2012

I am so happy for a new year. While 2012 is a year where I learned an enormous amount, I am glad it is over. It has been the hardest year of my life. Thankfully the last couple of months have felt better. At the end of the year, I want to remember those things I have learned.

I learned about what happiness is and how you can have it each and every day in your life. I can have 23 hours, 58 minute of severe hard pain during the day but for 2 minutes, something good happened that can and did bring me happiness. And on those tough days, and on the good ones, you have to look for it. You have to look for the moment in that day where you felt happy. For me, it is as simple as getting to eat a delicious dinner or watching something on TV that makes me smile and lifts pain from me for a moment. Every single day has had a different way of making me happy but in each day, I found happiness. So that is how you do it, that is how you have happiness in your life always and to be happy all of your life. You choose to look for that bit of happiness. I look forward to the day when I am so happy that my heart feels like it will completely explode, but for today, I will take the peaceful moments of happiness that truly bring me happiness.

I learned that this life isn't about most of the time being easy and a little bit being hard. It isn't that most of the time is really happy and then a hard time in between. I have come to see that life is hard with really happy spots along the road. I would say that there is something hard for each person most of the time of their lives. It may not be hard for me what someone else is going through, but what I am going through may be a cinch for them to get through. All I know is that hard times come to each person. It is inevitable. It is because we are here to learn and to grow. Yes we grow in good and great times, but I feel like doing hard things and going through hard times seems to increase our learning capacity to its fullest. This isn't a bad thing because even when it is hard, you can still find your happiness in each day.

I have learned to love me. I am not even close to where I want to be or need to be on this, but I am far beyond where I have always been unconsciously. I have been in counseling since June of this year and I have learned an enormous amount about me and how I deal with things and why I deal with things that way and how it can potentially affect my future children. I have learned that I learned how to be from how my mom was, not necessarily what she told me. My mom tells me that she is proud of me in every single card she gives me and to my face. She tells me I am beautiful and wonderful. She always has. But what my mom is to herself is cruel. She tears herself down about her weight about her status, really about everything. But then she will nurture those around her and praise them. While my mom told me all of those nice things, I learned what she did. I am kind and loving to others and very nurturing to those I love most, but I am plain out mean to myself. I damage myself with my thoughts. I expect perfection and can never achieve that and anything less is a failure to me. Now if you were to ask me if I held a standard like that to others, even those closest to me, I would never, ever do that. In October I felt like I had taken many steps back from healing and feeling better because I felt horrible again for a few reasons. When I went to see Janice(counselor)she said that Ian wasn't hurting me anymore, I was hurting myself. Well that is just stupid! Why in the world would I hurt myself??! But it is true. I am very logical. That is how I got through when I was younger trying to carry my own load. I would see what "could' be happening and the worst possible situation because I wanted to be ready for it. So to myself, I would say that Ian was going to get married to his girlfriend and that he loved her more than anyone else and she is the one for him. Now this could very well be true, but why in the world would I be thinking that in October??! This is destructive and once I saw that I was doing it and not being nice to me, I started talking to myself(and I felt funny for doing it) and telling myself that I was okay. I would tell myself logically things I knew and acknowledged things I honestly didn't know. I was nice to myself and nurtured myself. I still can feel myself fall back into saying mean things to myself but as I notice it, I just try and nurture myself.

Ian. What I learned about Ian. By October I had clearly seen and felt that I missed big red flags with Ian and I knew that I didn't want to be with him. Maybe if he had some serious counseling, but really, I never ever, ever saw anything ever happening again, especially because I didn't feel like he was my perfect fit...at all. He couldn't have been my dream because my dream is a man treating me the way I would treat him and let me just tell you, I will give my all to the right man. Ian wasn't my dream and whatever he is giving the other girl still wouldn't be enough for ME, even now. It is more the pride of it and satisfying the feelings of feeling enough for someone and be worth fighting for. But in the end, was he worth my fight? No, because he wasn't fighting for me and chose himself and will continue to do that in future relationships. I don't want to be married to him to have a daughter have a dance recital and have him not come because work was more important....no, not good enough, or better said, not even close to the right fit. Anyway, I hit bottom with this situation because it is a situation that has happened over and over and over in my life starting with my mom.

