances herself with people tearing her down, that is what she did herself. She NEVER tore me down. She always encouraged me and told me I was wonderful and still does today and I know she believes it. But what she told herself and the way she spoke about herself was far from that and that is what I learned.

I have worked very hard on my self-worth over the last 10 years. I have made great headway with it. But this experience has taken my foundation and flushed it down the toilet. My mom thought she was ugly and worthless no matter what. That is what I hear and my unhealthy emotions from my childhood believe that, even though my logic doesn't necessarily agree. And since I am digging up 29 years of suppressed emotions, it isn't helping me feel safe and calm and good about me. But changing that in my head is hard but it is EXTREMELY important to me to change. Not only for me to be healthy, but one day, I NEED to have my self-worth in tact so that my children can. There is not much more important to me than this. They need a fighting chance in this hard world and I have to have that in order to give it to them. I will.

So another part of my worth that is taking a huge and painful hit right now is something else from my childhood. From nearly every single person in my life that has meant something to be, has abandoned me in one form or another. My needs have never solely come first for anyone, ever. My sister is the closest person and I know where I stand with her. I stand just behind her husband. She may disagree and say I am right next to him, but in reality, I know that I need to be just behind him and I will forever and always support that. However, she isn't my parent. When I was little, my mom chose other men in place of my greatest needs. She chose herself over me many, many times even though I don't think she can see that. So what that says to a child is that my needs are not worth it to anyone else which further translates in my unhealthy thoughts that I am not worth it to anyone, that I am not worth their efforts and fight. This has been proven per se, over and over and over and just happened again with Ian. He chose himself first and a different girl over me. My old roommate kicked me out of my apartment and made me homeless for a month because she moved her boyfriend in and she was one of my closest friends at the time. I could sadly go on and on. And so it creates this very desperate need to be loved by a man, and to have my needs and me come first and I put my worth on what they think. I also idealize men to become what I want them to be and what I see their potential to be instead of what they are at the moment. I completely ignore red flags for two reasons: I see things in black and white(he's either all good or all bad) and I have that horrible desperate need to fill all of the neglect in my life with a good man who will love me. None of these things are good. But the feelings are incredibly real and very painful. While you may say that my worth doesn't relate to what others think but in the end, in my unhealthy mind, would they leave if I had something good to offer. Would they leave me if I really was amazing or even good? These questions don't take into account the other person's issues at all but to me, my emotions that I just described are my reality.

So for the last little while I have been mad, very mad. I've been mad at my mom for the choices she made and the lack of what was given to me that would help me feel stable as an adult and feel worth it. I am absolutely pissed at the pain I feel when I think of Ian and his new girl and the whole situation. I am not mad that it ended, but how it all went down. I am mad at him because it didn't have to be like this at all and his lack of communication skills and more, his selfishness and manipulation of the whole situation that cuts me really deep and I don't want to hurt anymore about him or it. I am fine working through the other stuff, but I have been praying my soul out to not hate him because I kind of do right now and that I can just let him go like I have every other guy. My logic can clearly see the red flags that I ignored with him, but my heart misses the person who cared. Yuck.

All of these things are taking time to work on and I am always working on them so that I can heal and be healthy. It will get better. I know that. But right now, in the 10th circle of hell, I am kind of sick of it. :) But I truly believe this is the path that I need to be on right now. That I am paying the price for my greatest desire. I am doing everything I can to heal and I have felt the grace of Jesus Christ in my heart lift me on occasions that I simply cannot have that hurt destroying my heart and soul and mind anymore that day. I have been blessed. I know that my prayers and others are working. I know that through everything I am doing with seeing my counselor, seeing my trainer and spiritually doing more to keep me close to Heavenly Father, I will be healed and this will be an amazing growing experience...after it is over. I don't understand much about any of this and I have so many "why" questions, but all I want to do and all I pray to do and all I am striving to do each moment is trust in Heavenly Father and His plan for me. For sure there has never been a more trying experience in my life. I hope for the blessings that will be on the other side.

More Peace

Yesterday I actually started to feel that I was on the up and up and it felt SO GOOD. But last night was difficult and painful. I really can't wait until the day that I will not feel anything for Ian. I also can't wait until the day that I see the vision for why it all happened. I think I have some of those answers and once the pain stops hurting so much, I may actually appreciate them more. I can't wait to see the better man who I know is up ahead. While I say all of these things that I believe will come with time, I need to be cheerful and happy in today and know that I am doing my best at that.

I realized that while I feel that my needs don't seem to matter to anyone and honestly haven't ever come first for anyone in my life(I would argue that my needs come first for my sister, but she has a husband and I will forever know and support that he will always come first for her. I want him to.), for my entire life, there is one who has my needs at the forefront of His mind.

