Things I am Learning

So two warnings: 1. I have been feisty and a bit angry the last week and that is actually the reason I am writing this all out because I am hoping it will relieve it. I don't like to be mad or have contentious feelings in me. I am grateful that there is only a handful of people who read this. But I hope that somewhere, sometime, someone will be benefited from reading something written in here. And 2. This isn't the most uplifting blog or post of all time. And it may not be for a little while. But that is why it is called, "Still Learning" because that is exactly what I am doing. A lot of learning for me happens in really hard times. I like to see the growth and the movement I am making so that when hard times knock at my door again, I can look back and know that I can get through the next trial. So while this isn't the happiest thing you have ever read, wait for it because there is a miracle coming that will fill your heart with joy. That's what I believe.

It is no secret from my last few blog posts that the last four months have been in the 10th circle of hell. I have been seeing a counselor to figure some things out and become healthier. It's been interesting to learn all that I have and I am grateful for her because I know that I will be a much better and healthier person for it. It is for me. So here are some things that I have/had in my past and what they do and how they feel.

I have severe abandonment issues. I saw an old friend on Sunday and he is the type of friend that I can tell anything to. The first thing after I said I had abandonment issues especially because nearly everyone in my life, including my mom, has abandoned me, he said, "I will never abandon you." And while he was saying it kind of joking, he meant it. I appreciated that. My abandonment issues are so severe that when I feel abandoned by someone I care about, whether it is family, friends, guy I am dating, etc., I have PTSD. Now what that means is that my emotions feel overpoweringly hopeless and fearful and alone and anxious and that there is no hope for the future. You can feel the anxiety in your entire soul and it is hard to come out of. I don't drop to the ground like war vets but it is definitely very real inside of me. Thankfully it isn't something that just anyone can tell is happening or see but I can tell you from experiencing them, that these feelings suck worse than just about anything else.

In my childhood, my mom did the best she could with what she had. But in the end, her choices still hurt me deeply and still affects me today. When I was little, my mom was married to a man who abused me in every way possible. So we escaped to Utah. Now this was a very heroic and very strong thing for my mom to do and she did it. However the hard part begins after we got here. A parent is someone who comforts their child and takes the stress of life on their shoulders and doesn't make their children bear it. A parent helps a child feel safe and stable and not alone. Sadly, my mom suffered from her past and past choices and wasn't able to handle much else. So physically my mom was there, but those things that I just described a parent does, she didn't do. So I took on the responsibilities of an adult. You have to picture an 8 year-old little girl. When the eviction notices came, she felt the stress and her mom didn't ease anything. We didn't know how we were going to live and make the bills and getting new clothes, it wasn't even an option. Not because my mom didn't want to but because we were barely putting food on the table. There were bill collectors calling all of the time and growing up being on welfare and thinking that bankruptcy was a good option. When I was 12, my mom had to work nights to support us and I babysat my 2 younger siblings. That was terrifying as a child.

My mom was still trying to be okay herself so I grew up instantly at 8 and was strong and supported her and comforted her and kept her together so that she could go out and work so we wouldn't be homeless. I held it together the best a child does. A child doesn't have the understanding of an adult. So what I did when I was little, I still do today. As a child, I came from such chaos that I would always try and put things together so they were okay and peaceful. That may not make sense. But I have to have peace and I try and control situations so that I can have peace because I was the only one giving that to myself and to my siblings and mom(besides Heavenly Father). I also see things in black and white. I see as a child sees. Either you care or you don't. Either you love me or you don't. Either I am going to be good at soccer or I am not. There is no in between. You are either doing your very best or you aren't. Either you are good, or you are bad. Now because of these things as well, my head and heart are very separate. My heart and soul are ruled by emotions. While my head and mind are logical and if I think about something, I can judge it pretty accurately. But when I feel something, it is VERY hard for my mind to come in and tell my heart how it really is. My emotions can be like a child's.

Another thing is that in my life, I feel the need to know everything, all of the time. Heaven help me. And I have to be in control of situations that can potentially hurt me. For instance, I NEED to know if someone cares about me, black or white, yes or no. In relationships, this is hard. I have never in my life seen a healthy relationship up close on a daily basis. I am reading a lot to help educate me. But in relationships, I can't go at them the same way I do when I am going after a goal(but that's what I have done). I have to let go and let the other person go at their speed and choose what they would like on their timeline. I never want to control the other person, I just have to know if they are going to break my heart so I can be prepared(control the outcome but I can't know the outcome because you have to live each day to find the outcome...lots to learn). Does that even make sense? It does in my heart and mind. But what I am trying to learn to do is let go and know that other people create their own destinies. I want a man to choose me because he wants to be with ME and that he is sure of that. But I for sure haven't found that yet.