My mom and what I have learned. It wasn't that my mom didn't want to be there for me, I just think she didn't know how. But I have to say that it sucks that she wasn't and has greatly harmed me in my life. It sucks that she didn't "fight" for me because she has this desperate need to be with a man and that always outweighed me. I get that need because is has been very strong in me, but thankfully it is shrinking a lot because I know how to deal with it. But still, that feeling of not being worth it and wanting to feel like I am worth it, dates all the way back to when I became an adult at age 8. I wasn't taken care of in the way a child should, soothed when I feared, I had to be the strong one for my mom and for everyone else. So that need was never fulfilled and neglect, unknowingly in my opinion, happened in a very great way. I never had anyone I could count on but myself and I was not in a good position to make it out well of the situation I was in. We were on welfare and I would see how we didn't have food and she couldn't pay the bills and always had bill collectors calling and it would stress me out because I felt like I had to fix it and didn't know how. I started babysitting other kids so that I could buy clothes from Thrift Town or if I was lucky, at Walmart. I felt like I wore used clothes. It didn't help my self-esteem. I can't explain my childhood besides using feelings of anxiousness and fear and failure and never going to amount to anything because of where I came from and never being soothed and told that it was all going to be okay. I know that if my mom understood how important that was to me back then, I am sure she would have tried harder to help and to soothe me. But those feelings never were soothed...think of a small child with those feelings...wouldn't you go and soothe them and tell them it is going to be okay? You would and I needed that and these feelings of being alone and needing to fix everything for everyone and make everyone happy created control issues for me and a giant black hole that cannot be filled of a desperate need to be loved and taken care of and someone who will fight for me and not leave because everyone leaves me in one way or the other. And those feelings have followed me here at age 30. I can't believe that I have lived so long in fear and anxiousness but I can see it in my past. So learning about these things has helped me be able to start to find a healthy way to fill that black hole and to let go of control that I really don't have.

I have learned that I have control over nothing. :) It's true. I always feel like I have to control the happiness of those around me and gratefully I have learned that I can't. I can't control what another person chooses. I used to want to control(still do a little) situations(and turned into people) so that I could prevent hurt to come to me. I can't control that. I can't control when I will find my husband. I can't control if something good or bad happens to me next week. All I can control is how I deal with whatever comes. It doesn't mean that I don't fight hard for my goals because I do fight hard, but it means that I have to live in each day and accept that I will deal with whatever happens. I still make choices every day, but I have no way of controlling how it will all turn out. Subconsciously, I have thought that I could control all of this all of my life. It is relieving to know that I can't and helps take away some of that anxiousness and need to control. Ultimately I have always wanted to make their own choice, I just didn't want their choices to hurt me. Now, I understand that their choices may hurt me and understand that I will deal with it.

I have learned that one thing that makes my black hole bigger in me is when I feel like I have to be my family's or anyone else's mom and fix everything that isn't going right in their life. I do this a lot with my mom. It is so hard on me that I can't go in and make her life better. She still has a hard life and it brings my sister and I to tears almost every time we see her. It is extremely difficult. I also feel like I have to be my brother's mom and show him how to be the best and get out of our situation. I feel like I have to make sure for all of the things that I didn't do for him as a mother. But wait, I am not his mother. He already has one. But there is this great pressure in me that I want to pull him out and do all of these things to make sure first that he knows that I love him and next, to help him succeed. I can't force him and as I know well, most things are learned through experience. So after Thanksgiving, I had a realization. I realized that when I feel those feelings of needing to be everyone's mom or even just one person's mom, that black hole gets larger and then the desperate need to find a husband to love me increases by about a hundred. And it isn't a normal wanting to find a husband, it is a NEED and a desperate need which isn't healthy. Have you heard that Ne-Yo song, "Let Me Love You"? I really want someone to feel that way about me and understand that I struggle with loving me because I didn't learn a lot from my childhood. I know my mom loves me deeply, very deeply, but her actions told me that I wasn't the most important thing and fighting for me wasn't important enough to her. As an adult, I can see it was because she didn't really understand, but good or bad, it is the truth of how I feel and therefore it greatly affects me every day. After realizing that being a mom to other's was a reason for that hole to get bigger, it was a relief because I could focus on not doing that. I have been far better at that since and it has helped.

This year for the first time on Christmas and Thanksgiving, I felt fine that I was where I am in my life and that I was single. There has never been anything more important to me than to get married. But as that hole gets smaller, I can be healthy about it. Before I would be sick at thinking that I would still not be married by the next Christmas or New Year, but I have grown healthier because my thoughts have been more of, "I have been single the last ten years and it has been okay, I can do it again this year if that is the best path." That alone is a huge progression.

