Falling

I have so much in my head right now that I am going to piece through it.

First, "Hot Teeth" is amazing. Every single time I am with him, no matter how many walls I try to keep up to protect myself, I care about him more. That scares me. It wasn't that long ago that I felt the pain that comes from having someone move on. I remember how bad it sucks and I really don't want to feel that. I understand that is a part of dating but it makes me want to pull away so the pain won't be as bad because let's face it, every other time I have done this, thus far, it has ended. But no matter how hard I try to keep myself at a good pace with him, I feel myself falling for him more each time I see him.

He is so good to me. It would take forever for me to tell you all of the good things he does. I feel cared about, protected, sincerely interested in, understood, and the ability to be exactly who I am. Even the crasser side of me that no one really sees. I trust him and that again scares me. Every step that I keep going forward with him makes me realize that if this does end, no matter how many walls I have tried to put up, they will be crap and I will be hurt.

While I know I would be hurt, I still keep going and let this go further. While it scares me and my closest friends need to calm me down and remind me that it is okay, I choose to go forward. I have never been the type of person to let something go because it scares me. I have to do it. I have to give it my all or I will have regrets. It is how I live my life. And this situation now is no different. I will keep going forward until/if he ever puts on the brakes. I choose faith. I choose faith in the Lord and know that even if this goes in the crapper, that I will one day be better off because of it.

When "Saved by the Bell" and I ended things, I seriously thought that he and I were so great together and I could not understand how he couldn't see it. One of my closest friends that knows everything about me told me that for the first time, she didn't think he would come back. It wasn't because he wouldn't want to, but because she felt that there was someone so much better out there for me. She had never said or felt this way on any of my other relationships. She was right. "Hot Teeth" is better for me. While I have been with him on a few occasions I have thought to myself that we fit better than ever before and I am shocked that two people can match up so well. So that is where my faith comes in this. While I think that "Hot Teeth" is better for me than anyone else before him, if it ends, there will be someone better because Heavenly Father has proved me wrong before.

This is how I can go forward with faith and not run the other way even though I care for him more each day. So yes this freaks me out because I care about him and I don't want to get hurt. But why wouldn't I live this to the fullest because who knows, if he doesn't freak out and bail, he could be it for me. And that in the end is worth the pain and heartache.