It gets harder

I have made a new goal to write in this once a week. I haven't written in it because my life has been more difficult and painful than ever before in my life and being "Debbie Downer" didn't sound too nice. But in a blessing I received a year ago, I felt that I needed to do this as a form of peace and other reasons so I am going to be better about following that advice. Now, I may sound absolutely clinically depressed and who knows, maybe I really am, but I think it is more that I am more honest with my feelings and what they are making me feel. I received a blessing from my best friend this last week and in the blessing, it stated that I was going to go through more trials up ahead, one that I have never experienced, and that in the next few months I would learn an enormous amount for my future and being a mother. Let's start there. After I heard that in the blessing and my friend went home, I sobbed. I sobbed hard. For the last three and a half months have been the hardest I have ever been through for the reason of breaking it off with the man that I really wanted to be with, and just learning last Friday that he is happily dating the girl I suspected(yes, that tore apart every last piece of me and I can't even describe the anger and pain associated with it), learning about how I react to things now because of my childhood and past which is something that affects every single aspect of my life. I have honestly felt like a failure recently in the relationship department. I pushed/forced him away. And two things on that, I prayed my soul out that I wouldn't mess it up even if my issues came to play because I didn't actually know how to be in a good relationship. But I still did. And no, I definitely didn't break it on my own, he for sure had a big part in it, but in the end I feel the failure there immensely because I wanted it to work. Now the other side to that is that I prayed seriously hard for Heavenly Father's will the whole time and I honestly and sincerely meant it. So what I have been struggling with is if the end came because of my issues or if it really was Heavenly Father's will. I guess honestly it could be both and there was a reason for it because Heaven knows I prayed to be the best I could be. One more thing today and then I am done for now. The fact that he is dating someone else hurts me very deeply. While it shouldn't even come close to affecting who I am just because he chose someone else over me, it makes me feel undesirable as a person and makes me feel that she was better in his eyes than I was. That kills me because I really was great to him and showed him me in all my glory but also me in my real state of everything. So I feel incredibly rejected. And so I believe that part of all of this is why I had to see the horrible picture of them with their hands on each others' legs looking absolutely happier than ever. I have to make sure and feel that regardless of what any man or anyone for that matter does or think, that my great worth doesn't change. That is the lesson I am praying and fasting to learn right now. It needs to happen. It's Satan telling me the other stuff but I just can't seem to pull myself out and remember why I am great or worth fighting for in a relationship because he definitely gave up and moved on. I think about my trainer Matt. He is a great guy in all ways. I really like him as a person and just great. He told me that he chased this girl for a long time and she kind of dogged him over and over. He knew she wasn't the best for him and eventually through time(when he said this part I almost threw a weight at him..so sick of hearing the time answer when it feels like homeboy I dated was over me in a millisecond.) But with Matt, I don't think her choices made him any less of a person. He is still the same great person he is with or without her. How do I feel that way about me? I do I let go of this pain? While everything in my life feels unsure, prayers I believe are heard when you are praying for someone else. I asked some of my closest friends to pray for me to be completely over and let go Ian and to know my worth. While everything else seems so uncertain, I believe in prayer and I believe it will work. And today I am also fast for all of it with the most important part being my worth. I want to let this all go so I can move on to the other hard things I am dealing with. I don''t want to feel that feel of a knife in my heart, mind and soul each time I look at something that reminds me of Ian and his new woman. I want to just let it go and move on. It's happened before and that's how I know it will happen again, I just want it to hurry up.