I have learned how to eat healthier and control portion sizes and not eat emotionally. We didn't have fruits and vegetables a lot growing up. We were dirt poor and my mom emotionally eats and so casseroles and processed foods and pizza once a week was on the list and that is how we ate. When I served in Denmark, I was introduced to more fruits and vegetables and I really enjoyed them. So when I got home, I ate more of them, but I still didn't really know how to eat and be healthy. I would go to the gym, but what you put in your body is basically how you control your weight and honestly how you feel. I think teaching children portion sizes and eating well is a huge blessing to them. Don't make it about calories or that chocolate cake is bad food, you just teach them how to eat healthy...and healthy in my opinion includes chocolate cake every once in a while. I think my self-esteem would have been better because I would have been smaller and just felt healthier and not so weighed down. I want to teach my children how to be healthy and happy and teach them that going to the gym helps clear your mind of stress and helps you feel better inside and out. It is healthy. That is one great lesson I have learned this year. So far, I have toned up my body by being healthy, not on a diet, just being healthy. And one of my favorite things is from a close friend, she said I was beautiful before I lost weight and I am still beautiful. And that is true. I feel better now because I am healthier.

I learned this year that without knowing it, I would expect others to fix my problem. They HAD to have the answer. I would seek comfort from them because I didn't know how to comfort myself. Not healthy. This was one of the most difficult lessons I learned this year. But I learned how to not place my problems to be fixed on anyone else but me and Heavenly Father. This will be a huge blessing when I get married because I will be able to understand that he won't be able to fix my problems, that I still have to comfort myself. Now the balance of this is something I am still trying to work out. I closed off completely and stopped really letting people in at first because my world is so black and white. But as time has gone on, I am learning to balance it.

I learned this year that life in my eyes is very childlike, it is very black and white. It is VERY hard for me to live in the gray. But life as an adult is mostly in the gray. No wonder I have been so uncomfortable! Haha. And one of the areas that hardest for me to live in the gray is dating and being interested in someone. What I didn't realize is that I was practicing that since June. But first, I started to be interested in a man at work at the beginning of December. It was an eye-opening experience. Before it was trying to get him to like me quick so that he won't go choose a different girl. If I can hurry and make him fall in love with me, he will stay and then I can get married and have my dream. Oh goodness. Well I can feel impatience in this from day one. Once I realized that I want to date someone, they need to hurry up and ask me out and see if we are going to go anywhere. Now that hurrying sends subconscious vibes to guys of desperation or too much too soon or something like that. And really I like getting to know someone to make sure I am not missing any red flags like I have in the past. So it was nice to realize why I feel so impatient. And then when I realized that, Janice pointed out that the way I am with Matt(trainer) is a great example of living in the gray and being healthy. In my mind, I have no problem being myself completely with Matt because he isn't Mormon and therefore we will never date. It doesn't change the fact that I am attracted to him and have a great time with him. That is the key. That is what I want with someone else, to get to naturally get to know each other and really be comfortable. The reason we are(and I have issues pushing him away a couple of times) is that it has been 6 months of getting to know him and building that trust. So by thinking of Matt while liking this other guy helped me chill out. I am friends with Matt and that is first what I want with the other guy. The other thing that is good is that as of now, nothing has happened with that guy and I am okay that it may never happen because it is his choice and my choice is someone who will make the effort. And I can't control it. But this situation helped be better at not sending those signals when I really don't mean to and to just chill and let it be. So that was a great lesson to learn and I am sure will continue to learn and grow. I do want him to do the work but be good with me being exactly who I am and loving me for it.

