Feelings and emotions are sometimes(let's be honest here, a lot of the time) hard to deal with. I consider myself to be logical. I really am. But then my heart gets involved and even though I can logically think about things, I can't seem to let go of what my heart wants. Then comes the conflict inside my soul.
For instance, logically in my head, moving on from "Saved by the Bell" is completely fine with me, however my heart sees him and it is right back on the "Saved by the Bell" train. Heaven help me just let it all go.
Then there is this whole roommate thing that is hard for me. I sincerely feel betrayed. It isn't about the guy or being jealous. It is about the friendship and the shattering of that bond of trust that has been built up for 5 years. Some may say, "why let something like this break up your friendship?" I think that everyone makes their choices but what they forget is that they can't choose their consequences. I want to let things go back to normal but then I feel like that says to her, "please do this anytime" and that it is okay. I don't believe that what she did is fine. I think it sucks. However I don't want to bring a split into our house. I wish it wouldn't have happened. But it did and so I have to deal with it. I don't like contention. I sincerely try to live so that I can kneel down at night and pray and feel that I did what my Heavenly Father would have wanted me to do, even if it is hard. So for now all I can say is that I need time.
On the flip side of this there are those friends who love you no matter what and will always be true to you. They see you in every single light and situation. After all of that, they still think you are amazing and love you. What a miracle that is. For me, that is what keeps me going through my life. It builds up my self-worth. I know that they are behind me and will love me through bad choices, happiness, pain and suffering, joy and the best times in my life. There are a choice few of my friends that I know will always be there. For a girl with abandonment issues, that is one of my biggest blessings. They earned every ounce of every bit of my trust and even better, my unconditional love forever. I believe that certain people are in your life for a reason and these people are Heavenly Father's blessings to me. No matter how ugly it gets and how raw my heart is, they are there.
While I haven't figured everything out yet, I will keep trusting in Heavenly Father to do His will in my life.
I think that you feel so betrayed because most of us expect our friends to treat us the way that we treat them. When they do something that we would never do to them, we are shocked, and then feel deeply hurt. I think that your friendship will heal over time, but sadly, you probably won't get back to, or go past, the level of trust that you had before. But I think that is okay-- you need to protect yourself and not allow people to take advantage of you (unless you welcome it). Trust is essential in any relationship, and the longer it is able to build, the stronger it is.
ReplyDeleteI love everything you said. You should have written my post! Thank you for this.
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