It is a honest miracle that I am who I am today. I have some serious issues from my childhood that I am working through but while there has never been the constant person on earth who always had me first, there is one not on earth. I have been abandoned by almost every single person that matters to me in my life in one form or another. While those are people on earth, I honestly feel that I have been taken care of all of my life by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I feel that when times were the absolute hardest when I was young, He put in me a determination to just keep going and to push on and then He strengthened me so that I could. I have always felt that Heavenly Father was listening to my prayers since I was a little girl. We weren't regular church goers unless I went with my Grandpa and Grandma and got donuts after(you know that was the real reason I went.) But I remember asking my mom to take me to church after we moved here to Utah and I went alone. While I was waiting for her to pick me up after, I remember praying. I have always prayed as if he was right there and knew everything. All of these experiences were before I ever knew about the Church I belong to now. I knew He was there. I didn't know how I knew it, but I did.

In this time of such trial when my past 29 years of things I have tried to forget are coming back and I am dealing with them and dealing with my heart being hurt from Ian, it is really trying and I have had a hard time trusting in Heavenly Father and knowing that He loves me. I am still praying for that because I need to know it in my head and heart. These past few months have challenged my faith in Him knowing what was best and if He was really leading me and doing what was best. I didn't stop reading my scriptures or going to the Temple once a week. I just kept going on with the questions and concerns in my heart and mind but still moving forward. My actions showed the faith I was struggling with in my heart and mind. I think that is the key, keep trusting and moving in His direction and do your VERY BEST and it will come together. Has it come together for me as of now? Nope. But I believe it will.

I wish I could tell you how many times a day I say in my heart to Heavenly Father, "I trust You, I trust You, I trust You....." because that is one of the things that so many blessings have told me over the years to do. Trust in Heavenly Father because you are in His hands and He is doing what is best for you. Trust in Him. That is what I am trying to do and saying it a hundred times a day helps me remember that He has this and even though it sucks worse than ever before, He is doing what is best for me.

This is the trial I have to pay in order to have what I want most. Why would this trial be any easier if it is the one thing that I want more than anything else in the entire world? So of course, this trial is going to push me to a place where I have never been to make sure that I will still choose faith and Him. Is Satan taking his very best shots at me...I can promise you with surety that he is. I have to walk through this. There is no other way. I can't bypass it or go around or fly over it, I have to walk every single excruciating step right through this because this horrible time is going to teach me exactly what I need. Yes, I can say that and believe that, but wow, it still is killing me.

I wish that my heart would stop hurting today and be done with hurting for a long time, but it hasn't...in fact, it kills. But once again, I am grateful for those close to me who lift me up. I am grateful for the people who should and do matter in my life because they love me and care what happens to me. They support me. They help keep me going. They are the angels bearing me up.

Grateful and hurt

Last night after my training session with Matt, I was grateful for him specifically. He is honestly great. Right now, he is my safe place. I am completely comfortable around him and will tell him just about anything and not feel judged. He is pushing me to be better. He isn't a muscle head stereo typical trainer, he is just chill. With everything going on, I am grateful that twice a week for an hour, I can be fine. For reals, everything happening in my life combined, and what happened last weekend has made this the worst few days of my entire life. I don't say that without really knowing that these are the worst. And I don't think it is all Ian. I think some of it comes from my past and just jumps on to the Ian part of it. The part of Ian is deeply painful because I need to let go of a future with him in it for many reasons. And believe me when I tell you this, I want to let go of it and I am slowly. That is a blessing that I have seen in my life, it may take me longer to get over a man, but when I am done, I am 100% done. In a blessing I got recently, it said that the Lord wants the very best for me. While I resolved myself to overlooking things in Ian because the whole was great, I don't think he is the very best for me. Even with knowing that, my heart hurts more than it ever has. I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. I feel that he should have manned up. And it kills me that he is so happy right now because he was lucky enough to have made the choice and be led to another love interest so quickly. I wasn't that lucky and honestly, I think it is less luck and more God's plan. But wow, wouldn't it be nice to have someone else just dull the pain? But once again, I think Matt has his stuff together because when we were talking he said in regards to getting over someone that you shouldn't jump into the next thing. He said you needed to spend time with loved ones whether it be friends or family. While I agree with this, I would be willing to give up possibly my right arm(very important!!) to take away all of the hurt I feel regarding this whole situation right now. I seriously feel like I am living deep in the 10th circle of hell. And honestly, because I feel that I don't think Ian is my very best because he falls short in areas that I need and I need someone worthy of me, why can't I just let this all go? There are many things I wish for, but at the end of the day, each person(I am trying to remind myself every single bloody minute) has to control their own destiny by the choices they make for themselves. While it kills me that Ian chose someone else to go forward with instead of me, it was his choice and I never want to control anyone else's choices. They're theirs to make and learn from and be happy from. Just like mine will shape me and have already shaped me. I feel like I have made some bad decisions and let my issues get in the way of my life and wow do I regret them today. But how do I know that those failures in my eyes weren't God's way of changing the course of my life to something better? I don't. Well in this moment, I don't know much. All I feel that I know right now is that this hurts worse than hell. More importantly, I can see Heavenly Father daily and the grace of Jesus Christ in my life as well. I still hurt almost all day long, but there are moments of tender mercies that give me a few minute breaks through out the day and when everything else sucks and is painful, those few minutes of peace are like a slice of heaven(sadly not in the form of a calorie free chocolate cake). I am trying to write in this more because I think it is important to remember the really bad days and each day as they have come and what was in them and how the Lord showed Himself in them. This isn't going to be very uplifting for a while, I'm afraid, but it will be honest so that one day I can look back and see what I have learned and just as importantly, how I can help someone who is going through it. It always helps to have people who truly understand where you are and are not judging you for being there or what you are feeling. I hope to always be someone like that.