Now most importantly and this is still ongoing is my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. When I was dating Ian, I would pray that Heavenly Father's will would happen and I was sincere in asking for this and meant it with all of me. But I thought that Heavenly Father's will for me was Ian because all signs(that I could see in my not as healthy state) were leading me to him. But then it ended and I wanted him to come back and he didn't and it just got worse and worse and cut deeper and deeper. I was mad at Heavenly Father. Very mad and in a lot of pain that I felt he could have prevented or at least take it away then. He didn't. I have never felt lower in my entire life and it was because of all of the reasons above. But I realized in October that I prayed for what happened in a sense. But I was keeping myself from Him because of how I felt betrayed by him. I have always had a shaky trust in anyone, but it extends to Heavenly Father. I don't know how to trust a parent who has my best interest above all else. In fact, I am still really struggling with this one with Heavenly Father and it is the most important relationship to me to work out. But trusting that He really is doing what is best FOR ME and struggling to know that He KNOWS and LOVES me. I am still struggling with all of this but it is something that I will never give up on. I need to know that He knows my heart and what I have been through and felt and what I want more than anything and believe that He in fact wants to bless me with it and will. So that means I am also working on faith. I will say that I have kept a journal of how I can see the Lord's hand in my life and I can see it. And just this month, I have felt his love by placing that man I am interested in, in my path because it has taken my mind off of hard memories. That for me tells me He loves me. I am working to know it more. I am also really trying to get to know Jesus more personally. I need this. I need to know them both to be able to trust them. It sounds silly, but this is huge for me. The one thing that I know for sure is that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only reason I am who I am today and where I am today. It is a miracle that I am where I am and successful in my life. People who suffer with the things I have in my past are drug addicts, addicted to sex and have many different partners, they are alcoholics and many other harmful things. I worthily live the word of wisdom and miraculously, I am a 30 year-old virgin. While I couldn't see them in my life growing up, they were there helping me overcome what I was in. Something I pray for often is that I will never leave them. Because I know that it is me who would leave because I am not feeling their love. I do understand that this is my path and I will stay on it and stay true to Them, even when I am working on my testimony. I am grateful to know that much and to be true to them in that way. I realized that I do have faith this month. I may feel that I am struggling with it in some areas, but I learned that I have it through actions. I read my scriptures every day, I listen to a talk from General Conference and I go to the Temple about once a week. These are actions of faith. I will keep them until my testimony is on firmer ground.

I am sure there is more that I have learned this year. But for now, that is all I can think of. While this year has been the most difficult of my life, it has blessed me as well and taught me an enormous amount and proved a blessing true that I received in July. In the blessing it stated, " in the months ahead, you will experience a trial that you have never experienced before. It will teach you an enormous amount for your future and for being a mother." That has already been proven true on both accounts. I am grateful for the hard lessons learned during 2012.

"You seem fine."

I have a good friend who is going through a hard time. It is very similar to what I have been going through for the last 6 months. It's having your heart and trust get broken by someone you care about deeply. To this day, I still can't think of anything worse that I have been through. I think it is worse when the other person involved ends up in another relationship right after and you are still alone. In fact, it's the most painful thing. And the thing is, it's over. Why should we care what the other person is doing? In my case, he is living out my dream with someone else. Granted 6 months later, I can see that I tried to make him what I wanted and not really what he was. I also went at the relationship the way I go after my own personal goals, and needless to say, that was a huge mistake. Today I can say that if Ian and I had kept going and ended up married, a year or two into it I would have regretted it and known that I had settled because I wanted to deeply and desperately to belong with someone, to be his girlfriend, to be his wife. Now the "his" I just mentioned is not really Ian, it is more that I wanted a man. I am not desperate enough to just date or be with anyone or I would be married. But when I decide that I want to be with that person, I decide that I will accept any issue that man has and will just look away from it because I want my dream. A lot of these things come from the neglect in my early life and the continued neglect, including neglect from Ian. Wouldn't I love to be completely over all of this, especially Ian and the fact he is dating that girl still? Oh my goodness yes. I can't think of many things I want more. But another thing I struggle with is giving up control. I try to control situations so that I won't get hurt...did that work? Not in the slightest. I have to trust that Heavenly Father does in fact know me personally and has a personal and wonderful plan that includes my deepest dream to come true, for me. Trust is a hard thing right now too. I don't trust that someone isn't going to hurt me. That includes everyone but my sister. I put on a face for everyone. It isn't always fake. I am genuinely happy at times during the day. But each day, there is a great deal of pain that comes too. Sometimes it lasts for hours. Sometimes it only lasts for a few minutes. But I don't share anymore with those around me because I don't necessarily trust them that they won't hurt me either. I try to handle it all inside of me. I am pulling back from everyone but my sister. And that is because she is the only one who has never let me down. I have high standards and I worry that I expect too much out of others. I don't know how to expect less than what I would give. There was an unspoken expectation of what I wanted from Ian and I am sure that pushed him away. I want to trust. Right now the relationships that I am working on improving most are the relationships with my Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. I have to be able to trust them and give all of my control to them. I need to believe they know ME and that they love ME. I know that is the most important relationship to start mending right now and if I can trust them, then hopefully I will be able to trust others too.

