Grateful and hurt

Last night after my training session with Matt, I was grateful for him specifically. He is honestly great. Right now, he is my safe place. I am completely comfortable around him and will tell him just about anything and not feel judged. He is pushing me to be better. He isn't a muscle head stereo typical trainer, he is just chill. With everything going on, I am grateful that twice a week for an hour, I can be fine. For reals, everything happening in my life combined, and what happened last weekend has made this the worst few days of my entire life. I don't say that without really knowing that these are the worst. And I don't think it is all Ian. I think some of it comes from my past and just jumps on to the Ian part of it. The part of Ian is deeply painful because I need to let go of a future with him in it for many reasons. And believe me when I tell you this, I want to let go of it and I am slowly. That is a blessing that I have seen in my life, it may take me longer to get over a man, but when I am done, I am 100% done. In a blessing I got recently, it said that the Lord wants the very best for me. While I resolved myself to overlooking things in Ian because the whole was great, I don't think he is the very best for me. Even with knowing that, my heart hurts more than it ever has. I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. I feel that he should have manned up. And it kills me that he is so happy right now because he was lucky enough to have made the choice and be led to another love interest so quickly. I wasn't that lucky and honestly, I think it is less luck and more God's plan. But wow, wouldn't it be nice to have someone else just dull the pain? But once again, I think Matt has his stuff together because when we were talking he said in regards to getting over someone that you shouldn't jump into the next thing. He said you needed to spend time with loved ones whether it be friends or family. While I agree with this, I would be willing to give up possibly my right arm(very important!!) to take away all of the hurt I feel regarding this whole situation right now. I seriously feel like I am living deep in the 10th circle of hell. And honestly, because I feel that I don't think Ian is my very best because he falls short in areas that I need and I need someone worthy of me, why can't I just let this all go? There are many things I wish for, but at the end of the day, each person(I am trying to remind myself every single bloody minute) has to control their own destiny by the choices they make for themselves. While it kills me that Ian chose someone else to go forward with instead of me, it was his choice and I never want to control anyone else's choices. They're theirs to make and learn from and be happy from. Just like mine will shape me and have already shaped me. I feel like I have made some bad decisions and let my issues get in the way of my life and wow do I regret them today. But how do I know that those failures in my eyes weren't God's way of changing the course of my life to something better? I don't. Well in this moment, I don't know much. All I feel that I know right now is that this hurts worse than hell. More importantly, I can see Heavenly Father daily and the grace of Jesus Christ in my life as well. I still hurt almost all day long, but there are moments of tender mercies that give me a few minute breaks through out the day and when everything else sucks and is painful, those few minutes of peace are like a slice of heaven(sadly not in the form of a calorie free chocolate cake). I am trying to write in this more because I think it is important to remember the really bad days and each day as they have come and what was in them and how the Lord showed Himself in them. This isn't going to be very uplifting for a while, I'm afraid, but it will be honest so that one day I can look back and see what I have learned and just as importantly, how I can help someone who is going through it. It always helps to have people who truly understand where you are and are not judging you for being there or what you are feeling. I hope to always be someone like that.