It gets harder

I have made a new goal to write in this once a week. I haven't written in it because my life has been more difficult and painful than ever before in my life and being "Debbie Downer" didn't sound too nice. But in a blessing I received a year ago, I felt that I needed to do this as a form of peace and other reasons so I am going to be better about following that advice. Now, I may sound absolutely clinically depressed and who knows, maybe I really am, but I think it is more that I am more honest with my feelings and what they are making me feel. I received a blessing from my best friend this last week and in the blessing, it stated that I was going to go through more trials up ahead, one that I have never experienced, and that in the next few months I would learn an enormous amount for my future and being a mother. Let's start there. After I heard that in the blessing and my friend went home, I sobbed. I sobbed hard. For the last three and a half months have been the hardest I have ever been through for the reason of breaking it off with the man that I really wanted to be with, and just learning last Friday that he is happily dating the girl I suspected(yes, that tore apart every last piece of me and I can't even describe the anger and pain associated with it), learning about how I react to things now because of my childhood and past which is something that affects every single aspect of my life. I have honestly felt like a failure recently in the relationship department. I pushed/forced him away. And two things on that, I prayed my soul out that I wouldn't mess it up even if my issues came to play because I didn't actually know how to be in a good relationship. But I still did. And no, I definitely didn't break it on my own, he for sure had a big part in it, but in the end I feel the failure there immensely because I wanted it to work. Now the other side to that is that I prayed seriously hard for Heavenly Father's will the whole time and I honestly and sincerely meant it. So what I have been struggling with is if the end came because of my issues or if it really was Heavenly Father's will. I guess honestly it could be both and there was a reason for it because Heaven knows I prayed to be the best I could be. One more thing today and then I am done for now. The fact that he is dating someone else hurts me very deeply. While it shouldn't even come close to affecting who I am just because he chose someone else over me, it makes me feel undesirable as a person and makes me feel that she was better in his eyes than I was. That kills me because I really was great to him and showed him me in all my glory but also me in my real state of everything. So I feel incredibly rejected. And so I believe that part of all of this is why I had to see the horrible picture of them with their hands on each others' legs looking absolutely happier than ever. I have to make sure and feel that regardless of what any man or anyone for that matter does or think, that my great worth doesn't change. That is the lesson I am praying and fasting to learn right now. It needs to happen. It's Satan telling me the other stuff but I just can't seem to pull myself out and remember why I am great or worth fighting for in a relationship because he definitely gave up and moved on. I think about my trainer Matt. He is a great guy in all ways. I really like him as a person and just great. He told me that he chased this girl for a long time and she kind of dogged him over and over. He knew she wasn't the best for him and eventually through time(when he said this part I almost threw a weight at him..so sick of hearing the time answer when it feels like homeboy I dated was over me in a millisecond.) But with Matt, I don't think her choices made him any less of a person. He is still the same great person he is with or without her. How do I feel that way about me? I do I let go of this pain? While everything in my life feels unsure, prayers I believe are heard when you are praying for someone else. I asked some of my closest friends to pray for me to be completely over and let go Ian and to know my worth. While everything else seems so uncertain, I believe in prayer and I believe it will work. And today I am also fast for all of it with the most important part being my worth. I want to let this all go so I can move on to the other hard things I am dealing with. I don''t want to feel that feel of a knife in my heart, mind and soul each time I look at something that reminds me of Ian and his new woman. I want to just let it go and move on. It's happened before and that's how I know it will happen again, I just want it to hurry up.