Ouch

You know when you think that it can't get worse? You really should never think that way because it always can. When you think you have hit the bottom and are working your way back up, something comes up and slams you back on that hard concrete floor.

Wednesday was a really difficult day. I didn't realize how blessed I was with having a few days of less pain and honestly, some ease. So when Wednesday was extremely difficult, I thought that Thursday was a new day and I could do it. Thursday came with new and different challenges and realizations of how I want to change and am not there yet and still struggling to know how. Then yesterday. I opened the day with some criticism that was hard to take. Then at lunch, one of my closest and most trusted friends told me I am too much to deal with right now. She can't handle me anymore. She is not leaving our friendship but she can't be there for me the way she has been because it is just too much. The stuff with Ian hurt, but this cut deeper because it came from someone who loves me and knows me better than almost any other person on earth and that I have trusted with almost everything that is me. I don't want to be too much for people, especially her. I sincerely want her to be happy and not be bogged down by me and my issues. In my darkest hour, she had to take a step back. While I completely understand that I have a lot to deal with and it honestly is toxic and because she loves me as much as she does, she can't take it and be there for me the way she has because it has an affect on her. This would make perfect sense to someone who wasn't going through abandonment issues and other things right now. But I am. How can I trust to fully trust in someone who isn't my sister with all of me and trust that they won't have to bow out of my life when it gets hard if my best friend has to, someone who honestly loves and cares for me? Because what this unhealthily teaches me, is that I can't. And that is not at all what I should be thinking. So when you think it can't get worse, please don't say it, it can.Will this all be okay somehow? Yes. Do I know how to do any of this? No. What I really want to learn how to do most right now is: how do I still be her friend in my black and white brain full of issues and confusion and not push her out and away because I am so deeply hurt? I don't know how to do that, but I want to learn how. My black and white brain always cuts them out and I don't want to do that this time. As with everything else, I will do my best. I just don't know where to start.

Why?

First, I honestly hate Facebook because you can see what your ex is doing even after you unfriend him. So my question is this, why in the hell does he get to be happy with a new girl and I am still hurting? I know I don't want him, but it still cuts me deep. Why is that? Yes, my issues have something to do with it, but I really just don't want to give a care at all. Please pray for me to just not care about him and her, and him altogether. I just want to let this all go completely. I do feel sorry for her though. He is still the same selfish person he was a few months ago, and I believe he will be until he takes time to work out his issues. I wish this would just be gone forever.

Things I am Learning

So two warnings: 1. I have been feisty and a bit angry the last week and that is actually the reason I am writing this all out because I am hoping it will relieve it. I don't like to be mad or have contentious feelings in me. I am grateful that there is only a handful of people who read this. But I hope that somewhere, sometime, someone will be benefited from reading something written in here. And 2. This isn't the most uplifting blog or post of all time. And it may not be for a little while. But that is why it is called, "Still Learning" because that is exactly what I am doing. A lot of learning for me happens in really hard times. I like to see the growth and the movement I am making so that when hard times knock at my door again, I can look back and know that I can get through the next trial. So while this isn't the happiest thing you have ever read, wait for it because there is a miracle coming that will fill your heart with joy. That's what I believe.

It is no secret from my last few blog posts that the last four months have been in the 10th circle of hell. I have been seeing a counselor to figure some things out and become healthier. It's been interesting to learn all that I have and I am grateful for her because I know that I will be a much better and healthier person for it. It is for me. So here are some things that I have/had in my past and what they do and how they feel.

I have severe abandonment issues. I saw an old friend on Sunday and he is the type of friend that I can tell anything to. The first thing after I said I had abandonment issues especially because nearly everyone in my life, including my mom, has abandoned me, he said, "I will never abandon you." And while he was saying it kind of joking, he meant it. I appreciated that. My abandonment issues are so severe that when I feel abandoned by someone I care about, whether it is family, friends, guy I am dating, etc., I have PTSD. Now what that means is that my emotions feel overpoweringly hopeless and fearful and alone and anxious and that there is no hope for the future. You can feel the anxiety in your entire soul and it is hard to come out of. I don't drop to the ground like war vets but it is definitely very real inside of me. Thankfully it isn't something that just anyone can tell is happening or see but I can tell you from experiencing them, that these feelings suck worse than just about anything else.

