Ouch

You know when you think that it can't get worse? You really should never think that way because it always can. When you think you have hit the bottom and are working your way back up, something comes up and slams you back on that hard concrete floor.

Wednesday was a really difficult day. I didn't realize how blessed I was with having a few days of less pain and honestly, some ease. So when Wednesday was extremely difficult, I thought that Thursday was a new day and I could do it. Thursday came with new and different challenges and realizations of how I want to change and am not there yet and still struggling to know how. Then yesterday. I opened the day with some criticism that was hard to take. Then at lunch, one of my closest and most trusted friends told me I am too much to deal with right now. She can't handle me anymore. She is not leaving our friendship but she can't be there for me the way she has been because it is just too much. The stuff with Ian hurt, but this cut deeper because it came from someone who loves me and knows me better than almost any other person on earth and that I have trusted with almost everything that is me. I don't want to be too much for people, especially her. I sincerely want her to be happy and not be bogged down by me and my issues. In my darkest hour, she had to take a step back. While I completely understand that I have a lot to deal with and it honestly is toxic and because she loves me as much as she does, she can't take it and be there for me the way she has because it has an affect on her. This would make perfect sense to someone who wasn't going through abandonment issues and other things right now. But I am. How can I trust to fully trust in someone who isn't my sister with all of me and trust that they won't have to bow out of my life when it gets hard if my best friend has to, someone who honestly loves and cares for me? Because what this unhealthily teaches me, is that I can't. And that is not at all what I should be thinking. So when you think it can't get worse, please don't say it, it can.Will this all be okay somehow? Yes. Do I know how to do any of this? No. What I really want to learn how to do most right now is: how do I still be her friend in my black and white brain full of issues and confusion and not push her out and away because I am so deeply hurt? I don't know how to do that, but I want to learn how. My black and white brain always cuts them out and I don't want to do that this time. As with everything else, I will do my best. I just don't know where to start.