More Peace

Yesterday I actually started to feel that I was on the up and up and it felt SO GOOD. But last night was difficult and painful. I really can't wait until the day that I will not feel anything for Ian. I also can't wait until the day that I see the vision for why it all happened. I think I have some of those answers and once the pain stops hurting so much, I may actually appreciate them more. I can't wait to see the better man who I know is up ahead. While I say all of these things that I believe will come with time, I need to be cheerful and happy in today and know that I am doing my best at that.

I realized that while I feel that my needs don't seem to matter to anyone and honestly haven't ever come first for anyone in my life(I would argue that my needs come first for my sister, but she has a husband and I will forever know and support that he will always come first for her. I want him to.), for my entire life, there is one who has my needs at the forefront of His mind.

It is a honest miracle that I am who I am today. I have some serious issues from my childhood that I am working through but while there has never been the constant person on earth who always had me first, there is one not on earth. I have been abandoned by almost every single person that matters to me in my life in one form or another. While those are people on earth, I honestly feel that I have been taken care of all of my life by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I feel that when times were the absolute hardest when I was young, He put in me a determination to just keep going and to push on and then He strengthened me so that I could. I have always felt that Heavenly Father was listening to my prayers since I was a little girl. We weren't regular church goers unless I went with my Grandpa and Grandma and got donuts after(you know that was the real reason I went.) But I remember asking my mom to take me to church after we moved here to Utah and I went alone. While I was waiting for her to pick me up after, I remember praying. I have always prayed as if he was right there and knew everything. All of these experiences were before I ever knew about the Church I belong to now. I knew He was there. I didn't know how I knew it, but I did.

In this time of such trial when my past 29 years of things I have tried to forget are coming back and I am dealing with them and dealing with my heart being hurt from Ian, it is really trying and I have had a hard time trusting in Heavenly Father and knowing that He loves me. I am still praying for that because I need to know it in my head and heart. These past few months have challenged my faith in Him knowing what was best and if He was really leading me and doing what was best. I didn't stop reading my scriptures or going to the Temple once a week. I just kept going on with the questions and concerns in my heart and mind but still moving forward. My actions showed the faith I was struggling with in my heart and mind. I think that is the key, keep trusting and moving in His direction and do your VERY BEST and it will come together. Has it come together for me as of now? Nope. But I believe it will.

I wish I could tell you how many times a day I say in my heart to Heavenly Father, "I trust You, I trust You, I trust You....." because that is one of the things that so many blessings have told me over the years to do. Trust in Heavenly Father because you are in His hands and He is doing what is best for you. Trust in Him. That is what I am trying to do and saying it a hundred times a day helps me remember that He has this and even though it sucks worse than ever before, He is doing what is best for me.

This is the trial I have to pay in order to have what I want most. Why would this trial be any easier if it is the one thing that I want more than anything else in the entire world? So of course, this trial is going to push me to a place where I have never been to make sure that I will still choose faith and Him. Is Satan taking his very best shots at me...I can promise you with surety that he is. I have to walk through this. There is no other way. I can't bypass it or go around or fly over it, I have to walk every single excruciating step right through this because this horrible time is going to teach me exactly what I need. Yes, I can say that and believe that, but wow, it still is killing me.

I wish that my heart would stop hurting today and be done with hurting for a long time, but it hasn't...in fact, it kills. But once again, I am grateful for those close to me who lift me up. I am grateful for the people who should and do matter in my life because they love me and care what happens to me. They support me. They help keep me going. They are the angels bearing me up.