In my childhood, my mom did the best she could with what she had. But in the end, her choices still hurt me deeply and still affects me today. When I was little, my mom was married to a man who abused me in every way possible. So we escaped to Utah. Now this was a very heroic and very strong thing for my mom to do and she did it. However the hard part begins after we got here. A parent is someone who comforts their child and takes the stress of life on their shoulders and doesn't make their children bear it. A parent helps a child feel safe and stable and not alone. Sadly, my mom suffered from her past and past choices and wasn't able to handle much else. So physically my mom was there, but those things that I just described a parent does, she didn't do. So I took on the responsibilities of an adult. You have to picture an 8 year-old little girl. When the eviction notices came, she felt the stress and her mom didn't ease anything. We didn't know how we were going to live and make the bills and getting new clothes, it wasn't even an option. Not because my mom didn't want to but because we were barely putting food on the table. There were bill collectors calling all of the time and growing up being on welfare and thinking that bankruptcy was a good option. When I was 12, my mom had to work nights to support us and I babysat my 2 younger siblings. That was terrifying as a child.

My mom was still trying to be okay herself so I grew up instantly at 8 and was strong and supported her and comforted her and kept her together so that she could go out and work so we wouldn't be homeless. I held it together the best a child does. A child doesn't have the understanding of an adult. So what I did when I was little, I still do today. As a child, I came from such chaos that I would always try and put things together so they were okay and peaceful. That may not make sense. But I have to have peace and I try and control situations so that I can have peace because I was the only one giving that to myself and to my siblings and mom(besides Heavenly Father). I also see things in black and white. I see as a child sees. Either you care or you don't. Either you love me or you don't. Either I am going to be good at soccer or I am not. There is no in between. You are either doing your very best or you aren't. Either you are good, or you are bad. Now because of these things as well, my head and heart are very separate. My heart and soul are ruled by emotions. While my head and mind are logical and if I think about something, I can judge it pretty accurately. But when I feel something, it is VERY hard for my mind to come in and tell my heart how it really is. My emotions can be like a child's.

Another thing is that in my life, I feel the need to know everything, all of the time. Heaven help me. And I have to be in control of situations that can potentially hurt me. For instance, I NEED to know if someone cares about me, black or white, yes or no. In relationships, this is hard. I have never in my life seen a healthy relationship up close on a daily basis. I am reading a lot to help educate me. But in relationships, I can't go at them the same way I do when I am going after a goal(but that's what I have done). I have to let go and let the other person go at their speed and choose what they would like on their timeline. I never want to control the other person, I just have to know if they are going to break my heart so I can be prepared(control the outcome but I can't know the outcome because you have to live each day to find the outcome...lots to learn). Does that even make sense? It does in my heart and mind. But what I am trying to learn to do is let go and know that other people create their own destinies. I want a man to choose me because he wants to be with ME and that he is sure of that. But I for sure haven't found that yet.

Because my mom came from hard circumstances herself with people tearing her down, that is what she did herself. She NEVER tore me down. She always encouraged me and told me I was wonderful and still does today and I know she believes it. But what she told herself and the way she spoke about herself was far from that and that is what I learned.

I have worked very hard on my self-worth over the last 10 years. I have made great headway with it. But this experience has taken my foundation and flushed it down the toilet. My mom thought she was ugly and worthless no matter what. That is what I hear and my unhealthy emotions from my childhood believe that, even though my logic doesn't necessarily agree. And since I am digging up 29 years of suppressed emotions, it isn't helping me feel safe and calm and good about me. But changing that in my head is hard but it is EXTREMELY important to me to change. Not only for me to be healthy, but one day, I NEED to have my self-worth in tact so that my children can. There is not much more important to me than this. They need a fighting chance in this hard world and I have to have that in order to give it to them. I will.

So another part of my worth that is taking a huge and painful hit right now is something else from my childhood. From nearly every single person in my life that has meant something to be, has abandoned me in one form or another. My needs have never solely come first for anyone, ever. My sister is the closest person and I know where I stand with her. I stand just behind her husband. She may disagree and say I am right next to him, but in reality, I know that I need to be just behind him and I will forever and always support that. However, she isn't my parent. When I was little, my mom chose other men in place of my greatest needs. She chose herself over me many, many times even though I don't think she can see that. So what that says to a child is that my needs are not worth it to anyone else which further translates in my unhealthy thoughts that I am not worth it to anyone, that I am not worth their efforts and fight. This has been proven per se, over and over and over and just happened again with Ian. He chose himself first and a different girl over me. My old roommate kicked me out of my apartment and made me homeless for a month because she moved her boyfriend in and she was one of my closest friends at the time. I could sadly go on and on. And so it creates this very desperate need to be loved by a man, and to have my needs and me come first and I put my worth on what they think. I also idealize men to become what I want them to be and what I see their potential to be instead of what they are at the moment. I completely ignore red flags for two reasons: I see things in black and white(he's either all good or all bad) and I have that horrible desperate need to fill all of the neglect in my life with a good man who will love me. None of these things are good. But the feelings are incredibly real and very painful. While you may say that my worth doesn't relate to what others think but in the end, in my unhealthy mind, would they leave if I had something good to offer. Would they leave me if I really was amazing or even good? These questions don't take into account the other person's issues at all but to me, my emotions that I just described are my reality.