Because my mom came from hard circumstances herself with people tearing her down, that is what she did herself. She NEVER tore me down. She always encouraged me and told me I was wonderful and still does today and I know she believes it. But what she told herself and the way she spoke about herself was far from that and that is what I learned.

I have worked very hard on my self-worth over the last 10 years. I have made great headway with it. But this experience has taken my foundation and flushed it down the toilet. My mom thought she was ugly and worthless no matter what. That is what I hear and my unhealthy emotions from my childhood believe that, even though my logic doesn't necessarily agree. And since I am digging up 29 years of suppressed emotions, it isn't helping me feel safe and calm and good about me. But changing that in my head is hard but it is EXTREMELY important to me to change. Not only for me to be healthy, but one day, I NEED to have my self-worth in tact so that my children can. There is not much more important to me than this. They need a fighting chance in this hard world and I have to have that in order to give it to them. I will.

So another part of my worth that is taking a huge and painful hit right now is something else from my childhood. From nearly every single person in my life that has meant something to be, has abandoned me in one form or another. My needs have never solely come first for anyone, ever. My sister is the closest person and I know where I stand with her. I stand just behind her husband. She may disagree and say I am right next to him, but in reality, I know that I need to be just behind him and I will forever and always support that. However, she isn't my parent. When I was little, my mom chose other men in place of my greatest needs. She chose herself over me many, many times even though I don't think she can see that. So what that says to a child is that my needs are not worth it to anyone else which further translates in my unhealthy thoughts that I am not worth it to anyone, that I am not worth their efforts and fight. This has been proven per se, over and over and over and just happened again with Ian. He chose himself first and a different girl over me. My old roommate kicked me out of my apartment and made me homeless for a month because she moved her boyfriend in and she was one of my closest friends at the time. I could sadly go on and on. And so it creates this very desperate need to be loved by a man, and to have my needs and me come first and I put my worth on what they think. I also idealize men to become what I want them to be and what I see their potential to be instead of what they are at the moment. I completely ignore red flags for two reasons: I see things in black and white(he's either all good or all bad) and I have that horrible desperate need to fill all of the neglect in my life with a good man who will love me. None of these things are good. But the feelings are incredibly real and very painful. While you may say that my worth doesn't relate to what others think but in the end, in my unhealthy mind, would they leave if I had something good to offer. Would they leave me if I really was amazing or even good? These questions don't take into account the other person's issues at all but to me, my emotions that I just described are my reality.

So for the last little while I have been mad, very mad. I've been mad at my mom for the choices she made and the lack of what was given to me that would help me feel stable as an adult and feel worth it. I am absolutely pissed at the pain I feel when I think of Ian and his new girl and the whole situation. I am not mad that it ended, but how it all went down. I am mad at him because it didn't have to be like this at all and his lack of communication skills and more, his selfishness and manipulation of the whole situation that cuts me really deep and I don't want to hurt anymore about him or it. I am fine working through the other stuff, but I have been praying my soul out to not hate him because I kind of do right now and that I can just let him go like I have every other guy. My logic can clearly see the red flags that I ignored with him, but my heart misses the person who cared. Yuck.

All of these things are taking time to work on and I am always working on them so that I can heal and be healthy. It will get better. I know that. But right now, in the 10th circle of hell, I am kind of sick of it. :) But I truly believe this is the path that I need to be on right now. That I am paying the price for my greatest desire. I am doing everything I can to heal and I have felt the grace of Jesus Christ in my heart lift me on occasions that I simply cannot have that hurt destroying my heart and soul and mind anymore that day. I have been blessed. I know that my prayers and others are working. I know that through everything I am doing with seeing my counselor, seeing my trainer and spiritually doing more to keep me close to Heavenly Father, I will be healed and this will be an amazing growing experience...after it is over. I don't understand much about any of this and I have so many "why" questions, but all I want to do and all I pray to do and all I am striving to do each moment is trust in Heavenly Father and His plan for me. For sure there has never been a more trying experience in my life. I hope for the blessings that will be on the other side.