So for the last little while I have been mad, very mad. I've been mad at my mom for the choices she made and the lack of what was given to me that would help me feel stable as an adult and feel worth it. I am absolutely pissed at the pain I feel when I think of Ian and his new girl and the whole situation. I am not mad that it ended, but how it all went down. I am mad at him because it didn't have to be like this at all and his lack of communication skills and more, his selfishness and manipulation of the whole situation that cuts me really deep and I don't want to hurt anymore about him or it. I am fine working through the other stuff, but I have been praying my soul out to not hate him because I kind of do right now and that I can just let him go like I have every other guy. My logic can clearly see the red flags that I ignored with him, but my heart misses the person who cared. Yuck.

All of these things are taking time to work on and I am always working on them so that I can heal and be healthy. It will get better. I know that. But right now, in the 10th circle of hell, I am kind of sick of it. :) But I truly believe this is the path that I need to be on right now. That I am paying the price for my greatest desire. I am doing everything I can to heal and I have felt the grace of Jesus Christ in my heart lift me on occasions that I simply cannot have that hurt destroying my heart and soul and mind anymore that day. I have been blessed. I know that my prayers and others are working. I know that through everything I am doing with seeing my counselor, seeing my trainer and spiritually doing more to keep me close to Heavenly Father, I will be healed and this will be an amazing growing experience...after it is over. I don't understand much about any of this and I have so many "why" questions, but all I want to do and all I pray to do and all I am striving to do each moment is trust in Heavenly Father and His plan for me. For sure there has never been a more trying experience in my life. I hope for the blessings that will be on the other side.

More Peace

Yesterday I actually started to feel that I was on the up and up and it felt SO GOOD. But last night was difficult and painful. I really can't wait until the day that I will not feel anything for Ian. I also can't wait until the day that I see the vision for why it all happened. I think I have some of those answers and once the pain stops hurting so much, I may actually appreciate them more. I can't wait to see the better man who I know is up ahead. While I say all of these things that I believe will come with time, I need to be cheerful and happy in today and know that I am doing my best at that.

I realized that while I feel that my needs don't seem to matter to anyone and honestly haven't ever come first for anyone in my life(I would argue that my needs come first for my sister, but she has a husband and I will forever know and support that he will always come first for her. I want him to.), for my entire life, there is one who has my needs at the forefront of His mind.

It is a honest miracle that I am who I am today. I have some serious issues from my childhood that I am working through but while there has never been the constant person on earth who always had me first, there is one not on earth. I have been abandoned by almost every single person that matters to me in my life in one form or another. While those are people on earth, I honestly feel that I have been taken care of all of my life by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I feel that when times were the absolute hardest when I was young, He put in me a determination to just keep going and to push on and then He strengthened me so that I could. I have always felt that Heavenly Father was listening to my prayers since I was a little girl. We weren't regular church goers unless I went with my Grandpa and Grandma and got donuts after(you know that was the real reason I went.) But I remember asking my mom to take me to church after we moved here to Utah and I went alone. While I was waiting for her to pick me up after, I remember praying. I have always prayed as if he was right there and knew everything. All of these experiences were before I ever knew about the Church I belong to now. I knew He was there. I didn't know how I knew it, but I did.

In this time of such trial when my past 29 years of things I have tried to forget are coming back and I am dealing with them and dealing with my heart being hurt from Ian, it is really trying and I have had a hard time trusting in Heavenly Father and knowing that He loves me. I am still praying for that because I need to know it in my head and heart. These past few months have challenged my faith in Him knowing what was best and if He was really leading me and doing what was best. I didn't stop reading my scriptures or going to the Temple once a week. I just kept going on with the questions and concerns in my heart and mind but still moving forward. My actions showed the faith I was struggling with in my heart and mind. I think that is the key, keep trusting and moving in His direction and do your VERY BEST and it will come together. Has it come together for me as of now? Nope. But I believe it will.

I wish I could tell you how many times a day I say in my heart to Heavenly Father, "I trust You, I trust You, I trust You....." because that is one of the things that so many blessings have told me over the years to do. Trust in Heavenly Father because you are in His hands and He is doing what is best for you. Trust in Him. That is what I am trying to do and saying it a hundred times a day helps me remember that He has this and even though it sucks worse than ever before, He is doing what is best for me.

This is the trial I have to pay in order to have what I want most. Why would this trial be any easier if it is the one thing that I want more than anything else in the entire world? So of course, this trial is going to push me to a place where I have never been to make sure that I will still choose faith and Him. Is Satan taking his very best shots at me...I can promise you with surety that he is. I have to walk through this. There is no other way. I can't bypass it or go around or fly over it, I have to walk every single excruciating step right through this because this horrible time is going to teach me exactly what I need. Yes, I can say that and believe that, but wow, it still is killing me.

I wish that my heart would stop hurting today and be done with hurting for a long time, but it hasn't...in fact, it kills. But once again, I am grateful for those close to me who lift me up. I am grateful for the people who should and do matter in my life because they love me and care what happens to me. They support me. They help keep me going. They are the angels bearing me up.

Grateful and hurt

Last night after my training session with Matt, I was grateful for him specifically. He is honestly great. Right now, he is my safe place. I am completely comfortable around him and will tell him just about anything and not feel judged. He is pushing me to be better. He isn't a muscle head stereo typical trainer, he is just chill. With everything going on, I am grateful that twice a week for an hour, I can be fine. For reals, everything happening in my life combined, and what happened last weekend has made this the worst few days of my entire life. I don't say that without really knowing that these are the worst. And I don't think it is all Ian. I think some of it comes from my past and just jumps on to the Ian part of it. The part of Ian is deeply painful because I need to let go of a future with him in it for many reasons. And believe me when I tell you this, I want to let go of it and I am slowly. That is a blessing that I have seen in my life, it may take me longer to get over a man, but when I am done, I am 100% done. In a blessing I got recently, it said that the Lord wants the very best for me. While I resolved myself to overlooking things in Ian because the whole was great, I don't think he is the very best for me. Even with knowing that, my heart hurts more than it ever has. I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. I feel that he should have manned up. And it kills me that he is so happy right now because he was lucky enough to have made the choice and be led to another love interest so quickly. I wasn't that lucky and honestly, I think it is less luck and more God's plan. But wow, wouldn't it be nice to have someone else just dull the pain? But once again, I think Matt has his stuff together because when we were talking he said in regards to getting over someone that you shouldn't jump into the next thing. He said you needed to spend time with loved ones whether it be friends or family. While I agree with this, I would be willing to give up possibly my right arm(very important!!) to take away all of the hurt I feel regarding this whole situation right now. I seriously feel like I am living deep in the 10th circle of hell. And honestly, because I feel that I don't think Ian is my very best because he falls short in areas that I need and I need someone worthy of me, why can't I just let this all go? There are many things I wish for, but at the end of the day, each person(I am trying to remind myself every single bloody minute) has to control their own destiny by the choices they make for themselves. While it kills me that Ian chose someone else to go forward with instead of me, it was his choice and I never want to control anyone else's choices. They're theirs to make and learn from and be happy from. Just like mine will shape me and have already shaped me. I feel like I have made some bad decisions and let my issues get in the way of my life and wow do I regret them today. But how do I know that those failures in my eyes weren't God's way of changing the course of my life to something better? I don't. Well in this moment, I don't know much. All I feel that I know right now is that this hurts worse than hell. More importantly, I can see Heavenly Father daily and the grace of Jesus Christ in my life as well. I still hurt almost all day long, but there are moments of tender mercies that give me a few minute breaks through out the day and when everything else sucks and is painful, those few minutes of peace are like a slice of heaven(sadly not in the form of a calorie free chocolate cake). I am trying to write in this more because I think it is important to remember the really bad days and each day as they have come and what was in them and how the Lord showed Himself in them. This isn't going to be very uplifting for a while, I'm afraid, but it will be honest so that one day I can look back and see what I have learned and just as importantly, how I can help someone who is going through it. It always helps to have people who truly understand where you are and are not judging you for being there or what you are feeling. I hope to always be someone like that.